Out on my own

Last week was an amazing week for me, probably the best I've had in a LONG time. Anxiety didn't seem to be present much, or if it was I didn't notice, think about it or try to analyse every little detail to find out what was causing it. There were things I wanted to do and I was going to do them regardless of 'how I was feeling'. Usually I won't book appointments in advance or arrange things with people as I always want to wait and 'see how I feel' or I find that I feel under pressure and get overly anxious days beforehand so bad that I don't sleep, can't relax at all and usually end up not doing what I had planned. Last week, however, I was on a mission. 

I had been wanting to go for a massage for ages, as months of anxiety and tension was giving me pain in my neck and shoulders and I wanted to see if a massage would relieve it a bit. I noticed a deal on groupon for a salon in my area offering a massage, facial & nails done for a third of the price and I really wanted the massage so I bought the deal. The initial appointment I booked I had to cancel on the day as I was so anxious about it, there was no way I could go. I was so disappointed and angry at myself for letting anxiety win again so I arranged the appointment for the next week. I was determined I was going, there was no way anxiety was stopping me but then came another obstacle; nobody would be available to give me a lift to the appointment, my only option was to get a taxi and go on my own. 'Fine' I told myself ' that's what I'll do' my anxiety was telling me a different story though... 'You can't do it, you haven't went anywhere on your own for years... you'll have the worst panic attack ever... just cancel it and lose the money... you'll feel safe if you don't' These thoughts were constantly in my head. I remembered something my therapist told me to try. She told me not to try and block the thoughts out cause that won't work, but accept them & take them for what they are. They're only thoughts, they aren't rigid facts. I give all my 'scary' thoughts way to much credit. I have a million fleeting thoughts a day and unless they are 'scary' I'm able to pretty much dismiss them. I feel I need to hold onto the scary ones. I guess I feel that if I hold onto them I'll be keeping myself safe because I don't want anything bad to happen and I fear that if I dismiss it something bad will happen to me. I've gave these thoughts control for far too long and it's pretty much wrecked my life. I can't do it anymore. If a 'normal' person went to go outside and thought 'If I go out there something might happen... I might die' They'd be thinking WTF? and then get on with what they were intending on doing. If it happens to me I think 'That's right something could happen. I don't want to go out... at least if I stay here I'll feel better and then if anything did happen nobody would be able to see me'. Then I try to analyse everything that's just happened and it goes round and round in circles. It pretty exhausting and It's no wonder I never feel good. I feel like I'm either constantly anxious, scared or battling with myself to be normal. 

So, anyway - I rambled a bit there! - I made my mind up that I was going and not content with that challenge I decided to book a driving lesson for the same day - 'In for a penny, In for a pound' - I could either set myself up for a complete fail or I could keep thinking that I can do it. I didn't really have anything to lose as I've been anxious almost all of the time the last few months, so I was going for it.

The day came and I felt like the worlds biggest idiot. How on earth was I going to manage hours out on my own followed by a driving lesson??! To say I felt ill would have been an understatement! I got dressed and phoned the taxi. Within 15 minutes of phoning the taxi, I was seated in the salon. It was so busy and I hadn't been prepared for it and the panic started to rise all I could think was that I had to leave. I was given forms to fill out which I could hardly fill in as I was shaking so much. After a 40 minute wait I was finally called into the small room for my massage and facial. It was lit by candles, smelt amazing and relaxation music was playing in the background. I began to think I could do this again. I never fully relaxed during the treatment, I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong at one point I was even thinking what if I have an allergic reaction to the products for the facial! I worry about everything! I had explained to the beautician about my panic attacks and when waiting for the face mask to washed off she give me a mini reiki session. I had been wanting to try reiki but had never got round to it. It did make me feel a bit more relaxed but really that was all I experienced, nothing amazing happened. By the time it came to getting my nails done I was quite relaxed which had me feeling pretty confident about my driving lesson a few hours later.

The driving lesson went well, I was a bit panicky at times but I did manage to keep it under control. We stayed local to ease me back in, which helped a lot since I haven't drove in about a year and was a bit rusty. I've had a fair few lessons before but anxiety, panic & agoraphobia have always got in the way and I've had to end them. This time though I determined to stick with it. I shouldn't be too far away from sitting my test and my theory test runs out in 6 months so I need to pass it within that time so I don't need to resit & pay for another theory test. I did have another lesson tonight and I notice a huge improvement in both my anxiety and my driving! which is good. Ironically thought tonight I had a panic attack right before the lesson but ended up feeling calmer than I did last week! I have another booked for next week and I'm hoping it goes just as well as it did tonight. When I came home tonight I was feeling great. It was fantastic to do something 'normal' and because I noticed an improvement from last week my confidence has grown as well. It's fair to say that at the moment I'm feeling pretty good.

October 2008

Tonight I was clearing out cupboards and I came across a notepad which has coursework from an Open University course I was studying in October 2008. I was just having a look through it and noticed that I had wrote a page about experiencing a panic attack and I thought it was  interesting cause at this point I was having a good phase anxiety wise and in my mind now I always think that during a good phase I don't have panic attacks. Clearly I'm wrong.

"Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time, which I should be thankful for cause some people actually experience this level of anxiety all the time, I honestly couldn't cope with that again! I genuinely thought I was dying. I was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to go and wake my Mum or Dad up or if it really was just a panic attack. I'm scared that if I just ignore the feelings and there is something genuinely wrong with me, I'll die and I don't want to die but at the same time I didn't want to wake my mum or dad up just cause I was having a panic attack. I'm 21 years old now, I should be more independent. 


It's all so confusing. I really don't understand agoraphobia or panic disorder at all! I mean I know what the symptoms, what the common thoughts are and most importantly I know before I enter any anxiety provoking situation, exactly how I'm going to feel. So why the hell does it still scare the shit out of me? Why can't I accept it for what it is? Why do I still hide away inside whenever possible? I should be able to accept the sensations and accept that nothing will happen. It's so frustrating, I have times when I think 'I'm going out and I'll just put up with the feelings even if I really do feel like I'm dying' but then I get scared and don't do it." 


My thoughts and feelings now are pretty much the same as they were then except now I'm anxious all the time, having lots of panic attacks and constantly think I'm dying. Back then I was only anxious about going out. I don't understand what caused my anxiety to get worse. I'm still as confused now as I was then.

Follow me on twitter?

I decided to set up a twitter account for my blog where, if you like, you can follow me and get updates on how things are going with my anxiety, how I'm coping with it, tweets when I'm out etc. It's probably easier to send out regular tweets about what I'm up to rather than keep writing long blogposts cause quite frankly when you're anxious you hardly have the concentration to read them, well I don't anyway.

If you would like to follow me, you can do so here. L x

Again!

Today I made it to the shop again. Was a bit more anxious but I wasn't feeling too great anyway I had an anxious night last. Health anxiety is playing up quite a bit right now but I suppose I've got to just get on with it. I'm pleased that I made it to the shop again. I'm going to keep going with it until I'm comfortable and don't have to think it through every time I go. When I accomplish this, It's time to go a bit further. In the meantime though I'm really pleased with my progress.

More anxious in the house than I am outside?

The last few days I've came to the conclusion that lately I've been far more anxious in the house than I have been when I've been out, which is a strange turn of events. Today I never got to the shop before it closed so about an hour ago the dog was due his last walk and I thought a way to keep things going in the right direction would be to walk to the shop with the dog even though it was closed, which I did and again it was pretty much anxiety free. Although it was a bit creepy so late at night as there was nobody around. Here's where I'm confused ... I came in the house and this feeling of dread came over me. I love my house and I always want to get back to it. It has everything that makes me comfortable, but at the moment I seem to be having a problem being in it. I don't know if it's just too quiet or whether it's because I know I'm on my own but it's like I'd rather be out than in. 

When I'm in the house I'm lonely and I get all these anxious thoughts whereas lately when I've been out I've not been so anxious. I've tried putting music on in the background, washing machine, tv ... anything that makes noise to see if this helps but it doesn't. Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't really know how to distract myself anymore and then I start to think that perhaps boredom is causing me to have anxious thoughts? My brain has nothing to focus on. I know that a lot of the focus in The Linden Method is centered around keeping your brain busy, filling all your time so that you don't get anxious. For the psychologist, I've had to to keep an activity and rest diary, to see what I do with my day (which isn't a lot!) and then we look to see what activities we can add to it so that I'm doing something every day. At the moment, I'm supposed to be walking the dog every day or 10 mins exercise. Majority of the time I've walked the dog, because that has to be done and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I can feel my confidence growing and I'm going places I haven't walked in years. I definitely wouldn't have had the courage to attempt walking to the shop if I hadn't been walking the dog every day.

I do feel a bit disheartened that I didn't get into the shop today to buy anything but I did still walk there and for me that's a huge success. In the past I would have gave up. I would have thought 'the shop's closed what's the point?' It would have basically been all black or white. This time I refuse to do that. I want and need to get my life back and that basically means giving myself a kick up the ass and forcing myself to get out and do something. 

Even though I'm not venturing far walking the dog or walking to the shop the important thing is that I'm doing it on my own and I think that's why my confidence is growing. When I go to the supermarket, I always have my Mum (safe person) or someone else in my family with me so I always know there's help there if and when I need it. I can't wait for the day when I can go to the supermarket on my own!  

I don't get it.

Today has been a huge success but has also been a bit of a downer. The huge success was that I was able to go out for a family meal and actually feel partly 'normal' for quite a bit of it. Anxiety did set in towards the end of the meal but it was bearable and I was actually able to finish a meal in public! This is a huge deal. Usually if I'm eating in public, after a few bites my stomach is in knots and I literally cannot swallow anymore food. So to actually be able to eat a meal is amazing! The restaurant was quite busy but there was plenty of space so I wasn't feeling too claustrophobic which was definitely helpful. Another good sign was that I didn't have to use the toilets. Usually when I go into somewhere the first thing I do is find out where the toilets are 'just in case' and then proceed to make several trips, trying to decrease my anxiety but tonight I didn't have to. I didn't try going to the shops today as I knew I was going to go out for dinner and didn't want to push myself too much but I will be back to trying to go to the shop tomorrow.

This is what's bothering me, since I've came home tonight my anxiety levels have been quite high. My health anxiety in particular has increased considerably. Not sure if I blogged about this, but for the last 6 weeks I've been having throat problems and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms of throat cancer. Now, I'm only 24 and I don't smoke and very rarely drink so I am aware that the chances of me having throat cancer are very slim but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. I went to the doctor last week and she told me she thought it was caused by my tooth. I disagree and I don't feel she done a thorough check of my throat. Anyway, today after I came out the shower I coughed up a bit of blood. This immediately sent me into a panic. I tried to fill out a panic attack thought record (similar to this one),  which the psychologist gave me to fill in when I had a panic attack, and under the part where you write a rational thought I couldn't think of any rational thought as to why I was coughing up blood. I can usually always think of something rational to put in the box but surely coughing up blood isn't a good sign? To top it off I also had bleeding in my bowel movements again tonight which I'm not overly anxious about as I'm starting to believe this is caused by internal hemorrhoids but my doctor did say that if it happened again he would recommend a scope - which I'm not feeling too great about! I just feel that at the moment my body seems to be falling apart. It feels that just when I'm getting better mentally, my body is giving up. At times I just wish I could get a break. Something always seems to go wrong and it's exhausting constantly trying to battle through it. If it's not my mind, it's my body etc. It's hard not to just think 'fuck it' and just give up. I don't plan on giving up but today has definitely been one of those testing days.

Scared to tempt fate

I'm still not feeling great but I can feel myself slowly getting back to 'normal'. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been minimal throughout the last week since I've been ill. I don't know why really ... perhaps to exhausted to be anxious? I don't know ... Anyway, yesterday I was getting a bit pissed off at not being out in the last few days, I think Thursday was the last time I had went out, so I decided I was attempting the shop again. I didn't give myself too long to think about it so that I couldn't build up all the 'what if's...' in my head and scare myself senseless which would inevitably result in me not even attempting it. So I got myself ready and set off. The 'what if's...' quickly entered my head and I started to get breathless - honestly, you would have thought I'd just ran a marathon rather than walked about 30 steps from my door. I managed to get halfway there and I met a neighbour. Not going to lie, I was relieved to see her. My anxiety died down quite a bit and I continued to walk with my neighbour. The embarrassment of having to leave in front of someone is worse for me than actually continuing to go and feeling anxious. I made it to the shop and I started to feel positive. I had made it again! I don't ever seem to worry about walking home; a) because I'm on a high from getting there and not collapsing, panicking, dying, losing my sanity; and b) because getting home always seems quicker.

So today, my mission again was to get to the shop again. Like yesterday, I managed it. The weird thing though is I was more anxious again today. Perhaps just because I'm having more time to think about it. My plan is to keep this up everyday. Even if I'm not feeling right. I've avoided going to this shop for the last 8 years and right now it seems really stupid that I thought it was so scary. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to avoid it for all this time. I could have done this years ago and proved to myself that there was nothing to be scared of. It's making me see that all these rigid beliefs that I hold about my anxiety aren't set in stone and the foundations are starting to wobble. I'm now doubting these beliefs. The terrifying things that I tell myself that might happen probably won't. I used to tell myself that I would die if I walked to that shop - That's how I felt. I've been 4 times in the last week and a half and all that's happened is I've felt anxious. My anxiety hasn't even got that bad that I've felt I have to sit in the street (which embarrassingly has happened in the past!).

I'm not anxiety free at the moment which is confusing me. In the past when I've started to do things that scare me I've always noticed that my general anxiety pretty much disappears and I feel completely 'normal' in the house but this isn't happening at the moment. I'm actually more anxious in the house however, in the past I didn't live on my own and I'm starting to think that this is what's causing the anxiety. I also had friends that I could call and have a chat then. Now, I'm not in contact with anyone and a lot of the time I'm feeling bored, lonely and a bit scared if I'm honest. I'm scared that I'll be on my own forever. Anyway, enough of that going to keep this positive! I was a little bit hesitant to blog about my successes. I know that I could allow everything to come crashing down around me and I could let anxiety stop me doing things and I'd be back to square one but for some reason this time feels different. I feel more determined and I can feel my fear dissipating. I am still scared to tempt fate though! 

My thoughts are driving me mad!

For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.

I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.

My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's  not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.

This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.

Hope you are all well!

L x

Small steps and General worrying

So it's been a good few weeks since I was last out (never thought i'd go back to that again!) to be honest the thought of going out is making me severely anxious and ill again so I've been avoiding it! Wrong thing to do I know but I seem to have lost all my energy to fight it at the moment. I'm hoping it makes an appearance again soon! Anyway yesterday my mum seemed to have had enough of me not doing anything to fight the way the I was feeling so I was made to go a drive in the car. We didn't drive far, it was about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back. I wasn't as anxious as I had anticipated but it was a constant battle with my anxious brain to stop thinking of all the possible terrifying things that could have possibly happened. I did manage it though and I feel more positive - after all it wasn't what I had expected, although it never is!

I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!

Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.

A good day at last!

Today I woke up feeling quite positive, not sure why but I'm definitely not complaining! A good day was long overdue. It feels like I've been living in the huge bubble full of fear, anxiety and just gloom and doom in general for the last few months. So today I'm feeling relieved and really confident that everything will be ok and the bad days will get less and less again. Well here's hoping anyway!

I have been trying to analyse what's caused this increase in anxiety and I can't find anything except I've had problems with money. I hate talking about money and in particular about receiving benefits but I'm really angry and confused about how they work the whole system.
Up until last August I had been receiving incapacity benefit but I failed to attend one of the medicals that you have to go to whilst claiming incapacity benefit. My doctor faxed a letter to the relevant people explaining that due to my condition I couldn't travel to get there. She also made a request for a home visit which was rejected. So I was taken off that benefit - I am currently waiting on an appeal against that decision although who knows how long that will take. So in November I was told to apply for income support by an adviser so that's what I done but then in February I received a letter saying I wasn't entitled to income support and that it was being stopped. So I was then told to apply for for Employment and Support allowance which I did.  However, there's now problems with that too. I received a letter on Saturday saying that they wouldn't pay me that benefit. So today I phoned to see why and they told me that I have to go to the medical before they will pay me any money.

The big problem is that the place where the medical is held is 22 miles from my house and would take roughly 35 mins to get to in a car. Now that is impossible for me to get to. If I could bloody travel I wouldn't be claiming benefits but yet nobody seems to be able to understand this. Not being able to leave my house is my disability! And there's no compromise. I've had numerous faxes, medical lines and requests made for a home visit by my doctor but none of it matters. If I want any help I need to get to the medical. It's so frustrating! I would LOVE to be capable of working even if it was the crappiest job in the world, it would mean I was able to live a 'normal' life but the reality is that at the moment I'm not and I need financial help. At the moment I'm lucky enough to have family to rely on but I feel terrible for it and I'm only borrowing money if i'm desperate i.e. for food and bills. Even though I know i'll never starve or not be able to pay a bill I still find myself worrying. What if nothing gets sorted and I don't get any money... I have a house to keep ... what will I do? etc. Frankly it's stress that I don't need! This has been going on for about 8 months on and off and is the only thing I can think of that's increased my anxiety.

Anyway enough of the rant! I actually was going to write about the benefit situation before but every time I tried to write it I got stressed and anxious but today I'm feeling ok about it. I'm still angry but I will cope and it will get sorted. I'm actually just relieved that my anxiety has been reduced a bit. So to make the most of it I went a run in the car with my Mum and I even went into a shop on my own! Luckily it was quiet so I was only in for a couple of minutes but still I done it and it's something I wouldn't have done this time last week so there's definitely an improvement! I was feeling quite good after that and even took the dog a walk - now I don't walk the dog that far from my house I tend to just walk up and down the street although it is a long street but I do have my restrictions about how far I will go but the distance I walk now is a lot further than when we first got him. I did get a bit panicky whilst on the walk - I met a neighbour who stopped for a chat. I get a bit panicky when having a one-on-one conversation in general so when I'm outdoors my anxiety is magnified. However, I did manage to chat (whilst feeling a bit wobbly with the dog pulling me - great combo!) for at least 10 minutes and then she had to go. I then finished the walk and went home feeling rather good to be honest.

Agoraphobia - 0...Me - 1

Last Friday (Christmas eve) was a huge deal for me, for once I was actually able to be like a 'normal' person!

 I had booked myself into a hairdressers for a haircut and I knew that as the appointment was the day before Christmas it would be really busy, but I kept telling myself that I would cope and if the worst happened then my Mum would be with me - I think I've mentioned previously that my Mum is my 'safe person'. However, the day before the appointment my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to go to the hair appointment with me as she had too many errands to run. So I was faced with the decision to cancel the appointment or go on my own, with my Mum dropping me off and picking me up. It was a tough decision, I wanted to go to the appointment and have my hair done but at the same time I didn't want to go to the appointment on my own and freak out. In the end I decided to keep the appointment. If I was ever going to overcome this I had to face up to my fears and put myself into situations that are difficult.

When I went to bed that night though I wasn't feeling quite as brave as I had been earlier. I lay tossing and turning most of the night worrying about what would happen the next day 'Would I panic and not be able to cope?'...'Would I make an idiot of myself?'...'would people think I'm mad?'...'What If I had one of those dizzy turns? I couldn't cope with that' etc. These were the kind of thoughts I was having and by the time morning came  I was feeling defeated already...I had already gave up. I got ready and went to my parents house to talk it over with my Mum & Dad. I explained how bad I was feeling, at this point the physical symptoms had kicked in...the racing heart...the weak legs...flashes of hot and cold...the light-headedness and the general feeling of utter terror. I can always count on my Mum & Dad to do the rational thinking for me when that part of my brain appears to have deserted me. For every irrational thought I had, they were able to give me a perfectly rational one back. 'Of course I was going to be feeling anxious, I was going to be putting myself into a new situation. This was something that I hadn't done in many years. If I didn't feel like this there would be something wrong with me'. So after my pep talk from them I was feeling more at ease with the challenge that was facing me and I got into the car. I decided to take things a step at a time, If I wasn't comfortable going into the salon when I arrived I wouldn't go in but I had to at least attempt it.

Arriving at the salon and going in and sitting in the waiting room is a bit of a blur to be honest, I think I was running on the adrenaline and trying to get in before I could change my mind.

The salon was really busy and my anxious head was getting the better of me again and I started to think I couldn't do it again. I got out my phone to text my mum. Partly out of distraction and partly so I knew that I could contact her if the worse was to happen. The only problem was that I was so tense that I couldn't move my fingers properly to type which sent me into further panic. Luckily I was called to get my hair washed at this  point, which distracted me slightly.

Then came the general chit chat (which also causes me to panic) 'You going out anywhere nice tonight?' 'ehhh....not really' - there's not really any way to say your agoraphobic without things getting awkward or if there is I haven't discovered it yet. So I usually feel awkward in any social situation because I feel like a complete waste of space. Which people usually assume I am. I don't work, I don't go out, I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I don't do anything...I don't feel I fit in and I definitely feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. And is it just me or are people asking more questions about your private life these days?  Sometimes I feel like I'm under interrogation. Can we not just chat about the weather?

So far I had managed to handle things and being taken over to the chair and getting a head and shoulder massage definitely helped me to relax a little more! Now I just had to get the cut and have it dried then I could leave. I was fine throughout the actual cutting and when I the hair dryer was switched on I felt a wave of relief...It was almost over and I could leave. The relief was short lived though. It felt like out of the blue came a huge wave of panic came over me and suddenly I really didn't think I could cope any more and I didn't know what to do. I could feel tears coming and I was trying my hardest not to cry. I got my phone out again but I didn't know what to do. My fingers were stiff again and I didn't want the stylist to see what I was texting either. I thought about ringing my Mum's phone and not speaking - She'd know what was happening and come and get me. I did manage to get a grip of myself and calm myself down a little. Five minutes later my Mum walked through the door and I was finished.

I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to be leaving somewhere. The important thing for me to remember though is that I did it. It was something that I would have never contemplated doing on my own. I've proved to myself that I can survive doing things on my own. I am an adult I don't need to be looked after, If I panic I will cope and It will pass in the end. Will it be easier next time? No, I don't think It will. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but at least now I have some experience behind me and I know what to expect next time.

Occupational Therapy

Yesterday was quite a good day for me. I managed to get out for a couple of hours despite feeling absolutely shattered and it was relatively panic free.

I got up and got organised as I had the occupational therapist coming out to see me. I started occupational therapy almost 2 years ago and had weekly sessions up until about March/April this year. It was my fault that the sessions came to an end - to be completely honest, it got too hard and I panicked. I felt that absolutely everything and everyone in my life were associated with agoraphobia, which may sound strange considering my life is hugely restricted by it but it just started feeling really suffocating and I needed a break, and I felt things were going to fast and that I had no control. I had also read a book by Rhonda Byrne called 'The Secret' and she basically advises you to live your life as if you had what you want and it will happen. So my mind processed this as - 'if I wasn't agoraphobic, I wouldn't be receiving treatment for it' - silly I know but it did kind of work for the first 6 weeks!

After speaking with a welfare rights officer last week she advised me that my best hope in overcoming agoraphobia was to go back to the occupational therapist. I believe in occupational therapy 100% and it is really effective, some of the things I have achieved through it have been amazing but it is hard and it requires you to put 100% in. It's not a quick fix and it will take time and that's where I have a problem. I lose interest in things and become disheartened when things don't happen overnight but this is something I need to work to work on accepting. When I have a bad day I just need to get on with it and not pick up the phone and cancel the session. Avoidance is not the answer! - ha.

Honestly, if you are recently diagnosed with agoraphobia I would say this would be the best route to go down, obviously i'm not a doctor but I would base this on experience, I believe that had I been referred to OT when I first became agoraphobic I wouldn't be in this position. It took 5 years, 3 psychologists and a counsellor before I was referred and it was only down to the last psychologist I saw, not my doctor, the psychologist decided that there was nothing they could do for me, even though my doctor kept referring me back to them, and she referred me to OT.
Even if like me you've been agoraphobic for a while I definitely think it's still effective, it just takes a bit longer and after years off those fearful thoughts it may be a bit harder. So if you haven't heard of this definitely see doctor and see what options are available. I don't have a clue why I wasn't offered this to begin with.

I drifted off a bit there! So basically I've decided that I want to work with the OT to get back to work. I kind of feel that I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what I'm capable of. I don't have any friends any more, they tend to drift away when you don't got out lol, and the only person I go out with is my mum and I find that ok most of the time. I often wonder if I had friends to go out with, if I would go out or even just want to go out more. So with the OT's help we've came up with a plan to see about me doing some voluntary work or part time work to see how I cope. She'll work on finding me placements and obviously explain to potential employers about my 'condition'.
I am aware that this may seem crazy, maybe it is, after all I can't go out my house on my own so how the hell am I going to be able to hold down a job? I don't know how either but I won't know how I'll cope in a situation until I try. As I said in the previous post, I don't have anything to lose any more and the worst thing that can happen is I leave the job (if I'm lucky enough to get one) and pull my goals back a bit. That's the bonus of working with the OT, they support me so that I don't push myself too far and have a set back.
If you continue to read my blog you can probably expect crazy ideas. I have a tendency to do things on a whim or with the hope that 'by that time I'll be better' and put myself situations that are difficult and provoke a lot of anxiety but I'm still here to tell the tale!

So appointment with OT is on Monday morning and I have to go there on my own...lovely :)

After all that I had a to go for some shopping. My mum takes me to a shop that isn't that busy and you can park outside it. This makes me less anxious, I hate walking outside and need to park as close to the building as I can get. So the shop wasn't busy and I spent about 40 mins inside it which was great, this was definitely a 'good day'. I have days when I can go to this shop and the situation is exactly the same and yet I still have to leave. In fact today was so good I even suggested we went to another shop which we did but only spent 10 mins inside, but this was nothing to do with anxiety :D
After getting everything I needed we went to visit family which again I was fine with and we stayed there for an hour. This is when the anxiety kicked in. I started to become really aware of the sensations in my body and my 'anxious head' came to life. I'm not sure what triggered it at all, we were just talking and I seemed to become aware of it happening. I did manage to keep it under control and nobody noticed that I was becoming anxious. I did have a strong urge to leave but I didn't. I stayed for about 20 mins after I first felt anxious but the anxiety didn't go away. The positive thing to focus on though is I DIDN'T LEAVE!!

Overall this was a pretty eventful day for me (lol) but I was absolutely exhausted when I got home and had a splitting sore head. It's amazing how a short period of tension can have such an effect on your body.