I've tried the last few weeks to write a post and I usually get half way through and delete it. I can't seem to be able to put what I want to say into words and also I have no motivation whatsoever. For anything. I've suspected that for about the last 11 months I've been a bit depressed. I don't feel suicidal but I do have just about every other symptom. I haven't spoke to anyone about it and when I was given the assessment forms for depression I ticked the boxes that I knew wouldn't class me as being depressed, which is wrong because if your getting help, you always be honest, nothing will ever change or get better if your not open at your sessions. For some reason though I convinced myself that having depression would be the worst thing in the world. I've been there when I was 16 and to be honest I'm scared to go back to that state.
I've never quite felt like this before though, I feel down all the time and I have no hope, which isn't like me. Usually no matter how bad my anxiety is, I always have hope that I will get better and things will be good - That's now gone. I now have no motivation, no enjoyment in anything, I have no energy and everything is a huge effort... It's so bad that I actually have to force myself to go and shower every day! I spend all day wanting to go to bed and sleep to get break from it all. I can't be bothered to cook so I'm eating crap all the time and gaining weight, which is making me feel even more down. Even when I'm not anxious I feel terrible. I feel flat - that's the only way I can describe it. I can't seem to cry anymore which is confusing me; It's like I've become numb. I don't know what to do.
I've also been discharged by the psychologist I was seeing for missing an appointment which made me feel even worse. I know that there are huge waiting lists but surely when you have anxiety and agoraphobia they could make some exception to the rules. I attend most of the time, which is a struggle, but if it means getting better then I'll put myself through the anxiety and panic. Sometimes though it's too much, we all have good days and bad days, It's just that my bad days mean not being able to leave my house.
So now I'm back on the waiting list to see someone else and who knows how long I'll have to wait. I'm annoyed about it, we were only just getting to the stage of helping me deal with my anxiety and now I'll have to start all over again. Back over all the shit that's gone on in my life, which I know they have on file, and I've dealt with what when on in my childhood, so I think it's pointless talking about it for 4 sessions I'd rather just deal with my problems now.
While waiting for that I've been working on the anxiety & panic workbook by Edmund J, Bourne which I think is great for anyone with anxiety but there is a lot of reading in it. I'm also reading/listening to Paul McKenna 'I can make you happy'. I'm also back on the Kalms, which are helping my anxiety a teeny, tiny bit, nothing ground breaking, but better than nothing I suppose! I still have the Sertraline which I still am intending to take (hopefully at some point before the years out!) but am still scared of potential side effects and haven't found a time where I'll have a spare 2weeks where I don't have anything to do so I can curl up in a ball and want to die, which is what I'm expecting to be like - lol!
On a positive note, over the last 6 weeks I managed to have my wisdom tooth removed, which I avoided for the last 2 years as I was terrified about it! But it's done and it wasn't bad at all - I didn't even have any pain! So lesson learned - don't listen to other people's horror stories!I also managed to have my first ever smear test done which I had avoided for 4 years. It actually wasn't as embarrassing as I had anticipated and I didn't even have a panic attack which I though I would have definitely had. I haven't had the results back yet and waiting for results does make me a little anxious but I'm trying not to think about it too much.
I think that's pretty much everything that's happened lately. I'm booked in for a massage tomorrow. I've been having bad pain in my shoulders and neck, which I think is caused by tension so I'm hoping it will help and make me relax a little more. I'm worried that I'll have a panic attack whilst having the massage but I'll survive, I always do!
Hope your all well
L x
I know the feeling! I've been depressed again too and it worries me because I got so depressed a few years ago and I don't want to be back there again. Maybe recognizing it before it gets bad may help you avoid falling so low? That really sucks about being discharged, you would think they would be understanding to your situation! Is there a therapist you can find that might be more understanding? Or one that does home visits? I know that can be difficult to find, I've had a hard time finding one but I finally have been seeing a therapist long enough she's willing to visit my home if need be. Congrats on getting your wisdom teeth removed! And good luck with your massage :)
ReplyDeleteWhere I live home visits are not an option for anyone suffering anxiety as we don't have a physical disability, which I think is terrible! That's great you've found someone who will do that. I think they would be willing to visit me at home if I was paying but because it's NHS you have to go to them. I am back on the waiting list to see someone else so hopefully that will be sorted soon.
ReplyDeleteI was the same with depression I had it 7 years ago and I had to fight really hard to overcome it and had to continue fighting so it didn't come back. I suspect I've had it again for almost a year but have been in denial, which hasn't helped at all. At least now I can accept it, face it and hopefully get back out of it again!
Thanks for your comment. L x