Scared to increase sertraline

Tonight was my 13th night on a quarter of a sertraline pill; I was supposed to go up to half a pill (25mg) after 8 days on the quarter but I've been too scared. It took until Wednesday - day 10 - for my anxiety to die down to a somewhat manageable level and i'm scared that increasing it is going to make me anxious & panicky again.

I've been absolutely exhausted since starting them and I'm sleeping between 8 & 11 hours a night, I can't seem to get enough sleep! I'm having really vivid dreams every night too which I haven't done in a long time. I've been having a lot of dizziness too particularly when in the car & it stops at a traffic light or something and a few times I've been dizzy in my sleep and woke up with the room spinning. I can't really see how a quarter of a sertraline pill can be responsible for this but what else could it be? I'm scared that if I increase, all these symptoms will intensify if they are being caused by it. I'm now regretting not just starting the 50mg at the beginning. I'd be on day 13 and the symptoms would be dying down now and I wouldn't have to increase anything... ah well, not much I can do about it now.

p.s. Still haven't taken any more valium but have them on standby for the increase

Hope you're all well!

L x

Tonight was the 7th night of taking a quarter of a sertraline tablet; I have one more quarter left and then it's up to half a tablet - 25mg. I'm anxious about the increase. I've been extremely anxious the last week although I doubt I'm even taking enough of the sertraline for that to be the cause. I've hardly left my bedroom, hardly eating and feeling dizzy and off balance quite a lot. Surprisingly though, my sleeping has been great - I've been sleeping between 8 & 10 hours a night - very unlike me! On Tuesday I had the doctors so I had to leave the house for that. It was horrible. I had a long wait in the waiting room, it was absolutely boiling and I thought I was going to faint. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. The doctor was great with me though and I left with a prescription for diazepam (valium).

I never in a million years thought I would ever touch valium for my anxiety; it was a route I just didn't want to go down but due to the anxiety I've been experiencing this week I had to take it to stop me losing it completely. I only take 2mg but I'm allowed to take 4mg 3 times a day. So I'm not relying on it too heavily and I haven't taken any in the last 2 days. I was terrified of meds like valium and I've surprised myself with taking it. I still have stupid 'what if?...' thoughts when I take it though but it's getting easier and I like the relief it brings. I imagine that I'll need it for every increase of the sertraline though. Even if the meds don't make me anxious - I know that I will - it's nice knowing that I have something that will take it away within 20 minutes.

Not doing enough

I spend hours and hours researching anxiety on the internet looking for a 'cure' or that magic vital piece of information that I might have missed that will suddenly make fall into place, I research books, then buy them and only read part of them. I download hypnosis & relaxation MP3's which I listen to for a while then start to forget about listening to them. I get myself into a routine of going to bed early and getting up early which eventually I fall out of and end up back to up all night and sleeping all day. I go on the exercise bike and think "I'll do this every day' and then I do it a couple of times that week and then don't get on it for weeks. I started an open university course with great intentions - Studying without having to leave the house - win, win situation, but I didn't stick to that either. Why is it that I can't stick to things. Everything feels like a huge effort all the time. I'm full of great intentions one day and I begin to think 'I can do this' then the next day I have no motivation at all to do anything. Then once I've not done it that day I don't continue the next, and so on.

Why do I do this? I really, really do want to get better but from my actions you would think that I don't. Why then can I not find the motivation within me to just do these things. Some days when I feel like hell I make myself clean my house from top to bottom. No matter how anxious, how unmotivated I am, I make myself do it. The reason I do this? because I know that eventually I will feel better. I know that I may feel fed up since cleaning is my least favourite thing in the world to do but I feel slightly 'normal' after it and I feel like I have accomplished something. So knowing this as well why do I not just push myself? Force myself to go to bed early, take 10 mins to relax... these are things I know that if I stick to them they will help me in the long run. I can't can't seem to push myself to do them. If there aren't immediate results I lose interest. I still wait for that day where I wake up and I'm magically better deep down though I know that's never going to happen. The only way I can get better is to face up to things I fear, push myself to develop new habits. Everything takes time but I feel that time is something I'm running out of.

Currently, I'm sitting with another box of sertraline (the last one's went in the bin) and wondering if they are the answer. Will the give me some energy to fight my anxiety? Will they ease it? Will they lift the fog that I constantly feel I'm in? I have so many questions and very little answers about how these could possibly help me. Everyone tells me 'Everyone's different' and not knowing what to expect fills me with doubt. Is there any point going down this route if they're not going to help me. Then on the other hand what if they do help me? I've tried everything else, maybe these are the right answer for me. There's a large part of me that is curious about what effects sertraline could have on my anxiety, this site has some pretty positive reviews of sertraline and I wish I could find the courage to take them.

Going in the right direction

Today has been good, far from anxiety free but I feel positive and feel like I can handle life again. I had a doctors appointment to discuss the bowel problems that I was having a few months ago and also to discuss my new fear - throat cancer. We went over all my test results and they've all came back 'perfect' which I very reassuring and also tells me that it's all ANXIETY! I also had my oxygen levels checked, which I've never had done before, and again perfect - 99%. so why can I not just accept that it's anxiety and move on with my life? I'm thinking the worst and I'm making myself feel I'll. Yes, I am hbing some symptoms but they're nothing serious. My painful throat is actually a result of a tooth that need extracted so, grudgingly I've had to make an appointment for the dentist but that's another phobia all together, let's just say I don't think my dentist will be lookin forward to seeing me! We also discussed anxiety treatment and she thinks I really should give the sertraline a try. The worst thing that can happen to me is an allergic reaction which apparenty is highly unlikely and if I get bothersome symptoms I just stop them. I definitely felt a lot better after talking with the doctor although I probably shouldn't be relying on reassurance to make me feel better.

ItDid make me feel better and afterwards I went shopping to get essentials, it was completely panic free but still had anxiety and a few wobbly moments but I managed it and I was fine. It wasn't horrendous. I got home and realised I had forgot to get milk, my instant reaction was to ask someone to go for me but then I decided that I woul attempt to go on my own. I did mange to do this a few weeks back but it was terrifying but I did get there and back and tonight I done the same except this time it was panic and anxiety free! I've not walked to that shop feeling like that in about 8 years. Not going to lie it felt amazing and I actually gelt 'normal'. I didn't have to rely on someone else to do something for me, I was able to do it for myself. So the plan now is to do this every day. I proved to myself that I can do it. Some days I may be wobbly but there will also be days like today when I get to feel normal again.

I Finally Picked Up The Prescription...

... now all I have to do is find the courage to take them! I kind of decided yesterday that I was going to start today by taking a quarter! Laughable I know but I thought If I done that I would be less anxious about taking them and I wouldn't suffer any side effects. When It came time to take it today though I couldn't do it. Another reason I wanted to take a quarter of the tablet is I read in 'The anxiety and phobia workbook' by Edmund J. Bourne that to minimize side effects you should start off on a low dose of the meds and increase over time, for Zoloft (sertraline) he recommended 10mg and you would get this by quartering it. He also goes on to say that you should gradually increase up to a tablet a day over a period of several weeks. I wish I could stop being so bloody stupid and just take it!! I feel so bad at the moment but I don't want to feel worse and my fear is that taking the meds will send my anxiety even more out of control than it already is.

I was doing well with the Paul McKenna Mp3 but the last 2 nights I haven't done it. I can;t even blame anxiety for not listening I just couldn't be bothered I was in a bit of a downer and it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I went out yesterday but it was horrible, I didn't feel anxious when I got up so I suggested going out for a while to see if it would reduce my anxiety. I kind of wish I hadn't bothered, after 10 mins in the car I was really anxious and wanted to go home. I didn't though. We got into the supermarket and I couldn't cope. I had to stand at the clothes section which was relatively quiet and then after 15 minutes I had to leave. I did go to another shop after that just so I felt I wasn't giving in but that was a nightmare too. I felt so drained and so tired even though I had a good nights sleep. All I could think was a few weeks ago, this was so easy easy for me to do. How can it have got so bad so fast?

Anxious at the thought of taking sertraline

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking my first Sertraline (Zoloft) tablet and I'm feeling really anxious about it. My heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought. Once I've swallowed it, there's nothing I can do it's in my system. I'm terrified that something will happen, I'm having visions of being rushed to the hospital or becoming a zombie and having all these horrendous side effects. Then there's the warning on the leaflet that some people make have suicidal thoughts... What if I take them and want to kill myself? What if I lose my mind? Honestly the thoughts I've been having are awful! Although if I didn't have thoughts like these then I wouldn't need medication in the first place.

I went out yesterday for a while and my anxiety was out of control. I tried to go and sit in a changing room to try and get a grip of myself and calm myself down but I couldn't manage it. After that I started to think that the meds would maybe a good idea as maybe they would take the edge off or quieten some of the 'scary' thoughts I have when I'm out. Now that it's nearly time to take them it doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore. I feel like pleading with everyone to not make me take them and i'll work harder at trying to overcome everything. I just wish I could switch my brain off!

D-Day!

Today I went to the Doctors to discuss how bad my anxiety has been lately and basically to see what my options were. I was really anxious about going partly cause I knew what she was going to suggest and I was right, I am currently sitting with a prescription for the anti-depressant Sertraline (50mg). It was that or a beta blocker called propanalol. I don't like the thought of either but I chose the anti-depressant. I don't know much about beta blockers but all I could think was 'would I rather mess about with my head or my heart (If I'm right I believe beta blockers work on your heart?) So I figured I would be less anxious about taking the anti-depressant. 

In January 2010 I went to see my Doctor about my anxiety (I'm sensing a theme here, January/February must be my worst time of year!) and left with a prescription with sertraline. I went to the pharmacy and collected the prescription but they sat in my drawer untouched for 9 months and then I binned them. I'm phobic of taking ANY kind of pill. I will sit in severe pain rather than take a pain killer (stupid, I know!) and anti-depressants have a really bad reputation for negative side effects. So sitting with the prescription again I'm having difficulty deciding whether I'm going to take them or not.

I don't actually know how anti-depressants affect anxiety and agoraphobia. Do they cure you? Will I be able to go out and not worry or panic? I tried to ask but she didn't answer it. So If I'm going to put myself through weeks of awful side effects is it going to have an effect and will it be worth it? I know as soon as I swallow the pill I'll panic. If the pills don't give me side effects, my head will! My family are pushing me to take them. In their opinion I've tried it my way for 7/8 years and that hasn't worked and I always said that anti-depressants would be my last option and in their minds now is the time for me to do it, I've tried everything else. 

I should point out that I have tried anti-depressants years ago and had an awful experience which I won't go into detail about. Everyone is different and we all react to medications in different ways and anyway there are enough scary stories floating about the web on anti-depressants! Anyway, that experience is what made me pill-phobic. I'm scared that if I take the sertraline I will have the same experience.

Monday Is D-Day! I'm going to pick up the prescription and If I decide to take them, it will be on Monday. My doctor has suggested I go back and stay at my parents if I'm worried about having a repeat of the last time so that if anything does happen there's someone there. So I've arranged to stay there for maybe a week while my body and brain adjust to the tablets.  The doctor also suggested that I take the tablets and give my Mum or Dad the leaflet with side effects so that I don't read it and think I have something (or more likely everything!) on the list. If I do experience anything they can check the leaflet and see if it's on it. I don't know I'll be able to stop myself from googling though!

Four days to decide what I'm going to do!... I'm anxious!!!