Panic attack thought record

Came across one of these from my psychology sessions last year and it's a classic example of how bad my health anxiety really is.

Situation


Keep getting a clear liquid pouring out of my nose. It feels like a nosebleed. I googled it and results showed I had a brain leak which could lead to serious problems. I am alone in the house.

Physical Symptoms

• Clear stuff pouring out of nose
• feeling hot & cold alternately 
• nauseous
• weak
• headache
• can't stand
• breathing out of control
• dizzy
• tension all over body

Emotions

Fear  - 100%

Panic - 100%

Unhelpful thoughts or images

• I'm dying 
• I need to go to hospital/see a doctor
• There's no one here to help me
• I don't want to die on my own
• My Mum and I had an argument and she won't answer the phone to me - there's no one else I can call

Response to thought

• There are a number of conditions that could cause symptoms such as this - google always shows the worst.
• If I really needed help I could call NHS 24 or an ambulance

Outcome

• I'm going to make an appointment to go and have it checked 
• I'm not going to google
• Try to focus on my response to thought answers and not focus so much on the unhelpful thoughts or images
• Fear - 75%
• Panic 55%

I did go to the doctor about this after it happened a few more times and I was diagnosed with chronic sinus infection & a post nasal drip. I haven't had much bother with either since starting a nasal spray. Just shows though how something that would be trivial to majority of the population can get me into such a state.

My health anxiety

While reading through my diary I found something I had written a few months ago. I think I must have been trying to understand my health anxiety or reassuring myself that I was suffering anxiety, I'm not entirely sure. I thought I'd share it anyway.

2002 - began feeling lightheaded a lot of the time and became afraid that I would faint. Being a 14 year old girl I thought it was probably anaemia as I had problematic periods since they began. Started taking iron tablets but when it didn't go away I went to my doctor. Was sent to have blood tests, which came back normal and doctor diagnosed panic disorder. Disagreed with diagnosis of panic disorder as I didn't feel 'panicked' about anything.

Couple of months later - doctor became concerned by my fast heart rate and wanted to have it checked out. Sent for an ECG but nothing came up and no more tests were required. Became concerned that I had a heart problem that wasn't picked up. I still always have a racing heart and have now developed heart palpitations. Have since had another ECG, which was normal again.

2003 - began having migraines a lot and doctor sent my for a brain scan as I had also been feeling lightheaded and nauseous. Results took a long time to come back and the wait made me anxious. Scan came back fine and I was diagnosed with migraines. Accepted this diagnosis for a while but then by the end of 2003 and for most of 2004 I became convinced that i had a brain tumour and then thought I was going to die from a brain haemorrhage after a family member died from one. Don't really worry about this much any more.

2008-2011 - became concerned that I had diabetes. Began to watch what I ate and bought a blood glucose monitor. Doctor sent me for tests. Results showed that I ha slightly low blood sugar levels but nothing to be concerned about. Still kind of worry about this as I often have symptoms of diabetes.

2011-2012 - been experiencing rectal bleeding throughout this period along with a change in bowel movements, digestive symptoms etc. Had a rectal examination, stomach examination & stool sample given. Nothing showed up and blood tests were normal. Still haven't found out what's wrong and currently waiting on an appointment for a sigmoidoscopy. Obviously in my head I'm worried I have cancer.

These are big worries that I've had over the years that have consumed a lot of my thoughts. It doesn't include all the nights I've spent worrying I have meningitis, swine flu, etc... You name it and I've probably been convinced I've had it!

Health Anxiety creeping back up!

My health anxiety, in general, is still pretty high but I had lost my fear of having a heart problem. Well I hadn't lost the fear completely... more that it wasn't consuming me all the time. I was still attempting to get on the exercise bike, I'd still walk places and not be as panicked that I would collapse and die. The last couple of days though, I've noticed the fear coming back, I haven't gone anywhere near the exercise bike, mopping the floor yesterday almost brought on a full blown panic attack because my heart was racing and for the last couple of days I've been checking my resting heart rate regularly - something I haven't done in months. I've always had a fast heart rate, even before I was diagnosed with anxiety my doctor sent me for an ECG to make sure there wasn't anything wrong. The ECG was normal and I had another one about 2 years ago and again that was normal. I always worry that I have some kind of heart problem that the ECG missed but my doctor seems to think that my fast heart rate and palpitations are down to anxiety. I don't know how reliable ECG's are or what they can detect but I always worry they're not picking something up.

It always worries me that something serious will go unnoticed since my doctor seems to put everything down to anxiety. I wouldn't mind so much if I was constantly going to get things checked out or always going to A&E, but I don't. I know that I suffer health anxiety and anxiety in general so I only go when I have 'real' symptoms or if something has been worrying me for a long time.

I really hope my heart fear simmers back down as it always stops my progress. I eventually get too terrified to go out in case I collapse and die. Coping with it on my own is going to be quite difficult since I'm not having therapy at the moment. I'm actually quite pissed off with that too. I haven't received a letter confirming if I went back on the waiting list or how long the waiting list is. I've heard absolutely nothing which is quite shocking as I'm supposed to be a priority case. I don't even know who I contact to ask if I was put on a waiting list since it wasn't through my doctor. I really wish I had the money to pay to go private, I'm seriously losing all faith in the NHS, they seem to think it's a case of one size fits all. When you don't react in the way you're expected to, you're not trying hard enough and wasting their time. Surely if they had a true understanding of psychological problems they would understand just how hard to even get up, get dressed & actually attend the appointment is. Out of 5 psychologists I've attended, I've only had one  who truly understood what I was going through and he helped me immensely. I went from not being able to leave my room to being able to go shopping within 6 weeks. A year after that I went on holiday abroad. I then lived another year virtually panic free. So I know that the right therapist can help you to manage your anxiety but it seems getting the right therapist is a challenge in itself.

My fear of dying

This probably a pretty morbid post and I apologise in advance but I do feel this is important for me to write as this is now my main fear and is currently the catalyst for my anxiety and panic. I would give anything to go back to the time when my worst fear during a panic attack was my fear of fainting. In no way am I dismissing a fear of fainting because it was still terrifying but my fear of death never goes away, even when the panic is done.

Before I had panic attacks I always had a fear of death, I suppose most people do, but I rarely thought about. Now though my fear of death is really intense and I think about it all the time, and I really do mean all the time! It never leaves my mind. Even when I feel 'ok' I still think I could die at any minute. Any symptom I get, I start to think 'am I going to die'. I've tried to speak to counsellors and psychologists about it but it's always dismissed as normal. Yeah, I agree, having a fear of death is normal but my fear stops me from living life. Everything I'm afraid to do is because I'm afraid I might die while doing it. I've lost count of the number of times I've read or heard about young, healthy people collapsing and dying and then I start to think why would I be any different - I mean I even feel like I'm dying majority of the time. Walking round the supermarket, my usual thought is 'I could collapse and die here' - and I don't even necessarily have any anxiety or panic symptoms at this point.

I know that one day I'll die and if I think too much into this I can make myself physically sick. Not knowing when that day will come is what makes me anxious. Will I be old, will I be young? I've always thought I'll live till an old age but I always think 'what if?' I suppose I fear it because it's out of my control. The only thing that could have possibly caused this is my panic attacks. I've never lost anyone close to me, which makes me extremely lucky and is something I thank God for every day.

I feel that unless I get this fear under control I'm never going to overcome any of my problems. I pick up on every symptom within my body and I fear them, thinking they may be something that could kill me. If I get a rash I immediately go into a panic attack - I think I have meningitis. A swollen gland - I think I have cancer. If I don't sleep one night I even think this will kill me.

I don't know how I overcome this. Usually I go with the 'face your fear' programme but how do you face a fear of dying? Every time I've overcame my anxiety & agoraphobia it's come back and I believe that this is the reason why. So you would think if I could get this under control my anxiety would go, except I don't know how I overcome my fear of dying.

Apologies if this is too morbid or anxiety-provoking for you but I felt I had to write it.

L x

I don't get it.

Today has been a huge success but has also been a bit of a downer. The huge success was that I was able to go out for a family meal and actually feel partly 'normal' for quite a bit of it. Anxiety did set in towards the end of the meal but it was bearable and I was actually able to finish a meal in public! This is a huge deal. Usually if I'm eating in public, after a few bites my stomach is in knots and I literally cannot swallow anymore food. So to actually be able to eat a meal is amazing! The restaurant was quite busy but there was plenty of space so I wasn't feeling too claustrophobic which was definitely helpful. Another good sign was that I didn't have to use the toilets. Usually when I go into somewhere the first thing I do is find out where the toilets are 'just in case' and then proceed to make several trips, trying to decrease my anxiety but tonight I didn't have to. I didn't try going to the shops today as I knew I was going to go out for dinner and didn't want to push myself too much but I will be back to trying to go to the shop tomorrow.

This is what's bothering me, since I've came home tonight my anxiety levels have been quite high. My health anxiety in particular has increased considerably. Not sure if I blogged about this, but for the last 6 weeks I've been having throat problems and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms of throat cancer. Now, I'm only 24 and I don't smoke and very rarely drink so I am aware that the chances of me having throat cancer are very slim but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. I went to the doctor last week and she told me she thought it was caused by my tooth. I disagree and I don't feel she done a thorough check of my throat. Anyway, today after I came out the shower I coughed up a bit of blood. This immediately sent me into a panic. I tried to fill out a panic attack thought record (similar to this one),  which the psychologist gave me to fill in when I had a panic attack, and under the part where you write a rational thought I couldn't think of any rational thought as to why I was coughing up blood. I can usually always think of something rational to put in the box but surely coughing up blood isn't a good sign? To top it off I also had bleeding in my bowel movements again tonight which I'm not overly anxious about as I'm starting to believe this is caused by internal hemorrhoids but my doctor did say that if it happened again he would recommend a scope - which I'm not feeling too great about! I just feel that at the moment my body seems to be falling apart. It feels that just when I'm getting better mentally, my body is giving up. At times I just wish I could get a break. Something always seems to go wrong and it's exhausting constantly trying to battle through it. If it's not my mind, it's my body etc. It's hard not to just think 'fuck it' and just give up. I don't plan on giving up but today has definitely been one of those testing days.

Going in the right direction

Today has been good, far from anxiety free but I feel positive and feel like I can handle life again. I had a doctors appointment to discuss the bowel problems that I was having a few months ago and also to discuss my new fear - throat cancer. We went over all my test results and they've all came back 'perfect' which I very reassuring and also tells me that it's all ANXIETY! I also had my oxygen levels checked, which I've never had done before, and again perfect - 99%. so why can I not just accept that it's anxiety and move on with my life? I'm thinking the worst and I'm making myself feel I'll. Yes, I am hbing some symptoms but they're nothing serious. My painful throat is actually a result of a tooth that need extracted so, grudgingly I've had to make an appointment for the dentist but that's another phobia all together, let's just say I don't think my dentist will be lookin forward to seeing me! We also discussed anxiety treatment and she thinks I really should give the sertraline a try. The worst thing that can happen to me is an allergic reaction which apparenty is highly unlikely and if I get bothersome symptoms I just stop them. I definitely felt a lot better after talking with the doctor although I probably shouldn't be relying on reassurance to make me feel better.

ItDid make me feel better and afterwards I went shopping to get essentials, it was completely panic free but still had anxiety and a few wobbly moments but I managed it and I was fine. It wasn't horrendous. I got home and realised I had forgot to get milk, my instant reaction was to ask someone to go for me but then I decided that I woul attempt to go on my own. I did mange to do this a few weeks back but it was terrifying but I did get there and back and tonight I done the same except this time it was panic and anxiety free! I've not walked to that shop feeling like that in about 8 years. Not going to lie it felt amazing and I actually gelt 'normal'. I didn't have to rely on someone else to do something for me, I was able to do it for myself. So the plan now is to do this every day. I proved to myself that I can do it. Some days I may be wobbly but there will also be days like today when I get to feel normal again.

The brief moments where I feel 'normal'

I had one tonight. They never last long, usually just a couple of minutes. They really are great though. When it happened earlier on I was joking with my sister and I actually genuinely laughed and for a brief moment I felt like the old me. When I notice it has happened I feel positive. During these moments anxiety, panic, agoraphobia an the state of my health aren't consuming my thoughts. It proves to me that I feel the way I do because of anxiety and I start to believe I can beat it! Right now I feel the most comfortable just living and being me, than I have done in a long while. Here's hoping it lasts!

My posts are getting further and further apart...

I've not had anything to write lately mainly because nothing much has been happening and also because I've not been in the mood to communicate with anyone. My anxiety has died down considerably and I'm at that stage where I'm constantly thinking 'How did I let it get that bad again?'. I always swore that I would never go back to that place I was in years ago and I genuinely believed I wouldn't but for whatever reason something happened towards the end of Feb/beginning of March and sucked me straight back into that overwhelming anxiety and I had forgot how to deal with it. I don't actually even know how I got myself back out of it but I am and that's the main thing.

I'm about to contradict myself here... I'm incredibly lonely just now but at the same time I can't be bothered talking to anyone or interacting with them, at all. Not that I have many people that I can talk to anyway. I seem to be feeling a 'blah' and a stuck. I don't know what to do with my life. It feels like every direction or decision I take/make is wrong and I end up paying the consequence for it, mainly through my anxiety. All my enjoyment of things seems to have vanished. I rarely listen to music anymore, I hardly read and It's a huge effort to get myself dressed - mainly cause I don't see the point. I'm not going out and I hardly see anyone. Doing nothing every day is getting me down too. I have no structure and nothing to focus on. All my days blur into one. It feels like I sit about all day waiting to go to bed. I hate bedtime because that's when I get anxious. 'Will I get to sleep?'...'what if I don't sleep'...'I'm sure my heart is beating too fast'....'I'm going to die'...'I'm scared' - These are the general thoughts I now get at bedtime and this viscous circle goes on for hours and I wonder why I can't sleep. 


Bizarrely the last 3 nights I have dreamt that I was pregnant, which I'm definitely not! So I looked it up online. Apparently to dream you are pregnant 'symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal' - Is it just me or does anyone else relate everything that they see or read to their anxiety? I have no idea what it can mean but I definitely hope that one area of my life 'grows and develops' I'm not even fussy about which area it may be!


 I'm still only young but I feel so old. I feel like I'm never going to get my life back. How do you rebuild your life after anxiety and agoraphobia? I've not been out in the big bad world on my own in 6 years. I've always had protection and someone there to help me feel safe. How do you make friends? How do you get a job? ... I've not got any work experience and I have no qualifications except 8 GCSE's/standard grades which effectively count for nothing. My dream was to go to uni and anxiety came at a crucial point in my education and  uni wasn't an option anymore. Everyone tells me I can still go but it's not the same as I planned and It's more complicated now. I have my own house and part of my rent is paid for me because I live on benefits so going to uni isn't an option because I wouldn't know how I would cope, I would have to give up my benefits and would have to rely financially on myself. A part time job wouldn't be enough to support myself and pay my rent and getting a full time job with no qualifications still isn't enough to support me and pay my rent! How does that work out? Last year someone working for the Job Centre Plus actually told me my only option was to have a baby! I know I'm not ready to work or be in education full time but these are the worries I have. I feel that the only was I can overcome this now is to force myself to go into the big bad world and work. What I've been doing all this time hasn't been working and I'm running out of options and it feels like I'm running out of time too. 

It's been a while...

since I last wrote. Things have been weird. My anxiety has either been really awful or non-existent... there's been nothing inbetween. One day can be hell and the next I can be very manageable. This is really unusual for me, I either have periods of being fine or having severe anxiety... not changing on a daily basis. Who knows what's going on! I really wish it would piss off though!

I'm actually really worried about my health at the moment. I always worry about my health and at my first appointment with the psychologist I was diagnosed with health anxiety, which does make sense as my health is what I  really worry about all the time. However, this time is different. Usually when I worry about something being wrong with me I get anxious and panicky about it but deep down I kind of know that it's just my anxiety. Just now I am 100% convinced that I have cancer. I'm still having the rectal bleeding on and off, and I've developed new symptoms which are really worrying me. I'm sweating all the time and waking up during the night soaked through with sweat. I've been thinking that it's summer and it'll be warmer know but I don't think that's what it is. I'm also getting stomach pains now which I hadn't been having. Last week I also have severe pain in my back and my hip and it felt like there was something there but I couldn't feel anything. Cancer seems to be everywhere at the moment (or I'm just looking out for it) and it's like I can't get away from it. I really am terrified. I can't even explain how terrified I am. When I think about it I actually go cold and numb and I feel sick to my stomach. I worked up the courage to go for the blood tests 2 weeks ago but they wouldn't take me because my card said it was non-urgent and they would only take urgent blood tests. They then wouldn't let me make an appointment to go for the tests. I was told that I would have to come back and sit all day to wait for them to get done. There's no way I can do that with the way my agoraphobia is at the moment, getting there the first time was hard enough. I did hand in a stool sample (lovely) which came back fine but I don't know what this was tested for so I don't know what that means. I know I need to get the bloods done and I am planning on going next week. I'm scared of getting the results for them too. What if there is something? I don't think I could cope with that. I've spent the last 7 years not coping with a 'what if there was something wrong with me?' worry which has taken over my whole life.

I'm on my own majority of the time as well which isn't helping at all. I have nothing to distract me. I just sit and worry all the time. When I do have company I'm still half away in my own little world. When I do get to the stage where I'm panicking I have nobody I can talk to and take my mind off it. I think that's the worst part of my anxiety and agoraphobia - I've lost everybody that was in my life. I'm just pretty much on my own all the time. It's difficult. My friends were always really important to me and not having them in my life is really difficult to cope with. I miss laughing...I miss having stupid problems that I used to have. I can remember a time when having a spot was the end of the world. I often wish I was one of those people who just don't think about anything and do what they want. I suppose I just want to be 'normal' and not put myself through hell all the time.

An example of how bad my anxiety is

I've not been sleeping well again - This time rather than not being able to get to sleep at all. I've been falling asleep and waking up 4/4 and half hours later and not being able to get back to sleep. It's taking its toll now and I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5am and I feel I have no energy and I don't want to do anything at all. 

A little while ago I was starting to feel anxious due to being so tired so I got my make up out and decided that I would play about with that as a way to distract myself (currently trying to find new hobbies as none of my distraction techniques are working!). Playing about with the make up was actually quite a good distraction from the anxiety I was experiencing. However, I started to notice my throat was sore and I started coughing quite badly. A lot of phlegm came up and I went to the bathroom to spit it out. When I looked in the sink I spotted what I thought was blood. Instantly I went into to panic mode and had a full blown panic attack. In my head I thought 'I really do have cancer and now it's spread', 'am I going to die?', 'omg, I'm on my own. Nobody is here to help me'. It took me 15 minutes to realise that it was actually the red lipstick I had put on earlier. So I caused myself to panic for no reason at all. I'm obviously constantly looking out for 'danger' and the smallest thing is setting the panic off. That was half an hour ago and I'm still shaking and feel even more exhausted because I had a panic attack. I'm so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just try and think of a rational explanation for things before I go into panic mode? Although it doesn't feel like I get much time to think, my body just seems to react. As soon as I saw the red I felt all the blood drain out of my body. I'm so tired of being like this. 

Cancer?

I've mentioned previously that for a while I've been suffering with stomach problems. To be honest I had put these down to my heightened state of anxiety in recent months although when I started to have rectal bleeding a few weeks ago I started to panic and decided that it would be best if I saw my doctor.

My appointment was last week. Which I managed to go to with little anxiety which was an achievement especially considering how embarrassing it was. I was asked a lot of general questions about my symptoms  and was then given a rectal examination - which wasn't actually that painful or uncomfortable just humiliating. It was quick however! The doctor informed me that she would check for hemorrhoids or any cancerous lumps - which was a big mistake. I expected to be told I was too young to have cancer and that I was being stupid to be worrying. A big part of me was expecting to be told it was due to hemorrhoids and to be sent home with a cream - This didn't happen. After the examination I was told everything looked fine. I went into anxious mode after the mention of cancer and eventually had to ask if it was likely that it could be cancer. The reply I got was that it would be highly unlikely but not impossible. What the hell does that mean? I was told to make an appointment to have blood tests and hand in a stool sample.

I was supposed to go and get blood taken on Friday but I never went. I'm absolutely terrified. What if they come back and say that they've found something? I don't think I could cope with that. I'm now putting off going for the tests all together now. On the other hand if it was nothing, it would be a relief to know. It could be one less thing to worry about. At the moment I'm constantly looking out for cancer symptoms and checking any aches or pains I'm having or if i'm feeling nauseous...anything basically! I feel I'm going mad to be honest and I'm really really scared.