How I'm going to beat it

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I came across this tonight and thought it was a very simple and  in a way, a positive outlook on agoraphobia .. . there's no doom and gloom! I often wish that in the beginning I hadn't looked up so much about about agoraphobia and anxiety & panic, there were so many negative stories about it all that I ended up terrified and began to believe that I couldn't overcome it. Even now trying to find a positive story on agoraphobia is difficult, unless someone is selling a 'cure' - The only person that can cure it, is you! Something that has  took me a long time to accept. I'm not going to magically wake up one day and be 'better', I need to actively do things and I know that I will lose heart when I feel things are getting better fast enough but I just need to push through it and keep going ... accept that there will be good and bad days. I know I can do it. I have before, 5 years ago, after 2 years of agoraphobia I got on a plane and left the country! How I managed it I don't have a clue but I can say that that week away was the most liberating thing I've ever done and I really want to have that feeling again. I just need to get off my backside and face my fear.

I will beat this!

I've been feeling a bit ... flat? lately - that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I've been down and I've been allowing myself to sink more and more into my anxiety. I probably only realised last night just how bad I've let myself become again. I would say I'm disappointed in myself but in all honesty that's not helpful. I'm making a pact with myself tonight that I'm going to try my hardest to get myself back out of the dark hole I've been hiding in for the last 9 months. I'm not allowed to beat myself up for the way my life has turned out, it happened all I can do now is learn from it and move on. I'm not allowed to hate myself for being anxious and for not being 'normal'. Who actually is normal anyway?

I'm still very, very anxious but I feel more positive today and I feel a fresh determination that I can get my life back on track. It might take a while but I'll get there.

My thoughts are driving me mad!

For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.

I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.

My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's  not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.

This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.

Hope you are all well!

L x

Still Here

Things have been a little chaotic lately and blogging has been far from my mind. I've also been on a bit of an internet ban as I was relying a bit too much on Dr Google and my health anxiety was taking over my every thought, so I avoided the internet! Which I thought would be easy since avoidance is my forte, but apparently not! It's amazing how much I rely on the internet for everything. It's a bit of a blessing and a curse!

Anyway, I've been seeing the psychologist now for a couple of months and I have noticed a slight improvement in my anxiety, which is good but I haven't had an appointment in about 2 weeks now and don't have another till next week and I can feel the anxiety begin to creep up. Tonight I've been really anxious and cancer thoughts have been playing on my mind so I haven't slept yet! So obviously the appointments are helping. My 'homework' I get is a bit difficult as I'm not used to routine but I'll blog about that in a separate post.

I also went and got the blood tests done eventually!! They came back normal but for the first time ever I don't feel any relief. Instead I feel that they've missed something or that I have cancer and it can't be detected. I don't really know what blood tests show. I really was ill going to get blood taken but I done it and I survived!

I still haven't taken any of the medication I was prescribed - The psychologist is planning on working on this issue with me to see if I would benefit from the meds. He seems to think the diazepam would be beneficial but in all honesty I'm scared of any medication. Even if I'm in pain I suffer it.

I do plan on doing a proper post but thought I'd just do a little update just now. Hope you are all well! x

The brief moments where I feel 'normal'

I had one tonight. They never last long, usually just a couple of minutes. They really are great though. When it happened earlier on I was joking with my sister and I actually genuinely laughed and for a brief moment I felt like the old me. When I notice it has happened I feel positive. During these moments anxiety, panic, agoraphobia an the state of my health aren't consuming my thoughts. It proves to me that I feel the way I do because of anxiety and I start to believe I can beat it! Right now I feel the most comfortable just living and being me, than I have done in a long while. Here's hoping it lasts!

Apologies...

For the negative tone at the moment. It was never my intention for this blog but unfortunately just after I started it things started going wrong and anxiety started creeping back. I hope things start to get more positive soon and that nobody is getting sick of my moaning yet!

Also the posts probably lose direction a lot. I usually struggle when I start to write a post. I know what I want to say but struggle to articulate it but I'm sure I'll get there. I don't read back over what I've wrote until after I publish it so everything I write I exactly how and what I'm thinking and feeling. Basically you could say that my blog posts represent my brain lol, It's a bit messy in there! Quite confusing, makes no sense half the time and jumps from one thought to another!!

My posts are getting further and further apart...

I've not had anything to write lately mainly because nothing much has been happening and also because I've not been in the mood to communicate with anyone. My anxiety has died down considerably and I'm at that stage where I'm constantly thinking 'How did I let it get that bad again?'. I always swore that I would never go back to that place I was in years ago and I genuinely believed I wouldn't but for whatever reason something happened towards the end of Feb/beginning of March and sucked me straight back into that overwhelming anxiety and I had forgot how to deal with it. I don't actually even know how I got myself back out of it but I am and that's the main thing.

I'm about to contradict myself here... I'm incredibly lonely just now but at the same time I can't be bothered talking to anyone or interacting with them, at all. Not that I have many people that I can talk to anyway. I seem to be feeling a 'blah' and a stuck. I don't know what to do with my life. It feels like every direction or decision I take/make is wrong and I end up paying the consequence for it, mainly through my anxiety. All my enjoyment of things seems to have vanished. I rarely listen to music anymore, I hardly read and It's a huge effort to get myself dressed - mainly cause I don't see the point. I'm not going out and I hardly see anyone. Doing nothing every day is getting me down too. I have no structure and nothing to focus on. All my days blur into one. It feels like I sit about all day waiting to go to bed. I hate bedtime because that's when I get anxious. 'Will I get to sleep?'...'what if I don't sleep'...'I'm sure my heart is beating too fast'....'I'm going to die'...'I'm scared' - These are the general thoughts I now get at bedtime and this viscous circle goes on for hours and I wonder why I can't sleep. 


Bizarrely the last 3 nights I have dreamt that I was pregnant, which I'm definitely not! So I looked it up online. Apparently to dream you are pregnant 'symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal' - Is it just me or does anyone else relate everything that they see or read to their anxiety? I have no idea what it can mean but I definitely hope that one area of my life 'grows and develops' I'm not even fussy about which area it may be!


 I'm still only young but I feel so old. I feel like I'm never going to get my life back. How do you rebuild your life after anxiety and agoraphobia? I've not been out in the big bad world on my own in 6 years. I've always had protection and someone there to help me feel safe. How do you make friends? How do you get a job? ... I've not got any work experience and I have no qualifications except 8 GCSE's/standard grades which effectively count for nothing. My dream was to go to uni and anxiety came at a crucial point in my education and  uni wasn't an option anymore. Everyone tells me I can still go but it's not the same as I planned and It's more complicated now. I have my own house and part of my rent is paid for me because I live on benefits so going to uni isn't an option because I wouldn't know how I would cope, I would have to give up my benefits and would have to rely financially on myself. A part time job wouldn't be enough to support myself and pay my rent and getting a full time job with no qualifications still isn't enough to support me and pay my rent! How does that work out? Last year someone working for the Job Centre Plus actually told me my only option was to have a baby! I know I'm not ready to work or be in education full time but these are the worries I have. I feel that the only was I can overcome this now is to force myself to go into the big bad world and work. What I've been doing all this time hasn't been working and I'm running out of options and it feels like I'm running out of time too.