Agoraphobia - 0...Me - 1

Last Friday (Christmas eve) was a huge deal for me, for once I was actually able to be like a 'normal' person!

 I had booked myself into a hairdressers for a haircut and I knew that as the appointment was the day before Christmas it would be really busy, but I kept telling myself that I would cope and if the worst happened then my Mum would be with me - I think I've mentioned previously that my Mum is my 'safe person'. However, the day before the appointment my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to go to the hair appointment with me as she had too many errands to run. So I was faced with the decision to cancel the appointment or go on my own, with my Mum dropping me off and picking me up. It was a tough decision, I wanted to go to the appointment and have my hair done but at the same time I didn't want to go to the appointment on my own and freak out. In the end I decided to keep the appointment. If I was ever going to overcome this I had to face up to my fears and put myself into situations that are difficult.

When I went to bed that night though I wasn't feeling quite as brave as I had been earlier. I lay tossing and turning most of the night worrying about what would happen the next day 'Would I panic and not be able to cope?'...'Would I make an idiot of myself?'...'would people think I'm mad?'...'What If I had one of those dizzy turns? I couldn't cope with that' etc. These were the kind of thoughts I was having and by the time morning came  I was feeling defeated already...I had already gave up. I got ready and went to my parents house to talk it over with my Mum & Dad. I explained how bad I was feeling, at this point the physical symptoms had kicked in...the racing heart...the weak legs...flashes of hot and cold...the light-headedness and the general feeling of utter terror. I can always count on my Mum & Dad to do the rational thinking for me when that part of my brain appears to have deserted me. For every irrational thought I had, they were able to give me a perfectly rational one back. 'Of course I was going to be feeling anxious, I was going to be putting myself into a new situation. This was something that I hadn't done in many years. If I didn't feel like this there would be something wrong with me'. So after my pep talk from them I was feeling more at ease with the challenge that was facing me and I got into the car. I decided to take things a step at a time, If I wasn't comfortable going into the salon when I arrived I wouldn't go in but I had to at least attempt it.

Arriving at the salon and going in and sitting in the waiting room is a bit of a blur to be honest, I think I was running on the adrenaline and trying to get in before I could change my mind.

The salon was really busy and my anxious head was getting the better of me again and I started to think I couldn't do it again. I got out my phone to text my mum. Partly out of distraction and partly so I knew that I could contact her if the worse was to happen. The only problem was that I was so tense that I couldn't move my fingers properly to type which sent me into further panic. Luckily I was called to get my hair washed at this  point, which distracted me slightly.

Then came the general chit chat (which also causes me to panic) 'You going out anywhere nice tonight?' 'ehhh....not really' - there's not really any way to say your agoraphobic without things getting awkward or if there is I haven't discovered it yet. So I usually feel awkward in any social situation because I feel like a complete waste of space. Which people usually assume I am. I don't work, I don't go out, I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I don't do anything...I don't feel I fit in and I definitely feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. And is it just me or are people asking more questions about your private life these days?  Sometimes I feel like I'm under interrogation. Can we not just chat about the weather?

So far I had managed to handle things and being taken over to the chair and getting a head and shoulder massage definitely helped me to relax a little more! Now I just had to get the cut and have it dried then I could leave. I was fine throughout the actual cutting and when I the hair dryer was switched on I felt a wave of relief...It was almost over and I could leave. The relief was short lived though. It felt like out of the blue came a huge wave of panic came over me and suddenly I really didn't think I could cope any more and I didn't know what to do. I could feel tears coming and I was trying my hardest not to cry. I got my phone out again but I didn't know what to do. My fingers were stiff again and I didn't want the stylist to see what I was texting either. I thought about ringing my Mum's phone and not speaking - She'd know what was happening and come and get me. I did manage to get a grip of myself and calm myself down a little. Five minutes later my Mum walked through the door and I was finished.

I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to be leaving somewhere. The important thing for me to remember though is that I did it. It was something that I would have never contemplated doing on my own. I've proved to myself that I can survive doing things on my own. I am an adult I don't need to be looked after, If I panic I will cope and It will pass in the end. Will it be easier next time? No, I don't think It will. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but at least now I have some experience behind me and I know what to expect next time.

Struggling

For the last 2 weeks everything seems to have went downhill and I don't know why. Not knowing why is probably the most frustrating part, if I don't know what's caused it, how the hell am I supposed to fix it?! My anxiety has been really out of control and I have been feeling awful. I've been having a lot of dizzy spells - which I'm thinking could be related to tension? I'm not sure. My 'anxious brain' is telling me something more sinister but I'm trying to shut those thoughts out, life is hard enough without that!

My sleeping pattern is also out of control. I'm up all night and sleeping all day. It's dark when I go to bed and still dark when I get up! - so that's also making me feel like crap (thinking I may need a sad lamp) and to top it off the UK has been pretty much brought to a standstill with the winter weather we've been having. I was unable to get out the house for a week because it was that bad! When I did manage, I went to the supermarket, as I needed food, but I had to leave after 10 minutes as I had a panic attack. I was really disappointed as I haven't actually had a proper full-blown panic attack in public for about 7 months. I've been anxious and had the wobbly legs etc but never got to the point where I couldn't cope and leave. So this has left me disheartened. I refuse to give up though. There's no way I succumb to another setback, I refuse to do it.

The next night I went with my Mum to get paint and to go to a few other shops, again, I had a panic attack. This time I didn't leave but it was a struggle to force myself to stay. My legs were like jelly and my heart was racing. All I could think was that I was going to collapse; eventually it got so bad that I had to sit on the floor and pretend to be looking at wallpaper. Then the dizziness started and I thought I was going to be stuck there and that even if I wanted to leave I couldn't. Needless to say by the time I went to the next shop my anxiety was off the scale and I just wanted to get home. This was made worse by the fact that it was -8c outside and we practically ice skated to the next shop - not great when your feeling dizzy and off balance! My Mum actually had a dizzy turn and we had to leave. It's amazing how quickly my anxiety reduced when I became concerned about my Mum. Instead of thinking about me collapsing or fainting I thought about my Mum and also (selfishly) what would I do if she collapsed? Fortunately she didn't!

I did have a positive experience yesterday though. I needed to go shopping for food (again), this time though my Mum refused to take me to the supermarket I usually go to as she doesn't buy anything from that supermarket. The selection is rubbish but it's usually empty and I feel quite comfortable when shopping there. So the only one she was going to was the the one which is always busy; that I've had more panic attacks than I can remember in and the one I always meet people I know that to be honest I don't want to meet. Nobody except a few close people know anything about my anxiety or agoraphobia. I don't like people knowing about it. In the beginning I tried to explain it but nobody understood and I was called 'lazy', 'weird' an 'attention seeker'...all the usual crap. So I'm a closeted agoraphobic! When I meet people I know I panic when they ask me what I'm up to now. I have no idea what to say, I have nothing going on in my life at all! So for this reason I hate meeting people.
Anyway, If it hadn't been necessary for me to go and get some shopping I wouldn't have went but I needed to go and, I did. I started off feeling really anxious but the longer I spent inside the store the more my anxiety reduced which I didn't expect to happen. I even made it through the checkout without the usual dizziness and shaky legs.

Yesterdays events have lifted my mood considerably but I'm anxious about the effect winter is going to have on me and how it will affect my anxiety. I don't seem to get the same opportunity to get out in winter and to be honest I don't want to go out anyway. I'm never able to enjoy Christmas any more cause my anxiety is usually too bad and I feel i'm making everyone else miserable because I don't want to be around anyone. I feel sorry for myself. I get jealous of all the party photos the are put up on facebook over the festive period. Winter just seems to be a really negative time for me and every year I'm determined to fight it and stay positive but when It comes to it I can't cope and I don't know what to do.