Unfamiliar Territory

I kept up with my daily walk to the shop again tonight (day 3 on my own, day 4 walking to the shop) and I wasn't too anxious before going but I ended up being quite panicky and at one point in the shop felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack. I did just about manage to keep myself from tipping over the edge by trying to talk to myself in a positive, helpful way rather than my anxious, frightening unhelpful way. It seemed to help me cope. The shop again wasn't too busy and I was lucky to be at the start of the queue which made it a lot more manageable! Anxiety on the walk home was about a 7 or 8. Not ideal but the positive thing is I done it! The only thing I can think of that made tonight more anxiety provoking was that I hadn't eaten all day and when I don't eat my blood sugar levels fall quite quickly and it feels like a panic attack but in order to eat something I had to go to the shop as I haven't braved the supermarket in a couple of weeks.

Another thing happened tonight. A family drama happened which saw me having to walk somewhere I haven't walked in about 8 years and a distance I haven't walked since then either. When I mentioned this out loud everyone was shocked. Partly because to most 'normal' people this wouldn't be considered that far, in fact, it would probably be nothing at all but for me it was terrifying. When I was asked to go I briefly hesitated and the 'what ifs...' started in my head but I quickly brushed them away. A huge part of me was curious if I could manage it. I think I wanted to go, I wanted to test myself. I'm not going to lie though and say it was easy because it wasn't. I did manage to get there and back to my house but my anxiety and panic levels were high the whole time. All I could think is 'what if this happens? ... what if that happens?' It was never ending. I also got a nice shock at how unfit I actually am. For my age and the distance I walk I'm a little disgusted and ashamed at how out of breath I was and how bad the stitch in my side was. Appalling!

Overall, I'm glad that I done. It wasn't pleasant and it certainly wasn't easy but I've proved to myself that I can do it. The more I do things the more I realise that the only thing that is holding me back from going where I want and doing what I want is the way that I'm thinking about these situations and the fact that I'm not making myself go out and challenge things. I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up and the anxiety, panic & agoraphobia are magically gone, and I have to realise that that is never going to happen. I have to work hard to get myself better; to be able to go out and not panic; to live day to day and not feel anxious about life. The more I challenge things, the more I realise IT IS ALL ANXIETY. There's no underlying health condition, there's no mental disorder. It's me that's holding myself back. It's me that's causing the anxiety and panic. It's me that's not doing enough to get better and ultimately It's me and only me who can get me better. I hope the way I'm feeling tonight lasts because it's given me the kick up the ass I've needed for a long time and I can feel a little bit of that fight and determination I used to have coming back. I could wake up in the morning and it could be gone again but again that would be up to me to decide if I want to fight or just give up again. I have to stop waiting for other people to make me better or to make me happy. If I can't do it myself, how on earth can I expect other people to do it?

My fear of dying

This probably a pretty morbid post and I apologise in advance but I do feel this is important for me to write as this is now my main fear and is currently the catalyst for my anxiety and panic. I would give anything to go back to the time when my worst fear during a panic attack was my fear of fainting. In no way am I dismissing a fear of fainting because it was still terrifying but my fear of death never goes away, even when the panic is done.

Before I had panic attacks I always had a fear of death, I suppose most people do, but I rarely thought about. Now though my fear of death is really intense and I think about it all the time, and I really do mean all the time! It never leaves my mind. Even when I feel 'ok' I still think I could die at any minute. Any symptom I get, I start to think 'am I going to die'. I've tried to speak to counsellors and psychologists about it but it's always dismissed as normal. Yeah, I agree, having a fear of death is normal but my fear stops me from living life. Everything I'm afraid to do is because I'm afraid I might die while doing it. I've lost count of the number of times I've read or heard about young, healthy people collapsing and dying and then I start to think why would I be any different - I mean I even feel like I'm dying majority of the time. Walking round the supermarket, my usual thought is 'I could collapse and die here' - and I don't even necessarily have any anxiety or panic symptoms at this point.

I know that one day I'll die and if I think too much into this I can make myself physically sick. Not knowing when that day will come is what makes me anxious. Will I be old, will I be young? I've always thought I'll live till an old age but I always think 'what if?' I suppose I fear it because it's out of my control. The only thing that could have possibly caused this is my panic attacks. I've never lost anyone close to me, which makes me extremely lucky and is something I thank God for every day.

I feel that unless I get this fear under control I'm never going to overcome any of my problems. I pick up on every symptom within my body and I fear them, thinking they may be something that could kill me. If I get a rash I immediately go into a panic attack - I think I have meningitis. A swollen gland - I think I have cancer. If I don't sleep one night I even think this will kill me.

I don't know how I overcome this. Usually I go with the 'face your fear' programme but how do you face a fear of dying? Every time I've overcame my anxiety & agoraphobia it's come back and I believe that this is the reason why. So you would think if I could get this under control my anxiety would go, except I don't know how I overcome my fear of dying.

Apologies if this is too morbid or anxiety-provoking for you but I felt I had to write it.

L x

Paul McKenna agoraphobia download

I mentioned months ago that I was going to try and upload the Paul McKenna agoraphobia hypnosis and I completely forgot about it. I had a look yesterday for a free file hosting website and hopefully this will work!

If you click here; this should take you to the site.

I'm not sure if you can download from this site or you have to listen to it online... If anyone who tries it could me know, that would be great.

If you would rather buy it for yourself, you can also do so here.

I really am a huge fan of Paul McKenna and own almost all of his books. They do help and I usually notice a difference after listening to the downloads but at the moment I'm having a problem with relaxing long enough to complete them but with some perseverance I'll get there again eventually.

Enjoy!

L x

Follow me on twitter?

I decided to set up a twitter account for my blog where, if you like, you can follow me and get updates on how things are going with my anxiety, how I'm coping with it, tweets when I'm out etc. It's probably easier to send out regular tweets about what I'm up to rather than keep writing long blogposts cause quite frankly when you're anxious you hardly have the concentration to read them, well I don't anyway.

If you would like to follow me, you can do so here. L x

Again!

Today I made it to the shop again. Was a bit more anxious but I wasn't feeling too great anyway I had an anxious night last. Health anxiety is playing up quite a bit right now but I suppose I've got to just get on with it. I'm pleased that I made it to the shop again. I'm going to keep going with it until I'm comfortable and don't have to think it through every time I go. When I accomplish this, It's time to go a bit further. In the meantime though I'm really pleased with my progress.

More anxious in the house than I am outside?

The last few days I've came to the conclusion that lately I've been far more anxious in the house than I have been when I've been out, which is a strange turn of events. Today I never got to the shop before it closed so about an hour ago the dog was due his last walk and I thought a way to keep things going in the right direction would be to walk to the shop with the dog even though it was closed, which I did and again it was pretty much anxiety free. Although it was a bit creepy so late at night as there was nobody around. Here's where I'm confused ... I came in the house and this feeling of dread came over me. I love my house and I always want to get back to it. It has everything that makes me comfortable, but at the moment I seem to be having a problem being in it. I don't know if it's just too quiet or whether it's because I know I'm on my own but it's like I'd rather be out than in. 

When I'm in the house I'm lonely and I get all these anxious thoughts whereas lately when I've been out I've not been so anxious. I've tried putting music on in the background, washing machine, tv ... anything that makes noise to see if this helps but it doesn't. Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't really know how to distract myself anymore and then I start to think that perhaps boredom is causing me to have anxious thoughts? My brain has nothing to focus on. I know that a lot of the focus in The Linden Method is centered around keeping your brain busy, filling all your time so that you don't get anxious. For the psychologist, I've had to to keep an activity and rest diary, to see what I do with my day (which isn't a lot!) and then we look to see what activities we can add to it so that I'm doing something every day. At the moment, I'm supposed to be walking the dog every day or 10 mins exercise. Majority of the time I've walked the dog, because that has to be done and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I can feel my confidence growing and I'm going places I haven't walked in years. I definitely wouldn't have had the courage to attempt walking to the shop if I hadn't been walking the dog every day.

I do feel a bit disheartened that I didn't get into the shop today to buy anything but I did still walk there and for me that's a huge success. In the past I would have gave up. I would have thought 'the shop's closed what's the point?' It would have basically been all black or white. This time I refuse to do that. I want and need to get my life back and that basically means giving myself a kick up the ass and forcing myself to get out and do something. 

Even though I'm not venturing far walking the dog or walking to the shop the important thing is that I'm doing it on my own and I think that's why my confidence is growing. When I go to the supermarket, I always have my Mum (safe person) or someone else in my family with me so I always know there's help there if and when I need it. I can't wait for the day when I can go to the supermarket on my own!  

Scared to tempt fate

I'm still not feeling great but I can feel myself slowly getting back to 'normal'. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been minimal throughout the last week since I've been ill. I don't know why really ... perhaps to exhausted to be anxious? I don't know ... Anyway, yesterday I was getting a bit pissed off at not being out in the last few days, I think Thursday was the last time I had went out, so I decided I was attempting the shop again. I didn't give myself too long to think about it so that I couldn't build up all the 'what if's...' in my head and scare myself senseless which would inevitably result in me not even attempting it. So I got myself ready and set off. The 'what if's...' quickly entered my head and I started to get breathless - honestly, you would have thought I'd just ran a marathon rather than walked about 30 steps from my door. I managed to get halfway there and I met a neighbour. Not going to lie, I was relieved to see her. My anxiety died down quite a bit and I continued to walk with my neighbour. The embarrassment of having to leave in front of someone is worse for me than actually continuing to go and feeling anxious. I made it to the shop and I started to feel positive. I had made it again! I don't ever seem to worry about walking home; a) because I'm on a high from getting there and not collapsing, panicking, dying, losing my sanity; and b) because getting home always seems quicker.

So today, my mission again was to get to the shop again. Like yesterday, I managed it. The weird thing though is I was more anxious again today. Perhaps just because I'm having more time to think about it. My plan is to keep this up everyday. Even if I'm not feeling right. I've avoided going to this shop for the last 8 years and right now it seems really stupid that I thought it was so scary. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to avoid it for all this time. I could have done this years ago and proved to myself that there was nothing to be scared of. It's making me see that all these rigid beliefs that I hold about my anxiety aren't set in stone and the foundations are starting to wobble. I'm now doubting these beliefs. The terrifying things that I tell myself that might happen probably won't. I used to tell myself that I would die if I walked to that shop - That's how I felt. I've been 4 times in the last week and a half and all that's happened is I've felt anxious. My anxiety hasn't even got that bad that I've felt I have to sit in the street (which embarrassingly has happened in the past!).

I'm not anxiety free at the moment which is confusing me. In the past when I've started to do things that scare me I've always noticed that my general anxiety pretty much disappears and I feel completely 'normal' in the house but this isn't happening at the moment. I'm actually more anxious in the house however, in the past I didn't live on my own and I'm starting to think that this is what's causing the anxiety. I also had friends that I could call and have a chat then. Now, I'm not in contact with anyone and a lot of the time I'm feeling bored, lonely and a bit scared if I'm honest. I'm scared that I'll be on my own forever. Anyway, enough of that going to keep this positive! I was a little bit hesitant to blog about my successes. I know that I could allow everything to come crashing down around me and I could let anxiety stop me doing things and I'd be back to square one but for some reason this time feels different. I feel more determined and I can feel my fear dissipating. I am still scared to tempt fate though! 

How I'm going to beat it

Source

I came across this tonight and thought it was a very simple and  in a way, a positive outlook on agoraphobia .. . there's no doom and gloom! I often wish that in the beginning I hadn't looked up so much about about agoraphobia and anxiety & panic, there were so many negative stories about it all that I ended up terrified and began to believe that I couldn't overcome it. Even now trying to find a positive story on agoraphobia is difficult, unless someone is selling a 'cure' - The only person that can cure it, is you! Something that has  took me a long time to accept. I'm not going to magically wake up one day and be 'better', I need to actively do things and I know that I will lose heart when I feel things are getting better fast enough but I just need to push through it and keep going ... accept that there will be good and bad days. I know I can do it. I have before, 5 years ago, after 2 years of agoraphobia I got on a plane and left the country! How I managed it I don't have a clue but I can say that that week away was the most liberating thing I've ever done and I really want to have that feeling again. I just need to get off my backside and face my fear.

I will beat this!

I've been feeling a bit ... flat? lately - that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I've been down and I've been allowing myself to sink more and more into my anxiety. I probably only realised last night just how bad I've let myself become again. I would say I'm disappointed in myself but in all honesty that's not helpful. I'm making a pact with myself tonight that I'm going to try my hardest to get myself back out of the dark hole I've been hiding in for the last 9 months. I'm not allowed to beat myself up for the way my life has turned out, it happened all I can do now is learn from it and move on. I'm not allowed to hate myself for being anxious and for not being 'normal'. Who actually is normal anyway?

I'm still very, very anxious but I feel more positive today and I feel a fresh determination that I can get my life back on track. It might take a while but I'll get there.

My posts are getting further and further apart...

I've not had anything to write lately mainly because nothing much has been happening and also because I've not been in the mood to communicate with anyone. My anxiety has died down considerably and I'm at that stage where I'm constantly thinking 'How did I let it get that bad again?'. I always swore that I would never go back to that place I was in years ago and I genuinely believed I wouldn't but for whatever reason something happened towards the end of Feb/beginning of March and sucked me straight back into that overwhelming anxiety and I had forgot how to deal with it. I don't actually even know how I got myself back out of it but I am and that's the main thing.

I'm about to contradict myself here... I'm incredibly lonely just now but at the same time I can't be bothered talking to anyone or interacting with them, at all. Not that I have many people that I can talk to anyway. I seem to be feeling a 'blah' and a stuck. I don't know what to do with my life. It feels like every direction or decision I take/make is wrong and I end up paying the consequence for it, mainly through my anxiety. All my enjoyment of things seems to have vanished. I rarely listen to music anymore, I hardly read and It's a huge effort to get myself dressed - mainly cause I don't see the point. I'm not going out and I hardly see anyone. Doing nothing every day is getting me down too. I have no structure and nothing to focus on. All my days blur into one. It feels like I sit about all day waiting to go to bed. I hate bedtime because that's when I get anxious. 'Will I get to sleep?'...'what if I don't sleep'...'I'm sure my heart is beating too fast'....'I'm going to die'...'I'm scared' - These are the general thoughts I now get at bedtime and this viscous circle goes on for hours and I wonder why I can't sleep. 


Bizarrely the last 3 nights I have dreamt that I was pregnant, which I'm definitely not! So I looked it up online. Apparently to dream you are pregnant 'symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal' - Is it just me or does anyone else relate everything that they see or read to their anxiety? I have no idea what it can mean but I definitely hope that one area of my life 'grows and develops' I'm not even fussy about which area it may be!


 I'm still only young but I feel so old. I feel like I'm never going to get my life back. How do you rebuild your life after anxiety and agoraphobia? I've not been out in the big bad world on my own in 6 years. I've always had protection and someone there to help me feel safe. How do you make friends? How do you get a job? ... I've not got any work experience and I have no qualifications except 8 GCSE's/standard grades which effectively count for nothing. My dream was to go to uni and anxiety came at a crucial point in my education and  uni wasn't an option anymore. Everyone tells me I can still go but it's not the same as I planned and It's more complicated now. I have my own house and part of my rent is paid for me because I live on benefits so going to uni isn't an option because I wouldn't know how I would cope, I would have to give up my benefits and would have to rely financially on myself. A part time job wouldn't be enough to support myself and pay my rent and getting a full time job with no qualifications still isn't enough to support me and pay my rent! How does that work out? Last year someone working for the Job Centre Plus actually told me my only option was to have a baby! I know I'm not ready to work or be in education full time but these are the worries I have. I feel that the only was I can overcome this now is to force myself to go into the big bad world and work. What I've been doing all this time hasn't been working and I'm running out of options and it feels like I'm running out of time too. 

Small steps and General worrying

So it's been a good few weeks since I was last out (never thought i'd go back to that again!) to be honest the thought of going out is making me severely anxious and ill again so I've been avoiding it! Wrong thing to do I know but I seem to have lost all my energy to fight it at the moment. I'm hoping it makes an appearance again soon! Anyway yesterday my mum seemed to have had enough of me not doing anything to fight the way the I was feeling so I was made to go a drive in the car. We didn't drive far, it was about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back. I wasn't as anxious as I had anticipated but it was a constant battle with my anxious brain to stop thinking of all the possible terrifying things that could have possibly happened. I did manage it though and I feel more positive - after all it wasn't what I had expected, although it never is!

I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!

Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.

A good day at last!

Today I woke up feeling quite positive, not sure why but I'm definitely not complaining! A good day was long overdue. It feels like I've been living in the huge bubble full of fear, anxiety and just gloom and doom in general for the last few months. So today I'm feeling relieved and really confident that everything will be ok and the bad days will get less and less again. Well here's hoping anyway!

I have been trying to analyse what's caused this increase in anxiety and I can't find anything except I've had problems with money. I hate talking about money and in particular about receiving benefits but I'm really angry and confused about how they work the whole system.
Up until last August I had been receiving incapacity benefit but I failed to attend one of the medicals that you have to go to whilst claiming incapacity benefit. My doctor faxed a letter to the relevant people explaining that due to my condition I couldn't travel to get there. She also made a request for a home visit which was rejected. So I was taken off that benefit - I am currently waiting on an appeal against that decision although who knows how long that will take. So in November I was told to apply for income support by an adviser so that's what I done but then in February I received a letter saying I wasn't entitled to income support and that it was being stopped. So I was then told to apply for for Employment and Support allowance which I did.  However, there's now problems with that too. I received a letter on Saturday saying that they wouldn't pay me that benefit. So today I phoned to see why and they told me that I have to go to the medical before they will pay me any money.

The big problem is that the place where the medical is held is 22 miles from my house and would take roughly 35 mins to get to in a car. Now that is impossible for me to get to. If I could bloody travel I wouldn't be claiming benefits but yet nobody seems to be able to understand this. Not being able to leave my house is my disability! And there's no compromise. I've had numerous faxes, medical lines and requests made for a home visit by my doctor but none of it matters. If I want any help I need to get to the medical. It's so frustrating! I would LOVE to be capable of working even if it was the crappiest job in the world, it would mean I was able to live a 'normal' life but the reality is that at the moment I'm not and I need financial help. At the moment I'm lucky enough to have family to rely on but I feel terrible for it and I'm only borrowing money if i'm desperate i.e. for food and bills. Even though I know i'll never starve or not be able to pay a bill I still find myself worrying. What if nothing gets sorted and I don't get any money... I have a house to keep ... what will I do? etc. Frankly it's stress that I don't need! This has been going on for about 8 months on and off and is the only thing I can think of that's increased my anxiety.

Anyway enough of the rant! I actually was going to write about the benefit situation before but every time I tried to write it I got stressed and anxious but today I'm feeling ok about it. I'm still angry but I will cope and it will get sorted. I'm actually just relieved that my anxiety has been reduced a bit. So to make the most of it I went a run in the car with my Mum and I even went into a shop on my own! Luckily it was quiet so I was only in for a couple of minutes but still I done it and it's something I wouldn't have done this time last week so there's definitely an improvement! I was feeling quite good after that and even took the dog a walk - now I don't walk the dog that far from my house I tend to just walk up and down the street although it is a long street but I do have my restrictions about how far I will go but the distance I walk now is a lot further than when we first got him. I did get a bit panicky whilst on the walk - I met a neighbour who stopped for a chat. I get a bit panicky when having a one-on-one conversation in general so when I'm outdoors my anxiety is magnified. However, I did manage to chat (whilst feeling a bit wobbly with the dog pulling me - great combo!) for at least 10 minutes and then she had to go. I then finished the walk and went home feeling rather good to be honest.

Free CBT online Course - Panic Center

I recently had a chat with my doctor about treatment for panic and agoraphobia etc, and he suggested looking at some online courses  which can help just now while my anxiety is as bad and because there's a huge waiting list for any kind of treatment. The one that was suggested was living life to the full which I had completed a few years ago. So anyway I decided to have a look about online and see what else was available and I came across the Panic Center which I like the look of. I haven't had a proper look about but I have signed up and completed the questionnaire - I really hate doing those! - I was quite surprised by the results.  


The results show that I show symptoms of the following:

So basically I show symptoms in all areas! Not sure if that makes me feel worse or not! So after receiving your results back - which are more detailed that that - you are taken to your customized programme to begin.  You must read Session 1: Understanding Panic but after that you can chose which sections you want to read. 

Here's what my programme looks like: 

When I'm anxious I have to say my ability to read isn't all that great but I'm going to persevere. I need my anxiety to significantly reduce, I'm really not coping at all and I do want to start the medication but I constantly think I'm going to die for no reason whatsoever and I know that if I take the medication while I'm this bad I will make myself stop taking it. I just want to be able to get through the day without this constant fear! 

Things have gotten worse

I started to write a post last week all about how bad things have got but then I realised that the whole point of this blog was to focus on the positive things I achieve and not to focus on the bad, so I decided that I wouldn't publish that post. To be honest I've wrote enough negative things on here already and the internet is full of negative stories and I certainly don't want to add to it.

I know I'm not giving a full account of coping with my anxiety and agoraphobia but things are so difficult right now and I don't want to provoke anxious thoughts etc in anyone else because I have absolutely nothing positive to say at the moment! Although I know this is just a 'blip' and that it will pass - it always does! - I just hope it's soon!

Depression?

Just a quick post today. I'm starting to wonder if I might actually be suffering from depression. I've been really down lately and have no energy at all. I'm back home today and have been trying to get back on top of the housework. Everywhere needs cleaned but I can't seem to get the energy to do it. I do a bit then just want to stop. I can't be bothered at all, and it's definitely not me just being lazy! All day i've felt like I need something to boost my mood but I don't know what. I hate feeling this way, i'm not used to it and i don't know how to handle it.

I've always been up and down with my anxiety but never this bad and when i always got down i just told myself that it was normal to feel that way in the circumstance i am in but now I am no interest in anything and can't see the positive or rational in anything.

I Finally Picked Up The Prescription...

... now all I have to do is find the courage to take them! I kind of decided yesterday that I was going to start today by taking a quarter! Laughable I know but I thought If I done that I would be less anxious about taking them and I wouldn't suffer any side effects. When It came time to take it today though I couldn't do it. Another reason I wanted to take a quarter of the tablet is I read in 'The anxiety and phobia workbook' by Edmund J. Bourne that to minimize side effects you should start off on a low dose of the meds and increase over time, for Zoloft (sertraline) he recommended 10mg and you would get this by quartering it. He also goes on to say that you should gradually increase up to a tablet a day over a period of several weeks. I wish I could stop being so bloody stupid and just take it!! I feel so bad at the moment but I don't want to feel worse and my fear is that taking the meds will send my anxiety even more out of control than it already is.

I was doing well with the Paul McKenna Mp3 but the last 2 nights I haven't done it. I can;t even blame anxiety for not listening I just couldn't be bothered I was in a bit of a downer and it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I went out yesterday but it was horrible, I didn't feel anxious when I got up so I suggested going out for a while to see if it would reduce my anxiety. I kind of wish I hadn't bothered, after 10 mins in the car I was really anxious and wanted to go home. I didn't though. We got into the supermarket and I couldn't cope. I had to stand at the clothes section which was relatively quiet and then after 15 minutes I had to leave. I did go to another shop after that just so I felt I wasn't giving in but that was a nightmare too. I felt so drained and so tired even though I had a good nights sleep. All I could think was a few weeks ago, this was so easy easy for me to do. How can it have got so bad so fast?

Paul McKenna

A while ago I bought an agoraphobia mind programming technique from the Paul McKenna website and It did help me quite a lot and usually anytime I'm feeling a bit anxious I have a listen to it and usually takes the edge of the anxiety. Lately, however, because my anxiety is so severe I can't even relax enough to listen to 2 mins of the mp3 let alone 23 mins (and that's only part 2!) but tonight I'm going to persevere and listen to it all the way through and do it every night for weeks, as suggested and see if there has been any progress or change in my anxiety.

It asks you to make a note of the strength of you phobia - I'd say on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm definitely at a 10 at the moment. I'm avoiding everything, not sleeping and have an overwhelming amount of anxiety all the time for no reason. It's horrendous, I actually forgot how bad it is to feel like this!

I will try and find a way to put the mp3 up for anyone who would like to give it a go.

Fingers crossed I start to see an improvement soon!

Anxious at the thought of taking sertraline

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking my first Sertraline (Zoloft) tablet and I'm feeling really anxious about it. My heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought. Once I've swallowed it, there's nothing I can do it's in my system. I'm terrified that something will happen, I'm having visions of being rushed to the hospital or becoming a zombie and having all these horrendous side effects. Then there's the warning on the leaflet that some people make have suicidal thoughts... What if I take them and want to kill myself? What if I lose my mind? Honestly the thoughts I've been having are awful! Although if I didn't have thoughts like these then I wouldn't need medication in the first place.

I went out yesterday for a while and my anxiety was out of control. I tried to go and sit in a changing room to try and get a grip of myself and calm myself down but I couldn't manage it. After that I started to think that the meds would maybe a good idea as maybe they would take the edge off or quieten some of the 'scary' thoughts I have when I'm out. Now that it's nearly time to take them it doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore. I feel like pleading with everyone to not make me take them and i'll work harder at trying to overcome everything. I just wish I could switch my brain off!

Agoraphobia - 0...Me - 1

Last Friday (Christmas eve) was a huge deal for me, for once I was actually able to be like a 'normal' person!

 I had booked myself into a hairdressers for a haircut and I knew that as the appointment was the day before Christmas it would be really busy, but I kept telling myself that I would cope and if the worst happened then my Mum would be with me - I think I've mentioned previously that my Mum is my 'safe person'. However, the day before the appointment my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to go to the hair appointment with me as she had too many errands to run. So I was faced with the decision to cancel the appointment or go on my own, with my Mum dropping me off and picking me up. It was a tough decision, I wanted to go to the appointment and have my hair done but at the same time I didn't want to go to the appointment on my own and freak out. In the end I decided to keep the appointment. If I was ever going to overcome this I had to face up to my fears and put myself into situations that are difficult.

When I went to bed that night though I wasn't feeling quite as brave as I had been earlier. I lay tossing and turning most of the night worrying about what would happen the next day 'Would I panic and not be able to cope?'...'Would I make an idiot of myself?'...'would people think I'm mad?'...'What If I had one of those dizzy turns? I couldn't cope with that' etc. These were the kind of thoughts I was having and by the time morning came  I was feeling defeated already...I had already gave up. I got ready and went to my parents house to talk it over with my Mum & Dad. I explained how bad I was feeling, at this point the physical symptoms had kicked in...the racing heart...the weak legs...flashes of hot and cold...the light-headedness and the general feeling of utter terror. I can always count on my Mum & Dad to do the rational thinking for me when that part of my brain appears to have deserted me. For every irrational thought I had, they were able to give me a perfectly rational one back. 'Of course I was going to be feeling anxious, I was going to be putting myself into a new situation. This was something that I hadn't done in many years. If I didn't feel like this there would be something wrong with me'. So after my pep talk from them I was feeling more at ease with the challenge that was facing me and I got into the car. I decided to take things a step at a time, If I wasn't comfortable going into the salon when I arrived I wouldn't go in but I had to at least attempt it.

Arriving at the salon and going in and sitting in the waiting room is a bit of a blur to be honest, I think I was running on the adrenaline and trying to get in before I could change my mind.

The salon was really busy and my anxious head was getting the better of me again and I started to think I couldn't do it again. I got out my phone to text my mum. Partly out of distraction and partly so I knew that I could contact her if the worse was to happen. The only problem was that I was so tense that I couldn't move my fingers properly to type which sent me into further panic. Luckily I was called to get my hair washed at this  point, which distracted me slightly.

Then came the general chit chat (which also causes me to panic) 'You going out anywhere nice tonight?' 'ehhh....not really' - there's not really any way to say your agoraphobic without things getting awkward or if there is I haven't discovered it yet. So I usually feel awkward in any social situation because I feel like a complete waste of space. Which people usually assume I am. I don't work, I don't go out, I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I don't do anything...I don't feel I fit in and I definitely feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. And is it just me or are people asking more questions about your private life these days?  Sometimes I feel like I'm under interrogation. Can we not just chat about the weather?

So far I had managed to handle things and being taken over to the chair and getting a head and shoulder massage definitely helped me to relax a little more! Now I just had to get the cut and have it dried then I could leave. I was fine throughout the actual cutting and when I the hair dryer was switched on I felt a wave of relief...It was almost over and I could leave. The relief was short lived though. It felt like out of the blue came a huge wave of panic came over me and suddenly I really didn't think I could cope any more and I didn't know what to do. I could feel tears coming and I was trying my hardest not to cry. I got my phone out again but I didn't know what to do. My fingers were stiff again and I didn't want the stylist to see what I was texting either. I thought about ringing my Mum's phone and not speaking - She'd know what was happening and come and get me. I did manage to get a grip of myself and calm myself down a little. Five minutes later my Mum walked through the door and I was finished.

I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to be leaving somewhere. The important thing for me to remember though is that I did it. It was something that I would have never contemplated doing on my own. I've proved to myself that I can survive doing things on my own. I am an adult I don't need to be looked after, If I panic I will cope and It will pass in the end. Will it be easier next time? No, I don't think It will. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but at least now I have some experience behind me and I know what to expect next time.

Struggling

For the last 2 weeks everything seems to have went downhill and I don't know why. Not knowing why is probably the most frustrating part, if I don't know what's caused it, how the hell am I supposed to fix it?! My anxiety has been really out of control and I have been feeling awful. I've been having a lot of dizzy spells - which I'm thinking could be related to tension? I'm not sure. My 'anxious brain' is telling me something more sinister but I'm trying to shut those thoughts out, life is hard enough without that!

My sleeping pattern is also out of control. I'm up all night and sleeping all day. It's dark when I go to bed and still dark when I get up! - so that's also making me feel like crap (thinking I may need a sad lamp) and to top it off the UK has been pretty much brought to a standstill with the winter weather we've been having. I was unable to get out the house for a week because it was that bad! When I did manage, I went to the supermarket, as I needed food, but I had to leave after 10 minutes as I had a panic attack. I was really disappointed as I haven't actually had a proper full-blown panic attack in public for about 7 months. I've been anxious and had the wobbly legs etc but never got to the point where I couldn't cope and leave. So this has left me disheartened. I refuse to give up though. There's no way I succumb to another setback, I refuse to do it.

The next night I went with my Mum to get paint and to go to a few other shops, again, I had a panic attack. This time I didn't leave but it was a struggle to force myself to stay. My legs were like jelly and my heart was racing. All I could think was that I was going to collapse; eventually it got so bad that I had to sit on the floor and pretend to be looking at wallpaper. Then the dizziness started and I thought I was going to be stuck there and that even if I wanted to leave I couldn't. Needless to say by the time I went to the next shop my anxiety was off the scale and I just wanted to get home. This was made worse by the fact that it was -8c outside and we practically ice skated to the next shop - not great when your feeling dizzy and off balance! My Mum actually had a dizzy turn and we had to leave. It's amazing how quickly my anxiety reduced when I became concerned about my Mum. Instead of thinking about me collapsing or fainting I thought about my Mum and also (selfishly) what would I do if she collapsed? Fortunately she didn't!

I did have a positive experience yesterday though. I needed to go shopping for food (again), this time though my Mum refused to take me to the supermarket I usually go to as she doesn't buy anything from that supermarket. The selection is rubbish but it's usually empty and I feel quite comfortable when shopping there. So the only one she was going to was the the one which is always busy; that I've had more panic attacks than I can remember in and the one I always meet people I know that to be honest I don't want to meet. Nobody except a few close people know anything about my anxiety or agoraphobia. I don't like people knowing about it. In the beginning I tried to explain it but nobody understood and I was called 'lazy', 'weird' an 'attention seeker'...all the usual crap. So I'm a closeted agoraphobic! When I meet people I know I panic when they ask me what I'm up to now. I have no idea what to say, I have nothing going on in my life at all! So for this reason I hate meeting people.
Anyway, If it hadn't been necessary for me to go and get some shopping I wouldn't have went but I needed to go and, I did. I started off feeling really anxious but the longer I spent inside the store the more my anxiety reduced which I didn't expect to happen. I even made it through the checkout without the usual dizziness and shaky legs.

Yesterdays events have lifted my mood considerably but I'm anxious about the effect winter is going to have on me and how it will affect my anxiety. I don't seem to get the same opportunity to get out in winter and to be honest I don't want to go out anyway. I'm never able to enjoy Christmas any more cause my anxiety is usually too bad and I feel i'm making everyone else miserable because I don't want to be around anyone. I feel sorry for myself. I get jealous of all the party photos the are put up on facebook over the festive period. Winter just seems to be a really negative time for me and every year I'm determined to fight it and stay positive but when It comes to it I can't cope and I don't know what to do.