On reflection 2012 turned out to be one of the best years I've had in a long time! I'm a little sad to see it end if I'm honest. Things started out with me at rock bottom.
I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic. There was this constant feeling of doom, like something bad was going to happen... I genuinely believed that I was about to die for the first 2 or 3 months of 2012. I had been having rectal bleeding for 8 months constantly and no doctor would take me seriously as I had health anxiety and i convinced myself that i had cancer.
Eventually after a visit to A&E I was finally referred for a sigmoidoscopy although I still had to wait another4 months for the procedure to be carried out and then another 6 weeks afterwards to receive the results. An absolute horrific amount of time to wait for a 'normal' person to wait but for someone with health anxiety this was a million times worse. In my mind I had cancer and all I could think was 'its been left too long... It'll have spread... I'm going to die...' I can even put into words how terrified I was.
Eventually in the middle of march I received the results in the post. I was diagnosed with a suspected Inflammatory bowel disease - ulcerative colitis. Not great, but not cancer - I was so relieved. That I could handle. At this point though I finally realised I had a problem.
I put my mind and body through absolute hell waiting for that diagnosis. How I never had a complete breakdown, I will never know. Getting the diagnosis and it wasn't cancer made something click within me. I needed medication for my anxiety. I was unwell and I had exhausted every other method of dealing with anxiety with limited results.
Medication, in particular antidepressants is what I fear the most in my anxiety, well apart from dying. I'm afraid of side effects, becoming dependent on them, long term effects of taking them etc. but things were just too bad at this point that I had no other choice than to try. I was worried that if I didn't I'd end up killing myself.
It wasn't easy starting them but hands down its been the best thing I've ever done and I regret putting it off for so long. If I had persevered with the medication route when I was first prescribed them at 16 my life could have been so different now (for the better). However, there's no point in what ifs. I've made huge progress in 2012 and I never dreamed that most of it could happen. I certainly never, ever thought I'd be an advocate of medication.
I thought I'd do a quick summary of the positive things that happened in 2012!
1. Eventually found out the cause of bleeding was ulcerative colitis - NOT cancer!
2. Accepted that I needed medication, sought help and was prescribed 50mg sertraline.
3. I passed my driving test first time!
4. I went on holiday for a week, travelling 3 hours from home and coped brilliantly. In a few months I went from not being able to leave my home to driving about a different town on my own!
5. There's been a huge reduction in my what if... Thoughts. I don't tend to think about the worst that will happen any more. If I want to do something, most of the time I do it without thinking "what if this happens".
6. I went for a job interview and it was a success.
7. I've driven to different towns and cities a significant distance from where my home is with only mild anxiety.
8. I can now go to supermarkets and shopping centres and be anxiety/panic free majority of the time!
9. I went on a date, in a public place as well! Lol.
10. I can now go anywhere I want and on my own too with very little anxiety. I no longer require a 'safe person' to be with me.
11. I have also overcome my phobia of exercise. I no longer believe my heart with give up when I exercise.
12. My sleep has improved significantly and I have rarely had a night where I can't sleep at all.
13. I look for any excuse to go out and challenge myself. I enjoy going out again. It's no longer something I fear or dread.
14. In general in much more happier and much less anxious. I still have the odd down day and the odd day with a significant amount of anxiety but its nowhere near as bad and I can cope and accept it now.
I hope that 2013 sees me continue to grow and build on my achievements from this year and that I can continue to manage the anxiety effectively. There's so much I want to do and I hope I can work my way towards these goals.
I wish you all a happy new year and hope that 2013 brings you all great things!
L x
Monday, 31 December 2012
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Quick sertraline update
I've been feeling a ittle more anxious lately, noting too drastic, just a tad uncomfortable at times so after a chat with my doctor we decided to up my sertraline from 50mg to 100mg. Me being the big wimp that I am was a bit... shall we say scared to do such a huge jump from 50 to 100 (I know, I should have just got on with it) so I went up to 75mg the other day. Still no side effects apart from feeling very tired but I know that will pass. After Saturday I have no more 50mg pills left, only 100mg so as of Sunday I'll be on 100mg which hopefully will take the last remaining anxiety/panic away (fingers crossed!). In terms of agoraphobia though that is pretty much no longer a part of my life at the moment. Being away from home doesn't frighten me any more; the thought of travelling long distances away from home doesn't make me ill; getting on public transport is fine - I'm not saying i'm completely anxiety/panic free when doing these things but I'm not fearing them any more. I don't over analyse the situation I'm going to be putting myself into. I accept that I might panic but I also accept that it's just panic - It won't hurt me and it will pass.
I'm going into Glasgow city centre at the weekend, on my own, to go shopping and I'm actually excited about it! This is something I've never done on my own ever and if I manage it I know I will be absolutely delirious! I still can't quite get over how much I've changed in the last 6/7 months. It really has been amazing and I couldn't be happier right now
take care
L x
I'm going into Glasgow city centre at the weekend, on my own, to go shopping and I'm actually excited about it! This is something I've never done on my own ever and if I manage it I know I will be absolutely delirious! I still can't quite get over how much I've changed in the last 6/7 months. It really has been amazing and I couldn't be happier right now
take care
L x
Monday, 24 September 2012
Dating after agoraphobia
I developed agoraphobia at the age of 16 so I had never really had the chance to do the whole dating thing and while I was agoraphobic my self esteem was far too low to even consider dating or any kind of relationship. What guy would want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't go out and was constantly anxious?
It's strange though because I craved a relationship and affection so much but I refused myself the chance of anything like that, although the offers were very limited anyway since I never left my home.
Since things have been going well lately and my confidence is increasing, dating has been something that has become a new focus in my life. A few months ago, I set up an account with an online dating site. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little sceptical about online dating and very cautious but it seems everyone is doing it!
I've been speaking to a lot of guys on there, some are nice to talk to, some make me laugh, some are good looking and at times some can be creepy. I have had quite a few offers of dates. In the beginning I was too anxious to arrange a date. 'what if he was a serial killer?', 'what if he's lied about who he is?' etc. however, last week after talking to a guy for a couple of weeks & checking out his Facebook account etc. we arranged to meet for a drink.
Last Friday we met in a local bar. Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous at all! I think I more too relieved that he actually looked the same in person. I was extremely worried that I may have had a panic attack - its been years since I had been in a bar and even longer since I had went out with practically a stranger and not someone I would consider a 'safe person'. Thankfully though, I didn't panic. There were times my anxiety rose and I felt on the verge of panicking but it never got out of control and I coped fine with it.
We stayed out for about 3 hours before calling it a night. He was a lovely guy but not my type and there wasn't a spark - sounds very cliched but I need a spark!! :-) I am very picky though which is annoying because I sometimes feel I'll never meet someone I like. He did ask my out again the next night and part of me wanted to go just for the sake of going out and testing my anxiety but I felt its be wrong especially as I knew I didn't feel anything for him.
The only downside of dating is the fact that I haven't mentioned my anxiety or agoraphobia to any of the guys I've spoken to. In a way I feel very deceitful but I don't want it to be a focus in this part of my life. I love talking to guys about 'normal' things. Every part of my life still centres in some way around anxiety/agoraphobia and I love that this doesn't. Obviously if I were to ever start a relationship with one of these guys then I would need to bring it up but as long as its just chatting and the odd date then I don't want to discuss it.
It's strange though because I craved a relationship and affection so much but I refused myself the chance of anything like that, although the offers were very limited anyway since I never left my home.
Since things have been going well lately and my confidence is increasing, dating has been something that has become a new focus in my life. A few months ago, I set up an account with an online dating site. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little sceptical about online dating and very cautious but it seems everyone is doing it!
I've been speaking to a lot of guys on there, some are nice to talk to, some make me laugh, some are good looking and at times some can be creepy. I have had quite a few offers of dates. In the beginning I was too anxious to arrange a date. 'what if he was a serial killer?', 'what if he's lied about who he is?' etc. however, last week after talking to a guy for a couple of weeks & checking out his Facebook account etc. we arranged to meet for a drink.
Last Friday we met in a local bar. Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous at all! I think I more too relieved that he actually looked the same in person. I was extremely worried that I may have had a panic attack - its been years since I had been in a bar and even longer since I had went out with practically a stranger and not someone I would consider a 'safe person'. Thankfully though, I didn't panic. There were times my anxiety rose and I felt on the verge of panicking but it never got out of control and I coped fine with it.
We stayed out for about 3 hours before calling it a night. He was a lovely guy but not my type and there wasn't a spark - sounds very cliched but I need a spark!! :-) I am very picky though which is annoying because I sometimes feel I'll never meet someone I like. He did ask my out again the next night and part of me wanted to go just for the sake of going out and testing my anxiety but I felt its be wrong especially as I knew I didn't feel anything for him.
The only downside of dating is the fact that I haven't mentioned my anxiety or agoraphobia to any of the guys I've spoken to. In a way I feel very deceitful but I don't want it to be a focus in this part of my life. I love talking to guys about 'normal' things. Every part of my life still centres in some way around anxiety/agoraphobia and I love that this doesn't. Obviously if I were to ever start a relationship with one of these guys then I would need to bring it up but as long as its just chatting and the odd date then I don't want to discuss it.
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
'cured'?
It's been a long while since I've been on here and even
Longer since I updated this blog!
I guess I wanted to come back on and say that after 4+ months after starting sertraline things are continuing to go extremely well for me. I always swore that I didn't want to take medication for my anxiety. I was terrified of meds, even the thought of taking them was enough to have me in a panic but earlier this year my anxiety hit a new level and I knew that I had to at least try the medication and honestly I'm so glad I did!
In the last few months I've started going out on my own, going to appointments, shopping etc... I've been away on a week long break a few hours away from home, I've even been on a job interview!! I could only have dreamed about doing things like this a year ago. I still can't quite believe it when I jump in the car on my own and go wherever I want/or need to go. I no longer feel like a burden on other people or have to arrange things so that someone else can come with me. It really is amazing and has done wonders for my confidence.
I guess the only downside is that I do still have panic attacks is certain situations but I am still only on 50mg of sertraline which is the lowest dose. The panic attacks I do have don't happen all that often and I can always cope with them now. They don't worry me anymore or have any kind of hold over me. Since the 27th of April I have been out every single day, pushing myself to do something. In the beginning it was difficult and very strange but now it's natural. I no longer feel agoraphobic and I feel a lot more like my old self.
I felt the need to come on and update this as when I used to look up online for 'success stories' and hope that I could get better. There was very little to be found and it made me feel that I couldn't get better. I guess the truth is that when things are going well you're not really going to come on and say that.
I know that medication isn't the answer for everyone, and for me it was the last thing for me to try, so I guess I'm lucky it's worked! God only knows what I'd be like just now if it hadn't! But if your anxiety is at the stage where it's interfering with your life or you're struggling to cope please give it a chance. It's nowhere near as scary as you think it's going to be. I imagined all the worst side effects possible and I actually didn't really get any. I honestly wished I had done this years ago and saved myself the hell that I went through for years waiting to wake up and be miraculously better. There's so much that I feel I missed out on and I could have spared myself that. I'm looking forward to making up for though :-)
I wish you all the very best.
L x
Longer since I updated this blog!
I guess I wanted to come back on and say that after 4+ months after starting sertraline things are continuing to go extremely well for me. I always swore that I didn't want to take medication for my anxiety. I was terrified of meds, even the thought of taking them was enough to have me in a panic but earlier this year my anxiety hit a new level and I knew that I had to at least try the medication and honestly I'm so glad I did!
In the last few months I've started going out on my own, going to appointments, shopping etc... I've been away on a week long break a few hours away from home, I've even been on a job interview!! I could only have dreamed about doing things like this a year ago. I still can't quite believe it when I jump in the car on my own and go wherever I want/or need to go. I no longer feel like a burden on other people or have to arrange things so that someone else can come with me. It really is amazing and has done wonders for my confidence.
I guess the only downside is that I do still have panic attacks is certain situations but I am still only on 50mg of sertraline which is the lowest dose. The panic attacks I do have don't happen all that often and I can always cope with them now. They don't worry me anymore or have any kind of hold over me. Since the 27th of April I have been out every single day, pushing myself to do something. In the beginning it was difficult and very strange but now it's natural. I no longer feel agoraphobic and I feel a lot more like my old self.
I felt the need to come on and update this as when I used to look up online for 'success stories' and hope that I could get better. There was very little to be found and it made me feel that I couldn't get better. I guess the truth is that when things are going well you're not really going to come on and say that.
I know that medication isn't the answer for everyone, and for me it was the last thing for me to try, so I guess I'm lucky it's worked! God only knows what I'd be like just now if it hadn't! But if your anxiety is at the stage where it's interfering with your life or you're struggling to cope please give it a chance. It's nowhere near as scary as you think it's going to be. I imagined all the worst side effects possible and I actually didn't really get any. I honestly wished I had done this years ago and saved myself the hell that I went through for years waiting to wake up and be miraculously better. There's so much that I feel I missed out on and I could have spared myself that. I'm looking forward to making up for though :-)
I wish you all the very best.
L x
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
A week of successes
I had a post all written out last week but then my iPhone decided to die on me and the blogger app doesn't save your posts, which is a little frustrating. I still haven't managed to get my laptop fixed and I'm so lost without it but tonight I've managed to borrow one and I thought I'd do an update on the medication so far and blog about my AMAZING week - Yep, it was so good that 'amazing' deserves to be in cap lock ;)
Today I took my 38th sertraline tablet (honestly, I'm not counting or anything!), still on the 25mg as I'm about to run out and can't get an appointment to see my GP for a new prescription for 2 weeks!! I'm trying not to worry too much about that, I'm sure something will get sorted. I never thought I'd say the day though where I'd panic about my antidepressants running out! Side effect wise there's nothing going on. The excessive sleepiness has died down as have the crazy dreams! My anxiety has reduced a lot. I still have anxious moments throughout the day but nowhere near as bad as I was having. The constant sense of doom has left me, I don't feel so hopeless any more and I'm no longer hiding in the bathroom when around other people. I haven't taken a valium/diazepam in a week and haven't had a full blown panic attack in a week either! All amazing... but it get's better :)
A while ago I blogged about starting having driving lessons again. I was determined that I was going to do something 'normal'; something that would challenge my anxiety & agoraphobia and something that would get me out the house. For the most part I managed to stick to a driving lesson once a week, I think I had to cancel about 5 lessons due to my anxiety. The lessons were difficult. I found that I panicked a lot and I absolutely dreaded them all week but I was determined I was going to see something through. I give up on everything due to anxiety and it destroys what little confidence you have left and I was adamant I was going to make myself do this.
In March I was told that I was ready to put in for my driving test, so I did. Once I booked it I panicked. 'How on earth was I going to be able to go on a driving test?' - I spent majority of my lessons in a constant state of panic, I would be going into a car with a complete stranger for 40 minutes and how was I going to cope under test conditions? - In a way this was a good thing for me because it pushed me to give the medication a shot. I knew it was dodgy, 6 weeks wasn't a long time and I wasn't even starting on the right dose but luckily about 5 days before my test my anxiety died down. I'm not sure if it was the sertraline, hypnosis, or all the other stuff I was doing but something reduced my anxiety.
On the day of the test I hadn't slept in 26hrs and I was feeling ill. There was no way I was going to cope. I ended up taking a valium 4 hours before my test which did stop me from panicking. Anyway long story short. I coped with my anxiety, got myself together and passed my driving test first time. I was too exhausted by the end of it to feel anything but seeing my family proud of me was an amazing thing to see and a memory I will cherish. Most of the time I feel like a failure and I feel like my family see me as one too so it was nice to have done something to make them proud of me. After a good 14 hour sleep I did feel pretty proud of myself too!
It's been a week since I passed my test and it's been amazing. It's honestly one of the greatest things i've done. I've been out every night when the roads are quiet and driving about on my own for about 20 mins. I was terrified to go too far the first few nights. I was terrified I'd panic and wouldn't get home again. About 3 nights ago I set myself a challenge. I wanted to get to a quiet supermarket which is about 2 miles away from my house. The first night I drove half way there and came home. The second night I drove all the way there and went into the car park but didn't go inside. I was feeling pretty calm and even decided to drive the long way home! Last night I needed dinner and a few other bits and I decided that I was going to go in and get everything I needed. I was more anxious doing this but it wasn't horrendous or anything like I imagined. I was a little sweaty, had jelly legs and my heart was racing but I coped and I got myself home in one piece! And due to my soaring confidence levels I decided I was going to try the busy supermarket 2 miles in the other direction on the busier roads and again I managed it! I was way more panicky going to this supermarket but I done it and 'nothing bad' happened!
I have amazed myself with what I've managed the last few days, I would've never believed I could have done it and my confidence is sky high. I'm looking forward to going out now and see what else I can do that I've been telling myself that I can't. Until last night I hadn't went anywhere on my own in 8 years! It's just an amazing feeling and I felt so independent which I haven't done in so long. I don't feel like I have to depend on anyone for a change. I feel like I can go and do things for myself. Next weekend I have a challenge of driving 5 miles from my home on my own to pick up relatives and instead of thinking there's no way I can do it or absolutely dreading it, I'm excited to see if I can do it and I'm welcoming the challenge.
It's amazing what positive thinking and a confidence boost can do :)
Hope you're all well xx
P.S. On the day of my driving test I also got an appointment through to see a psychologist again, must have been my lucky day! ha! So hopefully the combination of the meds, therapy and my new found confidence will keep me (kind of) anxiety free!
Today I took my 38th sertraline tablet (honestly, I'm not counting or anything!), still on the 25mg as I'm about to run out and can't get an appointment to see my GP for a new prescription for 2 weeks!! I'm trying not to worry too much about that, I'm sure something will get sorted. I never thought I'd say the day though where I'd panic about my antidepressants running out! Side effect wise there's nothing going on. The excessive sleepiness has died down as have the crazy dreams! My anxiety has reduced a lot. I still have anxious moments throughout the day but nowhere near as bad as I was having. The constant sense of doom has left me, I don't feel so hopeless any more and I'm no longer hiding in the bathroom when around other people. I haven't taken a valium/diazepam in a week and haven't had a full blown panic attack in a week either! All amazing... but it get's better :)
A while ago I blogged about starting having driving lessons again. I was determined that I was going to do something 'normal'; something that would challenge my anxiety & agoraphobia and something that would get me out the house. For the most part I managed to stick to a driving lesson once a week, I think I had to cancel about 5 lessons due to my anxiety. The lessons were difficult. I found that I panicked a lot and I absolutely dreaded them all week but I was determined I was going to see something through. I give up on everything due to anxiety and it destroys what little confidence you have left and I was adamant I was going to make myself do this.
In March I was told that I was ready to put in for my driving test, so I did. Once I booked it I panicked. 'How on earth was I going to be able to go on a driving test?' - I spent majority of my lessons in a constant state of panic, I would be going into a car with a complete stranger for 40 minutes and how was I going to cope under test conditions? - In a way this was a good thing for me because it pushed me to give the medication a shot. I knew it was dodgy, 6 weeks wasn't a long time and I wasn't even starting on the right dose but luckily about 5 days before my test my anxiety died down. I'm not sure if it was the sertraline, hypnosis, or all the other stuff I was doing but something reduced my anxiety.
On the day of the test I hadn't slept in 26hrs and I was feeling ill. There was no way I was going to cope. I ended up taking a valium 4 hours before my test which did stop me from panicking. Anyway long story short. I coped with my anxiety, got myself together and passed my driving test first time. I was too exhausted by the end of it to feel anything but seeing my family proud of me was an amazing thing to see and a memory I will cherish. Most of the time I feel like a failure and I feel like my family see me as one too so it was nice to have done something to make them proud of me. After a good 14 hour sleep I did feel pretty proud of myself too!
It's been a week since I passed my test and it's been amazing. It's honestly one of the greatest things i've done. I've been out every night when the roads are quiet and driving about on my own for about 20 mins. I was terrified to go too far the first few nights. I was terrified I'd panic and wouldn't get home again. About 3 nights ago I set myself a challenge. I wanted to get to a quiet supermarket which is about 2 miles away from my house. The first night I drove half way there and came home. The second night I drove all the way there and went into the car park but didn't go inside. I was feeling pretty calm and even decided to drive the long way home! Last night I needed dinner and a few other bits and I decided that I was going to go in and get everything I needed. I was more anxious doing this but it wasn't horrendous or anything like I imagined. I was a little sweaty, had jelly legs and my heart was racing but I coped and I got myself home in one piece! And due to my soaring confidence levels I decided I was going to try the busy supermarket 2 miles in the other direction on the busier roads and again I managed it! I was way more panicky going to this supermarket but I done it and 'nothing bad' happened!
I have amazed myself with what I've managed the last few days, I would've never believed I could have done it and my confidence is sky high. I'm looking forward to going out now and see what else I can do that I've been telling myself that I can't. Until last night I hadn't went anywhere on my own in 8 years! It's just an amazing feeling and I felt so independent which I haven't done in so long. I don't feel like I have to depend on anyone for a change. I feel like I can go and do things for myself. Next weekend I have a challenge of driving 5 miles from my home on my own to pick up relatives and instead of thinking there's no way I can do it or absolutely dreading it, I'm excited to see if I can do it and I'm welcoming the challenge.
It's amazing what positive thinking and a confidence boost can do :)
Hope you're all well xx
P.S. On the day of my driving test I also got an appointment through to see a psychologist again, must have been my lucky day! ha! So hopefully the combination of the meds, therapy and my new found confidence will keep me (kind of) anxiety free!
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Accepting it's 'just' anxiety
This week has been a little challenging for me. I'm feeling more motivated and I'm sleeping a lot better - albeit, at the wrong times - but my anxiety is still quite high most of the time and I've saw an increase in panic attacks in the last few days. However, I can cope with this (I think) for a few weeks until the meds are at the correct dose and start to work properly.
Something interesting happened this week though. Two nights in a row I found myself having quite severe chest pain & feeling that I couldn't breathe. I wasn't feeling anxious at all at this point, although my anxiety levels quickly shot up after the chest pains. 'this is it' I thought 'this really is a heart attack this time'. There's no way it could be anxiety, I DIDN'T FEEL ANXIOUS. After a while the chest pain stopped and my anxiety levels dropped enough for me to 'feel safe enough' to go to bed.
The next night I experienced the same thing. I worked myself into such a state the second time that I actually contemplated calling an ambulance. There was no way experiencing chest when not feeling anxious was normal. I managed to calm myself a little and take a diazepam tablet just to see. Twenty minutes later the chest pains were gone, meaning it clearly was anxiety that was causing it. This is what frustrates me. If I have anxiety symptoms without feeling anxious, how do I know if it's just anxiety or something that could potentially be serious? This is what perpetuates my health anxiety.
If I constantly go and get every symptom checked out, I keep the anxiety about my health going as do I when I worry about every symptom but if I just ignore it and think 'oh, it's only anxiety' I'm scared I'll miss something serious. I guess that's the nature of health anxiety but it's been so long that I don't know what the balance between being concerned & over concerned even is anymore.
Something interesting happened this week though. Two nights in a row I found myself having quite severe chest pain & feeling that I couldn't breathe. I wasn't feeling anxious at all at this point, although my anxiety levels quickly shot up after the chest pains. 'this is it' I thought 'this really is a heart attack this time'. There's no way it could be anxiety, I DIDN'T FEEL ANXIOUS. After a while the chest pain stopped and my anxiety levels dropped enough for me to 'feel safe enough' to go to bed.
The next night I experienced the same thing. I worked myself into such a state the second time that I actually contemplated calling an ambulance. There was no way experiencing chest when not feeling anxious was normal. I managed to calm myself a little and take a diazepam tablet just to see. Twenty minutes later the chest pains were gone, meaning it clearly was anxiety that was causing it. This is what frustrates me. If I have anxiety symptoms without feeling anxious, how do I know if it's just anxiety or something that could potentially be serious? This is what perpetuates my health anxiety.
If I constantly go and get every symptom checked out, I keep the anxiety about my health going as do I when I worry about every symptom but if I just ignore it and think 'oh, it's only anxiety' I'm scared I'll miss something serious. I guess that's the nature of health anxiety but it's been so long that I don't know what the balance between being concerned & over concerned even is anymore.
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