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Friday 25 February 2011

Anxiety Winning!

I was supposed to to start the anti-depressants on Monday but today is Friday and I still haven't even lifted the prescription. I know that as soon as I lift the prescription I'm going to be forced into taking them and I'm terrified! So I've avoided (I'm great at that!) going for the prescription.

I'm still really anxious and going out is becoming a problem, when I do go out just now it often results in a panic attack. I'm not sleeping well either and I'm awake most of the night and getting very little sleep. Lack of sleep isn't helping either. If I don't get enough sleep I get very anxious and find it difficult to even get out of bed, so I often spend the whole day in my bedroom waiting to go to bed.

I have a driving lesson in an hour too. I booked these lessons weeks ago when I was much less anxious and I wish I hadn't bothered. I feel I have to make myself go but then I have a panic attack on the lesson and can't concentrate so I feel like I'm throwing money, which I don't have, down the drain! I've only had 4hrs sleep at the thought of this lesson today and I wish I could cancel!

Sunday 20 February 2011

Anxious at the thought of taking sertraline

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking my first Sertraline (Zoloft) tablet and I'm feeling really anxious about it. My heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought. Once I've swallowed it, there's nothing I can do it's in my system. I'm terrified that something will happen, I'm having visions of being rushed to the hospital or becoming a zombie and having all these horrendous side effects. Then there's the warning on the leaflet that some people make have suicidal thoughts... What if I take them and want to kill myself? What if I lose my mind? Honestly the thoughts I've been having are awful! Although if I didn't have thoughts like these then I wouldn't need medication in the first place.

I went out yesterday for a while and my anxiety was out of control. I tried to go and sit in a changing room to try and get a grip of myself and calm myself down but I couldn't manage it. After that I started to think that the meds would maybe a good idea as maybe they would take the edge off or quieten some of the 'scary' thoughts I have when I'm out. Now that it's nearly time to take them it doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore. I feel like pleading with everyone to not make me take them and i'll work harder at trying to overcome everything. I just wish I could switch my brain off!

Thursday 17 February 2011

D-Day!

Today I went to the Doctors to discuss how bad my anxiety has been lately and basically to see what my options were. I was really anxious about going partly cause I knew what she was going to suggest and I was right, I am currently sitting with a prescription for the anti-depressant Sertraline (50mg). It was that or a beta blocker called propanalol. I don't like the thought of either but I chose the anti-depressant. I don't know much about beta blockers but all I could think was 'would I rather mess about with my head or my heart (If I'm right I believe beta blockers work on your heart?) So I figured I would be less anxious about taking the anti-depressant. 

In January 2010 I went to see my Doctor about my anxiety (I'm sensing a theme here, January/February must be my worst time of year!) and left with a prescription with sertraline. I went to the pharmacy and collected the prescription but they sat in my drawer untouched for 9 months and then I binned them. I'm phobic of taking ANY kind of pill. I will sit in severe pain rather than take a pain killer (stupid, I know!) and anti-depressants have a really bad reputation for negative side effects. So sitting with the prescription again I'm having difficulty deciding whether I'm going to take them or not.

I don't actually know how anti-depressants affect anxiety and agoraphobia. Do they cure you? Will I be able to go out and not worry or panic? I tried to ask but she didn't answer it. So If I'm going to put myself through weeks of awful side effects is it going to have an effect and will it be worth it? I know as soon as I swallow the pill I'll panic. If the pills don't give me side effects, my head will! My family are pushing me to take them. In their opinion I've tried it my way for 7/8 years and that hasn't worked and I always said that anti-depressants would be my last option and in their minds now is the time for me to do it, I've tried everything else. 

I should point out that I have tried anti-depressants years ago and had an awful experience which I won't go into detail about. Everyone is different and we all react to medications in different ways and anyway there are enough scary stories floating about the web on anti-depressants! Anyway, that experience is what made me pill-phobic. I'm scared that if I take the sertraline I will have the same experience.

Monday Is D-Day! I'm going to pick up the prescription and If I decide to take them, it will be on Monday. My doctor has suggested I go back and stay at my parents if I'm worried about having a repeat of the last time so that if anything does happen there's someone there. So I've arranged to stay there for maybe a week while my body and brain adjust to the tablets.  The doctor also suggested that I take the tablets and give my Mum or Dad the leaflet with side effects so that I don't read it and think I have something (or more likely everything!) on the list. If I do experience anything they can check the leaflet and see if it's on it. I don't know I'll be able to stop myself from googling though!

Four days to decide what I'm going to do!... I'm anxious!!!