My posts are getting further and further apart...

I've not had anything to write lately mainly because nothing much has been happening and also because I've not been in the mood to communicate with anyone. My anxiety has died down considerably and I'm at that stage where I'm constantly thinking 'How did I let it get that bad again?'. I always swore that I would never go back to that place I was in years ago and I genuinely believed I wouldn't but for whatever reason something happened towards the end of Feb/beginning of March and sucked me straight back into that overwhelming anxiety and I had forgot how to deal with it. I don't actually even know how I got myself back out of it but I am and that's the main thing.

I'm about to contradict myself here... I'm incredibly lonely just now but at the same time I can't be bothered talking to anyone or interacting with them, at all. Not that I have many people that I can talk to anyway. I seem to be feeling a 'blah' and a stuck. I don't know what to do with my life. It feels like every direction or decision I take/make is wrong and I end up paying the consequence for it, mainly through my anxiety. All my enjoyment of things seems to have vanished. I rarely listen to music anymore, I hardly read and It's a huge effort to get myself dressed - mainly cause I don't see the point. I'm not going out and I hardly see anyone. Doing nothing every day is getting me down too. I have no structure and nothing to focus on. All my days blur into one. It feels like I sit about all day waiting to go to bed. I hate bedtime because that's when I get anxious. 'Will I get to sleep?'...'what if I don't sleep'...'I'm sure my heart is beating too fast'....'I'm going to die'...'I'm scared' - These are the general thoughts I now get at bedtime and this viscous circle goes on for hours and I wonder why I can't sleep. 


Bizarrely the last 3 nights I have dreamt that I was pregnant, which I'm definitely not! So I looked it up online. Apparently to dream you are pregnant 'symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal' - Is it just me or does anyone else relate everything that they see or read to their anxiety? I have no idea what it can mean but I definitely hope that one area of my life 'grows and develops' I'm not even fussy about which area it may be!


 I'm still only young but I feel so old. I feel like I'm never going to get my life back. How do you rebuild your life after anxiety and agoraphobia? I've not been out in the big bad world on my own in 6 years. I've always had protection and someone there to help me feel safe. How do you make friends? How do you get a job? ... I've not got any work experience and I have no qualifications except 8 GCSE's/standard grades which effectively count for nothing. My dream was to go to uni and anxiety came at a crucial point in my education and  uni wasn't an option anymore. Everyone tells me I can still go but it's not the same as I planned and It's more complicated now. I have my own house and part of my rent is paid for me because I live on benefits so going to uni isn't an option because I wouldn't know how I would cope, I would have to give up my benefits and would have to rely financially on myself. A part time job wouldn't be enough to support myself and pay my rent and getting a full time job with no qualifications still isn't enough to support me and pay my rent! How does that work out? Last year someone working for the Job Centre Plus actually told me my only option was to have a baby! I know I'm not ready to work or be in education full time but these are the worries I have. I feel that the only was I can overcome this now is to force myself to go into the big bad world and work. What I've been doing all this time hasn't been working and I'm running out of options and it feels like I'm running out of time too. 

Fear and stomach problems?

The last couple of days have been horrible! The night I wrote the post about picking up my prescription I didn't get a wink of sleep. I went to bed after writing the post and my anxiety was off the scale. Being on my own really wasn't helping, I keep thinking 'What if something happens to me? There's nobody here to help me.' obviously if something awful really was happening I could phone someone but I would probably feel guilty for phoning someone in the middle of the night, dying or not!

By the time morning came it was really getting unbearable, I just really wanted to get some sleep and to not have to think. But I couldn't shut my thoughts off for 2 seconds let alone enough time to fall asleep. I spent the whole day in my bed. I felt stuck and really dizzy. The thought of getting up made me feel worse and I envisioned everything to spin and for it all to be out of control. Eventually at 8 that night my Mum came to see me and saw the state I was in and I ended up managing to go to hers and stay.  That must have calmed me because by 10 I was out cold!

Another symptom I've been having, which is new, is really bad stomach problems. Around about before Christmas I was suffering on and off with bouts of nausea. Which at times were quite bad and then in January I noticed that every time I eat it felt like my food was just sitting in my stomach and not digesting. I wasn't really worried about this at all but the last few days it's been awful. I suffered from heartburn for 2 days solid and my stomach has been in agony. The heartburn has gone now thankfully! but my stomach still feels a bit iffy. I'm not really sure what's happening, it's getting to the stage that I'm starting to get a bit anxious about eating because I don't want to trigger the heartburn or have that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I'm also wondering if it's related to my anxiety that i'm having just now but i'm also wondering if this could be a catalyst to the anxiety i'm having? I don't know, my head feels a mess too right now!

Just now I'm still at my Mum's. I went home for a little while earlier today and my anxiety was quite bad, I kept thinking 'The last time I was here I was really anxious, What if it happens again?' So I need to get a grip on that. I can't be scared to stay in my own house!

The fear I've been experiencing is unbelievable. I keep thinking I'm going to die and I don't feel safe anywhere. I don't want people to be near me but I don't want to be alone. I keep envisioning myself getting really dizzy and ambulances coming and me being rushed to hospital. Then I tell myself it's ok, it's just anxiety - it'll pass. Then I start to worry '...but what if it's not anxiety? What if it's something real this time?' and it just keeps going round in circles! I'm constantly putting myself through hell and I do worry the effect it's having on me psychically and mentally. I just can't remember how I break the circle!