Tonight was my 13th night on a quarter of a sertraline pill; I was supposed to go up to half a pill (25mg) after 8 days on the quarter but I've been too scared. It took until Wednesday - day 10 - for my anxiety to die down to a somewhat manageable level and i'm scared that increasing it is going to make me anxious & panicky again.
I've been absolutely exhausted since starting them and I'm sleeping between 8 & 11 hours a night, I can't seem to get enough sleep! I'm having really vivid dreams every night too which I haven't done in a long time. I've been having a lot of dizziness too particularly when in the car & it stops at a traffic light or something and a few times I've been dizzy in my sleep and woke up with the room spinning. I can't really see how a quarter of a sertraline pill can be responsible for this but what else could it be? I'm scared that if I increase, all these symptoms will intensify if they are being caused by it. I'm now regretting not just starting the 50mg at the beginning. I'd be on day 13 and the symptoms would be dying down now and I wouldn't have to increase anything... ah well, not much I can do about it now.
p.s. Still haven't taken any more valium but have them on standby for the increase
Hope you're all well!
L x
Showing posts with label Achievement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Achievement. Show all posts
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Tonight was the 7th night of taking a quarter of a sertraline tablet; I have one more quarter left and then it's up to half a tablet - 25mg. I'm anxious about the increase. I've been extremely anxious the last week although I doubt I'm even taking enough of the sertraline for that to be the cause. I've hardly left my bedroom, hardly eating and feeling dizzy and off balance quite a lot. Surprisingly though, my sleeping has been great - I've been sleeping between 8 & 10 hours a night - very unlike me! On Tuesday I had the doctors so I had to leave the house for that. It was horrible. I had a long wait in the waiting room, it was absolutely boiling and I thought I was going to faint. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. The doctor was great with me though and I left with a prescription for diazepam (valium).
I never in a million years thought I would ever touch valium for my anxiety; it was a route I just didn't want to go down but due to the anxiety I've been experiencing this week I had to take it to stop me losing it completely. I only take 2mg but I'm allowed to take 4mg 3 times a day. So I'm not relying on it too heavily and I haven't taken any in the last 2 days. I was terrified of meds like valium and I've surprised myself with taking it. I still have stupid 'what if?...' thoughts when I take it though but it's getting easier and I like the relief it brings. I imagine that I'll need it for every increase of the sertraline though. Even if the meds don't make me anxious - I know that I will - it's nice knowing that I have something that will take it away within 20 minutes.
I never in a million years thought I would ever touch valium for my anxiety; it was a route I just didn't want to go down but due to the anxiety I've been experiencing this week I had to take it to stop me losing it completely. I only take 2mg but I'm allowed to take 4mg 3 times a day. So I'm not relying on it too heavily and I haven't taken any in the last 2 days. I was terrified of meds like valium and I've surprised myself with taking it. I still have stupid 'what if?...' thoughts when I take it though but it's getting easier and I like the relief it brings. I imagine that I'll need it for every increase of the sertraline though. Even if the meds don't make me anxious - I know that I will - it's nice knowing that I have something that will take it away within 20 minutes.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
My thoughts are driving me mad!
For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.
I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.
My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.
This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.
Hope you are all well!
L x
I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.
My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.
This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.
Hope you are all well!
L x
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