Unfamiliar Territory

I kept up with my daily walk to the shop again tonight (day 3 on my own, day 4 walking to the shop) and I wasn't too anxious before going but I ended up being quite panicky and at one point in the shop felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack. I did just about manage to keep myself from tipping over the edge by trying to talk to myself in a positive, helpful way rather than my anxious, frightening unhelpful way. It seemed to help me cope. The shop again wasn't too busy and I was lucky to be at the start of the queue which made it a lot more manageable! Anxiety on the walk home was about a 7 or 8. Not ideal but the positive thing is I done it! The only thing I can think of that made tonight more anxiety provoking was that I hadn't eaten all day and when I don't eat my blood sugar levels fall quite quickly and it feels like a panic attack but in order to eat something I had to go to the shop as I haven't braved the supermarket in a couple of weeks.

Another thing happened tonight. A family drama happened which saw me having to walk somewhere I haven't walked in about 8 years and a distance I haven't walked since then either. When I mentioned this out loud everyone was shocked. Partly because to most 'normal' people this wouldn't be considered that far, in fact, it would probably be nothing at all but for me it was terrifying. When I was asked to go I briefly hesitated and the 'what ifs...' started in my head but I quickly brushed them away. A huge part of me was curious if I could manage it. I think I wanted to go, I wanted to test myself. I'm not going to lie though and say it was easy because it wasn't. I did manage to get there and back to my house but my anxiety and panic levels were high the whole time. All I could think is 'what if this happens? ... what if that happens?' It was never ending. I also got a nice shock at how unfit I actually am. For my age and the distance I walk I'm a little disgusted and ashamed at how out of breath I was and how bad the stitch in my side was. Appalling!

Overall, I'm glad that I done. It wasn't pleasant and it certainly wasn't easy but I've proved to myself that I can do it. The more I do things the more I realise that the only thing that is holding me back from going where I want and doing what I want is the way that I'm thinking about these situations and the fact that I'm not making myself go out and challenge things. I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up and the anxiety, panic & agoraphobia are magically gone, and I have to realise that that is never going to happen. I have to work hard to get myself better; to be able to go out and not panic; to live day to day and not feel anxious about life. The more I challenge things, the more I realise IT IS ALL ANXIETY. There's no underlying health condition, there's no mental disorder. It's me that's holding myself back. It's me that's causing the anxiety and panic. It's me that's not doing enough to get better and ultimately It's me and only me who can get me better. I hope the way I'm feeling tonight lasts because it's given me the kick up the ass I've needed for a long time and I can feel a little bit of that fight and determination I used to have coming back. I could wake up in the morning and it could be gone again but again that would be up to me to decide if I want to fight or just give up again. I have to stop waiting for other people to make me better or to make me happy. If I can't do it myself, how on earth can I expect other people to do it?

Out on my own

Last week was an amazing week for me, probably the best I've had in a LONG time. Anxiety didn't seem to be present much, or if it was I didn't notice, think about it or try to analyse every little detail to find out what was causing it. There were things I wanted to do and I was going to do them regardless of 'how I was feeling'. Usually I won't book appointments in advance or arrange things with people as I always want to wait and 'see how I feel' or I find that I feel under pressure and get overly anxious days beforehand so bad that I don't sleep, can't relax at all and usually end up not doing what I had planned. Last week, however, I was on a mission. 

I had been wanting to go for a massage for ages, as months of anxiety and tension was giving me pain in my neck and shoulders and I wanted to see if a massage would relieve it a bit. I noticed a deal on groupon for a salon in my area offering a massage, facial & nails done for a third of the price and I really wanted the massage so I bought the deal. The initial appointment I booked I had to cancel on the day as I was so anxious about it, there was no way I could go. I was so disappointed and angry at myself for letting anxiety win again so I arranged the appointment for the next week. I was determined I was going, there was no way anxiety was stopping me but then came another obstacle; nobody would be available to give me a lift to the appointment, my only option was to get a taxi and go on my own. 'Fine' I told myself ' that's what I'll do' my anxiety was telling me a different story though... 'You can't do it, you haven't went anywhere on your own for years... you'll have the worst panic attack ever... just cancel it and lose the money... you'll feel safe if you don't' These thoughts were constantly in my head. I remembered something my therapist told me to try. She told me not to try and block the thoughts out cause that won't work, but accept them & take them for what they are. They're only thoughts, they aren't rigid facts. I give all my 'scary' thoughts way to much credit. I have a million fleeting thoughts a day and unless they are 'scary' I'm able to pretty much dismiss them. I feel I need to hold onto the scary ones. I guess I feel that if I hold onto them I'll be keeping myself safe because I don't want anything bad to happen and I fear that if I dismiss it something bad will happen to me. I've gave these thoughts control for far too long and it's pretty much wrecked my life. I can't do it anymore. If a 'normal' person went to go outside and thought 'If I go out there something might happen... I might die' They'd be thinking WTF? and then get on with what they were intending on doing. If it happens to me I think 'That's right something could happen. I don't want to go out... at least if I stay here I'll feel better and then if anything did happen nobody would be able to see me'. Then I try to analyse everything that's just happened and it goes round and round in circles. It pretty exhausting and It's no wonder I never feel good. I feel like I'm either constantly anxious, scared or battling with myself to be normal. 

So, anyway - I rambled a bit there! - I made my mind up that I was going and not content with that challenge I decided to book a driving lesson for the same day - 'In for a penny, In for a pound' - I could either set myself up for a complete fail or I could keep thinking that I can do it. I didn't really have anything to lose as I've been anxious almost all of the time the last few months, so I was going for it.

The day came and I felt like the worlds biggest idiot. How on earth was I going to manage hours out on my own followed by a driving lesson??! To say I felt ill would have been an understatement! I got dressed and phoned the taxi. Within 15 minutes of phoning the taxi, I was seated in the salon. It was so busy and I hadn't been prepared for it and the panic started to rise all I could think was that I had to leave. I was given forms to fill out which I could hardly fill in as I was shaking so much. After a 40 minute wait I was finally called into the small room for my massage and facial. It was lit by candles, smelt amazing and relaxation music was playing in the background. I began to think I could do this again. I never fully relaxed during the treatment, I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong at one point I was even thinking what if I have an allergic reaction to the products for the facial! I worry about everything! I had explained to the beautician about my panic attacks and when waiting for the face mask to washed off she give me a mini reiki session. I had been wanting to try reiki but had never got round to it. It did make me feel a bit more relaxed but really that was all I experienced, nothing amazing happened. By the time it came to getting my nails done I was quite relaxed which had me feeling pretty confident about my driving lesson a few hours later.

The driving lesson went well, I was a bit panicky at times but I did manage to keep it under control. We stayed local to ease me back in, which helped a lot since I haven't drove in about a year and was a bit rusty. I've had a fair few lessons before but anxiety, panic & agoraphobia have always got in the way and I've had to end them. This time though I determined to stick with it. I shouldn't be too far away from sitting my test and my theory test runs out in 6 months so I need to pass it within that time so I don't need to resit & pay for another theory test. I did have another lesson tonight and I notice a huge improvement in both my anxiety and my driving! which is good. Ironically thought tonight I had a panic attack right before the lesson but ended up feeling calmer than I did last week! I have another booked for next week and I'm hoping it goes just as well as it did tonight. When I came home tonight I was feeling great. It was fantastic to do something 'normal' and because I noticed an improvement from last week my confidence has grown as well. It's fair to say that at the moment I'm feeling pretty good.

Again!

Today I made it to the shop again. Was a bit more anxious but I wasn't feeling too great anyway I had an anxious night last. Health anxiety is playing up quite a bit right now but I suppose I've got to just get on with it. I'm pleased that I made it to the shop again. I'm going to keep going with it until I'm comfortable and don't have to think it through every time I go. When I accomplish this, It's time to go a bit further. In the meantime though I'm really pleased with my progress.

More anxious in the house than I am outside?

The last few days I've came to the conclusion that lately I've been far more anxious in the house than I have been when I've been out, which is a strange turn of events. Today I never got to the shop before it closed so about an hour ago the dog was due his last walk and I thought a way to keep things going in the right direction would be to walk to the shop with the dog even though it was closed, which I did and again it was pretty much anxiety free. Although it was a bit creepy so late at night as there was nobody around. Here's where I'm confused ... I came in the house and this feeling of dread came over me. I love my house and I always want to get back to it. It has everything that makes me comfortable, but at the moment I seem to be having a problem being in it. I don't know if it's just too quiet or whether it's because I know I'm on my own but it's like I'd rather be out than in. 

When I'm in the house I'm lonely and I get all these anxious thoughts whereas lately when I've been out I've not been so anxious. I've tried putting music on in the background, washing machine, tv ... anything that makes noise to see if this helps but it doesn't. Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't really know how to distract myself anymore and then I start to think that perhaps boredom is causing me to have anxious thoughts? My brain has nothing to focus on. I know that a lot of the focus in The Linden Method is centered around keeping your brain busy, filling all your time so that you don't get anxious. For the psychologist, I've had to to keep an activity and rest diary, to see what I do with my day (which isn't a lot!) and then we look to see what activities we can add to it so that I'm doing something every day. At the moment, I'm supposed to be walking the dog every day or 10 mins exercise. Majority of the time I've walked the dog, because that has to be done and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I can feel my confidence growing and I'm going places I haven't walked in years. I definitely wouldn't have had the courage to attempt walking to the shop if I hadn't been walking the dog every day.

I do feel a bit disheartened that I didn't get into the shop today to buy anything but I did still walk there and for me that's a huge success. In the past I would have gave up. I would have thought 'the shop's closed what's the point?' It would have basically been all black or white. This time I refuse to do that. I want and need to get my life back and that basically means giving myself a kick up the ass and forcing myself to get out and do something. 

Even though I'm not venturing far walking the dog or walking to the shop the important thing is that I'm doing it on my own and I think that's why my confidence is growing. When I go to the supermarket, I always have my Mum (safe person) or someone else in my family with me so I always know there's help there if and when I need it. I can't wait for the day when I can go to the supermarket on my own!  

I don't get it.

Today has been a huge success but has also been a bit of a downer. The huge success was that I was able to go out for a family meal and actually feel partly 'normal' for quite a bit of it. Anxiety did set in towards the end of the meal but it was bearable and I was actually able to finish a meal in public! This is a huge deal. Usually if I'm eating in public, after a few bites my stomach is in knots and I literally cannot swallow anymore food. So to actually be able to eat a meal is amazing! The restaurant was quite busy but there was plenty of space so I wasn't feeling too claustrophobic which was definitely helpful. Another good sign was that I didn't have to use the toilets. Usually when I go into somewhere the first thing I do is find out where the toilets are 'just in case' and then proceed to make several trips, trying to decrease my anxiety but tonight I didn't have to. I didn't try going to the shops today as I knew I was going to go out for dinner and didn't want to push myself too much but I will be back to trying to go to the shop tomorrow.

This is what's bothering me, since I've came home tonight my anxiety levels have been quite high. My health anxiety in particular has increased considerably. Not sure if I blogged about this, but for the last 6 weeks I've been having throat problems and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms of throat cancer. Now, I'm only 24 and I don't smoke and very rarely drink so I am aware that the chances of me having throat cancer are very slim but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. I went to the doctor last week and she told me she thought it was caused by my tooth. I disagree and I don't feel she done a thorough check of my throat. Anyway, today after I came out the shower I coughed up a bit of blood. This immediately sent me into a panic. I tried to fill out a panic attack thought record (similar to this one),  which the psychologist gave me to fill in when I had a panic attack, and under the part where you write a rational thought I couldn't think of any rational thought as to why I was coughing up blood. I can usually always think of something rational to put in the box but surely coughing up blood isn't a good sign? To top it off I also had bleeding in my bowel movements again tonight which I'm not overly anxious about as I'm starting to believe this is caused by internal hemorrhoids but my doctor did say that if it happened again he would recommend a scope - which I'm not feeling too great about! I just feel that at the moment my body seems to be falling apart. It feels that just when I'm getting better mentally, my body is giving up. At times I just wish I could get a break. Something always seems to go wrong and it's exhausting constantly trying to battle through it. If it's not my mind, it's my body etc. It's hard not to just think 'fuck it' and just give up. I don't plan on giving up but today has definitely been one of those testing days.

Scared to tempt fate

I'm still not feeling great but I can feel myself slowly getting back to 'normal'. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been minimal throughout the last week since I've been ill. I don't know why really ... perhaps to exhausted to be anxious? I don't know ... Anyway, yesterday I was getting a bit pissed off at not being out in the last few days, I think Thursday was the last time I had went out, so I decided I was attempting the shop again. I didn't give myself too long to think about it so that I couldn't build up all the 'what if's...' in my head and scare myself senseless which would inevitably result in me not even attempting it. So I got myself ready and set off. The 'what if's...' quickly entered my head and I started to get breathless - honestly, you would have thought I'd just ran a marathon rather than walked about 30 steps from my door. I managed to get halfway there and I met a neighbour. Not going to lie, I was relieved to see her. My anxiety died down quite a bit and I continued to walk with my neighbour. The embarrassment of having to leave in front of someone is worse for me than actually continuing to go and feeling anxious. I made it to the shop and I started to feel positive. I had made it again! I don't ever seem to worry about walking home; a) because I'm on a high from getting there and not collapsing, panicking, dying, losing my sanity; and b) because getting home always seems quicker.

So today, my mission again was to get to the shop again. Like yesterday, I managed it. The weird thing though is I was more anxious again today. Perhaps just because I'm having more time to think about it. My plan is to keep this up everyday. Even if I'm not feeling right. I've avoided going to this shop for the last 8 years and right now it seems really stupid that I thought it was so scary. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to avoid it for all this time. I could have done this years ago and proved to myself that there was nothing to be scared of. It's making me see that all these rigid beliefs that I hold about my anxiety aren't set in stone and the foundations are starting to wobble. I'm now doubting these beliefs. The terrifying things that I tell myself that might happen probably won't. I used to tell myself that I would die if I walked to that shop - That's how I felt. I've been 4 times in the last week and a half and all that's happened is I've felt anxious. My anxiety hasn't even got that bad that I've felt I have to sit in the street (which embarrassingly has happened in the past!).

I'm not anxiety free at the moment which is confusing me. In the past when I've started to do things that scare me I've always noticed that my general anxiety pretty much disappears and I feel completely 'normal' in the house but this isn't happening at the moment. I'm actually more anxious in the house however, in the past I didn't live on my own and I'm starting to think that this is what's causing the anxiety. I also had friends that I could call and have a chat then. Now, I'm not in contact with anyone and a lot of the time I'm feeling bored, lonely and a bit scared if I'm honest. I'm scared that I'll be on my own forever. Anyway, enough of that going to keep this positive! I was a little bit hesitant to blog about my successes. I know that I could allow everything to come crashing down around me and I could let anxiety stop me doing things and I'd be back to square one but for some reason this time feels different. I feel more determined and I can feel my fear dissipating. I am still scared to tempt fate though! 

How I'm going to beat it

Source

I came across this tonight and thought it was a very simple and  in a way, a positive outlook on agoraphobia .. . there's no doom and gloom! I often wish that in the beginning I hadn't looked up so much about about agoraphobia and anxiety & panic, there were so many negative stories about it all that I ended up terrified and began to believe that I couldn't overcome it. Even now trying to find a positive story on agoraphobia is difficult, unless someone is selling a 'cure' - The only person that can cure it, is you! Something that has  took me a long time to accept. I'm not going to magically wake up one day and be 'better', I need to actively do things and I know that I will lose heart when I feel things are getting better fast enough but I just need to push through it and keep going ... accept that there will be good and bad days. I know I can do it. I have before, 5 years ago, after 2 years of agoraphobia I got on a plane and left the country! How I managed it I don't have a clue but I can say that that week away was the most liberating thing I've ever done and I really want to have that feeling again. I just need to get off my backside and face my fear.

Small steps and General worrying

So it's been a good few weeks since I was last out (never thought i'd go back to that again!) to be honest the thought of going out is making me severely anxious and ill again so I've been avoiding it! Wrong thing to do I know but I seem to have lost all my energy to fight it at the moment. I'm hoping it makes an appearance again soon! Anyway yesterday my mum seemed to have had enough of me not doing anything to fight the way the I was feeling so I was made to go a drive in the car. We didn't drive far, it was about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back. I wasn't as anxious as I had anticipated but it was a constant battle with my anxious brain to stop thinking of all the possible terrifying things that could have possibly happened. I did manage it though and I feel more positive - after all it wasn't what I had expected, although it never is!

I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!

Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.

A good day at last!

Today I woke up feeling quite positive, not sure why but I'm definitely not complaining! A good day was long overdue. It feels like I've been living in the huge bubble full of fear, anxiety and just gloom and doom in general for the last few months. So today I'm feeling relieved and really confident that everything will be ok and the bad days will get less and less again. Well here's hoping anyway!

I have been trying to analyse what's caused this increase in anxiety and I can't find anything except I've had problems with money. I hate talking about money and in particular about receiving benefits but I'm really angry and confused about how they work the whole system.
Up until last August I had been receiving incapacity benefit but I failed to attend one of the medicals that you have to go to whilst claiming incapacity benefit. My doctor faxed a letter to the relevant people explaining that due to my condition I couldn't travel to get there. She also made a request for a home visit which was rejected. So I was taken off that benefit - I am currently waiting on an appeal against that decision although who knows how long that will take. So in November I was told to apply for income support by an adviser so that's what I done but then in February I received a letter saying I wasn't entitled to income support and that it was being stopped. So I was then told to apply for for Employment and Support allowance which I did.  However, there's now problems with that too. I received a letter on Saturday saying that they wouldn't pay me that benefit. So today I phoned to see why and they told me that I have to go to the medical before they will pay me any money.

The big problem is that the place where the medical is held is 22 miles from my house and would take roughly 35 mins to get to in a car. Now that is impossible for me to get to. If I could bloody travel I wouldn't be claiming benefits but yet nobody seems to be able to understand this. Not being able to leave my house is my disability! And there's no compromise. I've had numerous faxes, medical lines and requests made for a home visit by my doctor but none of it matters. If I want any help I need to get to the medical. It's so frustrating! I would LOVE to be capable of working even if it was the crappiest job in the world, it would mean I was able to live a 'normal' life but the reality is that at the moment I'm not and I need financial help. At the moment I'm lucky enough to have family to rely on but I feel terrible for it and I'm only borrowing money if i'm desperate i.e. for food and bills. Even though I know i'll never starve or not be able to pay a bill I still find myself worrying. What if nothing gets sorted and I don't get any money... I have a house to keep ... what will I do? etc. Frankly it's stress that I don't need! This has been going on for about 8 months on and off and is the only thing I can think of that's increased my anxiety.

Anyway enough of the rant! I actually was going to write about the benefit situation before but every time I tried to write it I got stressed and anxious but today I'm feeling ok about it. I'm still angry but I will cope and it will get sorted. I'm actually just relieved that my anxiety has been reduced a bit. So to make the most of it I went a run in the car with my Mum and I even went into a shop on my own! Luckily it was quiet so I was only in for a couple of minutes but still I done it and it's something I wouldn't have done this time last week so there's definitely an improvement! I was feeling quite good after that and even took the dog a walk - now I don't walk the dog that far from my house I tend to just walk up and down the street although it is a long street but I do have my restrictions about how far I will go but the distance I walk now is a lot further than when we first got him. I did get a bit panicky whilst on the walk - I met a neighbour who stopped for a chat. I get a bit panicky when having a one-on-one conversation in general so when I'm outdoors my anxiety is magnified. However, I did manage to chat (whilst feeling a bit wobbly with the dog pulling me - great combo!) for at least 10 minutes and then she had to go. I then finished the walk and went home feeling rather good to be honest.

Agoraphobia - 0...Me - 1

Last Friday (Christmas eve) was a huge deal for me, for once I was actually able to be like a 'normal' person!

 I had booked myself into a hairdressers for a haircut and I knew that as the appointment was the day before Christmas it would be really busy, but I kept telling myself that I would cope and if the worst happened then my Mum would be with me - I think I've mentioned previously that my Mum is my 'safe person'. However, the day before the appointment my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to go to the hair appointment with me as she had too many errands to run. So I was faced with the decision to cancel the appointment or go on my own, with my Mum dropping me off and picking me up. It was a tough decision, I wanted to go to the appointment and have my hair done but at the same time I didn't want to go to the appointment on my own and freak out. In the end I decided to keep the appointment. If I was ever going to overcome this I had to face up to my fears and put myself into situations that are difficult.

When I went to bed that night though I wasn't feeling quite as brave as I had been earlier. I lay tossing and turning most of the night worrying about what would happen the next day 'Would I panic and not be able to cope?'...'Would I make an idiot of myself?'...'would people think I'm mad?'...'What If I had one of those dizzy turns? I couldn't cope with that' etc. These were the kind of thoughts I was having and by the time morning came  I was feeling defeated already...I had already gave up. I got ready and went to my parents house to talk it over with my Mum & Dad. I explained how bad I was feeling, at this point the physical symptoms had kicked in...the racing heart...the weak legs...flashes of hot and cold...the light-headedness and the general feeling of utter terror. I can always count on my Mum & Dad to do the rational thinking for me when that part of my brain appears to have deserted me. For every irrational thought I had, they were able to give me a perfectly rational one back. 'Of course I was going to be feeling anxious, I was going to be putting myself into a new situation. This was something that I hadn't done in many years. If I didn't feel like this there would be something wrong with me'. So after my pep talk from them I was feeling more at ease with the challenge that was facing me and I got into the car. I decided to take things a step at a time, If I wasn't comfortable going into the salon when I arrived I wouldn't go in but I had to at least attempt it.

Arriving at the salon and going in and sitting in the waiting room is a bit of a blur to be honest, I think I was running on the adrenaline and trying to get in before I could change my mind.

The salon was really busy and my anxious head was getting the better of me again and I started to think I couldn't do it again. I got out my phone to text my mum. Partly out of distraction and partly so I knew that I could contact her if the worse was to happen. The only problem was that I was so tense that I couldn't move my fingers properly to type which sent me into further panic. Luckily I was called to get my hair washed at this  point, which distracted me slightly.

Then came the general chit chat (which also causes me to panic) 'You going out anywhere nice tonight?' 'ehhh....not really' - there's not really any way to say your agoraphobic without things getting awkward or if there is I haven't discovered it yet. So I usually feel awkward in any social situation because I feel like a complete waste of space. Which people usually assume I am. I don't work, I don't go out, I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I don't do anything...I don't feel I fit in and I definitely feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. And is it just me or are people asking more questions about your private life these days?  Sometimes I feel like I'm under interrogation. Can we not just chat about the weather?

So far I had managed to handle things and being taken over to the chair and getting a head and shoulder massage definitely helped me to relax a little more! Now I just had to get the cut and have it dried then I could leave. I was fine throughout the actual cutting and when I the hair dryer was switched on I felt a wave of relief...It was almost over and I could leave. The relief was short lived though. It felt like out of the blue came a huge wave of panic came over me and suddenly I really didn't think I could cope any more and I didn't know what to do. I could feel tears coming and I was trying my hardest not to cry. I got my phone out again but I didn't know what to do. My fingers were stiff again and I didn't want the stylist to see what I was texting either. I thought about ringing my Mum's phone and not speaking - She'd know what was happening and come and get me. I did manage to get a grip of myself and calm myself down a little. Five minutes later my Mum walked through the door and I was finished.

I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to be leaving somewhere. The important thing for me to remember though is that I did it. It was something that I would have never contemplated doing on my own. I've proved to myself that I can survive doing things on my own. I am an adult I don't need to be looked after, If I panic I will cope and It will pass in the end. Will it be easier next time? No, I don't think It will. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but at least now I have some experience behind me and I know what to expect next time.