I kept up with my daily walk to the shop again tonight (day 3 on my own, day 4 walking to the shop) and I wasn't too anxious before going but I ended up being quite panicky and at one point in the shop felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack. I did just about manage to keep myself from tipping over the edge by trying to talk to myself in a positive, helpful way rather than my anxious, frightening unhelpful way. It seemed to help me cope. The shop again wasn't too busy and I was lucky to be at the start of the queue which made it a lot more manageable! Anxiety on the walk home was about a 7 or 8. Not ideal but the positive thing is I done it! The only thing I can think of that made tonight more anxiety provoking was that I hadn't eaten all day and when I don't eat my blood sugar levels fall quite quickly and it feels like a panic attack but in order to eat something I had to go to the shop as I haven't braved the supermarket in a couple of weeks.
Another thing happened tonight. A family drama happened which saw me having to walk somewhere I haven't walked in about 8 years and a distance I haven't walked since then either. When I mentioned this out loud everyone was shocked. Partly because to most 'normal' people this wouldn't be considered that far, in fact, it would probably be nothing at all but for me it was terrifying. When I was asked to go I briefly hesitated and the 'what ifs...' started in my head but I quickly brushed them away. A huge part of me was curious if I could manage it. I think I wanted to go, I wanted to test myself. I'm not going to lie though and say it was easy because it wasn't. I did manage to get there and back to my house but my anxiety and panic levels were high the whole time. All I could think is 'what if this happens? ... what if that happens?' It was never ending. I also got a nice shock at how unfit I actually am. For my age and the distance I walk I'm a little disgusted and ashamed at how out of breath I was and how bad the stitch in my side was. Appalling!
Overall, I'm glad that I done. It wasn't pleasant and it certainly wasn't easy but I've proved to myself that I can do it. The more I do things the more I realise that the only thing that is holding me back from going where I want and doing what I want is the way that I'm thinking about these situations and the fact that I'm not making myself go out and challenge things. I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up and the anxiety, panic & agoraphobia are magically gone, and I have to realise that that is never going to happen. I have to work hard to get myself better; to be able to go out and not panic; to live day to day and not feel anxious about life. The more I challenge things, the more I realise IT IS ALL ANXIETY. There's no underlying health condition, there's no mental disorder. It's me that's holding myself back. It's me that's causing the anxiety and panic. It's me that's not doing enough to get better and ultimately It's me and only me who can get me better. I hope the way I'm feeling tonight lasts because it's given me the kick up the ass I've needed for a long time and I can feel a little bit of that fight and determination I used to have coming back. I could wake up in the morning and it could be gone again but again that would be up to me to decide if I want to fight or just give up again. I have to stop waiting for other people to make me better or to make me happy. If I can't do it myself, how on earth can I expect other people to do it?
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