Tonight I was clearing out cupboards and I came across a notepad which has coursework from an Open University course I was studying in October 2008. I was just having a look through it and noticed that I had wrote a page about experiencing a panic attack and I thought it was interesting cause at this point I was having a good phase anxiety wise and in my mind now I always think that during a good phase I don't have panic attacks. Clearly I'm wrong.
"Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time, which I should be thankful for cause some people actually experience this level of anxiety all the time, I honestly couldn't cope with that again! I genuinely thought I was dying. I was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to go and wake my Mum or Dad up or if it really was just a panic attack. I'm scared that if I just ignore the feelings and there is something genuinely wrong with me, I'll die and I don't want to die but at the same time I didn't want to wake my mum or dad up just cause I was having a panic attack. I'm 21 years old now, I should be more independent.
It's all so confusing. I really don't understand agoraphobia or panic disorder at all! I mean I know what the symptoms, what the common thoughts are and most importantly I know before I enter any anxiety provoking situation, exactly how I'm going to feel. So why the hell does it still scare the shit out of me? Why can't I accept it for what it is? Why do I still hide away inside whenever possible? I should be able to accept the sensations and accept that nothing will happen. It's so frustrating, I have times when I think 'I'm going out and I'll just put up with the feelings even if I really do feel like I'm dying' but then I get scared and don't do it."
My thoughts and feelings now are pretty much the same as they were then except now I'm anxious all the time, having lots of panic attacks and constantly think I'm dying. Back then I was only anxious about going out. I don't understand what caused my anxiety to get worse. I'm still as confused now as I was then.
Hey, you are being so hard on yourself. "Should be able to accept the sensations.."? Well who would just accept feeling as if they are dying? It sounds awful. I've had thousands of panic attacks and I still am frightened of the next one. You never get used to having these horrible symptoms but I suppose if you understand what they are it takes some of the fear out of them.
ReplyDeleteYou understood that you weren't dying because if you really believed it do you think you'd have thought twice about waking your parents in case it was a panic attack? If you need to talk to them when you feel like that I'm sure they'd rather you woke them and told them than you suffering alone in the next room.
Please be gentle on yourself and try not to think that you must cope alone and be more independent. Who said 21 was the age when you suddenly can deal with everything? I'm 38 and still need learning :)
((hugs))
Thanks for your comment :)
ReplyDeleteI do know that I am quite hard on myself. I can't help but compare myself to everyone else who seems 'normal' instead of just accepting who I am. I guess that it's just frustrating that I'm not as independent as I used to be, or how I'd imagined I'd be at 24. Like you say though there isn't an age where you suddenly become able to deal with everything at once, I guess that's what life is.
The problem with my Mum & Dad is that they're now at their wits end with me and I guess they don't understand or know what to do. The general response I get now when I panic or talk about my anxiety is basically that I'm not doing anything to help myself or that I need to get a grip. Which I do understand what they mean but I wish I could just make everyone understand how hard it actually is for someone with anxiety to just survive the day without any or the other problems that life throws at you.
L x