An example of how bad my anxiety is

I've not been sleeping well again - This time rather than not being able to get to sleep at all. I've been falling asleep and waking up 4/4 and half hours later and not being able to get back to sleep. It's taking its toll now and I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5am and I feel I have no energy and I don't want to do anything at all. 

A little while ago I was starting to feel anxious due to being so tired so I got my make up out and decided that I would play about with that as a way to distract myself (currently trying to find new hobbies as none of my distraction techniques are working!). Playing about with the make up was actually quite a good distraction from the anxiety I was experiencing. However, I started to notice my throat was sore and I started coughing quite badly. A lot of phlegm came up and I went to the bathroom to spit it out. When I looked in the sink I spotted what I thought was blood. Instantly I went into to panic mode and had a full blown panic attack. In my head I thought 'I really do have cancer and now it's spread', 'am I going to die?', 'omg, I'm on my own. Nobody is here to help me'. It took me 15 minutes to realise that it was actually the red lipstick I had put on earlier. So I caused myself to panic for no reason at all. I'm obviously constantly looking out for 'danger' and the smallest thing is setting the panic off. That was half an hour ago and I'm still shaking and feel even more exhausted because I had a panic attack. I'm so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just try and think of a rational explanation for things before I go into panic mode? Although it doesn't feel like I get much time to think, my body just seems to react. As soon as I saw the red I felt all the blood drain out of my body. I'm so tired of being like this. 

Cancer?

I've mentioned previously that for a while I've been suffering with stomach problems. To be honest I had put these down to my heightened state of anxiety in recent months although when I started to have rectal bleeding a few weeks ago I started to panic and decided that it would be best if I saw my doctor.

My appointment was last week. Which I managed to go to with little anxiety which was an achievement especially considering how embarrassing it was. I was asked a lot of general questions about my symptoms  and was then given a rectal examination - which wasn't actually that painful or uncomfortable just humiliating. It was quick however! The doctor informed me that she would check for hemorrhoids or any cancerous lumps - which was a big mistake. I expected to be told I was too young to have cancer and that I was being stupid to be worrying. A big part of me was expecting to be told it was due to hemorrhoids and to be sent home with a cream - This didn't happen. After the examination I was told everything looked fine. I went into anxious mode after the mention of cancer and eventually had to ask if it was likely that it could be cancer. The reply I got was that it would be highly unlikely but not impossible. What the hell does that mean? I was told to make an appointment to have blood tests and hand in a stool sample.

I was supposed to go and get blood taken on Friday but I never went. I'm absolutely terrified. What if they come back and say that they've found something? I don't think I could cope with that. I'm now putting off going for the tests all together now. On the other hand if it was nothing, it would be a relief to know. It could be one less thing to worry about. At the moment I'm constantly looking out for cancer symptoms and checking any aches or pains I'm having or if i'm feeling nauseous...anything basically! I feel I'm going mad to be honest and I'm really really scared.

Exercise exposure - day 2

Today I managed to improve on yesterday's results - not by much but it's a step in the right direction. So today the results are 6 mins 41 seconds, 55.9 calories burned and distance cycled was 1.77km. It may not seem like very much to most people but to me it is. My heart was racing towards the end but it wasn't all that uncomfortable to be honest which is a good sign. Looking forward to see if I can build on it tomorrow.

Overcoming My Exercise Phobia

One of the many phobia's that I've developed since having panic disorder and agoraphobia is a phobia to exercise. The reason for this is due to the fact that my anxiety causes me to believe that I have a heart problem so in my mind if I exercise, it will put a strain on my heart and basically I'll collapse and die. So I avoid exercise at all cost - actually I avoid anything that makes my heart race or anything that could put a strain on my heart.

I can't remember when I developed this phobia. I do remember at one point reading in the news about a lot of young people collapsing and dying from heart problems (SAD) while exercising and I suppose my brain picked up on this. Since I've had the phobia there have been two young people that my Dad knows who have died from this, one was 20 and the other 19, both appeared to be in perfect health but one day just collapsed and that was it. I my head I just thought it could happen to me. For it supposedly being so rare what are the odds of hearing about 2 people it has happened to? I worry about my heart almost all the time and I find it scary how quickly someone can go from being healthy to dead.

When I was 15 my doctor was concerned that I had a fast heart rate and wanted to investigate it - at this point my anxiety wasn't that bad so I thought it would be nothing - so I was sent to have an ECG. The results weren't explained to me I was just told that everything seemed ok and that was it. Two years ago I was sent for another ECG because of the fast heart rate again and also because I was having palpitations. Again I was told everything seemed fine my heart rate was just fast but it was in a steady rhythm. My worry is, how reliable is an ECG? Surely nothing will show up unless I'm actually having palpitations at the time. This fear has caused me to live and behave like I do have a heart problem.

Yesterday I decided that enough was enough. I've been behaving like this for almost 7 years! If I ever want to get better I'm going to have to work through my fears and I'm starting with exercise. I do own my own exercise equipment so that's good I can start off in the house and build my confidence and eventually I hope to be able to go to the gym so that not everything is centered around staying indoors. I own a treadmill, exercise bike and dumbbells etc. Quite a lot of rubbish actually for someone who is phobic exercise but I always thought that if I could get into a regular exercise routine my anxiety would lessen a lot. So much like the same way as you would undergo exposure therapy when going outside, I'm going to gradually expose myself to exercise. So today I started with the exercise bike. I managed 5 mins and 32 secs before I started to get uncomfortable so I stopped before it escalated into panic. I now have something to build on. It's going to take a huge effort to keep it up I'm rubbish at sticking to things. I guess I just need to remind myself of how much I want to get better and that, depressingly, I'm not getting any younger and there's so much I want to do.

Small steps and General worrying

So it's been a good few weeks since I was last out (never thought i'd go back to that again!) to be honest the thought of going out is making me severely anxious and ill again so I've been avoiding it! Wrong thing to do I know but I seem to have lost all my energy to fight it at the moment. I'm hoping it makes an appearance again soon! Anyway yesterday my mum seemed to have had enough of me not doing anything to fight the way the I was feeling so I was made to go a drive in the car. We didn't drive far, it was about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back. I wasn't as anxious as I had anticipated but it was a constant battle with my anxious brain to stop thinking of all the possible terrifying things that could have possibly happened. I did manage it though and I feel more positive - after all it wasn't what I had expected, although it never is!

I mentioned previously that i'd been having stomach problems but wasn't sure if they were related to anxiety or not because i've never had any problems there before. The stomach problems have been causing me a bit of anxiety but this was intensified last week when I started suffering from rectal bleeding. With out going in to too much detail, I have had this before but this time was different - there was a lot more blood for a start. I've now had this happen 4 times in the last 10 days and I'm panicking about it. My head keeps telling me I have cancer and although highly unlikely there's a huge part of me that believes it. I can't think of anything else that would cause the stomach problems and the bleeding. After the first couple of times it happened my Mum made me an emergency appointment to see the doctor, which I then cancelled because it stopped and I didn't think it was an emergency. However, I have since made another appointment which is on Wednesday and to be honest it seems to dragging in!

Also on Wednesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I'm really hoping that this helps because I really feel like i'm falling to pieces at the moment.