My health anxiety, in general, is still pretty high but I had lost my fear of having a heart problem. Well I hadn't lost the fear completely... more that it wasn't consuming me all the time. I was still attempting to get on the exercise bike, I'd still walk places and not be as panicked that I would collapse and die. The last couple of days though, I've noticed the fear coming back, I haven't gone anywhere near the exercise bike, mopping the floor yesterday almost brought on a full blown panic attack because my heart was racing and for the last couple of days I've been checking my resting heart rate regularly - something I haven't done in months. I've always had a fast heart rate, even before I was diagnosed with anxiety my doctor sent me for an ECG to make sure there wasn't anything wrong. The ECG was normal and I had another one about 2 years ago and again that was normal. I always worry that I have some kind of heart problem that the ECG missed but my doctor seems to think that my fast heart rate and palpitations are down to anxiety. I don't know how reliable ECG's are or what they can detect but I always worry they're not picking something up.
It always worries me that something serious will go unnoticed since my doctor seems to put everything down to anxiety. I wouldn't mind so much if I was constantly going to get things checked out or always going to A&E, but I don't. I know that I suffer health anxiety and anxiety in general so I only go when I have 'real' symptoms or if something has been worrying me for a long time.
I really hope my heart fear simmers back down as it always stops my progress. I eventually get too terrified to go out in case I collapse and die. Coping with it on my own is going to be quite difficult since I'm not having therapy at the moment. I'm actually quite pissed off with that too. I haven't received a letter confirming if I went back on the waiting list or how long the waiting list is. I've heard absolutely nothing which is quite shocking as I'm supposed to be a priority case. I don't even know who I contact to ask if I was put on a waiting list since it wasn't through my doctor. I really wish I had the money to pay to go private, I'm seriously losing all faith in the NHS, they seem to think it's a case of one size fits all. When you don't react in the way you're expected to, you're not trying hard enough and wasting their time. Surely if they had a true understanding of psychological problems they would understand just how hard to even get up, get dressed & actually attend the appointment is. Out of 5 psychologists I've attended, I've only had one who truly understood what I was going through and he helped me immensely. I went from not being able to leave my room to being able to go shopping within 6 weeks. A year after that I went on holiday abroad. I then lived another year virtually panic free. So I know that the right therapist can help you to manage your anxiety but it seems getting the right therapist is a challenge in itself.
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