I Finally Picked Up The Prescription...

... now all I have to do is find the courage to take them! I kind of decided yesterday that I was going to start today by taking a quarter! Laughable I know but I thought If I done that I would be less anxious about taking them and I wouldn't suffer any side effects. When It came time to take it today though I couldn't do it. Another reason I wanted to take a quarter of the tablet is I read in 'The anxiety and phobia workbook' by Edmund J. Bourne that to minimize side effects you should start off on a low dose of the meds and increase over time, for Zoloft (sertraline) he recommended 10mg and you would get this by quartering it. He also goes on to say that you should gradually increase up to a tablet a day over a period of several weeks. I wish I could stop being so bloody stupid and just take it!! I feel so bad at the moment but I don't want to feel worse and my fear is that taking the meds will send my anxiety even more out of control than it already is.

I was doing well with the Paul McKenna Mp3 but the last 2 nights I haven't done it. I can;t even blame anxiety for not listening I just couldn't be bothered I was in a bit of a downer and it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I went out yesterday but it was horrible, I didn't feel anxious when I got up so I suggested going out for a while to see if it would reduce my anxiety. I kind of wish I hadn't bothered, after 10 mins in the car I was really anxious and wanted to go home. I didn't though. We got into the supermarket and I couldn't cope. I had to stand at the clothes section which was relatively quiet and then after 15 minutes I had to leave. I did go to another shop after that just so I felt I wasn't giving in but that was a nightmare too. I felt so drained and so tired even though I had a good nights sleep. All I could think was a few weeks ago, this was so easy easy for me to do. How can it have got so bad so fast?

Paul McKenna - First Listen

Just listened to the mp3 for the first time and I do feel calmer and I was able to listen all the way through so I'm off to a positive start!

I'm feeling a lot more positive too, think it may be because I was able to listen all the way through without constantly fighting waves of panic and fidgeting. I also just read this post, which is fabulous! The first person I've heard about overcoming their agoraphobia, without selling their product! (lol). So positivity is the way forward! Thinking positive is really difficult for me, I tend to see things in black and white and to be honest I mostly find the negative in everything!

Paul McKenna

A while ago I bought an agoraphobia mind programming technique from the Paul McKenna website and It did help me quite a lot and usually anytime I'm feeling a bit anxious I have a listen to it and usually takes the edge of the anxiety. Lately, however, because my anxiety is so severe I can't even relax enough to listen to 2 mins of the mp3 let alone 23 mins (and that's only part 2!) but tonight I'm going to persevere and listen to it all the way through and do it every night for weeks, as suggested and see if there has been any progress or change in my anxiety.

It asks you to make a note of the strength of you phobia - I'd say on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm definitely at a 10 at the moment. I'm avoiding everything, not sleeping and have an overwhelming amount of anxiety all the time for no reason. It's horrendous, I actually forgot how bad it is to feel like this!

I will try and find a way to put the mp3 up for anyone who would like to give it a go.

Fingers crossed I start to see an improvement soon!

How Did I Let Myself Get Like This Again?

I'm lying in bed and I can feel like a huge ball of nervous energy in my stomach, I can feel it moving up through my arms and down through my legs. It's horrible. My heart is racing, my jaw clenched tight and I'm all tensed up.I can't lie still, I feel the need to move about. I'm also feeling slightly nauseas. I just wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep but I can't switch my brain off. I feel weak. It feels like it's going to keep getting worse until it gets out of control. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. I'm not used to feeling like this anymore. I do still get anxious but not like this. I don't know how to cope with this anymore, I'm trying to listen to relaxation but i'm too anxious. It's not working. This is the second night in a row I've felt like this.  I really do empathize with anyone who feels like this all the time. I forgot how horrendous it is and I feel lonelier than ever right now.

I'm scared, I don't want to go back to this. This would be a huge set back to go back to this all the time.

Anxiety Winning!

I was supposed to to start the anti-depressants on Monday but today is Friday and I still haven't even lifted the prescription. I know that as soon as I lift the prescription I'm going to be forced into taking them and I'm terrified! So I've avoided (I'm great at that!) going for the prescription.

I'm still really anxious and going out is becoming a problem, when I do go out just now it often results in a panic attack. I'm not sleeping well either and I'm awake most of the night and getting very little sleep. Lack of sleep isn't helping either. If I don't get enough sleep I get very anxious and find it difficult to even get out of bed, so I often spend the whole day in my bedroom waiting to go to bed.

I have a driving lesson in an hour too. I booked these lessons weeks ago when I was much less anxious and I wish I hadn't bothered. I feel I have to make myself go but then I have a panic attack on the lesson and can't concentrate so I feel like I'm throwing money, which I don't have, down the drain! I've only had 4hrs sleep at the thought of this lesson today and I wish I could cancel!

Anxious at the thought of taking sertraline

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking my first Sertraline (Zoloft) tablet and I'm feeling really anxious about it. My heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought. Once I've swallowed it, there's nothing I can do it's in my system. I'm terrified that something will happen, I'm having visions of being rushed to the hospital or becoming a zombie and having all these horrendous side effects. Then there's the warning on the leaflet that some people make have suicidal thoughts... What if I take them and want to kill myself? What if I lose my mind? Honestly the thoughts I've been having are awful! Although if I didn't have thoughts like these then I wouldn't need medication in the first place.

I went out yesterday for a while and my anxiety was out of control. I tried to go and sit in a changing room to try and get a grip of myself and calm myself down but I couldn't manage it. After that I started to think that the meds would maybe a good idea as maybe they would take the edge off or quieten some of the 'scary' thoughts I have when I'm out. Now that it's nearly time to take them it doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore. I feel like pleading with everyone to not make me take them and i'll work harder at trying to overcome everything. I just wish I could switch my brain off!

D-Day!

Today I went to the Doctors to discuss how bad my anxiety has been lately and basically to see what my options were. I was really anxious about going partly cause I knew what she was going to suggest and I was right, I am currently sitting with a prescription for the anti-depressant Sertraline (50mg). It was that or a beta blocker called propanalol. I don't like the thought of either but I chose the anti-depressant. I don't know much about beta blockers but all I could think was 'would I rather mess about with my head or my heart (If I'm right I believe beta blockers work on your heart?) So I figured I would be less anxious about taking the anti-depressant. 

In January 2010 I went to see my Doctor about my anxiety (I'm sensing a theme here, January/February must be my worst time of year!) and left with a prescription with sertraline. I went to the pharmacy and collected the prescription but they sat in my drawer untouched for 9 months and then I binned them. I'm phobic of taking ANY kind of pill. I will sit in severe pain rather than take a pain killer (stupid, I know!) and anti-depressants have a really bad reputation for negative side effects. So sitting with the prescription again I'm having difficulty deciding whether I'm going to take them or not.

I don't actually know how anti-depressants affect anxiety and agoraphobia. Do they cure you? Will I be able to go out and not worry or panic? I tried to ask but she didn't answer it. So If I'm going to put myself through weeks of awful side effects is it going to have an effect and will it be worth it? I know as soon as I swallow the pill I'll panic. If the pills don't give me side effects, my head will! My family are pushing me to take them. In their opinion I've tried it my way for 7/8 years and that hasn't worked and I always said that anti-depressants would be my last option and in their minds now is the time for me to do it, I've tried everything else. 

I should point out that I have tried anti-depressants years ago and had an awful experience which I won't go into detail about. Everyone is different and we all react to medications in different ways and anyway there are enough scary stories floating about the web on anti-depressants! Anyway, that experience is what made me pill-phobic. I'm scared that if I take the sertraline I will have the same experience.

Monday Is D-Day! I'm going to pick up the prescription and If I decide to take them, it will be on Monday. My doctor has suggested I go back and stay at my parents if I'm worried about having a repeat of the last time so that if anything does happen there's someone there. So I've arranged to stay there for maybe a week while my body and brain adjust to the tablets.  The doctor also suggested that I take the tablets and give my Mum or Dad the leaflet with side effects so that I don't read it and think I have something (or more likely everything!) on the list. If I do experience anything they can check the leaflet and see if it's on it. I don't know I'll be able to stop myself from googling though!

Four days to decide what I'm going to do!... I'm anxious!!!