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Friday 30 September 2011

Again!

Today I made it to the shop again. Was a bit more anxious but I wasn't feeling too great anyway I had an anxious night last. Health anxiety is playing up quite a bit right now but I suppose I've got to just get on with it. I'm pleased that I made it to the shop again. I'm going to keep going with it until I'm comfortable and don't have to think it through every time I go. When I accomplish this, It's time to go a bit further. In the meantime though I'm really pleased with my progress.

Thursday 29 September 2011

More anxious in the house than I am outside?

The last few days I've came to the conclusion that lately I've been far more anxious in the house than I have been when I've been out, which is a strange turn of events. Today I never got to the shop before it closed so about an hour ago the dog was due his last walk and I thought a way to keep things going in the right direction would be to walk to the shop with the dog even though it was closed, which I did and again it was pretty much anxiety free. Although it was a bit creepy so late at night as there was nobody around. Here's where I'm confused ... I came in the house and this feeling of dread came over me. I love my house and I always want to get back to it. It has everything that makes me comfortable, but at the moment I seem to be having a problem being in it. I don't know if it's just too quiet or whether it's because I know I'm on my own but it's like I'd rather be out than in. 

When I'm in the house I'm lonely and I get all these anxious thoughts whereas lately when I've been out I've not been so anxious. I've tried putting music on in the background, washing machine, tv ... anything that makes noise to see if this helps but it doesn't. Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't really know how to distract myself anymore and then I start to think that perhaps boredom is causing me to have anxious thoughts? My brain has nothing to focus on. I know that a lot of the focus in The Linden Method is centered around keeping your brain busy, filling all your time so that you don't get anxious. For the psychologist, I've had to to keep an activity and rest diary, to see what I do with my day (which isn't a lot!) and then we look to see what activities we can add to it so that I'm doing something every day. At the moment, I'm supposed to be walking the dog every day or 10 mins exercise. Majority of the time I've walked the dog, because that has to be done and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I can feel my confidence growing and I'm going places I haven't walked in years. I definitely wouldn't have had the courage to attempt walking to the shop if I hadn't been walking the dog every day.

I do feel a bit disheartened that I didn't get into the shop today to buy anything but I did still walk there and for me that's a huge success. In the past I would have gave up. I would have thought 'the shop's closed what's the point?' It would have basically been all black or white. This time I refuse to do that. I want and need to get my life back and that basically means giving myself a kick up the ass and forcing myself to get out and do something. 

Even though I'm not venturing far walking the dog or walking to the shop the important thing is that I'm doing it on my own and I think that's why my confidence is growing. When I go to the supermarket, I always have my Mum (safe person) or someone else in my family with me so I always know there's help there if and when I need it. I can't wait for the day when I can go to the supermarket on my own!  

Wednesday 28 September 2011

I don't get it.

Today has been a huge success but has also been a bit of a downer. The huge success was that I was able to go out for a family meal and actually feel partly 'normal' for quite a bit of it. Anxiety did set in towards the end of the meal but it was bearable and I was actually able to finish a meal in public! This is a huge deal. Usually if I'm eating in public, after a few bites my stomach is in knots and I literally cannot swallow anymore food. So to actually be able to eat a meal is amazing! The restaurant was quite busy but there was plenty of space so I wasn't feeling too claustrophobic which was definitely helpful. Another good sign was that I didn't have to use the toilets. Usually when I go into somewhere the first thing I do is find out where the toilets are 'just in case' and then proceed to make several trips, trying to decrease my anxiety but tonight I didn't have to. I didn't try going to the shops today as I knew I was going to go out for dinner and didn't want to push myself too much but I will be back to trying to go to the shop tomorrow.

This is what's bothering me, since I've came home tonight my anxiety levels have been quite high. My health anxiety in particular has increased considerably. Not sure if I blogged about this, but for the last 6 weeks I've been having throat problems and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms of throat cancer. Now, I'm only 24 and I don't smoke and very rarely drink so I am aware that the chances of me having throat cancer are very slim but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. I went to the doctor last week and she told me she thought it was caused by my tooth. I disagree and I don't feel she done a thorough check of my throat. Anyway, today after I came out the shower I coughed up a bit of blood. This immediately sent me into a panic. I tried to fill out a panic attack thought record (similar to this one),  which the psychologist gave me to fill in when I had a panic attack, and under the part where you write a rational thought I couldn't think of any rational thought as to why I was coughing up blood. I can usually always think of something rational to put in the box but surely coughing up blood isn't a good sign? To top it off I also had bleeding in my bowel movements again tonight which I'm not overly anxious about as I'm starting to believe this is caused by internal hemorrhoids but my doctor did say that if it happened again he would recommend a scope - which I'm not feeling too great about! I just feel that at the moment my body seems to be falling apart. It feels that just when I'm getting better mentally, my body is giving up. At times I just wish I could get a break. Something always seems to go wrong and it's exhausting constantly trying to battle through it. If it's not my mind, it's my body etc. It's hard not to just think 'fuck it' and just give up. I don't plan on giving up but today has definitely been one of those testing days.

Tuesday 27 September 2011

Scared to tempt fate

I'm still not feeling great but I can feel myself slowly getting back to 'normal'. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been minimal throughout the last week since I've been ill. I don't know why really ... perhaps to exhausted to be anxious? I don't know ... Anyway, yesterday I was getting a bit pissed off at not being out in the last few days, I think Thursday was the last time I had went out, so I decided I was attempting the shop again. I didn't give myself too long to think about it so that I couldn't build up all the 'what if's...' in my head and scare myself senseless which would inevitably result in me not even attempting it. So I got myself ready and set off. The 'what if's...' quickly entered my head and I started to get breathless - honestly, you would have thought I'd just ran a marathon rather than walked about 30 steps from my door. I managed to get halfway there and I met a neighbour. Not going to lie, I was relieved to see her. My anxiety died down quite a bit and I continued to walk with my neighbour. The embarrassment of having to leave in front of someone is worse for me than actually continuing to go and feeling anxious. I made it to the shop and I started to feel positive. I had made it again! I don't ever seem to worry about walking home; a) because I'm on a high from getting there and not collapsing, panicking, dying, losing my sanity; and b) because getting home always seems quicker.

So today, my mission again was to get to the shop again. Like yesterday, I managed it. The weird thing though is I was more anxious again today. Perhaps just because I'm having more time to think about it. My plan is to keep this up everyday. Even if I'm not feeling right. I've avoided going to this shop for the last 8 years and right now it seems really stupid that I thought it was so scary. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to avoid it for all this time. I could have done this years ago and proved to myself that there was nothing to be scared of. It's making me see that all these rigid beliefs that I hold about my anxiety aren't set in stone and the foundations are starting to wobble. I'm now doubting these beliefs. The terrifying things that I tell myself that might happen probably won't. I used to tell myself that I would die if I walked to that shop - That's how I felt. I've been 4 times in the last week and a half and all that's happened is I've felt anxious. My anxiety hasn't even got that bad that I've felt I have to sit in the street (which embarrassingly has happened in the past!).

I'm not anxiety free at the moment which is confusing me. In the past when I've started to do things that scare me I've always noticed that my general anxiety pretty much disappears and I feel completely 'normal' in the house but this isn't happening at the moment. I'm actually more anxious in the house however, in the past I didn't live on my own and I'm starting to think that this is what's causing the anxiety. I also had friends that I could call and have a chat then. Now, I'm not in contact with anyone and a lot of the time I'm feeling bored, lonely and a bit scared if I'm honest. I'm scared that I'll be on my own forever. Anyway, enough of that going to keep this positive! I was a little bit hesitant to blog about my successes. I know that I could allow everything to come crashing down around me and I could let anxiety stop me doing things and I'd be back to square one but for some reason this time feels different. I feel more determined and I can feel my fear dissipating. I am still scared to tempt fate though! 

Saturday 24 September 2011

Still feeling positive

I'm ill at the moment and haven't managed to get out the last 2 days - I am actually really, physically ill, not my usual anxious 'ill'. I can myself starting to get better which is great. I can't wait till I feel human again. I'm really surprised though that I've not been anxious though. Health anxiety causes me to be extremely anxious almost all of the time when I feel fine so when I am actually really ill, it usually moves up a gear but this time I've not really been anxious. I've had a couple of 'what if...?' moments but for the majority I've accepted that it's just a bug and within a few days it will pass. I'm feeling bad about not getting out but it genuinely can't be helped in this case, to just sit up straight has my head in agony. As the day has went on though I can feel myself starting to get a bit better so hopefully the worst is over!

Despite this though I am feeling really positive at the moment. I feel like I can cope again - always a good thing! -  I don't feel like my life is going to be like this forever. I've been listening to music again, I've been able to hold a conversation and last night I got so engrossed in a tv programme I forgot to 'check' for any symptoms I was having. All positive signs. I'm still on the lookout for anxiety creeping back up but at the moment it's manageable. At the back of my mind I'm still thinking it can come back just as easily as it went away although I also realise that if I keep thinking about it and fearing it, I will cause myself to be anxious again. The best thing I can do is accept that it probably will come back and when it does I'll be fine.

I'm hoping to be feeling better tomorrow to start my target of going to the shop since I proved to myself the other day that I can do it and I can even do it without feeling anxious!

L x

Thursday 22 September 2011

Going in the right direction

Today has been good, far from anxiety free but I feel positive and feel like I can handle life again. I had a doctors appointment to discuss the bowel problems that I was having a few months ago and also to discuss my new fear - throat cancer. We went over all my test results and they've all came back 'perfect' which I very reassuring and also tells me that it's all ANXIETY! I also had my oxygen levels checked, which I've never had done before, and again perfect - 99%. so why can I not just accept that it's anxiety and move on with my life? I'm thinking the worst and I'm making myself feel I'll. Yes, I am hbing some symptoms but they're nothing serious. My painful throat is actually a result of a tooth that need extracted so, grudgingly I've had to make an appointment for the dentist but that's another phobia all together, let's just say I don't think my dentist will be lookin forward to seeing me! We also discussed anxiety treatment and she thinks I really should give the sertraline a try. The worst thing that can happen to me is an allergic reaction which apparenty is highly unlikely and if I get bothersome symptoms I just stop them. I definitely felt a lot better after talking with the doctor although I probably shouldn't be relying on reassurance to make me feel better.

ItDid make me feel better and afterwards I went shopping to get essentials, it was completely panic free but still had anxiety and a few wobbly moments but I managed it and I was fine. It wasn't horrendous. I got home and realised I had forgot to get milk, my instant reaction was to ask someone to go for me but then I decided that I woul attempt to go on my own. I did mange to do this a few weeks back but it was terrifying but I did get there and back and tonight I done the same except this time it was panic and anxiety free! I've not walked to that shop feeling like that in about 8 years. Not going to lie it felt amazing and I actually gelt 'normal'. I didn't have to rely on someone else to do something for me, I was able to do it for myself. So the plan now is to do this every day. I proved to myself that I can do it. Some days I may be wobbly but there will also be days like today when I get to feel normal again.

Wednesday 21 September 2011

This may also be helpful

How I'm going to beat it


I came across this tonight and thought it was a very simple and  in a way, a positive outlook on agoraphobia .. . there's no doom and gloom! I often wish that in the beginning I hadn't looked up so much about about agoraphobia and anxiety & panic, there were so many negative stories about it all that I ended up terrified and began to believe that I couldn't overcome it. Even now trying to find a positive story on agoraphobia is difficult, unless someone is selling a 'cure' - The only person that can cure it, is you! Something that has  took me a long time to accept. I'm not going to magically wake up one day and be 'better', I need to actively do things and I know that I will lose heart when I feel things are getting better fast enough but I just need to push through it and keep going ... accept that there will be good and bad days. I know I can do it. I have before, 5 years ago, after 2 years of agoraphobia I got on a plane and left the country! How I managed it I don't have a clue but I can say that that week away was the most liberating thing I've ever done and I really want to have that feeling again. I just need to get off my backside and face my fear.

Tuesday 20 September 2011

I will beat this!

I've been feeling a bit ... flat? lately - that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I've been down and I've been allowing myself to sink more and more into my anxiety. I probably only realised last night just how bad I've let myself become again. I would say I'm disappointed in myself but in all honesty that's not helpful. I'm making a pact with myself tonight that I'm going to try my hardest to get myself back out of the dark hole I've been hiding in for the last 9 months. I'm not allowed to beat myself up for the way my life has turned out, it happened all I can do now is learn from it and move on. I'm not allowed to hate myself for being anxious and for not being 'normal'. Who actually is normal anyway?

I'm still very, very anxious but I feel more positive today and I feel a fresh determination that I can get my life back on track. It might take a while but I'll get there.

Tuesday 13 September 2011

My thoughts are driving me mad!

For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.

I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.

My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's  not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.

This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.

Hope you are all well!

L x

Wednesday 7 September 2011

Still Here

Things have been a little chaotic lately and blogging has been far from my mind. I've also been on a bit of an internet ban as I was relying a bit too much on Dr Google and my health anxiety was taking over my every thought, so I avoided the internet! Which I thought would be easy since avoidance is my forte, but apparently not! It's amazing how much I rely on the internet for everything. It's a bit of a blessing and a curse!

Anyway, I've been seeing the psychologist now for a couple of months and I have noticed a slight improvement in my anxiety, which is good but I haven't had an appointment in about 2 weeks now and don't have another till next week and I can feel the anxiety begin to creep up. Tonight I've been really anxious and cancer thoughts have been playing on my mind so I haven't slept yet! So obviously the appointments are helping. My 'homework' I get is a bit difficult as I'm not used to routine but I'll blog about that in a separate post.

I also went and got the blood tests done eventually!! They came back normal but for the first time ever I don't feel any relief. Instead I feel that they've missed something or that I have cancer and it can't be detected. I don't really know what blood tests show. I really was ill going to get blood taken but I done it and I survived!

I still haven't taken any of the medication I was prescribed - The psychologist is planning on working on this issue with me to see if I would benefit from the meds. He seems to think the diazepam would be beneficial but in all honesty I'm scared of any medication. Even if I'm in pain I suffer it.

I do plan on doing a proper post but thought I'd just do a little update just now. Hope you are all well! x