Rant

Lately I'm becoming more aware of how much my life revolves around anxiety, obviously I'm always aware of the anxiety but what I mean is that without I'm not sure what would happen if I didn't have it anymore? I basically live and breathe anxiety. It's always on my mind; it affects every decision I make; It affects how I interact with people; It affects how I feel about myself and I suppose it has become my 'main identity'. I can't help but feel that if it was no longer a part of me I'd feel just as lost as I did when I first started to suffer badly from it.

I'm also starting to question if, subconsciously, I'm holding on to anxiety as a safety net. If I continue to hide behind anxiety I'll never have to face life, I'll never have to do things that are difficult or that I don't want to do. I'll never have to fail at anything because I don't have to try... I'm agoraphobic... I can't do it! I can't come to any other conclusion as to why I can't beat this, half the time I don't even try hard enough to overcome it. If I really do want to overcome it then why am I not outside at least trying to walking up the street. Even If I only got 2 steps from my door on my own, It would be a start and more than yesterday. Why can't I stick to listening to the relaxation CD's everyday? It's not like I have anything else to fill my days with. Why haven't the hypnosis, NLP, Human givens, CBT, Exposure therapy etc... not been effective for me?

I know that this post seems to be really negative. That's not my intention and I'm not actually feeling down or in a negative frame of mind. I guess I'm just questioning my anxiety and coming to the realisation that I control my anxiety. I doesn't control me. I surrender to to my anxious thoughts and feeling without fighting. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm now at  the stage where I have nothing in my life except anxiety. I don't know how to function without it. I don't know how to have a pointless conversation with someone about say, the weather, yet due to years of therapy, I can talk about 'how I feel'...etc, without any trouble.

Do I work? - No, I'm agoraphobic

Do I have a boyfriend? No, I'm agoraphobic

Do I have kids? No, I'm agoraphobic

Do I go on holidays? No, I'm agoraphobic

Do I have friends? No, I'm agoraphobic

I'm allowing these thoughts and feelings to overtake all aspects of my life and unless I change it, it will be like this forever.