Panic attack thought record

Came across one of these from my psychology sessions last year and it's a classic example of how bad my health anxiety really is.

Situation


Keep getting a clear liquid pouring out of my nose. It feels like a nosebleed. I googled it and results showed I had a brain leak which could lead to serious problems. I am alone in the house.

Physical Symptoms

• Clear stuff pouring out of nose
• feeling hot & cold alternately 
• nauseous
• weak
• headache
• can't stand
• breathing out of control
• dizzy
• tension all over body

Emotions

Fear  - 100%

Panic - 100%

Unhelpful thoughts or images

• I'm dying 
• I need to go to hospital/see a doctor
• There's no one here to help me
• I don't want to die on my own
• My Mum and I had an argument and she won't answer the phone to me - there's no one else I can call

Response to thought

• There are a number of conditions that could cause symptoms such as this - google always shows the worst.
• If I really needed help I could call NHS 24 or an ambulance

Outcome

• I'm going to make an appointment to go and have it checked 
• I'm not going to google
• Try to focus on my response to thought answers and not focus so much on the unhelpful thoughts or images
• Fear - 75%
• Panic 55%

I did go to the doctor about this after it happened a few more times and I was diagnosed with chronic sinus infection & a post nasal drip. I haven't had much bother with either since starting a nasal spray. Just shows though how something that would be trivial to majority of the population can get me into such a state.

October 2008

Tonight I was clearing out cupboards and I came across a notepad which has coursework from an Open University course I was studying in October 2008. I was just having a look through it and noticed that I had wrote a page about experiencing a panic attack and I thought it was  interesting cause at this point I was having a good phase anxiety wise and in my mind now I always think that during a good phase I don't have panic attacks. Clearly I'm wrong.

"Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time, which I should be thankful for cause some people actually experience this level of anxiety all the time, I honestly couldn't cope with that again! I genuinely thought I was dying. I was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to go and wake my Mum or Dad up or if it really was just a panic attack. I'm scared that if I just ignore the feelings and there is something genuinely wrong with me, I'll die and I don't want to die but at the same time I didn't want to wake my mum or dad up just cause I was having a panic attack. I'm 21 years old now, I should be more independent. 


It's all so confusing. I really don't understand agoraphobia or panic disorder at all! I mean I know what the symptoms, what the common thoughts are and most importantly I know before I enter any anxiety provoking situation, exactly how I'm going to feel. So why the hell does it still scare the shit out of me? Why can't I accept it for what it is? Why do I still hide away inside whenever possible? I should be able to accept the sensations and accept that nothing will happen. It's so frustrating, I have times when I think 'I'm going out and I'll just put up with the feelings even if I really do feel like I'm dying' but then I get scared and don't do it." 


My thoughts and feelings now are pretty much the same as they were then except now I'm anxious all the time, having lots of panic attacks and constantly think I'm dying. Back then I was only anxious about going out. I don't understand what caused my anxiety to get worse. I'm still as confused now as I was then.

Follow me on twitter?

I decided to set up a twitter account for my blog where, if you like, you can follow me and get updates on how things are going with my anxiety, how I'm coping with it, tweets when I'm out etc. It's probably easier to send out regular tweets about what I'm up to rather than keep writing long blogposts cause quite frankly when you're anxious you hardly have the concentration to read them, well I don't anyway.

If you would like to follow me, you can do so here. L x

The brief moments where I feel 'normal'

I had one tonight. They never last long, usually just a couple of minutes. They really are great though. When it happened earlier on I was joking with my sister and I actually genuinely laughed and for a brief moment I felt like the old me. When I notice it has happened I feel positive. During these moments anxiety, panic, agoraphobia an the state of my health aren't consuming my thoughts. It proves to me that I feel the way I do because of anxiety and I start to believe I can beat it! Right now I feel the most comfortable just living and being me, than I have done in a long while. Here's hoping it lasts!

An example of how bad my anxiety is

I've not been sleeping well again - This time rather than not being able to get to sleep at all. I've been falling asleep and waking up 4/4 and half hours later and not being able to get back to sleep. It's taking its toll now and I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5am and I feel I have no energy and I don't want to do anything at all. 

A little while ago I was starting to feel anxious due to being so tired so I got my make up out and decided that I would play about with that as a way to distract myself (currently trying to find new hobbies as none of my distraction techniques are working!). Playing about with the make up was actually quite a good distraction from the anxiety I was experiencing. However, I started to notice my throat was sore and I started coughing quite badly. A lot of phlegm came up and I went to the bathroom to spit it out. When I looked in the sink I spotted what I thought was blood. Instantly I went into to panic mode and had a full blown panic attack. In my head I thought 'I really do have cancer and now it's spread', 'am I going to die?', 'omg, I'm on my own. Nobody is here to help me'. It took me 15 minutes to realise that it was actually the red lipstick I had put on earlier. So I caused myself to panic for no reason at all. I'm obviously constantly looking out for 'danger' and the smallest thing is setting the panic off. That was half an hour ago and I'm still shaking and feel even more exhausted because I had a panic attack. I'm so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just try and think of a rational explanation for things before I go into panic mode? Although it doesn't feel like I get much time to think, my body just seems to react. As soon as I saw the red I felt all the blood drain out of my body. I'm so tired of being like this. 

Free CBT online Course - Panic Center

I recently had a chat with my doctor about treatment for panic and agoraphobia etc, and he suggested looking at some online courses  which can help just now while my anxiety is as bad and because there's a huge waiting list for any kind of treatment. The one that was suggested was living life to the full which I had completed a few years ago. So anyway I decided to have a look about online and see what else was available and I came across the Panic Center which I like the look of. I haven't had a proper look about but I have signed up and completed the questionnaire - I really hate doing those! - I was quite surprised by the results.  


The results show that I show symptoms of the following:

So basically I show symptoms in all areas! Not sure if that makes me feel worse or not! So after receiving your results back - which are more detailed that that - you are taken to your customized programme to begin.  You must read Session 1: Understanding Panic but after that you can chose which sections you want to read. 

Here's what my programme looks like: 

When I'm anxious I have to say my ability to read isn't all that great but I'm going to persevere. I need my anxiety to significantly reduce, I'm really not coping at all and I do want to start the medication but I constantly think I'm going to die for no reason whatsoever and I know that if I take the medication while I'm this bad I will make myself stop taking it. I just want to be able to get through the day without this constant fear! 

How Did I Let Myself Get Like This Again?

I'm lying in bed and I can feel like a huge ball of nervous energy in my stomach, I can feel it moving up through my arms and down through my legs. It's horrible. My heart is racing, my jaw clenched tight and I'm all tensed up.I can't lie still, I feel the need to move about. I'm also feeling slightly nauseas. I just wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep but I can't switch my brain off. I feel weak. It feels like it's going to keep getting worse until it gets out of control. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. I'm not used to feeling like this anymore. I do still get anxious but not like this. I don't know how to cope with this anymore, I'm trying to listen to relaxation but i'm too anxious. It's not working. This is the second night in a row I've felt like this.  I really do empathize with anyone who feels like this all the time. I forgot how horrendous it is and I feel lonelier than ever right now.

I'm scared, I don't want to go back to this. This would be a huge set back to go back to this all the time.

Anxiety Winning!

I was supposed to to start the anti-depressants on Monday but today is Friday and I still haven't even lifted the prescription. I know that as soon as I lift the prescription I'm going to be forced into taking them and I'm terrified! So I've avoided (I'm great at that!) going for the prescription.

I'm still really anxious and going out is becoming a problem, when I do go out just now it often results in a panic attack. I'm not sleeping well either and I'm awake most of the night and getting very little sleep. Lack of sleep isn't helping either. If I don't get enough sleep I get very anxious and find it difficult to even get out of bed, so I often spend the whole day in my bedroom waiting to go to bed.

I have a driving lesson in an hour too. I booked these lessons weeks ago when I was much less anxious and I wish I hadn't bothered. I feel I have to make myself go but then I have a panic attack on the lesson and can't concentrate so I feel like I'm throwing money, which I don't have, down the drain! I've only had 4hrs sleep at the thought of this lesson today and I wish I could cancel!

Agoraphobia - 0...Me - 1

Last Friday (Christmas eve) was a huge deal for me, for once I was actually able to be like a 'normal' person!

 I had booked myself into a hairdressers for a haircut and I knew that as the appointment was the day before Christmas it would be really busy, but I kept telling myself that I would cope and if the worst happened then my Mum would be with me - I think I've mentioned previously that my Mum is my 'safe person'. However, the day before the appointment my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to go to the hair appointment with me as she had too many errands to run. So I was faced with the decision to cancel the appointment or go on my own, with my Mum dropping me off and picking me up. It was a tough decision, I wanted to go to the appointment and have my hair done but at the same time I didn't want to go to the appointment on my own and freak out. In the end I decided to keep the appointment. If I was ever going to overcome this I had to face up to my fears and put myself into situations that are difficult.

When I went to bed that night though I wasn't feeling quite as brave as I had been earlier. I lay tossing and turning most of the night worrying about what would happen the next day 'Would I panic and not be able to cope?'...'Would I make an idiot of myself?'...'would people think I'm mad?'...'What If I had one of those dizzy turns? I couldn't cope with that' etc. These were the kind of thoughts I was having and by the time morning came  I was feeling defeated already...I had already gave up. I got ready and went to my parents house to talk it over with my Mum & Dad. I explained how bad I was feeling, at this point the physical symptoms had kicked in...the racing heart...the weak legs...flashes of hot and cold...the light-headedness and the general feeling of utter terror. I can always count on my Mum & Dad to do the rational thinking for me when that part of my brain appears to have deserted me. For every irrational thought I had, they were able to give me a perfectly rational one back. 'Of course I was going to be feeling anxious, I was going to be putting myself into a new situation. This was something that I hadn't done in many years. If I didn't feel like this there would be something wrong with me'. So after my pep talk from them I was feeling more at ease with the challenge that was facing me and I got into the car. I decided to take things a step at a time, If I wasn't comfortable going into the salon when I arrived I wouldn't go in but I had to at least attempt it.

Arriving at the salon and going in and sitting in the waiting room is a bit of a blur to be honest, I think I was running on the adrenaline and trying to get in before I could change my mind.

The salon was really busy and my anxious head was getting the better of me again and I started to think I couldn't do it again. I got out my phone to text my mum. Partly out of distraction and partly so I knew that I could contact her if the worse was to happen. The only problem was that I was so tense that I couldn't move my fingers properly to type which sent me into further panic. Luckily I was called to get my hair washed at this  point, which distracted me slightly.

Then came the general chit chat (which also causes me to panic) 'You going out anywhere nice tonight?' 'ehhh....not really' - there's not really any way to say your agoraphobic without things getting awkward or if there is I haven't discovered it yet. So I usually feel awkward in any social situation because I feel like a complete waste of space. Which people usually assume I am. I don't work, I don't go out, I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I don't do anything...I don't feel I fit in and I definitely feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. And is it just me or are people asking more questions about your private life these days?  Sometimes I feel like I'm under interrogation. Can we not just chat about the weather?

So far I had managed to handle things and being taken over to the chair and getting a head and shoulder massage definitely helped me to relax a little more! Now I just had to get the cut and have it dried then I could leave. I was fine throughout the actual cutting and when I the hair dryer was switched on I felt a wave of relief...It was almost over and I could leave. The relief was short lived though. It felt like out of the blue came a huge wave of panic came over me and suddenly I really didn't think I could cope any more and I didn't know what to do. I could feel tears coming and I was trying my hardest not to cry. I got my phone out again but I didn't know what to do. My fingers were stiff again and I didn't want the stylist to see what I was texting either. I thought about ringing my Mum's phone and not speaking - She'd know what was happening and come and get me. I did manage to get a grip of myself and calm myself down a little. Five minutes later my Mum walked through the door and I was finished.

I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to be leaving somewhere. The important thing for me to remember though is that I did it. It was something that I would have never contemplated doing on my own. I've proved to myself that I can survive doing things on my own. I am an adult I don't need to be looked after, If I panic I will cope and It will pass in the end. Will it be easier next time? No, I don't think It will. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but at least now I have some experience behind me and I know what to expect next time.