My fear of dying

This probably a pretty morbid post and I apologise in advance but I do feel this is important for me to write as this is now my main fear and is currently the catalyst for my anxiety and panic. I would give anything to go back to the time when my worst fear during a panic attack was my fear of fainting. In no way am I dismissing a fear of fainting because it was still terrifying but my fear of death never goes away, even when the panic is done.

Before I had panic attacks I always had a fear of death, I suppose most people do, but I rarely thought about. Now though my fear of death is really intense and I think about it all the time, and I really do mean all the time! It never leaves my mind. Even when I feel 'ok' I still think I could die at any minute. Any symptom I get, I start to think 'am I going to die'. I've tried to speak to counsellors and psychologists about it but it's always dismissed as normal. Yeah, I agree, having a fear of death is normal but my fear stops me from living life. Everything I'm afraid to do is because I'm afraid I might die while doing it. I've lost count of the number of times I've read or heard about young, healthy people collapsing and dying and then I start to think why would I be any different - I mean I even feel like I'm dying majority of the time. Walking round the supermarket, my usual thought is 'I could collapse and die here' - and I don't even necessarily have any anxiety or panic symptoms at this point.

I know that one day I'll die and if I think too much into this I can make myself physically sick. Not knowing when that day will come is what makes me anxious. Will I be old, will I be young? I've always thought I'll live till an old age but I always think 'what if?' I suppose I fear it because it's out of my control. The only thing that could have possibly caused this is my panic attacks. I've never lost anyone close to me, which makes me extremely lucky and is something I thank God for every day.

I feel that unless I get this fear under control I'm never going to overcome any of my problems. I pick up on every symptom within my body and I fear them, thinking they may be something that could kill me. If I get a rash I immediately go into a panic attack - I think I have meningitis. A swollen gland - I think I have cancer. If I don't sleep one night I even think this will kill me.

I don't know how I overcome this. Usually I go with the 'face your fear' programme but how do you face a fear of dying? Every time I've overcame my anxiety & agoraphobia it's come back and I believe that this is the reason why. So you would think if I could get this under control my anxiety would go, except I don't know how I overcome my fear of dying.

Apologies if this is too morbid or anxiety-provoking for you but I felt I had to write it.

L x