Struggling

For the last 2 weeks everything seems to have went downhill and I don't know why. Not knowing why is probably the most frustrating part, if I don't know what's caused it, how the hell am I supposed to fix it?! My anxiety has been really out of control and I have been feeling awful. I've been having a lot of dizzy spells - which I'm thinking could be related to tension? I'm not sure. My 'anxious brain' is telling me something more sinister but I'm trying to shut those thoughts out, life is hard enough without that!

My sleeping pattern is also out of control. I'm up all night and sleeping all day. It's dark when I go to bed and still dark when I get up! - so that's also making me feel like crap (thinking I may need a sad lamp) and to top it off the UK has been pretty much brought to a standstill with the winter weather we've been having. I was unable to get out the house for a week because it was that bad! When I did manage, I went to the supermarket, as I needed food, but I had to leave after 10 minutes as I had a panic attack. I was really disappointed as I haven't actually had a proper full-blown panic attack in public for about 7 months. I've been anxious and had the wobbly legs etc but never got to the point where I couldn't cope and leave. So this has left me disheartened. I refuse to give up though. There's no way I succumb to another setback, I refuse to do it.

The next night I went with my Mum to get paint and to go to a few other shops, again, I had a panic attack. This time I didn't leave but it was a struggle to force myself to stay. My legs were like jelly and my heart was racing. All I could think was that I was going to collapse; eventually it got so bad that I had to sit on the floor and pretend to be looking at wallpaper. Then the dizziness started and I thought I was going to be stuck there and that even if I wanted to leave I couldn't. Needless to say by the time I went to the next shop my anxiety was off the scale and I just wanted to get home. This was made worse by the fact that it was -8c outside and we practically ice skated to the next shop - not great when your feeling dizzy and off balance! My Mum actually had a dizzy turn and we had to leave. It's amazing how quickly my anxiety reduced when I became concerned about my Mum. Instead of thinking about me collapsing or fainting I thought about my Mum and also (selfishly) what would I do if she collapsed? Fortunately she didn't!

I did have a positive experience yesterday though. I needed to go shopping for food (again), this time though my Mum refused to take me to the supermarket I usually go to as she doesn't buy anything from that supermarket. The selection is rubbish but it's usually empty and I feel quite comfortable when shopping there. So the only one she was going to was the the one which is always busy; that I've had more panic attacks than I can remember in and the one I always meet people I know that to be honest I don't want to meet. Nobody except a few close people know anything about my anxiety or agoraphobia. I don't like people knowing about it. In the beginning I tried to explain it but nobody understood and I was called 'lazy', 'weird' an 'attention seeker'...all the usual crap. So I'm a closeted agoraphobic! When I meet people I know I panic when they ask me what I'm up to now. I have no idea what to say, I have nothing going on in my life at all! So for this reason I hate meeting people.
Anyway, If it hadn't been necessary for me to go and get some shopping I wouldn't have went but I needed to go and, I did. I started off feeling really anxious but the longer I spent inside the store the more my anxiety reduced which I didn't expect to happen. I even made it through the checkout without the usual dizziness and shaky legs.

Yesterdays events have lifted my mood considerably but I'm anxious about the effect winter is going to have on me and how it will affect my anxiety. I don't seem to get the same opportunity to get out in winter and to be honest I don't want to go out anyway. I'm never able to enjoy Christmas any more cause my anxiety is usually too bad and I feel i'm making everyone else miserable because I don't want to be around anyone. I feel sorry for myself. I get jealous of all the party photos the are put up on facebook over the festive period. Winter just seems to be a really negative time for me and every year I'm determined to fight it and stay positive but when It comes to it I can't cope and I don't know what to do.