I don't get it.

Today has been a huge success but has also been a bit of a downer. The huge success was that I was able to go out for a family meal and actually feel partly 'normal' for quite a bit of it. Anxiety did set in towards the end of the meal but it was bearable and I was actually able to finish a meal in public! This is a huge deal. Usually if I'm eating in public, after a few bites my stomach is in knots and I literally cannot swallow anymore food. So to actually be able to eat a meal is amazing! The restaurant was quite busy but there was plenty of space so I wasn't feeling too claustrophobic which was definitely helpful. Another good sign was that I didn't have to use the toilets. Usually when I go into somewhere the first thing I do is find out where the toilets are 'just in case' and then proceed to make several trips, trying to decrease my anxiety but tonight I didn't have to. I didn't try going to the shops today as I knew I was going to go out for dinner and didn't want to push myself too much but I will be back to trying to go to the shop tomorrow.

This is what's bothering me, since I've came home tonight my anxiety levels have been quite high. My health anxiety in particular has increased considerably. Not sure if I blogged about this, but for the last 6 weeks I've been having throat problems and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms of throat cancer. Now, I'm only 24 and I don't smoke and very rarely drink so I am aware that the chances of me having throat cancer are very slim but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. I went to the doctor last week and she told me she thought it was caused by my tooth. I disagree and I don't feel she done a thorough check of my throat. Anyway, today after I came out the shower I coughed up a bit of blood. This immediately sent me into a panic. I tried to fill out a panic attack thought record (similar to this one),  which the psychologist gave me to fill in when I had a panic attack, and under the part where you write a rational thought I couldn't think of any rational thought as to why I was coughing up blood. I can usually always think of something rational to put in the box but surely coughing up blood isn't a good sign? To top it off I also had bleeding in my bowel movements again tonight which I'm not overly anxious about as I'm starting to believe this is caused by internal hemorrhoids but my doctor did say that if it happened again he would recommend a scope - which I'm not feeling too great about! I just feel that at the moment my body seems to be falling apart. It feels that just when I'm getting better mentally, my body is giving up. At times I just wish I could get a break. Something always seems to go wrong and it's exhausting constantly trying to battle through it. If it's not my mind, it's my body etc. It's hard not to just think 'fuck it' and just give up. I don't plan on giving up but today has definitely been one of those testing days.

It's been a while...

since I last wrote. Things have been weird. My anxiety has either been really awful or non-existent... there's been nothing inbetween. One day can be hell and the next I can be very manageable. This is really unusual for me, I either have periods of being fine or having severe anxiety... not changing on a daily basis. Who knows what's going on! I really wish it would piss off though!

I'm actually really worried about my health at the moment. I always worry about my health and at my first appointment with the psychologist I was diagnosed with health anxiety, which does make sense as my health is what I  really worry about all the time. However, this time is different. Usually when I worry about something being wrong with me I get anxious and panicky about it but deep down I kind of know that it's just my anxiety. Just now I am 100% convinced that I have cancer. I'm still having the rectal bleeding on and off, and I've developed new symptoms which are really worrying me. I'm sweating all the time and waking up during the night soaked through with sweat. I've been thinking that it's summer and it'll be warmer know but I don't think that's what it is. I'm also getting stomach pains now which I hadn't been having. Last week I also have severe pain in my back and my hip and it felt like there was something there but I couldn't feel anything. Cancer seems to be everywhere at the moment (or I'm just looking out for it) and it's like I can't get away from it. I really am terrified. I can't even explain how terrified I am. When I think about it I actually go cold and numb and I feel sick to my stomach. I worked up the courage to go for the blood tests 2 weeks ago but they wouldn't take me because my card said it was non-urgent and they would only take urgent blood tests. They then wouldn't let me make an appointment to go for the tests. I was told that I would have to come back and sit all day to wait for them to get done. There's no way I can do that with the way my agoraphobia is at the moment, getting there the first time was hard enough. I did hand in a stool sample (lovely) which came back fine but I don't know what this was tested for so I don't know what that means. I know I need to get the bloods done and I am planning on going next week. I'm scared of getting the results for them too. What if there is something? I don't think I could cope with that. I've spent the last 7 years not coping with a 'what if there was something wrong with me?' worry which has taken over my whole life.

I'm on my own majority of the time as well which isn't helping at all. I have nothing to distract me. I just sit and worry all the time. When I do have company I'm still half away in my own little world. When I do get to the stage where I'm panicking I have nobody I can talk to and take my mind off it. I think that's the worst part of my anxiety and agoraphobia - I've lost everybody that was in my life. I'm just pretty much on my own all the time. It's difficult. My friends were always really important to me and not having them in my life is really difficult to cope with. I miss laughing...I miss having stupid problems that I used to have. I can remember a time when having a spot was the end of the world. I often wish I was one of those people who just don't think about anything and do what they want. I suppose I just want to be 'normal' and not put myself through hell all the time.

An example of how bad my anxiety is

I've not been sleeping well again - This time rather than not being able to get to sleep at all. I've been falling asleep and waking up 4/4 and half hours later and not being able to get back to sleep. It's taking its toll now and I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5am and I feel I have no energy and I don't want to do anything at all. 

A little while ago I was starting to feel anxious due to being so tired so I got my make up out and decided that I would play about with that as a way to distract myself (currently trying to find new hobbies as none of my distraction techniques are working!). Playing about with the make up was actually quite a good distraction from the anxiety I was experiencing. However, I started to notice my throat was sore and I started coughing quite badly. A lot of phlegm came up and I went to the bathroom to spit it out. When I looked in the sink I spotted what I thought was blood. Instantly I went into to panic mode and had a full blown panic attack. In my head I thought 'I really do have cancer and now it's spread', 'am I going to die?', 'omg, I'm on my own. Nobody is here to help me'. It took me 15 minutes to realise that it was actually the red lipstick I had put on earlier. So I caused myself to panic for no reason at all. I'm obviously constantly looking out for 'danger' and the smallest thing is setting the panic off. That was half an hour ago and I'm still shaking and feel even more exhausted because I had a panic attack. I'm so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just try and think of a rational explanation for things before I go into panic mode? Although it doesn't feel like I get much time to think, my body just seems to react. As soon as I saw the red I felt all the blood drain out of my body. I'm so tired of being like this. 

Cancer?

I've mentioned previously that for a while I've been suffering with stomach problems. To be honest I had put these down to my heightened state of anxiety in recent months although when I started to have rectal bleeding a few weeks ago I started to panic and decided that it would be best if I saw my doctor.

My appointment was last week. Which I managed to go to with little anxiety which was an achievement especially considering how embarrassing it was. I was asked a lot of general questions about my symptoms  and was then given a rectal examination - which wasn't actually that painful or uncomfortable just humiliating. It was quick however! The doctor informed me that she would check for hemorrhoids or any cancerous lumps - which was a big mistake. I expected to be told I was too young to have cancer and that I was being stupid to be worrying. A big part of me was expecting to be told it was due to hemorrhoids and to be sent home with a cream - This didn't happen. After the examination I was told everything looked fine. I went into anxious mode after the mention of cancer and eventually had to ask if it was likely that it could be cancer. The reply I got was that it would be highly unlikely but not impossible. What the hell does that mean? I was told to make an appointment to have blood tests and hand in a stool sample.

I was supposed to go and get blood taken on Friday but I never went. I'm absolutely terrified. What if they come back and say that they've found something? I don't think I could cope with that. I'm now putting off going for the tests all together now. On the other hand if it was nothing, it would be a relief to know. It could be one less thing to worry about. At the moment I'm constantly looking out for cancer symptoms and checking any aches or pains I'm having or if i'm feeling nauseous...anything basically! I feel I'm going mad to be honest and I'm really really scared.