Cannot wait for this year to be over!

I really hate New Year, for me, it's the worst time of the year and I always cannot wait to get it over and done with. It's a time of the year where I feel incredibly lonely. I feel lonely all of the time but for some reason at new year this feeling intensifies. It's also a big occasion in Scotland and everyone goes out to celebrate it and I guess for me it symbolises all the things that I still cannot do. The last time I celebrated New Year was 8 years ago! An incredibly long time ago! This year, however, I cannot wait for New Year. 2011 has been one of my worst years ever. My anxiety came back with a vengeance and I've spent most of the year in fear or trying to find ways again to cope with how I've been feeling. I just want to get it over with now and have a fresh start in 2012.

I thought about making resolutions, which I usually do don't since I'm absolutely hopeless at sticking to them! Instead I have a list of things I would like to achieve or I would like to happen in 2012. The things on the list aren't rigid demands, if something changes or no longer suits then I will adapt it or discard it and not feel guilty or like I've failed. The things on the list are simple things like walking to the shop more; going further with the dog; looking after myself; making myself feel good; affirmations; relaxation etc. There's nothing drastic, just small things which I hope if I stick to could lead to an improvement in my anxiety & self esteem. If I go for weeks without doing the relaxation etc I just start again, no beating myself up. I've spent majority of my year doing that and it's got me nowhere. I need to look after myself and be kind to myself; after all if I'm not then who else will?

One thing I really am grateful for this year though is twitter. I've met some really lovely people in the last couple of months and without their kind words and support, I really don't know how I would have coped and they have made my world a little less scary & lonely - So, Thank you :)

I hope you all had a nice Christmas and wish you all a happy and healthy new year

L xx

Paul McKenna...

"The key programmes of human behaviour are habit and imagination, and they are far more powerful than logic and willpower will ever be"

Health Anxiety creeping back up!

My health anxiety, in general, is still pretty high but I had lost my fear of having a heart problem. Well I hadn't lost the fear completely... more that it wasn't consuming me all the time. I was still attempting to get on the exercise bike, I'd still walk places and not be as panicked that I would collapse and die. The last couple of days though, I've noticed the fear coming back, I haven't gone anywhere near the exercise bike, mopping the floor yesterday almost brought on a full blown panic attack because my heart was racing and for the last couple of days I've been checking my resting heart rate regularly - something I haven't done in months. I've always had a fast heart rate, even before I was diagnosed with anxiety my doctor sent me for an ECG to make sure there wasn't anything wrong. The ECG was normal and I had another one about 2 years ago and again that was normal. I always worry that I have some kind of heart problem that the ECG missed but my doctor seems to think that my fast heart rate and palpitations are down to anxiety. I don't know how reliable ECG's are or what they can detect but I always worry they're not picking something up.

It always worries me that something serious will go unnoticed since my doctor seems to put everything down to anxiety. I wouldn't mind so much if I was constantly going to get things checked out or always going to A&E, but I don't. I know that I suffer health anxiety and anxiety in general so I only go when I have 'real' symptoms or if something has been worrying me for a long time.

I really hope my heart fear simmers back down as it always stops my progress. I eventually get too terrified to go out in case I collapse and die. Coping with it on my own is going to be quite difficult since I'm not having therapy at the moment. I'm actually quite pissed off with that too. I haven't received a letter confirming if I went back on the waiting list or how long the waiting list is. I've heard absolutely nothing which is quite shocking as I'm supposed to be a priority case. I don't even know who I contact to ask if I was put on a waiting list since it wasn't through my doctor. I really wish I had the money to pay to go private, I'm seriously losing all faith in the NHS, they seem to think it's a case of one size fits all. When you don't react in the way you're expected to, you're not trying hard enough and wasting their time. Surely if they had a true understanding of psychological problems they would understand just how hard to even get up, get dressed & actually attend the appointment is. Out of 5 psychologists I've attended, I've only had one  who truly understood what I was going through and he helped me immensely. I went from not being able to leave my room to being able to go shopping within 6 weeks. A year after that I went on holiday abroad. I then lived another year virtually panic free. So I know that the right therapist can help you to manage your anxiety but it seems getting the right therapist is a challenge in itself.

really good tips for coping with anxiety

Would really recommend checking it out :) http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_tips.html

Not doing enough

I spend hours and hours researching anxiety on the internet looking for a 'cure' or that magic vital piece of information that I might have missed that will suddenly make fall into place, I research books, then buy them and only read part of them. I download hypnosis & relaxation MP3's which I listen to for a while then start to forget about listening to them. I get myself into a routine of going to bed early and getting up early which eventually I fall out of and end up back to up all night and sleeping all day. I go on the exercise bike and think "I'll do this every day' and then I do it a couple of times that week and then don't get on it for weeks. I started an open university course with great intentions - Studying without having to leave the house - win, win situation, but I didn't stick to that either. Why is it that I can't stick to things. Everything feels like a huge effort all the time. I'm full of great intentions one day and I begin to think 'I can do this' then the next day I have no motivation at all to do anything. Then once I've not done it that day I don't continue the next, and so on.

Why do I do this? I really, really do want to get better but from my actions you would think that I don't. Why then can I not find the motivation within me to just do these things. Some days when I feel like hell I make myself clean my house from top to bottom. No matter how anxious, how unmotivated I am, I make myself do it. The reason I do this? because I know that eventually I will feel better. I know that I may feel fed up since cleaning is my least favourite thing in the world to do but I feel slightly 'normal' after it and I feel like I have accomplished something. So knowing this as well why do I not just push myself? Force myself to go to bed early, take 10 mins to relax... these are things I know that if I stick to them they will help me in the long run. I can't can't seem to push myself to do them. If there aren't immediate results I lose interest. I still wait for that day where I wake up and I'm magically better deep down though I know that's never going to happen. The only way I can get better is to face up to things I fear, push myself to develop new habits. Everything takes time but I feel that time is something I'm running out of.

Currently, I'm sitting with another box of sertraline (the last one's went in the bin) and wondering if they are the answer. Will the give me some energy to fight my anxiety? Will they ease it? Will they lift the fog that I constantly feel I'm in? I have so many questions and very little answers about how these could possibly help me. Everyone tells me 'Everyone's different' and not knowing what to expect fills me with doubt. Is there any point going down this route if they're not going to help me. Then on the other hand what if they do help me? I've tried everything else, maybe these are the right answer for me. There's a large part of me that is curious about what effects sertraline could have on my anxiety, this site has some pretty positive reviews of sertraline and I wish I could find the courage to take them.

The person I am

When I was younger I always felt that I had to live up to certain expectations. I had to be good & do as I was told, I had to be smart, I wasn't allowed to be angry or even moody there were a million things that I eventually felt that I had to be 'perfect'. I was terrified of getting into trouble or letting people down. If I ever did any of these things I would become extremely embarrassed about getting told off. My parents aren't bad people at all they just wanted the best for me and tried to impose guidelines which would ensue that I would be the best person I could be. I guess I took it too literally. I would do anything to avoid being told off. I would try and say the right thing and do anything to please them. I really didn't want to let them down. If I was told off I kept my mouth shut and never answered back. I think I felt that something catastrophic would happen if I did. Even now I still try to please people. I wouldn't dream of doing anything to intentionally upset people which often backfires on me as I regularly get the piss taken out of me and it hurts.

I never feel I can truly be myself. I think people will dislike or be disappointed in me if I am. People's approval means a lot to me. If someone doesn't like me or falls out with me I always assume it's my fault and again I feel ashamed. I used to buy books which I thought  I should be reading rather than buying the trashy ones that I really wanted to read. I always thought I have to be intelligent, be nice to people and always do the right thing - that's all that mattered. People would always approve of that. The thing is that's not who I want to be anymore. I want to be me. I want to live my life and make mistakes and not feel ashamed for it or continually berate myself for doing so. I want to be wreckless on the odd occasion and not worry about what the consequences may be or what people might think. I'm so fed up of worrying and trying to control every single aspect of my life, which is ironic as I've never felt so out of control as I do know.

It's also ironic that I spent most of my childhood trying to be perfect and behave the way I was supposed to for panic to come along and make everyone more disappointed in me than they would have been if I hadn't done as I was told etc. I never finished high school, never went to uni, don't have a job, friends, no relationship, I start things then never finish them, I can't be relied upon to do things... I could go on but I think you get the jist. I guess I'm coming to realise that you try to be perfect but there's no such thing. Life isn't perfect and obstacles get in the way all the time. I need to learn that it's ok to be the person that I want to be not the person that everyone else wants me to be. It hasn't made me happy. What's the worst that can happen? Would my family stop loving me? I highly doubt it. I want to let go of always wanting everyone's approval. I want to be able to stand up for myself and not get upset by every little thing that happens.

Ironically, I spent a lot of my childhood listening to this album and particularly this song:

It's ok to make mistakes and it's ok for life not to go the way I expected. I am who am and I can't be anyone else.

My fear of dying

This probably a pretty morbid post and I apologise in advance but I do feel this is important for me to write as this is now my main fear and is currently the catalyst for my anxiety and panic. I would give anything to go back to the time when my worst fear during a panic attack was my fear of fainting. In no way am I dismissing a fear of fainting because it was still terrifying but my fear of death never goes away, even when the panic is done.

Before I had panic attacks I always had a fear of death, I suppose most people do, but I rarely thought about. Now though my fear of death is really intense and I think about it all the time, and I really do mean all the time! It never leaves my mind. Even when I feel 'ok' I still think I could die at any minute. Any symptom I get, I start to think 'am I going to die'. I've tried to speak to counsellors and psychologists about it but it's always dismissed as normal. Yeah, I agree, having a fear of death is normal but my fear stops me from living life. Everything I'm afraid to do is because I'm afraid I might die while doing it. I've lost count of the number of times I've read or heard about young, healthy people collapsing and dying and then I start to think why would I be any different - I mean I even feel like I'm dying majority of the time. Walking round the supermarket, my usual thought is 'I could collapse and die here' - and I don't even necessarily have any anxiety or panic symptoms at this point.

I know that one day I'll die and if I think too much into this I can make myself physically sick. Not knowing when that day will come is what makes me anxious. Will I be old, will I be young? I've always thought I'll live till an old age but I always think 'what if?' I suppose I fear it because it's out of my control. The only thing that could have possibly caused this is my panic attacks. I've never lost anyone close to me, which makes me extremely lucky and is something I thank God for every day.

I feel that unless I get this fear under control I'm never going to overcome any of my problems. I pick up on every symptom within my body and I fear them, thinking they may be something that could kill me. If I get a rash I immediately go into a panic attack - I think I have meningitis. A swollen gland - I think I have cancer. If I don't sleep one night I even think this will kill me.

I don't know how I overcome this. Usually I go with the 'face your fear' programme but how do you face a fear of dying? Every time I've overcame my anxiety & agoraphobia it's come back and I believe that this is the reason why. So you would think if I could get this under control my anxiety would go, except I don't know how I overcome my fear of dying.

Apologies if this is too morbid or anxiety-provoking for you but I felt I had to write it.

L x

Why can things not just stay good?

The other night I wrote my blog post and I was feeling happy, content and positive with everything I had achieved... a few hours after writing it my anxiety came back with a bang! I had a huge panic attack and I have a no idea why. After the panic attack fizzled out I was extrememly anxious, to the point that I couldn't relax at all. I went to bed and couldn't sleep... there was no escape. Yesterday, was spent feeling pretty much the same.

Late last night I did start to feel better and my anxiety died down considerably and again my positive thinking was back. I decided that today I had to go out again. There were a million things I needed to get from the supermarket and I decided that I was going to go and actually do it myself rather than rely on internet shopping. I got everything ready; clothes, bag and even my shoes, so it was a case of shower and out the door so that I didn't have time to think too much into everything.

Today I woke up feeling a bit anxious but not enough to stop me from going to do the shopping. My Mum came and picked me up and we set off. I realised for the first time I don't get anxious in the car anymore. A few months ago I felt horrendous anxiety when I was in the car, I felt like I was being suffocated and my stomach would drop all the time. Today was the first time I noticed that I have no anxiety whatsoever which is great. We arrived at the supermarket and I noticed the car park was extremely busy. I started to get anxious and doubted my ability to go in... 'What If I freak out?'.

After feeling that I didn't have a choice and thinking that I really needed to at least try, we went in. It wasn't too bad I did feel a bit panicky but only briefly. I was able to keep it under control and I never got the point where I thought 'I need to leave... NOW' so I started to feel good. I was happy with myself. I was among people and getting all the shopping I needed. A bit like a 'normal' person I suppose!  Even the checkouts weren't a challenge. I felt so happy with myself, until I was leaving the supermarket.

Years ago before my life became completely restricted by my agoraphobia, I used to be able to go out with my friends. I guess they were like 'safe people'. I trusted them and they knew about my panic attacks so I felt reasonably comfortable going out with them. Anyway, on one of these nights out a met a guy who I instantly knew I liked and we got talking. We talked for hours and at the end of the night he asked me out for a drink. I said no. I really wanted to go but I  didn't want to explain my anxiety. I was embarrassed. He wasn't one of my 'safe people'. I knew I would panic and the fear of panicking was greater than my desire to go. Anyway, we kept in touch on facebook and I started to become more and more attracted to him. Eventually though we stopped talking but I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. About a year ago I found out through facebook that he had a girlfriend. When I found out I actually felt sick. I have no idea why I felt this way. It's not like anything happened between us. I basically turned him down, as far as he was aware I wasn't interested. Anyway, tonight when I was leaving the supermarket he and his girlfriend were standing there looking happy and laughing. Any good feeling's I had about what I had just done were gone. It wasn't good enough. I want to be normal, I want to be happy. I want someone to love me. It was bizarre though as last night I found myself thinking about them and how it was good that they wouldn't go to any of the places that I go to and then today to actually see them. What are the odds of that happening?

What I can't understand though is what it was about him that makes me feel so strongly towards him. I've met other guys since but none of  them have came close to what I felt for him. I wish I could get over it because It's never going to happen, I had my chance and I blew it. I don't know how to get over it. I've never felt like this before. I don't know how I deal with it. I've been trying for 2 years now! I feel terrible right now and I don't want to feel like this. I want to move on and I want to meet someone who feels the same about me as I do them.

Out on my own

Last week was an amazing week for me, probably the best I've had in a LONG time. Anxiety didn't seem to be present much, or if it was I didn't notice, think about it or try to analyse every little detail to find out what was causing it. There were things I wanted to do and I was going to do them regardless of 'how I was feeling'. Usually I won't book appointments in advance or arrange things with people as I always want to wait and 'see how I feel' or I find that I feel under pressure and get overly anxious days beforehand so bad that I don't sleep, can't relax at all and usually end up not doing what I had planned. Last week, however, I was on a mission. 

I had been wanting to go for a massage for ages, as months of anxiety and tension was giving me pain in my neck and shoulders and I wanted to see if a massage would relieve it a bit. I noticed a deal on groupon for a salon in my area offering a massage, facial & nails done for a third of the price and I really wanted the massage so I bought the deal. The initial appointment I booked I had to cancel on the day as I was so anxious about it, there was no way I could go. I was so disappointed and angry at myself for letting anxiety win again so I arranged the appointment for the next week. I was determined I was going, there was no way anxiety was stopping me but then came another obstacle; nobody would be available to give me a lift to the appointment, my only option was to get a taxi and go on my own. 'Fine' I told myself ' that's what I'll do' my anxiety was telling me a different story though... 'You can't do it, you haven't went anywhere on your own for years... you'll have the worst panic attack ever... just cancel it and lose the money... you'll feel safe if you don't' These thoughts were constantly in my head. I remembered something my therapist told me to try. She told me not to try and block the thoughts out cause that won't work, but accept them & take them for what they are. They're only thoughts, they aren't rigid facts. I give all my 'scary' thoughts way to much credit. I have a million fleeting thoughts a day and unless they are 'scary' I'm able to pretty much dismiss them. I feel I need to hold onto the scary ones. I guess I feel that if I hold onto them I'll be keeping myself safe because I don't want anything bad to happen and I fear that if I dismiss it something bad will happen to me. I've gave these thoughts control for far too long and it's pretty much wrecked my life. I can't do it anymore. If a 'normal' person went to go outside and thought 'If I go out there something might happen... I might die' They'd be thinking WTF? and then get on with what they were intending on doing. If it happens to me I think 'That's right something could happen. I don't want to go out... at least if I stay here I'll feel better and then if anything did happen nobody would be able to see me'. Then I try to analyse everything that's just happened and it goes round and round in circles. It pretty exhausting and It's no wonder I never feel good. I feel like I'm either constantly anxious, scared or battling with myself to be normal. 

So, anyway - I rambled a bit there! - I made my mind up that I was going and not content with that challenge I decided to book a driving lesson for the same day - 'In for a penny, In for a pound' - I could either set myself up for a complete fail or I could keep thinking that I can do it. I didn't really have anything to lose as I've been anxious almost all of the time the last few months, so I was going for it.

The day came and I felt like the worlds biggest idiot. How on earth was I going to manage hours out on my own followed by a driving lesson??! To say I felt ill would have been an understatement! I got dressed and phoned the taxi. Within 15 minutes of phoning the taxi, I was seated in the salon. It was so busy and I hadn't been prepared for it and the panic started to rise all I could think was that I had to leave. I was given forms to fill out which I could hardly fill in as I was shaking so much. After a 40 minute wait I was finally called into the small room for my massage and facial. It was lit by candles, smelt amazing and relaxation music was playing in the background. I began to think I could do this again. I never fully relaxed during the treatment, I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong at one point I was even thinking what if I have an allergic reaction to the products for the facial! I worry about everything! I had explained to the beautician about my panic attacks and when waiting for the face mask to washed off she give me a mini reiki session. I had been wanting to try reiki but had never got round to it. It did make me feel a bit more relaxed but really that was all I experienced, nothing amazing happened. By the time it came to getting my nails done I was quite relaxed which had me feeling pretty confident about my driving lesson a few hours later.

The driving lesson went well, I was a bit panicky at times but I did manage to keep it under control. We stayed local to ease me back in, which helped a lot since I haven't drove in about a year and was a bit rusty. I've had a fair few lessons before but anxiety, panic & agoraphobia have always got in the way and I've had to end them. This time though I determined to stick with it. I shouldn't be too far away from sitting my test and my theory test runs out in 6 months so I need to pass it within that time so I don't need to resit & pay for another theory test. I did have another lesson tonight and I notice a huge improvement in both my anxiety and my driving! which is good. Ironically thought tonight I had a panic attack right before the lesson but ended up feeling calmer than I did last week! I have another booked for next week and I'm hoping it goes just as well as it did tonight. When I came home tonight I was feeling great. It was fantastic to do something 'normal' and because I noticed an improvement from last week my confidence has grown as well. It's fair to say that at the moment I'm feeling pretty good.

New Background...

...new start! :)

It's quite girly I know, but that represents my personality. The black background seemed like too much 'doom and gloom' especially when what I'm writing about is quite depressing anyway. Looking at it makes me feel quite happy and it doesn't scream 'anxiety' or seem too serious; Also the back background and white text was really uncomfortable to read!

Paul McKenna agoraphobia download

I mentioned months ago that I was going to try and upload the Paul McKenna agoraphobia hypnosis and I completely forgot about it. I had a look yesterday for a free file hosting website and hopefully this will work!

If you click here; this should take you to the site.

I'm not sure if you can download from this site or you have to listen to it online... If anyone who tries it could me know, that would be great.

If you would rather buy it for yourself, you can also do so here.

I really am a huge fan of Paul McKenna and own almost all of his books. They do help and I usually notice a difference after listening to the downloads but at the moment I'm having a problem with relaxing long enough to complete them but with some perseverance I'll get there again eventually.

Enjoy!

L x

Feeling Flat

I've tried the last few weeks to write a post and I usually get half way through and delete it. I can't seem to be able to put what I want to say into words and also I have no motivation whatsoever. For anything. I've suspected that for about the last 11 months I've been a bit depressed. I don't feel suicidal but I do have just about every other symptom. I haven't spoke to anyone about it and when I was given the assessment forms for depression I ticked the boxes that I knew wouldn't class me as being depressed, which is wrong because if your getting help, you always be honest, nothing will ever change or get better if your not open at your sessions. For some reason though I convinced myself that having depression would be the worst thing in the world. I've been there when I was 16 and to be honest I'm scared to go back to that state.

I've never quite felt like this before though, I feel down all the time and I have no hope, which isn't like me. Usually no matter how bad my anxiety is, I always have hope that I will get better and things will be good - That's now gone. I now have no motivation, no enjoyment in anything, I have no energy and everything is a huge effort... It's so bad that I actually have to force myself to go and shower every day! I spend all day wanting to go to bed and sleep to get break from it all. I can't be bothered to cook so I'm eating crap all the time and gaining weight, which is making me feel even more down. Even when I'm not anxious I feel terrible. I feel flat - that's the only way I can describe it. I can't seem to cry anymore which is confusing me; It's like I've become numb. I don't know what to do.

I've also been discharged by the psychologist I was seeing for missing an appointment which made me feel even worse. I know that there are huge waiting lists but surely when you have anxiety and agoraphobia they could make some exception to the rules. I attend most of the time, which is a struggle, but if it means getting better then I'll put myself through the anxiety and panic. Sometimes though it's too much, we all have good days and bad days, It's just that my bad days mean not being able to leave my house.

So now I'm back on the waiting list to see someone else and who knows how long I'll have to wait. I'm annoyed about it, we were only just getting to the stage of helping me deal with my anxiety and now I'll have to start all over again. Back over all the shit that's gone on in my life, which I know they have on file, and I've dealt with what when on in my childhood, so I think it's pointless talking about it for 4 sessions I'd rather just deal with my problems now.

While waiting for that I've been working on the anxiety & panic workbook by Edmund J, Bourne which I think is great for anyone with anxiety but there is a lot of reading in it. I'm also reading/listening to Paul McKenna 'I can make you happy'.  I'm also back on the Kalms, which are helping my anxiety a teeny, tiny bit, nothing ground breaking, but better than nothing I suppose! I still have the Sertraline which I still am intending to take (hopefully at some point before the years out!) but am still scared of potential side effects and haven't found a time where I'll have a spare 2weeks where I don't have anything to do so I can curl up in a ball and want to die, which is what I'm expecting to be like - lol!

On a positive note, over the last 6 weeks I managed to have my wisdom tooth removed, which I avoided for the last 2 years as I was terrified about it! But it's done and it wasn't bad at all - I didn't even have any pain! So lesson learned - don't listen to other people's horror stories!I also managed to have my first ever smear test done which I had avoided for 4 years. It actually wasn't as embarrassing as I had anticipated and I didn't even have a panic attack which I though I would have definitely had. I haven't had the results back yet and waiting for results does make me a little anxious but I'm trying not to think about it too much.

I think that's pretty much everything that's happened lately. I'm booked in for a massage tomorrow. I've been having bad pain in my shoulders and neck, which I think is caused by tension so I'm hoping it will help and make me relax a little more. I'm worried that I'll have a panic attack whilst having the massage but I'll survive, I always do!

Hope your all well

L x

October 2008

Tonight I was clearing out cupboards and I came across a notepad which has coursework from an Open University course I was studying in October 2008. I was just having a look through it and noticed that I had wrote a page about experiencing a panic attack and I thought it was  interesting cause at this point I was having a good phase anxiety wise and in my mind now I always think that during a good phase I don't have panic attacks. Clearly I'm wrong.

"Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time, which I should be thankful for cause some people actually experience this level of anxiety all the time, I honestly couldn't cope with that again! I genuinely thought I was dying. I was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to go and wake my Mum or Dad up or if it really was just a panic attack. I'm scared that if I just ignore the feelings and there is something genuinely wrong with me, I'll die and I don't want to die but at the same time I didn't want to wake my mum or dad up just cause I was having a panic attack. I'm 21 years old now, I should be more independent. 


It's all so confusing. I really don't understand agoraphobia or panic disorder at all! I mean I know what the symptoms, what the common thoughts are and most importantly I know before I enter any anxiety provoking situation, exactly how I'm going to feel. So why the hell does it still scare the shit out of me? Why can't I accept it for what it is? Why do I still hide away inside whenever possible? I should be able to accept the sensations and accept that nothing will happen. It's so frustrating, I have times when I think 'I'm going out and I'll just put up with the feelings even if I really do feel like I'm dying' but then I get scared and don't do it." 


My thoughts and feelings now are pretty much the same as they were then except now I'm anxious all the time, having lots of panic attacks and constantly think I'm dying. Back then I was only anxious about going out. I don't understand what caused my anxiety to get worse. I'm still as confused now as I was then.

Follow me on twitter?

I decided to set up a twitter account for my blog where, if you like, you can follow me and get updates on how things are going with my anxiety, how I'm coping with it, tweets when I'm out etc. It's probably easier to send out regular tweets about what I'm up to rather than keep writing long blogposts cause quite frankly when you're anxious you hardly have the concentration to read them, well I don't anyway.

If you would like to follow me, you can do so here. L x

Again!

Today I made it to the shop again. Was a bit more anxious but I wasn't feeling too great anyway I had an anxious night last. Health anxiety is playing up quite a bit right now but I suppose I've got to just get on with it. I'm pleased that I made it to the shop again. I'm going to keep going with it until I'm comfortable and don't have to think it through every time I go. When I accomplish this, It's time to go a bit further. In the meantime though I'm really pleased with my progress.

More anxious in the house than I am outside?

The last few days I've came to the conclusion that lately I've been far more anxious in the house than I have been when I've been out, which is a strange turn of events. Today I never got to the shop before it closed so about an hour ago the dog was due his last walk and I thought a way to keep things going in the right direction would be to walk to the shop with the dog even though it was closed, which I did and again it was pretty much anxiety free. Although it was a bit creepy so late at night as there was nobody around. Here's where I'm confused ... I came in the house and this feeling of dread came over me. I love my house and I always want to get back to it. It has everything that makes me comfortable, but at the moment I seem to be having a problem being in it. I don't know if it's just too quiet or whether it's because I know I'm on my own but it's like I'd rather be out than in. 

When I'm in the house I'm lonely and I get all these anxious thoughts whereas lately when I've been out I've not been so anxious. I've tried putting music on in the background, washing machine, tv ... anything that makes noise to see if this helps but it doesn't. Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't really know how to distract myself anymore and then I start to think that perhaps boredom is causing me to have anxious thoughts? My brain has nothing to focus on. I know that a lot of the focus in The Linden Method is centered around keeping your brain busy, filling all your time so that you don't get anxious. For the psychologist, I've had to to keep an activity and rest diary, to see what I do with my day (which isn't a lot!) and then we look to see what activities we can add to it so that I'm doing something every day. At the moment, I'm supposed to be walking the dog every day or 10 mins exercise. Majority of the time I've walked the dog, because that has to be done and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I can feel my confidence growing and I'm going places I haven't walked in years. I definitely wouldn't have had the courage to attempt walking to the shop if I hadn't been walking the dog every day.

I do feel a bit disheartened that I didn't get into the shop today to buy anything but I did still walk there and for me that's a huge success. In the past I would have gave up. I would have thought 'the shop's closed what's the point?' It would have basically been all black or white. This time I refuse to do that. I want and need to get my life back and that basically means giving myself a kick up the ass and forcing myself to get out and do something. 

Even though I'm not venturing far walking the dog or walking to the shop the important thing is that I'm doing it on my own and I think that's why my confidence is growing. When I go to the supermarket, I always have my Mum (safe person) or someone else in my family with me so I always know there's help there if and when I need it. I can't wait for the day when I can go to the supermarket on my own!  

I don't get it.

Today has been a huge success but has also been a bit of a downer. The huge success was that I was able to go out for a family meal and actually feel partly 'normal' for quite a bit of it. Anxiety did set in towards the end of the meal but it was bearable and I was actually able to finish a meal in public! This is a huge deal. Usually if I'm eating in public, after a few bites my stomach is in knots and I literally cannot swallow anymore food. So to actually be able to eat a meal is amazing! The restaurant was quite busy but there was plenty of space so I wasn't feeling too claustrophobic which was definitely helpful. Another good sign was that I didn't have to use the toilets. Usually when I go into somewhere the first thing I do is find out where the toilets are 'just in case' and then proceed to make several trips, trying to decrease my anxiety but tonight I didn't have to. I didn't try going to the shops today as I knew I was going to go out for dinner and didn't want to push myself too much but I will be back to trying to go to the shop tomorrow.

This is what's bothering me, since I've came home tonight my anxiety levels have been quite high. My health anxiety in particular has increased considerably. Not sure if I blogged about this, but for the last 6 weeks I've been having throat problems and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms of throat cancer. Now, I'm only 24 and I don't smoke and very rarely drink so I am aware that the chances of me having throat cancer are very slim but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. I went to the doctor last week and she told me she thought it was caused by my tooth. I disagree and I don't feel she done a thorough check of my throat. Anyway, today after I came out the shower I coughed up a bit of blood. This immediately sent me into a panic. I tried to fill out a panic attack thought record (similar to this one),  which the psychologist gave me to fill in when I had a panic attack, and under the part where you write a rational thought I couldn't think of any rational thought as to why I was coughing up blood. I can usually always think of something rational to put in the box but surely coughing up blood isn't a good sign? To top it off I also had bleeding in my bowel movements again tonight which I'm not overly anxious about as I'm starting to believe this is caused by internal hemorrhoids but my doctor did say that if it happened again he would recommend a scope - which I'm not feeling too great about! I just feel that at the moment my body seems to be falling apart. It feels that just when I'm getting better mentally, my body is giving up. At times I just wish I could get a break. Something always seems to go wrong and it's exhausting constantly trying to battle through it. If it's not my mind, it's my body etc. It's hard not to just think 'fuck it' and just give up. I don't plan on giving up but today has definitely been one of those testing days.

Scared to tempt fate

I'm still not feeling great but I can feel myself slowly getting back to 'normal'. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been minimal throughout the last week since I've been ill. I don't know why really ... perhaps to exhausted to be anxious? I don't know ... Anyway, yesterday I was getting a bit pissed off at not being out in the last few days, I think Thursday was the last time I had went out, so I decided I was attempting the shop again. I didn't give myself too long to think about it so that I couldn't build up all the 'what if's...' in my head and scare myself senseless which would inevitably result in me not even attempting it. So I got myself ready and set off. The 'what if's...' quickly entered my head and I started to get breathless - honestly, you would have thought I'd just ran a marathon rather than walked about 30 steps from my door. I managed to get halfway there and I met a neighbour. Not going to lie, I was relieved to see her. My anxiety died down quite a bit and I continued to walk with my neighbour. The embarrassment of having to leave in front of someone is worse for me than actually continuing to go and feeling anxious. I made it to the shop and I started to feel positive. I had made it again! I don't ever seem to worry about walking home; a) because I'm on a high from getting there and not collapsing, panicking, dying, losing my sanity; and b) because getting home always seems quicker.

So today, my mission again was to get to the shop again. Like yesterday, I managed it. The weird thing though is I was more anxious again today. Perhaps just because I'm having more time to think about it. My plan is to keep this up everyday. Even if I'm not feeling right. I've avoided going to this shop for the last 8 years and right now it seems really stupid that I thought it was so scary. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to avoid it for all this time. I could have done this years ago and proved to myself that there was nothing to be scared of. It's making me see that all these rigid beliefs that I hold about my anxiety aren't set in stone and the foundations are starting to wobble. I'm now doubting these beliefs. The terrifying things that I tell myself that might happen probably won't. I used to tell myself that I would die if I walked to that shop - That's how I felt. I've been 4 times in the last week and a half and all that's happened is I've felt anxious. My anxiety hasn't even got that bad that I've felt I have to sit in the street (which embarrassingly has happened in the past!).

I'm not anxiety free at the moment which is confusing me. In the past when I've started to do things that scare me I've always noticed that my general anxiety pretty much disappears and I feel completely 'normal' in the house but this isn't happening at the moment. I'm actually more anxious in the house however, in the past I didn't live on my own and I'm starting to think that this is what's causing the anxiety. I also had friends that I could call and have a chat then. Now, I'm not in contact with anyone and a lot of the time I'm feeling bored, lonely and a bit scared if I'm honest. I'm scared that I'll be on my own forever. Anyway, enough of that going to keep this positive! I was a little bit hesitant to blog about my successes. I know that I could allow everything to come crashing down around me and I could let anxiety stop me doing things and I'd be back to square one but for some reason this time feels different. I feel more determined and I can feel my fear dissipating. I am still scared to tempt fate though! 

Still feeling positive

I'm ill at the moment and haven't managed to get out the last 2 days - I am actually really, physically ill, not my usual anxious 'ill'. I can myself starting to get better which is great. I can't wait till I feel human again. I'm really surprised though that I've not been anxious though. Health anxiety causes me to be extremely anxious almost all of the time when I feel fine so when I am actually really ill, it usually moves up a gear but this time I've not really been anxious. I've had a couple of 'what if...?' moments but for the majority I've accepted that it's just a bug and within a few days it will pass. I'm feeling bad about not getting out but it genuinely can't be helped in this case, to just sit up straight has my head in agony. As the day has went on though I can feel myself starting to get a bit better so hopefully the worst is over!

Despite this though I am feeling really positive at the moment. I feel like I can cope again - always a good thing! -  I don't feel like my life is going to be like this forever. I've been listening to music again, I've been able to hold a conversation and last night I got so engrossed in a tv programme I forgot to 'check' for any symptoms I was having. All positive signs. I'm still on the lookout for anxiety creeping back up but at the moment it's manageable. At the back of my mind I'm still thinking it can come back just as easily as it went away although I also realise that if I keep thinking about it and fearing it, I will cause myself to be anxious again. The best thing I can do is accept that it probably will come back and when it does I'll be fine.

I'm hoping to be feeling better tomorrow to start my target of going to the shop since I proved to myself the other day that I can do it and I can even do it without feeling anxious!

L x

Going in the right direction

Today has been good, far from anxiety free but I feel positive and feel like I can handle life again. I had a doctors appointment to discuss the bowel problems that I was having a few months ago and also to discuss my new fear - throat cancer. We went over all my test results and they've all came back 'perfect' which I very reassuring and also tells me that it's all ANXIETY! I also had my oxygen levels checked, which I've never had done before, and again perfect - 99%. so why can I not just accept that it's anxiety and move on with my life? I'm thinking the worst and I'm making myself feel I'll. Yes, I am hbing some symptoms but they're nothing serious. My painful throat is actually a result of a tooth that need extracted so, grudgingly I've had to make an appointment for the dentist but that's another phobia all together, let's just say I don't think my dentist will be lookin forward to seeing me! We also discussed anxiety treatment and she thinks I really should give the sertraline a try. The worst thing that can happen to me is an allergic reaction which apparenty is highly unlikely and if I get bothersome symptoms I just stop them. I definitely felt a lot better after talking with the doctor although I probably shouldn't be relying on reassurance to make me feel better.

ItDid make me feel better and afterwards I went shopping to get essentials, it was completely panic free but still had anxiety and a few wobbly moments but I managed it and I was fine. It wasn't horrendous. I got home and realised I had forgot to get milk, my instant reaction was to ask someone to go for me but then I decided that I woul attempt to go on my own. I did mange to do this a few weeks back but it was terrifying but I did get there and back and tonight I done the same except this time it was panic and anxiety free! I've not walked to that shop feeling like that in about 8 years. Not going to lie it felt amazing and I actually gelt 'normal'. I didn't have to rely on someone else to do something for me, I was able to do it for myself. So the plan now is to do this every day. I proved to myself that I can do it. Some days I may be wobbly but there will also be days like today when I get to feel normal again.

This may also be helpful

How I'm going to beat it

Source

I came across this tonight and thought it was a very simple and  in a way, a positive outlook on agoraphobia .. . there's no doom and gloom! I often wish that in the beginning I hadn't looked up so much about about agoraphobia and anxiety & panic, there were so many negative stories about it all that I ended up terrified and began to believe that I couldn't overcome it. Even now trying to find a positive story on agoraphobia is difficult, unless someone is selling a 'cure' - The only person that can cure it, is you! Something that has  took me a long time to accept. I'm not going to magically wake up one day and be 'better', I need to actively do things and I know that I will lose heart when I feel things are getting better fast enough but I just need to push through it and keep going ... accept that there will be good and bad days. I know I can do it. I have before, 5 years ago, after 2 years of agoraphobia I got on a plane and left the country! How I managed it I don't have a clue but I can say that that week away was the most liberating thing I've ever done and I really want to have that feeling again. I just need to get off my backside and face my fear.

I will beat this!

I've been feeling a bit ... flat? lately - that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I've been down and I've been allowing myself to sink more and more into my anxiety. I probably only realised last night just how bad I've let myself become again. I would say I'm disappointed in myself but in all honesty that's not helpful. I'm making a pact with myself tonight that I'm going to try my hardest to get myself back out of the dark hole I've been hiding in for the last 9 months. I'm not allowed to beat myself up for the way my life has turned out, it happened all I can do now is learn from it and move on. I'm not allowed to hate myself for being anxious and for not being 'normal'. Who actually is normal anyway?

I'm still very, very anxious but I feel more positive today and I feel a fresh determination that I can get my life back on track. It might take a while but I'll get there.

My thoughts are driving me mad!

For about 8 months now I've been suffering from severe anxiety, it's hard to believe that this time last year I had minimal anxiety. I would give anything to go back there, what's worse is that I took it for granted then. I still couldn't go out on my own and still didn't have any friends etc, but it really didn't seem to bother me that much now, however it bothers me a lot. By the time this year ends I will be 24, one year away from my 'scary' age and I've achieved nothing. This also marks my 8th year of fighting agoraphobia! I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up miraculously 'cured'. Now, everything is bothering me. I don't want to be 24, I feel like I'm getting old, it doesn't help that everyone keeps reminding me of this fact and when will I get a boyfriend, job, kids etc. It's too much pressure. I give myself enough pressure, I certainly don't need hearing it from everyone else.

I feel this pressure that I HAVE to get better and I HAVE to get better NOW and the more I think this the more anxious I become. It's almost like I feel I'm running out of time. I don't know how to fix it. I spoke with the psychologist about this but he just said that this was normal -that was it, which I didn't find too helpful. We're currently also working on keeping an activity diary to look at what I do on a daily basis - which quite frankly is nothing! It is making me a bit down to look at my life in black and white. Basically I spend my days online, reading, watching tv or cleaning. That's it. So the next part of the task was to do something once a day i.e. exercise, go a walk or just leave the house and go somewhere. This has also been a challenge. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, me going out isn't as easy as everyone else. I need my Mum to be able to go out and lately she has been busy so I've probably only managed to get out about 3 times a week. When we do go out too it's always to the same places: supermarkets! Good for increasing my exposure to them but it's getting monotonous now and when I'm bored my anxiety shoots up. There is literally nowhere else I can go. As for the exercise, I've spoke about my phobia of this, and most of the time I really struggle to do any exercise. The two reasons for this are: I believe I have a heart problem and when I exercise it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm making excuses about not being able to do them so it's got to the stage where I lie when I go to sessions which I shouldn't because It won't help me but I'm afraid that they will say I'm not trying hard enough and stop my sessions like the last psychologist did.

My head feels like it's one big jumble of thoughts that are all muddled up and I don't where to start to sort them all out! Mostly they're about how much of a mess my life is. Every single area of my life is f*cked, there's  not one that I am 'normal'. I read/talk to agoraphobics that are able to work, have relationships, have friends, have kids and while I'm happy that they that they have these things in their lives I can't help but be envious. I have none of these things and I don't want to feel sorry for myself but it would be nice for something good to happen in my life. It's been years since someone so much as gave me a cuddle. Every conversation I have revolves around anxiety, money problems, my problems or other peoples problems. There's nothing fun and I miss that a lot. Everything is so serious all the time. I also can't help but think all this is what's contributing to my anxiety and if it is, I can have all the CBT in the world but I doubt it'll help.

This has been a bit of a whiny/woe is me post, which doesn't make for great reading but it's how I'm feeling and it's a true account of what I'm going through with my anxiety. I do however, have a positive thing to end with. I actually made myself walk to the shop on my own. This wouldn't be a big deal to most people as it's a short distance from my house but to me it's a really big deal. To me, the walk to the shop was always an unattainable goal - I don't know why because I've done things which have been a lot harder - and I was really happy that I done it. It's made it seem much more achievable and I've set myself a goal that I want to have walked there again twice by Friday, although to achieve this, the bloody weather will have to improve. Being battered with rain and wind whilst feeling dizzy and having a case of the jelly legs doesn't sound appealing.

Hope you are all well!

L x

Still Here

Things have been a little chaotic lately and blogging has been far from my mind. I've also been on a bit of an internet ban as I was relying a bit too much on Dr Google and my health anxiety was taking over my every thought, so I avoided the internet! Which I thought would be easy since avoidance is my forte, but apparently not! It's amazing how much I rely on the internet for everything. It's a bit of a blessing and a curse!

Anyway, I've been seeing the psychologist now for a couple of months and I have noticed a slight improvement in my anxiety, which is good but I haven't had an appointment in about 2 weeks now and don't have another till next week and I can feel the anxiety begin to creep up. Tonight I've been really anxious and cancer thoughts have been playing on my mind so I haven't slept yet! So obviously the appointments are helping. My 'homework' I get is a bit difficult as I'm not used to routine but I'll blog about that in a separate post.

I also went and got the blood tests done eventually!! They came back normal but for the first time ever I don't feel any relief. Instead I feel that they've missed something or that I have cancer and it can't be detected. I don't really know what blood tests show. I really was ill going to get blood taken but I done it and I survived!

I still haven't taken any of the medication I was prescribed - The psychologist is planning on working on this issue with me to see if I would benefit from the meds. He seems to think the diazepam would be beneficial but in all honesty I'm scared of any medication. Even if I'm in pain I suffer it.

I do plan on doing a proper post but thought I'd just do a little update just now. Hope you are all well! x

The brief moments where I feel 'normal'

I had one tonight. They never last long, usually just a couple of minutes. They really are great though. When it happened earlier on I was joking with my sister and I actually genuinely laughed and for a brief moment I felt like the old me. When I notice it has happened I feel positive. During these moments anxiety, panic, agoraphobia an the state of my health aren't consuming my thoughts. It proves to me that I feel the way I do because of anxiety and I start to believe I can beat it! Right now I feel the most comfortable just living and being me, than I have done in a long while. Here's hoping it lasts!

Apologies...

For the negative tone at the moment. It was never my intention for this blog but unfortunately just after I started it things started going wrong and anxiety started creeping back. I hope things start to get more positive soon and that nobody is getting sick of my moaning yet!

Also the posts probably lose direction a lot. I usually struggle when I start to write a post. I know what I want to say but struggle to articulate it but I'm sure I'll get there. I don't read back over what I've wrote until after I publish it so everything I write I exactly how and what I'm thinking and feeling. Basically you could say that my blog posts represent my brain lol, It's a bit messy in there! Quite confusing, makes no sense half the time and jumps from one thought to another!!

My posts are getting further and further apart...

I've not had anything to write lately mainly because nothing much has been happening and also because I've not been in the mood to communicate with anyone. My anxiety has died down considerably and I'm at that stage where I'm constantly thinking 'How did I let it get that bad again?'. I always swore that I would never go back to that place I was in years ago and I genuinely believed I wouldn't but for whatever reason something happened towards the end of Feb/beginning of March and sucked me straight back into that overwhelming anxiety and I had forgot how to deal with it. I don't actually even know how I got myself back out of it but I am and that's the main thing.

I'm about to contradict myself here... I'm incredibly lonely just now but at the same time I can't be bothered talking to anyone or interacting with them, at all. Not that I have many people that I can talk to anyway. I seem to be feeling a 'blah' and a stuck. I don't know what to do with my life. It feels like every direction or decision I take/make is wrong and I end up paying the consequence for it, mainly through my anxiety. All my enjoyment of things seems to have vanished. I rarely listen to music anymore, I hardly read and It's a huge effort to get myself dressed - mainly cause I don't see the point. I'm not going out and I hardly see anyone. Doing nothing every day is getting me down too. I have no structure and nothing to focus on. All my days blur into one. It feels like I sit about all day waiting to go to bed. I hate bedtime because that's when I get anxious. 'Will I get to sleep?'...'what if I don't sleep'...'I'm sure my heart is beating too fast'....'I'm going to die'...'I'm scared' - These are the general thoughts I now get at bedtime and this viscous circle goes on for hours and I wonder why I can't sleep. 


Bizarrely the last 3 nights I have dreamt that I was pregnant, which I'm definitely not! So I looked it up online. Apparently to dream you are pregnant 'symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal' - Is it just me or does anyone else relate everything that they see or read to their anxiety? I have no idea what it can mean but I definitely hope that one area of my life 'grows and develops' I'm not even fussy about which area it may be!


 I'm still only young but I feel so old. I feel like I'm never going to get my life back. How do you rebuild your life after anxiety and agoraphobia? I've not been out in the big bad world on my own in 6 years. I've always had protection and someone there to help me feel safe. How do you make friends? How do you get a job? ... I've not got any work experience and I have no qualifications except 8 GCSE's/standard grades which effectively count for nothing. My dream was to go to uni and anxiety came at a crucial point in my education and  uni wasn't an option anymore. Everyone tells me I can still go but it's not the same as I planned and It's more complicated now. I have my own house and part of my rent is paid for me because I live on benefits so going to uni isn't an option because I wouldn't know how I would cope, I would have to give up my benefits and would have to rely financially on myself. A part time job wouldn't be enough to support myself and pay my rent and getting a full time job with no qualifications still isn't enough to support me and pay my rent! How does that work out? Last year someone working for the Job Centre Plus actually told me my only option was to have a baby! I know I'm not ready to work or be in education full time but these are the worries I have. I feel that the only was I can overcome this now is to force myself to go into the big bad world and work. What I've been doing all this time hasn't been working and I'm running out of options and it feels like I'm running out of time too. 

It's been a while...

since I last wrote. Things have been weird. My anxiety has either been really awful or non-existent... there's been nothing inbetween. One day can be hell and the next I can be very manageable. This is really unusual for me, I either have periods of being fine or having severe anxiety... not changing on a daily basis. Who knows what's going on! I really wish it would piss off though!

I'm actually really worried about my health at the moment. I always worry about my health and at my first appointment with the psychologist I was diagnosed with health anxiety, which does make sense as my health is what I  really worry about all the time. However, this time is different. Usually when I worry about something being wrong with me I get anxious and panicky about it but deep down I kind of know that it's just my anxiety. Just now I am 100% convinced that I have cancer. I'm still having the rectal bleeding on and off, and I've developed new symptoms which are really worrying me. I'm sweating all the time and waking up during the night soaked through with sweat. I've been thinking that it's summer and it'll be warmer know but I don't think that's what it is. I'm also getting stomach pains now which I hadn't been having. Last week I also have severe pain in my back and my hip and it felt like there was something there but I couldn't feel anything. Cancer seems to be everywhere at the moment (or I'm just looking out for it) and it's like I can't get away from it. I really am terrified. I can't even explain how terrified I am. When I think about it I actually go cold and numb and I feel sick to my stomach. I worked up the courage to go for the blood tests 2 weeks ago but they wouldn't take me because my card said it was non-urgent and they would only take urgent blood tests. They then wouldn't let me make an appointment to go for the tests. I was told that I would have to come back and sit all day to wait for them to get done. There's no way I can do that with the way my agoraphobia is at the moment, getting there the first time was hard enough. I did hand in a stool sample (lovely) which came back fine but I don't know what this was tested for so I don't know what that means. I know I need to get the bloods done and I am planning on going next week. I'm scared of getting the results for them too. What if there is something? I don't think I could cope with that. I've spent the last 7 years not coping with a 'what if there was something wrong with me?' worry which has taken over my whole life.

I'm on my own majority of the time as well which isn't helping at all. I have nothing to distract me. I just sit and worry all the time. When I do have company I'm still half away in my own little world. When I do get to the stage where I'm panicking I have nobody I can talk to and take my mind off it. I think that's the worst part of my anxiety and agoraphobia - I've lost everybody that was in my life. I'm just pretty much on my own all the time. It's difficult. My friends were always really important to me and not having them in my life is really difficult to cope with. I miss laughing...I miss having stupid problems that I used to have. I can remember a time when having a spot was the end of the world. I often wish I was one of those people who just don't think about anything and do what they want. I suppose I just want to be 'normal' and not put myself through hell all the time.

An example of how bad my anxiety is

I've not been sleeping well again - This time rather than not being able to get to sleep at all. I've been falling asleep and waking up 4/4 and half hours later and not being able to get back to sleep. It's taking its toll now and I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5am and I feel I have no energy and I don't want to do anything at all. 

A little while ago I was starting to feel anxious due to being so tired so I got my make up out and decided that I would play about with that as a way to distract myself (currently trying to find new hobbies as none of my distraction techniques are working!). Playing about with the make up was actually quite a good distraction from the anxiety I was experiencing. However, I started to notice my throat was sore and I started coughing quite badly. A lot of phlegm came up and I went to the bathroom to spit it out. When I looked in the sink I spotted what I thought was blood. Instantly I went into to panic mode and had a full blown panic attack. In my head I thought 'I really do have cancer and now it's spread', 'am I going to die?', 'omg, I'm on my own. Nobody is here to help me'. It took me 15 minutes to realise that it was actually the red lipstick I had put on earlier. So I caused myself to panic for no reason at all. I'm obviously constantly looking out for 'danger' and the smallest thing is setting the panic off. That was half an hour ago and I'm still shaking and feel even more exhausted because I had a panic attack. I'm so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just try and think of a rational explanation for things before I go into panic mode? Although it doesn't feel like I get much time to think, my body just seems to react. As soon as I saw the red I felt all the blood drain out of my body. I'm so tired of being like this. 

Cancer?

I've mentioned previously that for a while I've been suffering with stomach problems. To be honest I had put these down to my heightened state of anxiety in recent months although when I started to have rectal bleeding a few weeks ago I started to panic and decided that it would be best if I saw my doctor.

My appointment was last week. Which I managed to go to with little anxiety which was an achievement especially considering how embarrassing it was. I was asked a lot of general questions about my symptoms  and was then given a rectal examination - which wasn't actually that painful or uncomfortable just humiliating. It was quick however! The doctor informed me that she would check for hemorrhoids or any cancerous lumps - which was a big mistake. I expected to be told I was too young to have cancer and that I was being stupid to be worrying. A big part of me was expecting to be told it was due to hemorrhoids and to be sent home with a cream - This didn't happen. After the examination I was told everything looked fine. I went into anxious mode after the mention of cancer and eventually had to ask if it was likely that it could be cancer. The reply I got was that it would be highly unlikely but not impossible. What the hell does that mean? I was told to make an appointment to have blood tests and hand in a stool sample.

I was supposed to go and get blood taken on Friday but I never went. I'm absolutely terrified. What if they come back and say that they've found something? I don't think I could cope with that. I'm now putting off going for the tests all together now. On the other hand if it was nothing, it would be a relief to know. It could be one less thing to worry about. At the moment I'm constantly looking out for cancer symptoms and checking any aches or pains I'm having or if i'm feeling nauseous...anything basically! I feel I'm going mad to be honest and I'm really really scared.

Exercise exposure - day 2

Today I managed to improve on yesterday's results - not by much but it's a step in the right direction. So today the results are 6 mins 41 seconds, 55.9 calories burned and distance cycled was 1.77km. It may not seem like very much to most people but to me it is. My heart was racing towards the end but it wasn't all that uncomfortable to be honest which is a good sign. Looking forward to see if I can build on it tomorrow.

Overcoming My Exercise Phobia

One of the many phobia's that I've developed since having panic disorder and agoraphobia is a phobia to exercise. The reason for this is due to the fact that my anxiety causes me to believe that I have a heart problem so in my mind if I exercise, it will put a strain on my heart and basically I'll collapse and die. So I avoid exercise at all cost - actually I avoid anything that makes my heart race or anything that could put a strain on my heart.

I can't remember when I developed this phobia. I do remember at one point reading in the news about a lot of young people collapsing and dying from heart problems (SAD) while exercising and I suppose my brain picked up on this. Since I've had the phobia there have been two young people that my Dad knows who have died from this, one was 20 and the other 19, both appeared to be in perfect health but one day just collapsed and that was it. I my head I just thought it could happen to me. For it supposedly being so rare what are the odds of hearing about 2 people it has happened to? I worry about my heart almost all the time and I find it scary how quickly someone can go from being healthy to dead.

When I was 15 my doctor was concerned that I had a fast heart rate and wanted to investigate it - at this point my anxiety wasn't that bad so I thought it would be nothing - so I was sent to have an ECG. The results weren't explained to me I was just told that everything seemed ok and that was it. Two years ago I was sent for another ECG because of the fast heart rate again and also because I was having palpitations. Again I was told everything seemed fine my heart rate was just fast but it was in a steady rhythm. My worry is, how reliable is an ECG? Surely nothing will show up unless I'm actually having palpitations at the time. This fear has caused me to live and behave like I do have a heart problem.

Yesterday I decided that enough was enough. I've been behaving like this for almost 7 years! If I ever want to get better I'm going to have to work through my fears and I'm starting with exercise. I do own my own exercise equipment so that's good I can start off in the house and build my confidence and eventually I hope to be able to go to the gym so that not everything is centered around staying indoors. I own a treadmill, exercise bike and dumbbells etc. Quite a lot of rubbish actually for someone who is phobic exercise but I always thought that if I could get into a regular exercise routine my anxiety would lessen a lot. So much like the same way as you would undergo exposure therapy when going outside, I'm going to gradually expose myself to exercise. So today I started with the exercise bike. I managed 5 mins and 32 secs before I started to get uncomfortable so I stopped before it escalated into panic. I now have something to build on. It's going to take a huge effort to keep it up I'm rubbish at sticking to things. I guess I just need to remind myself of how much I want to get better and that, depressingly, I'm not getting any younger and there's so much I want to do.

Small steps and General worrying

So it's been a good few weeks since I was last out (never thought i'd go back to that again!) to be honest the thought of going out is making me severely anxious and ill again so I've been avoiding it! Wrong thing to do I know but I seem to have lost all my energy to fight it at the moment. I'm hoping it makes an appearance again soon! Anyway yesterday my mum seemed to have had enough of me not doing anything to fight the way the I was feeling so I was made to go a drive in the car. We didn't drive far, it was about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back. I wasn't as anxious as I had anticipated but it was a constant battle with my anxious brain to stop thinking of all the possible terrifying things that could have possibly happened. I did manage it though and I feel more positive - after all it wasn't what I had expected, although it never is!

I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!

Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.

Feeling shattered

It was 8 o clock last night before I finally managed to get to sleep. That was over 30 hours I wake awake and I felt terrible. The only good thing was eventually I was too exhausted to be anxious! I managed to sleep from 8pm until 3.30am so my body obviously needed it.

Today I'm still exhausted, I did manage to get another couple of hours sleep but it hasn't helped lifting the tiredness. I'm a bit anxious about it but I'm assuming yesterday was a bit of a strain physically and mentally and that I'll be fine. I really can't wait to go to bed tonight. I've not done anything today. I'd say that my anxiety is still high - and being made worse by worrying about the sleep situation. Honestly you can't win with anxiety there's always something to worry about, although I have has a headache and been feeling sick all day and yet I'm not worrying about - weird! Really hoping I'll be feeling a lot better by tomorrow.

So I did survive that anxiety episode thankfully and nothing bad did happen apart from me feeling a bit silly now and panicking because I haven't slept. I was feeling quite relieved yesterday as I had received a letter with an appointment with a psychologist through the nhs. I thought that I would have had to wait around 6 months for an appointment but I was only referred 5 weeks ago and the appointment is in 2 weeks time. Hopefully this will help. The last I saw a psychologist was in 2008 but I was in a bad place then and struggled to even walk from the car to the building so I'm hoping it will be more effective this time.

Currently

Lying on the kitchen floor criPpled with anxiety. I'm scared to stand up cause I'm so dizzy and weak. I'm in the house on my own and I have nobOdy I can call. I'm terrified I'm gOing to die. This is hell. Writing this on my Phone Praying that the distractiOn will ease the anxiety. I really wish I had someone I could talk to I'm rubbish at distracting myself and I'm scared something is going to happen to me and there will be noone here to help. I'm so tired but can't sleep for the anxiety. My stomach has been Playing up again and I've convinced myself that I have cancer even though it's highly unlikely at 24. I've been googling a lot lately which really should be proof that my anxiety has increased. Why the hell do I listen to google rather than my doctor anyway?! I tried to make a list earlier of evidence to prove that it was anxiety but I was too anxious to even do that. The positiOn I'm lying in on the floor is making the tension worse too. I really need this to pass.

A good day at last!

Today I woke up feeling quite positive, not sure why but I'm definitely not complaining! A good day was long overdue. It feels like I've been living in the huge bubble full of fear, anxiety and just gloom and doom in general for the last few months. So today I'm feeling relieved and really confident that everything will be ok and the bad days will get less and less again. Well here's hoping anyway!

I have been trying to analyse what's caused this increase in anxiety and I can't find anything except I've had problems with money. I hate talking about money and in particular about receiving benefits but I'm really angry and confused about how they work the whole system.
Up until last August I had been receiving incapacity benefit but I failed to attend one of the medicals that you have to go to whilst claiming incapacity benefit. My doctor faxed a letter to the relevant people explaining that due to my condition I couldn't travel to get there. She also made a request for a home visit which was rejected. So I was taken off that benefit - I am currently waiting on an appeal against that decision although who knows how long that will take. So in November I was told to apply for income support by an adviser so that's what I done but then in February I received a letter saying I wasn't entitled to income support and that it was being stopped. So I was then told to apply for for Employment and Support allowance which I did.  However, there's now problems with that too. I received a letter on Saturday saying that they wouldn't pay me that benefit. So today I phoned to see why and they told me that I have to go to the medical before they will pay me any money.

The big problem is that the place where the medical is held is 22 miles from my house and would take roughly 35 mins to get to in a car. Now that is impossible for me to get to. If I could bloody travel I wouldn't be claiming benefits but yet nobody seems to be able to understand this. Not being able to leave my house is my disability! And there's no compromise. I've had numerous faxes, medical lines and requests made for a home visit by my doctor but none of it matters. If I want any help I need to get to the medical. It's so frustrating! I would LOVE to be capable of working even if it was the crappiest job in the world, it would mean I was able to live a 'normal' life but the reality is that at the moment I'm not and I need financial help. At the moment I'm lucky enough to have family to rely on but I feel terrible for it and I'm only borrowing money if i'm desperate i.e. for food and bills. Even though I know i'll never starve or not be able to pay a bill I still find myself worrying. What if nothing gets sorted and I don't get any money... I have a house to keep ... what will I do? etc. Frankly it's stress that I don't need! This has been going on for about 8 months on and off and is the only thing I can think of that's increased my anxiety.

Anyway enough of the rant! I actually was going to write about the benefit situation before but every time I tried to write it I got stressed and anxious but today I'm feeling ok about it. I'm still angry but I will cope and it will get sorted. I'm actually just relieved that my anxiety has been reduced a bit. So to make the most of it I went a run in the car with my Mum and I even went into a shop on my own! Luckily it was quiet so I was only in for a couple of minutes but still I done it and it's something I wouldn't have done this time last week so there's definitely an improvement! I was feeling quite good after that and even took the dog a walk - now I don't walk the dog that far from my house I tend to just walk up and down the street although it is a long street but I do have my restrictions about how far I will go but the distance I walk now is a lot further than when we first got him. I did get a bit panicky whilst on the walk - I met a neighbour who stopped for a chat. I get a bit panicky when having a one-on-one conversation in general so when I'm outdoors my anxiety is magnified. However, I did manage to chat (whilst feeling a bit wobbly with the dog pulling me - great combo!) for at least 10 minutes and then she had to go. I then finished the walk and went home feeling rather good to be honest.

Free CBT online Course - Panic Center

I recently had a chat with my doctor about treatment for panic and agoraphobia etc, and he suggested looking at some online courses  which can help just now while my anxiety is as bad and because there's a huge waiting list for any kind of treatment. The one that was suggested was living life to the full which I had completed a few years ago. So anyway I decided to have a look about online and see what else was available and I came across the Panic Center which I like the look of. I haven't had a proper look about but I have signed up and completed the questionnaire - I really hate doing those! - I was quite surprised by the results.  


The results show that I show symptoms of the following:

So basically I show symptoms in all areas! Not sure if that makes me feel worse or not! So after receiving your results back - which are more detailed that that - you are taken to your customized programme to begin.  You must read Session 1: Understanding Panic but after that you can chose which sections you want to read. 

Here's what my programme looks like: 

When I'm anxious I have to say my ability to read isn't all that great but I'm going to persevere. I need my anxiety to significantly reduce, I'm really not coping at all and I do want to start the medication but I constantly think I'm going to die for no reason whatsoever and I know that if I take the medication while I'm this bad I will make myself stop taking it. I just want to be able to get through the day without this constant fear! 

Things have gotten worse

I started to write a post last week all about how bad things have got but then I realised that the whole point of this blog was to focus on the positive things I achieve and not to focus on the bad, so I decided that I wouldn't publish that post. To be honest I've wrote enough negative things on here already and the internet is full of negative stories and I certainly don't want to add to it.

I know I'm not giving a full account of coping with my anxiety and agoraphobia but things are so difficult right now and I don't want to provoke anxious thoughts etc in anyone else because I have absolutely nothing positive to say at the moment! Although I know this is just a 'blip' and that it will pass - it always does! - I just hope it's soon!

Depression?

Just a quick post today. I'm starting to wonder if I might actually be suffering from depression. I've been really down lately and have no energy at all. I'm back home today and have been trying to get back on top of the housework. Everywhere needs cleaned but I can't seem to get the energy to do it. I do a bit then just want to stop. I can't be bothered at all, and it's definitely not me just being lazy! All day i've felt like I need something to boost my mood but I don't know what. I hate feeling this way, i'm not used to it and i don't know how to handle it.

I've always been up and down with my anxiety but never this bad and when i always got down i just told myself that it was normal to feel that way in the circumstance i am in but now I am no interest in anything and can't see the positive or rational in anything.

Fear and stomach problems?

The last couple of days have been horrible! The night I wrote the post about picking up my prescription I didn't get a wink of sleep. I went to bed after writing the post and my anxiety was off the scale. Being on my own really wasn't helping, I keep thinking 'What if something happens to me? There's nobody here to help me.' obviously if something awful really was happening I could phone someone but I would probably feel guilty for phoning someone in the middle of the night, dying or not!

By the time morning came it was really getting unbearable, I just really wanted to get some sleep and to not have to think. But I couldn't shut my thoughts off for 2 seconds let alone enough time to fall asleep. I spent the whole day in my bed. I felt stuck and really dizzy. The thought of getting up made me feel worse and I envisioned everything to spin and for it all to be out of control. Eventually at 8 that night my Mum came to see me and saw the state I was in and I ended up managing to go to hers and stay.  That must have calmed me because by 10 I was out cold!

Another symptom I've been having, which is new, is really bad stomach problems. Around about before Christmas I was suffering on and off with bouts of nausea. Which at times were quite bad and then in January I noticed that every time I eat it felt like my food was just sitting in my stomach and not digesting. I wasn't really worried about this at all but the last few days it's been awful. I suffered from heartburn for 2 days solid and my stomach has been in agony. The heartburn has gone now thankfully! but my stomach still feels a bit iffy. I'm not really sure what's happening, it's getting to the stage that I'm starting to get a bit anxious about eating because I don't want to trigger the heartburn or have that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I'm also wondering if it's related to my anxiety that i'm having just now but i'm also wondering if this could be a catalyst to the anxiety i'm having? I don't know, my head feels a mess too right now!

Just now I'm still at my Mum's. I went home for a little while earlier today and my anxiety was quite bad, I kept thinking 'The last time I was here I was really anxious, What if it happens again?' So I need to get a grip on that. I can't be scared to stay in my own house!

The fear I've been experiencing is unbelievable. I keep thinking I'm going to die and I don't feel safe anywhere. I don't want people to be near me but I don't want to be alone. I keep envisioning myself getting really dizzy and ambulances coming and me being rushed to hospital. Then I tell myself it's ok, it's just anxiety - it'll pass. Then I start to worry '...but what if it's not anxiety? What if it's something real this time?' and it just keeps going round in circles! I'm constantly putting myself through hell and I do worry the effect it's having on me psychically and mentally. I just can't remember how I break the circle!

I Finally Picked Up The Prescription...

... now all I have to do is find the courage to take them! I kind of decided yesterday that I was going to start today by taking a quarter! Laughable I know but I thought If I done that I would be less anxious about taking them and I wouldn't suffer any side effects. When It came time to take it today though I couldn't do it. Another reason I wanted to take a quarter of the tablet is I read in 'The anxiety and phobia workbook' by Edmund J. Bourne that to minimize side effects you should start off on a low dose of the meds and increase over time, for Zoloft (sertraline) he recommended 10mg and you would get this by quartering it. He also goes on to say that you should gradually increase up to a tablet a day over a period of several weeks. I wish I could stop being so bloody stupid and just take it!! I feel so bad at the moment but I don't want to feel worse and my fear is that taking the meds will send my anxiety even more out of control than it already is.

I was doing well with the Paul McKenna Mp3 but the last 2 nights I haven't done it. I can;t even blame anxiety for not listening I just couldn't be bothered I was in a bit of a downer and it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I went out yesterday but it was horrible, I didn't feel anxious when I got up so I suggested going out for a while to see if it would reduce my anxiety. I kind of wish I hadn't bothered, after 10 mins in the car I was really anxious and wanted to go home. I didn't though. We got into the supermarket and I couldn't cope. I had to stand at the clothes section which was relatively quiet and then after 15 minutes I had to leave. I did go to another shop after that just so I felt I wasn't giving in but that was a nightmare too. I felt so drained and so tired even though I had a good nights sleep. All I could think was a few weeks ago, this was so easy easy for me to do. How can it have got so bad so fast?