When I was younger I always felt that I had to live up to certain expectations. I had to be good & do as I was told, I had to be smart, I wasn't allowed to be angry or even moody there were a million things that I eventually felt that I had to be 'perfect'. I was terrified of getting into trouble or letting people down. If I ever did any of these things I would become extremely embarrassed about getting told off. My parents aren't bad people at all they just wanted the best for me and tried to impose guidelines which would ensue that I would be the best person I could be. I guess I took it too literally. I would do anything to avoid being told off. I would try and say the right thing and do anything to please them. I really didn't want to let them down. If I was told off I kept my mouth shut and never answered back. I think I felt that something catastrophic would happen if I did. Even now I still try to please people. I wouldn't dream of doing anything to intentionally upset people which often backfires on me as I regularly get the piss taken out of me and it hurts.
I never feel I can truly be myself. I think people will dislike or be disappointed in me if I am. People's approval means a lot to me. If someone doesn't like me or falls out with me I always assume it's my fault and again I feel ashamed. I used to buy books which I thought I should be reading rather than buying the trashy ones that I really wanted to read. I always thought I have to be intelligent, be nice to people and always do the right thing - that's all that mattered. People would always approve of that. The thing is that's not who I want to be anymore. I want to be me. I want to live my life and make mistakes and not feel ashamed for it or continually berate myself for doing so. I want to be wreckless on the odd occasion and not worry about what the consequences may be or what people might think. I'm so fed up of worrying and trying to control every single aspect of my life, which is ironic as I've never felt so out of control as I do know.
It's also ironic that I spent most of my childhood trying to be perfect and behave the way I was supposed to for panic to come along and make everyone more disappointed in me than they would have been if I hadn't done as I was told etc. I never finished high school, never went to uni, don't have a job, friends, no relationship, I start things then never finish them, I can't be relied upon to do things... I could go on but I think you get the jist. I guess I'm coming to realise that you try to be perfect but there's no such thing. Life isn't perfect and obstacles get in the way all the time. I need to learn that it's ok to be the person that I want to be not the person that everyone else wants me to be. It hasn't made me happy. What's the worst that can happen? Would my family stop loving me? I highly doubt it. I want to let go of always wanting everyone's approval. I want to be able to stand up for myself and not get upset by every little thing that happens.
Ironically, I spent a lot of my childhood listening to this album and particularly this song:
It's ok to make mistakes and it's ok for life not to go the way I expected. I am who am and I can't be anyone else.
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