My health anxiety, in general, is still pretty high but I had lost my fear of having a heart problem. Well I hadn't lost the fear completely... more that it wasn't consuming me all the time. I was still attempting to get on the exercise bike, I'd still walk places and not be as panicked that I would collapse and die. The last couple of days though, I've noticed the fear coming back, I haven't gone anywhere near the exercise bike, mopping the floor yesterday almost brought on a full blown panic attack because my heart was racing and for the last couple of days I've been checking my resting heart rate regularly - something I haven't done in months. I've always had a fast heart rate, even before I was diagnosed with anxiety my doctor sent me for an ECG to make sure there wasn't anything wrong. The ECG was normal and I had another one about 2 years ago and again that was normal. I always worry that I have some kind of heart problem that the ECG missed but my doctor seems to think that my fast heart rate and palpitations are down to anxiety. I don't know how reliable ECG's are or what they can detect but I always worry they're not picking something up.
It always worries me that something serious will go unnoticed since my doctor seems to put everything down to anxiety. I wouldn't mind so much if I was constantly going to get things checked out or always going to A&E, but I don't. I know that I suffer health anxiety and anxiety in general so I only go when I have 'real' symptoms or if something has been worrying me for a long time.
I really hope my heart fear simmers back down as it always stops my progress. I eventually get too terrified to go out in case I collapse and die. Coping with it on my own is going to be quite difficult since I'm not having therapy at the moment. I'm actually quite pissed off with that too. I haven't received a letter confirming if I went back on the waiting list or how long the waiting list is. I've heard absolutely nothing which is quite shocking as I'm supposed to be a priority case. I don't even know who I contact to ask if I was put on a waiting list since it wasn't through my doctor. I really wish I had the money to pay to go private, I'm seriously losing all faith in the NHS, they seem to think it's a case of one size fits all. When you don't react in the way you're expected to, you're not trying hard enough and wasting their time. Surely if they had a true understanding of psychological problems they would understand just how hard to even get up, get dressed & actually attend the appointment is. Out of 5 psychologists I've attended, I've only had one who truly understood what I was going through and he helped me immensely. I went from not being able to leave my room to being able to go shopping within 6 weeks. A year after that I went on holiday abroad. I then lived another year virtually panic free. So I know that the right therapist can help you to manage your anxiety but it seems getting the right therapist is a challenge in itself.
Showing posts with label Therapies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapies. Show all posts
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Paul McKenna agoraphobia download
I mentioned months ago that I was going to try and upload the Paul McKenna agoraphobia hypnosis and I completely forgot about it. I had a look yesterday for a free file hosting website and hopefully this will work!
If you click here; this should take you to the site.
I'm not sure if you can download from this site or you have to listen to it online... If anyone who tries it could me know, that would be great.
If you would rather buy it for yourself, you can also do so here.
I really am a huge fan of Paul McKenna and own almost all of his books. They do help and I usually notice a difference after listening to the downloads but at the moment I'm having a problem with relaxing long enough to complete them but with some perseverance I'll get there again eventually.
Enjoy!
L x
If you click here; this should take you to the site.
I'm not sure if you can download from this site or you have to listen to it online... If anyone who tries it could me know, that would be great.
If you would rather buy it for yourself, you can also do so here.
I really am a huge fan of Paul McKenna and own almost all of his books. They do help and I usually notice a difference after listening to the downloads but at the moment I'm having a problem with relaxing long enough to complete them but with some perseverance I'll get there again eventually.
Enjoy!
L x
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
My thoughts are driving me mad!
For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.
I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.
My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.
This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.
Hope you are all well!
L x
I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.
My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.
This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.
Hope you are all well!
L x
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Small steps and General worrying
So it's been a good few weeks since I was last out (never thought i'd go back to that again!) to be honest the thought of going out is making me severely anxious and ill again so I've been avoiding it! Wrong thing to do I know but I seem to have lost all my energy to fight it at the moment. I'm hoping it makes an appearance again soon! Anyway yesterday my mum seemed to have had enough of me not doing anything to fight the way the I was feeling so I was made to go a drive in the car. We didn't drive far, it was about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back. I wasn't as anxious as I had anticipated but it was a constant battle with my anxious brain to stop thinking of all the possible terrifying things that could have possibly happened. I did manage it though and I feel more positive - after all it wasn't what I had expected, although it never is!
I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!
Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.
I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!
Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.
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