My thoughts are driving me mad!

For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.

I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.

My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's  not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.

This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.

Hope you are all well!

L x

Free CBT online Course - Panic Center

I recently had a chat with my doctor about treatment for panic and agoraphobia etc, and he suggested looking at some online courses  which can help just now while my anxiety is as bad and because there's a huge waiting list for any kind of treatment. The one that was suggested was living life to the full which I had completed a few years ago. So anyway I decided to have a look about online and see what else was available and I came across the Panic Center which I like the look of. I haven't had a proper look about but I have signed up and completed the questionnaire - I really hate doing those! - I was quite surprised by the results.  


The results show that I show symptoms of the following:

So basically I show symptoms in all areas! Not sure if that makes me feel worse or not! So after receiving your results back - which are more detailed that that - you are taken to your customized programme to begin.  You must read Session 1: Understanding Panic but after that you can chose which sections you want to read. 

Here's what my programme looks like: 

When I'm anxious I have to say my ability to read isn't all that great but I'm going to persevere. I need my anxiety to significantly reduce, I'm really not coping at all and I do want to start the medication but I constantly think I'm going to die for no reason whatsoever and I know that if I take the medication while I'm this bad I will make myself stop taking it. I just want to be able to get through the day without this constant fear!