Scared to tempt fate

I'm still not feeling great but I can feel myself slowly getting back to 'normal'. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been minimal throughout the last week since I've been ill. I don't know why really ... perhaps to exhausted to be anxious? I don't know ... Anyway, yesterday I was getting a bit pissed off at not being out in the last few days, I think Thursday was the last time I had went out, so I decided I was attempting the shop again. I didn't give myself too long to think about it so that I couldn't build up all the 'what if's...' in my head and scare myself senseless which would inevitably result in me not even attempting it. So I got myself ready and set off. The 'what if's...' quickly entered my head and I started to get breathless - honestly, you would have thought I'd just ran a marathon rather than walked about 30 steps from my door. I managed to get halfway there and I met a neighbour. Not going to lie, I was relieved to see her. My anxiety died down quite a bit and I continued to walk with my neighbour. The embarrassment of having to leave in front of someone is worse for me than actually continuing to go and feeling anxious. I made it to the shop and I started to feel positive. I had made it again! I don't ever seem to worry about walking home; a) because I'm on a high from getting there and not collapsing, panicking, dying, losing my sanity; and b) because getting home always seems quicker.

So today, my mission again was to get to the shop again. Like yesterday, I managed it. The weird thing though is I was more anxious again today. Perhaps just because I'm having more time to think about it. My plan is to keep this up everyday. Even if I'm not feeling right. I've avoided going to this shop for the last 8 years and right now it seems really stupid that I thought it was so scary. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to avoid it for all this time. I could have done this years ago and proved to myself that there was nothing to be scared of. It's making me see that all these rigid beliefs that I hold about my anxiety aren't set in stone and the foundations are starting to wobble. I'm now doubting these beliefs. The terrifying things that I tell myself that might happen probably won't. I used to tell myself that I would die if I walked to that shop - That's how I felt. I've been 4 times in the last week and a half and all that's happened is I've felt anxious. My anxiety hasn't even got that bad that I've felt I have to sit in the street (which embarrassingly has happened in the past!).

I'm not anxiety free at the moment which is confusing me. In the past when I've started to do things that scare me I've always noticed that my general anxiety pretty much disappears and I feel completely 'normal' in the house but this isn't happening at the moment. I'm actually more anxious in the house however, in the past I didn't live on my own and I'm starting to think that this is what's causing the anxiety. I also had friends that I could call and have a chat then. Now, I'm not in contact with anyone and a lot of the time I'm feeling bored, lonely and a bit scared if I'm honest. I'm scared that I'll be on my own forever. Anyway, enough of that going to keep this positive! I was a little bit hesitant to blog about my successes. I know that I could allow everything to come crashing down around me and I could let anxiety stop me doing things and I'd be back to square one but for some reason this time feels different. I feel more determined and I can feel my fear dissipating. I am still scared to tempt fate though!