Probably sounds pathetic to most people but it's a big deal for me! I've avoided this moment for 8 years, since I had my bad reaction to citalopram.
Felt extremely anxious and panicky after taking it and I don't take diazepam or anything like that so I had to just wait it out. Thankfully I only felt anxious and panicky for the first hour then it passed. It's now 2 hours since I took it and I don't feel anything. I'm not sure what I was expecting.
Monday 26 March 2012
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Coping statements
When I go out I usually take a list of coping statements with me. When I'm experiencing high levels of anxiety or panic, I am completely incapable of thinking rationally so I either have these written on a piece of paper in my bag or I read them from my phone, whatever's most convenient or easier for me. The coping statements I use are:
- everything you are feeling is ANXIEtY! Nothing bad is going to happen. You won't collapse, die, faint or have a dizzy turn.
- you've been here before and you've felt like this before; NOTHING bad has ever happened.
- despite how they feel, your legs are completely capable of holding you up. They won't buckle underneath you.
- you don't need or want to leave. It may feel awful but if you stay you'll feel better after it.
- nobody is paying attention to you. They're all preoccupied with their own lives.
- if you really need to leave, you can. You will not get stuck. Your legs will carry you to the car.
- breathe slowly, count to ten and smile!
- you always feel better when you get to the car or once you get home - proof that these symptoms are just anxiety.
- I can do this!! Keep going. You're fine!
I've kept my list relatively small so that its easier when I'm panicking. I do find that it helps me a lot. It's kept me from leaving a situation on many occasions.
- everything you are feeling is ANXIEtY! Nothing bad is going to happen. You won't collapse, die, faint or have a dizzy turn.
- you've been here before and you've felt like this before; NOTHING bad has ever happened.
- despite how they feel, your legs are completely capable of holding you up. They won't buckle underneath you.
- you don't need or want to leave. It may feel awful but if you stay you'll feel better after it.
- nobody is paying attention to you. They're all preoccupied with their own lives.
- if you really need to leave, you can. You will not get stuck. Your legs will carry you to the car.
- breathe slowly, count to ten and smile!
- you always feel better when you get to the car or once you get home - proof that these symptoms are just anxiety.
- I can do this!! Keep going. You're fine!
I've kept my list relatively small so that its easier when I'm panicking. I do find that it helps me a lot. It's kept me from leaving a situation on many occasions.
Saturday 10 March 2012
Unfamiliar Territory
I kept up with my daily walk to the shop again tonight (day 3 on my own, day 4 walking to the shop) and I wasn't too anxious before going but I ended up being quite panicky and at one point in the shop felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack. I did just about manage to keep myself from tipping over the edge by trying to talk to myself in a positive, helpful way rather than my anxious, frightening unhelpful way. It seemed to help me cope. The shop again wasn't too busy and I was lucky to be at the start of the queue which made it a lot more manageable! Anxiety on the walk home was about a 7 or 8. Not ideal but the positive thing is I done it! The only thing I can think of that made tonight more anxiety provoking was that I hadn't eaten all day and when I don't eat my blood sugar levels fall quite quickly and it feels like a panic attack but in order to eat something I had to go to the shop as I haven't braved the supermarket in a couple of weeks.
Another thing happened tonight. A family drama happened which saw me having to walk somewhere I haven't walked in about 8 years and a distance I haven't walked since then either. When I mentioned this out loud everyone was shocked. Partly because to most 'normal' people this wouldn't be considered that far, in fact, it would probably be nothing at all but for me it was terrifying. When I was asked to go I briefly hesitated and the 'what ifs...' started in my head but I quickly brushed them away. A huge part of me was curious if I could manage it. I think I wanted to go, I wanted to test myself. I'm not going to lie though and say it was easy because it wasn't. I did manage to get there and back to my house but my anxiety and panic levels were high the whole time. All I could think is 'what if this happens? ... what if that happens?' It was never ending. I also got a nice shock at how unfit I actually am. For my age and the distance I walk I'm a little disgusted and ashamed at how out of breath I was and how bad the stitch in my side was. Appalling!
Overall, I'm glad that I done. It wasn't pleasant and it certainly wasn't easy but I've proved to myself that I can do it. The more I do things the more I realise that the only thing that is holding me back from going where I want and doing what I want is the way that I'm thinking about these situations and the fact that I'm not making myself go out and challenge things. I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up and the anxiety, panic & agoraphobia are magically gone, and I have to realise that that is never going to happen. I have to work hard to get myself better; to be able to go out and not panic; to live day to day and not feel anxious about life. The more I challenge things, the more I realise IT IS ALL ANXIETY. There's no underlying health condition, there's no mental disorder. It's me that's holding myself back. It's me that's causing the anxiety and panic. It's me that's not doing enough to get better and ultimately It's me and only me who can get me better. I hope the way I'm feeling tonight lasts because it's given me the kick up the ass I've needed for a long time and I can feel a little bit of that fight and determination I used to have coming back. I could wake up in the morning and it could be gone again but again that would be up to me to decide if I want to fight or just give up again. I have to stop waiting for other people to make me better or to make me happy. If I can't do it myself, how on earth can I expect other people to do it?
Another thing happened tonight. A family drama happened which saw me having to walk somewhere I haven't walked in about 8 years and a distance I haven't walked since then either. When I mentioned this out loud everyone was shocked. Partly because to most 'normal' people this wouldn't be considered that far, in fact, it would probably be nothing at all but for me it was terrifying. When I was asked to go I briefly hesitated and the 'what ifs...' started in my head but I quickly brushed them away. A huge part of me was curious if I could manage it. I think I wanted to go, I wanted to test myself. I'm not going to lie though and say it was easy because it wasn't. I did manage to get there and back to my house but my anxiety and panic levels were high the whole time. All I could think is 'what if this happens? ... what if that happens?' It was never ending. I also got a nice shock at how unfit I actually am. For my age and the distance I walk I'm a little disgusted and ashamed at how out of breath I was and how bad the stitch in my side was. Appalling!
Overall, I'm glad that I done. It wasn't pleasant and it certainly wasn't easy but I've proved to myself that I can do it. The more I do things the more I realise that the only thing that is holding me back from going where I want and doing what I want is the way that I'm thinking about these situations and the fact that I'm not making myself go out and challenge things. I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up and the anxiety, panic & agoraphobia are magically gone, and I have to realise that that is never going to happen. I have to work hard to get myself better; to be able to go out and not panic; to live day to day and not feel anxious about life. The more I challenge things, the more I realise IT IS ALL ANXIETY. There's no underlying health condition, there's no mental disorder. It's me that's holding myself back. It's me that's causing the anxiety and panic. It's me that's not doing enough to get better and ultimately It's me and only me who can get me better. I hope the way I'm feeling tonight lasts because it's given me the kick up the ass I've needed for a long time and I can feel a little bit of that fight and determination I used to have coming back. I could wake up in the morning and it could be gone again but again that would be up to me to decide if I want to fight or just give up again. I have to stop waiting for other people to make me better or to make me happy. If I can't do it myself, how on earth can I expect other people to do it?
Friday 9 March 2012
Shop attempt - Day 2
Another success tonight. Made it to the shop again and was able to buy everything I needed. I was more anxious tonight than I was last night which doesn't really make sense to me. I almost didn't attempt it as I thought there was a possibility I might panic but I knew I had to do it. The more I do it, the easier it'll get and then I can work on walking further. It would be great to know that if I need something I can just go and get it myself, when I want.
I was a bit shaky walking there and got a little flustered while I was in the shop. Again, the shop was empty so I didn't have the challenge of the queue. I was a bit more anxious walking back tonight though and on twitter I give it a rating of 6/10 - not bad really, but not as comfortable as I was last night. I'm happy though. It's another achievement for me and hopefully tomorrow I can do the same!
Hope you are all well :)
I was a bit shaky walking there and got a little flustered while I was in the shop. Again, the shop was empty so I didn't have the challenge of the queue. I was a bit more anxious walking back tonight though and on twitter I give it a rating of 6/10 - not bad really, but not as comfortable as I was last night. I'm happy though. It's another achievement for me and hopefully tomorrow I can do the same!
Hope you are all well :)
Thursday 8 March 2012
Made it to the shop again!
I walked to the shop on Tuesday with my mum. It was the first time I had walked there in a while. I was quite a bit anxious but it wasn't horrific. I had my usual fear of 'what if I get there, panic, and then cannot get back home?' thankfully that wasn't the case! As it never is and I got there and back in one piece without having a nervous breakdown or dying! Bonus! :)
Last night feeling brave after Tuesday's walk I decided I would attempt it on my own. There were things that I needed and I hate having to call other people to go and get them for me. So I decided I was going to do it myself. I did leave it all day though and only went 20 mins before the shop closed. I even went make up-less. Brave for me. The walk wasn't too bad, not much panic. I did at one point feel a little panicky because of the distance I walked and how long it would take me to get back if I were to panic and need to get home. I pushed this thought out of my mind; I was too far to panic.
Thankfully, the shop was empty so I didn't have the challenge of standing in a queue. I managed to get everything I needed. I was relieved more than anything that I was able to do it and it felt good that I was able to go and get everything I needed by myself for a change. I never really find going back home a challenge. I guess it's cause I know I'm going back to my 'safe place'. All in all a successful day for me yesterday!
Last night feeling brave after Tuesday's walk I decided I would attempt it on my own. There were things that I needed and I hate having to call other people to go and get them for me. So I decided I was going to do it myself. I did leave it all day though and only went 20 mins before the shop closed. I even went make up-less. Brave for me. The walk wasn't too bad, not much panic. I did at one point feel a little panicky because of the distance I walked and how long it would take me to get back if I were to panic and need to get home. I pushed this thought out of my mind; I was too far to panic.
Thankfully, the shop was empty so I didn't have the challenge of standing in a queue. I managed to get everything I needed. I was relieved more than anything that I was able to do it and it felt good that I was able to go and get everything I needed by myself for a change. I never really find going back home a challenge. I guess it's cause I know I'm going back to my 'safe place'. All in all a successful day for me yesterday!
What goes on in my mind
- I'm scared I'm going to die
- I worry that there's something serious wrong with me all the time
- I'm scared of that feeling of being dizzy, light-headed which I seem to get even when I don't feel anxious
- I fear the balance problems I seem to have
- I worry that I'll never get 'better' and will never lead a 'normal' life
- I worry that I'm not good enough and never will be
- I feel I don't fit in anywhere and never will
- I worry about doing things because of the heart problem I imagine that I have
- I worry that I'll never achieve anything in life
- I fear I'll be alone forever - I won't even be the crazy cat lady, since I don't like cats!
- I'm concerned that nothing ever seems to make me happy
- I worry that I'll eventually go mad
- I worry that I'll fail at everything in life - and then question if I'm keeping my anxiety subconsciously as a way of not failing?!
- I'm scared of living but terrified of dying
- I hate the person I am
- I hate that I have no goals any more
- I feel sad that I'm on my own all the time and I'm really lonely
- I feel like nobody likes me
This is pretty much what my head's like 24 hours a day. Not a pleasant way of thinking!
Wednesday 7 March 2012
Panic attack thought record
Came across one of these from my psychology sessions last year and it's a classic example of how bad my health anxiety really is.
Situation
Keep getting a clear liquid pouring out of my nose. It feels like a nosebleed. I googled it and results showed I had a brain leak which could lead to serious problems. I am alone in the house.
Physical Symptoms
Response to thought
Situation
Keep getting a clear liquid pouring out of my nose. It feels like a nosebleed. I googled it and results showed I had a brain leak which could lead to serious problems. I am alone in the house.
Physical Symptoms
- Clear stuff pouring out of nose
- feeling hot & cold alternately
- nauseous
- weak
- headache
- can't stand
- breathing out of control
- dizzy
- tension all over body
Emotions
Fear - 100%
Panic - 100%
Unhelpful thoughts or images
- I'm dying
- I need to go to hospital/see a doctor
- There's no one here to help me
- I don't want to die on my own
- My Mum and I had an argument and she won't answer the phone to me - there's no one else I can call
- There are a number of conditions that could cause symptoms such as this - google always shows the worst.
- If I really needed help I could call NHS 24 or an ambulance
Outcome
- I'm going to make an appointment to go and have it checked
- I'm not going to google
- Try to focus on my response to thought answers and not focus so much on the unhelpful thoughts or images
- Fear - 75%
- Panic 55%
I did go to the doctor about this after it happened a few more times and I was diagnosed with chronic sinus infection & a post nasal drip. I haven't had much bother with either since starting a nasal spray. Just shows though how something that would be trivial to majority of the population can get me into such a state.
Tuesday 6 March 2012
What I want
- To be healthy
- To be happy
- My family to be healthy and happy
- To be 'normal'
- To feel loved
- To have a boyfriend
- To have friends
- To have a job
- To travel
- To not be worried about my health/dying 24/7
- To be positive
- To accept who I am
- To not feel anxious/scared/worried
- To feel carefree
- To feel motivated
- To not feel lonely
- To not feel like the worlds biggest reject
- To exercise
- To make an effort with my appearance
- To go to uni and get a degree
- To eventually get married and have a family
- To be able to drive
- To be like everyone else
Surely I'm not asking for much?! :)
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