Always look on the bright side of life

I'm currently without my laptop & had an overwhelming urge to blog. Luckily, tonight I discovered that there is now a blogger app! :)

I had big plans about starting 2012 feeling really positive and working hard to overcome my problems but I think it was too much pressure because my anxiety increased. So now I'm just focusing on how I can implement small positive changes into my life. Small changes which hopefully will make a big difference.

The first one is starting a gratitude diary/journal. I used to do this when I was attending psychology sessions but I suppose I done it because it was homework rather than I done it because it helped so I never really benefited from it.

The plan is: at the end of each night I'm going to list 5 things from each day which I'm grateful for and at the end of the week, I will blog the top 5 things.

According to Dr Martin seligman, the founder of the positive psychology movement, writing down things which are good in your life each week, will enable you to feel happier & less depressed. So here's hoping!

This weeks 5 things I'm grateful for are:

1. My house - I moan all the time about the effort it takes to do everything in the house and never having the money to decorate or fix things but I do always manage and eventually I get the money to do the things I want. It's a great distraction too since there's always something that needs doing. I love my house, it really is beginning to feel homely & safe.

2. My family - I often take them for granted - as we all do - but I couldn't Cope without them and they help me in so many different ways. I may moan about them & they may piss me off a lot but I really do love them so much!

3. My health - I often doubt my health & often assume the worst or constantly think there's something serious wrong with me - all part of anxiety I suppose - but the fact is I'm young and I am healthy!

4. Anxiety free days - life seems a million times easier, I get so much done & I feel I can accomplish anything! I see the positive side of things and I believe I can get better. These days are the best!

5. My ability to learn - I've made huge progress with my driving and have now been told that if I can get my anxiety under control I will pass my test with no problems. I now believe in myself and my driving ability and have proved to myself that with willpower I can learn new things. Things that seemed so difficult in the beginning I can eventually do without even giving it a second thought.

Still feeling positive

I'm ill at the moment and haven't managed to get out the last 2 days - I am actually really, physically ill, not my usual anxious 'ill'. I can myself starting to get better which is great. I can't wait till I feel human again. I'm really surprised though that I've not been anxious though. Health anxiety causes me to be extremely anxious almost all of the time when I feel fine so when I am actually really ill, it usually moves up a gear but this time I've not really been anxious. I've had a couple of 'what if...?' moments but for the majority I've accepted that it's just a bug and within a few days it will pass. I'm feeling bad about not getting out but it genuinely can't be helped in this case, to just sit up straight has my head in agony. As the day has went on though I can feel myself starting to get a bit better so hopefully the worst is over!

Despite this though I am feeling really positive at the moment. I feel like I can cope again - always a good thing! -  I don't feel like my life is going to be like this forever. I've been listening to music again, I've been able to hold a conversation and last night I got so engrossed in a tv programme I forgot to 'check' for any symptoms I was having. All positive signs. I'm still on the lookout for anxiety creeping back up but at the moment it's manageable. At the back of my mind I'm still thinking it can come back just as easily as it went away although I also realise that if I keep thinking about it and fearing it, I will cause myself to be anxious again. The best thing I can do is accept that it probably will come back and when it does I'll be fine.

I'm hoping to be feeling better tomorrow to start my target of going to the shop since I proved to myself the other day that I can do it and I can even do it without feeling anxious!

L x

I will beat this!

I've been feeling a bit ... flat? lately - that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I've been down and I've been allowing myself to sink more and more into my anxiety. I probably only realised last night just how bad I've let myself become again. I would say I'm disappointed in myself but in all honesty that's not helpful. I'm making a pact with myself tonight that I'm going to try my hardest to get myself back out of the dark hole I've been hiding in for the last 9 months. I'm not allowed to beat myself up for the way my life has turned out, it happened all I can do now is learn from it and move on. I'm not allowed to hate myself for being anxious and for not being 'normal'. Who actually is normal anyway?

I'm still very, very anxious but I feel more positive today and I feel a fresh determination that I can get my life back on track. It might take a while but I'll get there.

The brief moments where I feel 'normal'

I had one tonight. They never last long, usually just a couple of minutes. They really are great though. When it happened earlier on I was joking with my sister and I actually genuinely laughed and for a brief moment I felt like the old me. When I notice it has happened I feel positive. During these moments anxiety, panic, agoraphobia an the state of my health aren't consuming my thoughts. It proves to me that I feel the way I do because of anxiety and I start to believe I can beat it! Right now I feel the most comfortable just living and being me, than I have done in a long while. Here's hoping it lasts!

Paul McKenna - First Listen

Just listened to the mp3 for the first time and I do feel calmer and I was able to listen all the way through so I'm off to a positive start!

I'm feeling a lot more positive too, think it may be because I was able to listen all the way through without constantly fighting waves of panic and fidgeting. I also just read this post, which is fabulous! The first person I've heard about overcoming their agoraphobia, without selling their product! (lol). So positivity is the way forward! Thinking positive is really difficult for me, I tend to see things in black and white and to be honest I mostly find the negative in everything!