Reflecting on 2012

On reflection 2012 turned out to be one of the best years I've had in a long time! I'm a little sad to see it end if I'm honest. Things started out with me at rock bottom.

I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic. There was this constant feeling of doom, like something bad was going to happen... I genuinely believed that I was about to die for the first 2 or 3 months of 2012. I had been having rectal bleeding for 8 months constantly and no doctor would take me seriously as I had health anxiety and i convinced myself that i had cancer.

Eventually after a visit to A&E I was finally referred for a sigmoidoscopy although I still had to wait another4 months for the procedure to be carried out and then another 6 weeks afterwards to receive the results. An absolute horrific amount of time to wait for a 'normal' person to wait but for someone with health anxiety this was a million times worse. In my mind I had cancer and all I could think was 'its been left too long... It'll have spread... I'm going to die...' I can even put into words how terrified I was.

Eventually in the middle of march I received the results in the post. I was diagnosed with a suspected Inflammatory bowel disease - ulcerative colitis. Not great, but not cancer - I was so relieved. That I could handle. At this point though I finally realised I had a problem.

I put my mind and body through absolute hell waiting for that diagnosis. How I never had a complete breakdown, I will never know. Getting the diagnosis and it wasn't cancer made something click within me. I needed medication for my anxiety. I was unwell and I had exhausted every other method of dealing with anxiety with limited results.

Medication, in particular antidepressants is what I fear the most in my anxiety, well apart from dying. I'm afraid of side effects, becoming dependent on them, long term effects of taking them etc. but things were just too bad at this point that I had no other choice than to try. I was worried that if I didn't I'd end up killing myself.

It wasn't easy starting them but hands down its been the best thing I've ever done and I regret putting it off for so long. If I had persevered with the medication route when I was first prescribed them at 16 my life could have been so different now (for the better). However, there's no point in what ifs. I've made huge progress in 2012 and I never dreamed that most of it could happen. I certainly never, ever thought I'd be an advocate of medication.

I thought I'd do a quick summary of the positive things that happened in 2012!

1. Eventually found out the cause of bleeding was ulcerative colitis - NOT cancer!

2. Accepted that I needed medication, sought help and was prescribed 50mg sertraline.

3. I passed my driving test first time!

4. I went on holiday for a week, travelling 3 hours from home and coped brilliantly. In a few months I went from not being able to leave my home to driving about a different town on my own!

5. There's been a huge reduction in my what if... Thoughts. I don't tend to think about the worst that will happen any more. If I want to do something, most of the time I do it without thinking "what if this happens".

6. I went for a job interview and it was a success.

7. I've driven to different towns and cities a significant distance from where my home is with only mild anxiety.

8. I can now go to supermarkets and shopping centres and be anxiety/panic free majority of the time!

9. I went on a date, in a public place as well! Lol.

10. I can now go anywhere I want and on my own too with very little anxiety. I no longer require a 'safe person' to be with me.

11. I have also overcome my phobia of exercise. I no longer believe my heart with give up when I exercise.

12. My sleep has improved significantly and I have rarely had a night where I can't sleep at all.

13. I look for any excuse to go out and challenge myself. I enjoy going out again. It's no longer something I fear or dread.

14. In general in much more happier and much less anxious. I still have the odd down day and the odd day with a significant amount of anxiety but its nowhere near as bad and I can cope and accept it now.

I hope that 2013 sees me continue to grow and build on my achievements from this year and that I can continue to manage the anxiety effectively. There's so much I want to do and I hope I can work my way towards these goals.

I wish you all a happy new year and hope that 2013 brings you all great things!

L x

Quick sertraline update

I've been feeling a ittle more anxious lately, noting too drastic, just a tad uncomfortable at times so after a chat with my doctor we decided to up my sertraline from 50mg to 100mg. Me being the big wimp that I am was a bit... shall we say scared to do such a huge jump from 50 to 100 (I know, I should have just got on with it) so I went up to 75mg the other day. Still no side effects apart from feeling very tired but I know that will pass. After Saturday I have no more 50mg pills left, only 100mg so as of Sunday I'll be on 100mg which hopefully will take the last remaining anxiety/panic away (fingers crossed!). In terms of agoraphobia though that is pretty much no longer a part of my life at the moment. Being away from home doesn't frighten me any more; the thought of travelling long distances away from home doesn't make me ill; getting on public transport is fine - I'm not saying i'm completely anxiety/panic free when doing these things but I'm not fearing them any more. I don't over analyse the situation I'm going to be putting myself into. I accept that I might panic but I also accept that it's just panic - It won't hurt me and it will pass.

I'm going into Glasgow city centre at the weekend, on my own, to go shopping and I'm actually excited about it! This is something I've never done on my own ever and if I manage it I know I will be absolutely delirious! I still can't quite get over how much I've changed in the last 6/7 months. It really has been amazing and I couldn't be happier right now

take care

L x

Dating after agoraphobia

I developed agoraphobia at the age of 16 so I had never really had the chance to do the whole dating thing and while I was agoraphobic my self esteem was far too low to even consider dating or any kind of relationship. What guy would want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't go out and was constantly anxious?

It's strange though because I craved a relationship and affection so much but I refused myself the chance of anything like that, although the offers were very limited anyway since I never left my home.

Since things have been going well lately and my confidence is increasing, dating has been something that has become a new focus in my life. A few months ago, I set up an account with an online dating site. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little sceptical about online dating and very cautious but it seems everyone is doing it!

I've been speaking to a lot of guys on there, some are nice to talk to, some make me laugh, some are good looking and at times some can be creepy. I have had quite a few offers of dates. In the beginning I was too anxious to arrange a date. 'what if he was a serial killer?', 'what if he's lied about who he is?' etc. however, last week after talking to a guy for a couple of weeks & checking out his Facebook account etc. we arranged to meet for a drink.

Last Friday we met in a local bar. Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous at all! I think I more too relieved that he actually looked the same in person. I was extremely worried that I may have had a panic attack - its been years since I had been in a bar and even longer since I had went out with practically a stranger and not someone I would consider a 'safe person'. Thankfully though, I didn't panic. There were times my anxiety rose and I felt on the verge of panicking but it never got out of control and I coped fine with it.

We stayed out for about 3 hours before calling it a night. He was a lovely guy but not my type and there wasn't a spark - sounds very cliched but I need a spark!! :-) I am very picky though which is annoying because I sometimes feel I'll never meet someone I like. He did ask my out again the next night and part of me wanted to go just for the sake of going out and testing my anxiety but I felt its be wrong especially as I knew I didn't feel anything for him.

The only downside of dating is the fact that I haven't mentioned my anxiety or agoraphobia to any of the guys I've spoken to. In a way I feel very deceitful but I don't want it to be a focus in this part of my life. I love talking to guys about 'normal' things. Every part of my life still centres in some way around anxiety/agoraphobia and I love that this doesn't. Obviously if I were to ever start a relationship with one of these guys then I would need to bring it up but as long as its just chatting and the odd date then I don't want to discuss it.

'cured'?

It's been a long while since I've been on here and even
Longer since I updated this blog!

I guess I wanted to come back on and say that after 4+ months after starting sertraline things are continuing to go extremely well for me. I always swore that I didn't want to take medication for my anxiety. I was terrified of meds, even the thought of taking them was enough to have me in a panic but earlier this year my anxiety hit a new level and I knew that I had to at least try the medication and honestly I'm so glad I did!

In the last few months I've started going out on my own, going to appointments, shopping etc... I've been away on a week long break a few hours away from home, I've even been on a job interview!! I could only have dreamed about doing things like this a year ago. I still can't quite believe it when I jump in the car on my own and go wherever I want/or need to go. I no longer feel like a burden on other people or have to arrange things so that someone else can come with me. It really is amazing and has done wonders for my confidence.

I guess the only downside is that I do still have panic attacks is certain situations but I am still only on 50mg of sertraline which is the lowest dose. The panic attacks I do have don't happen all that often and I can always cope with them now. They don't worry me anymore or have any kind of hold over me. Since the 27th of April I have been out every single day, pushing myself to do something. In the beginning it was difficult and very strange but now it's natural. I no longer feel agoraphobic and I feel a lot more like my old self.

I felt the need to come on and update this as when I used to look up online for 'success stories' and hope that I could get better. There was very little to be found and it made me feel that I couldn't get better. I guess the truth is that when things are going well you're not really going to come on and say that.

I know that medication isn't the answer for everyone, and for me it was the last thing for me to try, so I guess I'm lucky it's worked! God only knows what I'd be like just now if it hadn't! But if your anxiety is at the stage where it's interfering with your life or you're struggling to cope please give it a chance. It's nowhere near as scary as you think it's going to be. I imagined all the worst side effects possible and I actually didn't really get any. I honestly wished I had done this years ago and saved myself the hell that I went through for years waiting to wake up and be miraculously better. There's so much that I feel I missed out on and I could have spared myself that. I'm looking forward to making up for though :-)

I wish you all the very best.

L x

A week of successes

I had a post all written out last week but then my iPhone decided to die on me and the blogger app doesn't save your posts, which is a little frustrating. I still haven't managed to get my laptop fixed and I'm so lost without it but tonight I've managed to borrow one and I thought I'd do an update on the medication so far and blog about my AMAZING week - Yep, it was so good that 'amazing' deserves to be in cap lock ;)

Today I took my 38th sertraline tablet (honestly, I'm not counting or anything!), still on the 25mg as I'm about to run out and can't get an appointment to see my GP for a new prescription for 2 weeks!! I'm trying not to worry too much about that, I'm sure something will get sorted. I never thought I'd say the day though where I'd panic about my antidepressants running out! Side effect wise there's nothing going on. The excessive sleepiness has died down as have the crazy dreams! My anxiety has reduced a lot. I still have anxious moments throughout the day but nowhere near as bad as I was having. The constant sense of doom has left me, I don't feel so hopeless any more and I'm no longer hiding in the bathroom when around other people. I haven't taken a valium/diazepam in a week and haven't had a full blown panic attack in a week either! All amazing... but it get's better :)

A while ago I blogged about starting having driving lessons again. I was determined that I was going to do something 'normal'; something that would challenge my anxiety & agoraphobia and something that would get me out the house. For the most part I managed to stick to a driving lesson once a week, I think I had to cancel about 5 lessons due to my anxiety. The lessons were difficult. I found that I panicked a lot and I absolutely dreaded them all week but I was determined I was going to see something through. I give up on everything due to anxiety and it destroys what little confidence you have left and I was adamant I was going to make myself do this.

In March I was told that I was ready to put in for my driving test, so I did. Once I booked it I panicked. 'How on earth was I going to be able to go on a driving test?' - I spent majority of my lessons in a constant state of panic, I would be going into a car with a complete stranger for 40 minutes and how was I going to cope under test conditions? - In a way this was a good thing for me because it pushed me to give the medication a shot. I knew it was dodgy, 6 weeks wasn't a long time and I wasn't even starting on the right dose but luckily about 5 days before my test my anxiety died down. I'm not sure if it was the sertraline, hypnosis, or all the other stuff I was doing but something reduced my anxiety.

On the day of the test I hadn't slept in 26hrs and I was feeling ill. There was no way I was going to cope. I ended up taking a valium 4 hours before my test which did stop me from panicking. Anyway long story short. I coped with my anxiety, got myself together and passed my driving test first time. I was too exhausted by the end of it to feel anything but seeing my family proud of me was an amazing thing to see and a memory I will cherish. Most of the time I feel like a failure and I feel like my family see me as one too so it was nice to have done something to make them proud of me. After a good 14 hour sleep I did feel pretty proud of myself too!

It's been a week since I passed my test and it's been amazing. It's honestly one of the greatest things i've done. I've been out every night when the roads are quiet and driving about on my own for about 20 mins. I was terrified to go too far the first few nights. I was terrified I'd panic and wouldn't get home again. About 3 nights ago I set myself a challenge. I wanted to get to a quiet supermarket which is about 2 miles away from my house. The first night I drove half way there and came home. The second night I drove all the way there and went into the car park but didn't go inside. I was feeling pretty calm and even decided to drive the long way home! Last night I needed dinner and a few other bits and I decided that I was going to go in and get everything I needed. I was more anxious doing this but it wasn't horrendous or anything like I imagined. I was a little sweaty, had jelly legs and my heart was racing but I coped and I got myself home in one piece! And due to my soaring confidence levels I decided I was going to try the busy supermarket 2 miles in the other direction on the busier roads and again I managed it! I was way more panicky going to this supermarket but I done it and 'nothing bad' happened!

I have amazed myself with what I've managed the last few days, I would've never believed I could have done it and my confidence is sky high. I'm looking forward to going out now and see what else I can do that I've been telling myself that I can't. Until last night I hadn't went anywhere on my own in 8 years! It's just an amazing feeling and I felt so independent which I haven't done in so long. I don't feel like I have to depend on anyone for a change. I feel like I can go and do things for myself. Next weekend I have a challenge of driving 5 miles from my home on my own to pick up relatives and instead of thinking there's no way I can do it or absolutely dreading it, I'm excited to see if I can do it and I'm welcoming the challenge.

It's amazing what positive thinking and a confidence boost can do :)

Hope you're all well xx

P.S. On the day of my driving test I also got an appointment through to see a psychologist again, must have been my lucky day! ha! So hopefully the combination of the meds, therapy and my new found confidence will keep me (kind of) anxiety free!

Accepting it's 'just' anxiety

This week has been a little challenging for me. I'm feeling more motivated and I'm sleeping a lot better - albeit, at the wrong times - but my anxiety is still quite high most of the time and I've saw an increase in panic attacks in the last few days. However, I can cope with this (I think) for a few weeks until the meds are at the correct dose and start to work properly.

Something interesting happened this week though. Two nights in a row I found myself having quite severe chest pain & feeling that I couldn't breathe. I wasn't feeling anxious at all at this point, although my anxiety levels quickly shot up after the chest pains. 'this is it' I thought 'this really is a heart attack this time'. There's no way it could be anxiety, I DIDN'T FEEL ANXIOUS. After a while the chest pain stopped and my anxiety levels dropped enough for me to 'feel safe enough' to go to bed.

The next night I experienced the same thing. I worked myself into such a state the second time that I actually contemplated calling an ambulance. There was no way experiencing chest when not feeling anxious was normal. I managed to calm myself a little and take a diazepam tablet just to see. Twenty minutes later the chest pains were gone, meaning it clearly was anxiety that was causing it. This is what frustrates me. If I have anxiety symptoms without feeling anxious, how do I know if it's just anxiety or something that could potentially be serious? This is what perpetuates my health anxiety.

If I constantly go and get every symptom checked out, I keep the anxiety about my health going as do I when I worry about every symptom but if I just ignore it and think 'oh, it's only anxiety' I'm scared I'll miss something serious. I guess that's the nature of health anxiety but it's been so long that I don't know what the balance between being concerned & over concerned even is anymore.

FEAR

Face
Everything
And
Recover

...now if only it were as easy as that sounds!

Confused

This is what I don't understand. In all the therapy I've had I've always been told that my anxiety & panic is caused by the thoughts and pictures I have. Which in theory makes sense. Here's the confusing part (well for me anyway); for the last few months I've felt extremely anxious when visiting my parents house, yesterday I went to visit them and my anxiety levels were low. I was thinking this is great and that maybe, despite the extremely low dose, the sertraline was maybe working a little. Today I was going to parents again and I wasn't worried about it at all. My thinking was positive and my anxiety was low and then out of nowhere - boom! A panic attack. Now I certainly wasn't thinking anxious thoughts or picturing anything 'bad' so why the panic attack and how do I get sporadic panic attacks under control if I'm not causing them.

I have asked previous therapists about this before and was told 'I MUST' be thinking of something anxiety provoking. I tried to use the why do I have them in my sleep then debate but have never gotten any answers.

I'm a bit confused and frustrated at the moment. I seem to be experiencing panic & anxiety in situations that I could handle before. I'm not sure if it's the sertraline or not but it better pass quickly!

Now on 25mg of sertraline

For the last 3 nights I've upped the sertraline to half a tablet which is 25mg. I'm still feeling very anxious about taking the meds and it took me longer than I expected to do the increase.

My anxiety has been significantly higher the last 3 days; to the point where it has been absolutely terrifying and unbearable & for 2 out of 3 nights I've had to take a valium (I thought/felt I was having a heart attack).

Despite the high anxiety I've found myself more motivated to do things that will help to get my anxiety under control. For the last few days I've been doing progressive muscle relaxation, hypnosis, 10 mins meditation, making lists of positive things that have happened, worry moments, thinking about things in grateful for, affirmations, using cbt models, reading self help books & gradually exposing myself to exercise. These are all things that I tend to start and stop and always 'forget' to do but but I've been doing it all for the last few days and I look forward to doing it rather than thinking 'I'll do it later'. It's not having a huge effect on my anxiety at the moment but I know it will if I keep up with it. I've been listening to Claire weekes downloads too. There's no other person who can explain how I feel and it's a shame there aren't more therapists in the world who have her knowledge, compassion & understanding.

Hope you're all well

X

Ten rules for coping with panic

1. Remember panic feelings are only normal reactions that are exaggerated

2. They are not harmful and nothing worse will happen

3. Notice what is happening in your body now. Stay with the present. Slow down, relax, but keep going.

4. Thinking about what could/might happen is unhelpful. Only now matters.

5. Accept the feelings. Let them run through you and they will disappear more quickly.

6. Monitor your level of anxiety: 10 (worst) to 0 (least)

7. Stay in the situation. If you run away, avoid or escape, it will be more difficult in the future.

8. Take a few slow, deep breaths.

9. Consciously relax your tense muscles. Feel yourself relaxing.

10. Now begin to concentrate again. Focus on what you were doing before.

Shake it off!

In the last week I've discovered a new technique which helps me to get a grip on my anxiety before it spirals out of control and from using it I've managed to prevent 4 panic attacks!

So what have I been doing? Erm... Literally shaking the anxiety away. As soon as I feel the adrenaline start to course down my arms & legs I start to shake them. I shake like a crazy person; arms in the arm and so hard that it feels like my hands and fingers are going to fall off. I look totally mental and would never dream of doing this outside or in front of other people but it really does seem to be effective. I suppose it's because I'm doing the opposite of what I usually do. Usually I feel the adrenaline and I instantly tense up, intensifying the symptoms and wait for something bad to happen. perhaps by doing this for a few minutes I'm telling myself that its just anxiety? I don't know but it's helping :)

Scared to increase sertraline

Tonight was my 13th night on a quarter of a sertraline pill; I was supposed to go up to half a pill (25mg) after 8 days on the quarter but I've been too scared. It took until Wednesday - day 10 - for my anxiety to die down to a somewhat manageable level and i'm scared that increasing it is going to make me anxious & panicky again.

I've been absolutely exhausted since starting them and I'm sleeping between 8 & 11 hours a night, I can't seem to get enough sleep! I'm having really vivid dreams every night too which I haven't done in a long time. I've been having a lot of dizziness too particularly when in the car & it stops at a traffic light or something and a few times I've been dizzy in my sleep and woke up with the room spinning. I can't really see how a quarter of a sertraline pill can be responsible for this but what else could it be? I'm scared that if I increase, all these symptoms will intensify if they are being caused by it. I'm now regretting not just starting the 50mg at the beginning. I'd be on day 13 and the symptoms would be dying down now and I wouldn't have to increase anything... ah well, not much I can do about it now.

p.s. Still haven't taken any more valium but have them on standby for the increase

Hope you're all well!

L x

Tonight was the 7th night of taking a quarter of a sertraline tablet; I have one more quarter left and then it's up to half a tablet - 25mg. I'm anxious about the increase. I've been extremely anxious the last week although I doubt I'm even taking enough of the sertraline for that to be the cause. I've hardly left my bedroom, hardly eating and feeling dizzy and off balance quite a lot. Surprisingly though, my sleeping has been great - I've been sleeping between 8 & 10 hours a night - very unlike me! On Tuesday I had the doctors so I had to leave the house for that. It was horrible. I had a long wait in the waiting room, it was absolutely boiling and I thought I was going to faint. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. The doctor was great with me though and I left with a prescription for diazepam (valium).

I never in a million years thought I would ever touch valium for my anxiety; it was a route I just didn't want to go down but due to the anxiety I've been experiencing this week I had to take it to stop me losing it completely. I only take 2mg but I'm allowed to take 4mg 3 times a day. So I'm not relying on it too heavily and I haven't taken any in the last 2 days. I was terrified of meds like valium and I've surprised myself with taking it. I still have stupid 'what if?...' thoughts when I take it though but it's getting easier and I like the relief it brings. I imagine that I'll need it for every increase of the sertraline though. Even if the meds don't make me anxious - I know that I will - it's nice knowing that I have something that will take it away within 20 minutes.

Took a quarter of sertraline 50mg...

Probably sounds pathetic to most people but it's a big deal for me! I've avoided this moment for 8 years, since I had my bad reaction to citalopram.

Felt extremely anxious and panicky after taking it and I don't take diazepam or anything like that so I had to just wait it out. Thankfully I only felt anxious and panicky for the first hour then it passed. It's now 2 hours since I took it and I don't feel anything. I'm not sure what I was expecting.

Says It All

Coping statements

When I go out I usually take a list of coping statements with me. When I'm experiencing high levels of anxiety or panic, I am completely incapable of thinking rationally so I either have these written on a piece of paper in my bag or I read them from my phone, whatever's most convenient or easier for me. The coping statements I use are:

- everything you are feeling is ANXIEtY! Nothing bad is going to happen. You won't collapse, die, faint or have a dizzy turn.

- you've been here before and you've felt like this before; NOTHING bad has ever happened.

- despite how they feel, your legs are completely capable of holding you up. They won't buckle underneath you.

- you don't need or want to leave. It may feel awful but if you stay you'll feel better after it.

- nobody is paying attention to you. They're all preoccupied with their own lives.

- if you really need to leave, you can. You will not get stuck. Your legs will carry you to the car.

- breathe slowly, count to ten and smile!

- you always feel better when you get to the car or once you get home - proof that these symptoms are just anxiety.

- I can do this!! Keep going. You're fine!


I've kept my list relatively small so that its easier when I'm panicking. I do find that it helps me a lot. It's kept me from leaving a situation on many occasions.

Unfamiliar Territory

I kept up with my daily walk to the shop again tonight (day 3 on my own, day 4 walking to the shop) and I wasn't too anxious before going but I ended up being quite panicky and at one point in the shop felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack. I did just about manage to keep myself from tipping over the edge by trying to talk to myself in a positive, helpful way rather than my anxious, frightening unhelpful way. It seemed to help me cope. The shop again wasn't too busy and I was lucky to be at the start of the queue which made it a lot more manageable! Anxiety on the walk home was about a 7 or 8. Not ideal but the positive thing is I done it! The only thing I can think of that made tonight more anxiety provoking was that I hadn't eaten all day and when I don't eat my blood sugar levels fall quite quickly and it feels like a panic attack but in order to eat something I had to go to the shop as I haven't braved the supermarket in a couple of weeks.

Another thing happened tonight. A family drama happened which saw me having to walk somewhere I haven't walked in about 8 years and a distance I haven't walked since then either. When I mentioned this out loud everyone was shocked. Partly because to most 'normal' people this wouldn't be considered that far, in fact, it would probably be nothing at all but for me it was terrifying. When I was asked to go I briefly hesitated and the 'what ifs...' started in my head but I quickly brushed them away. A huge part of me was curious if I could manage it. I think I wanted to go, I wanted to test myself. I'm not going to lie though and say it was easy because it wasn't. I did manage to get there and back to my house but my anxiety and panic levels were high the whole time. All I could think is 'what if this happens? ... what if that happens?' It was never ending. I also got a nice shock at how unfit I actually am. For my age and the distance I walk I'm a little disgusted and ashamed at how out of breath I was and how bad the stitch in my side was. Appalling!

Overall, I'm glad that I done. It wasn't pleasant and it certainly wasn't easy but I've proved to myself that I can do it. The more I do things the more I realise that the only thing that is holding me back from going where I want and doing what I want is the way that I'm thinking about these situations and the fact that I'm not making myself go out and challenge things. I'm still waiting for that day where I wake up and the anxiety, panic & agoraphobia are magically gone, and I have to realise that that is never going to happen. I have to work hard to get myself better; to be able to go out and not panic; to live day to day and not feel anxious about life. The more I challenge things, the more I realise IT IS ALL ANXIETY. There's no underlying health condition, there's no mental disorder. It's me that's holding myself back. It's me that's causing the anxiety and panic. It's me that's not doing enough to get better and ultimately It's me and only me who can get me better. I hope the way I'm feeling tonight lasts because it's given me the kick up the ass I've needed for a long time and I can feel a little bit of that fight and determination I used to have coming back. I could wake up in the morning and it could be gone again but again that would be up to me to decide if I want to fight or just give up again. I have to stop waiting for other people to make me better or to make me happy. If I can't do it myself, how on earth can I expect other people to do it?

Shop attempt - Day 2

Another success tonight. Made it to the shop again and was able to buy everything I needed. I was more anxious tonight than I was last night which doesn't really make sense to me. I almost didn't attempt it as I thought there was a possibility I might panic but I knew I had to do it. The more I do it, the easier it'll get and then I can work on walking further. It would be great to know that if I need something I can just go and get it myself, when I want.

I was a bit shaky walking there and got a little flustered while I was in the shop. Again, the shop was empty so I didn't have the challenge of the queue. I was a bit more anxious walking back tonight though and on twitter I give it a rating of 6/10 - not bad really, but not as comfortable as I was last night. I'm happy though. It's another achievement for me and hopefully tomorrow I can do the same!

Hope you are all well :)

Made it to the shop again!

I walked to the shop on Tuesday with my mum. It was the first time I had walked there in a while. I was quite a bit anxious but it wasn't horrific. I had my usual fear of 'what if I get there, panic, and then cannot get back home?' thankfully that wasn't the case! As it never is and I got there and back in one piece without having a nervous breakdown or dying! Bonus! :)

Last night feeling brave after Tuesday's walk I decided I would attempt it on my own. There were things that I needed and I hate having to call other people to go and get them for me. So I decided I was going to do it myself. I did leave it all day though and only went 20 mins before the shop closed. I even went make up-less. Brave for me. The walk wasn't too bad, not much panic. I did at one point feel a little panicky because of the distance I walked and how long it would take me to get back if I were to panic and need to get home. I pushed this thought out of my mind; I was too far to panic.

Thankfully, the shop was empty so I didn't have the challenge of standing in a queue. I managed to get everything I needed. I was relieved more than anything that I was able to do it and it felt good that I was able to go and get everything I needed by myself for a change. I never really find going back home a challenge. I guess it's cause I know I'm going back to my 'safe place'. All in all a successful day for me yesterday!

What goes on in my mind

• I'm scared I'm going to die
• I worry that there's something serious wrong with me all the time
• I'm scared of that feeling of being dizzy, light-headed which I seem to get even when I don't feel anxious
• I fear the balance problems I seem to have
• I worry that I'll never get 'better' and will never lead a 'normal' life
• I worry that I'm not good enough and never will be
• I feel I don't fit in anywhere and never will
• I worry about doing things because of the heart problem I imagine that I have 
• I worry that I'll never achieve anything in life
• I fear I'll be alone forever - I won't even be the crazy cat lady, since I don't like cats!
• I'm concerned that nothing ever seems to make me happy
• I worry that I'll eventually go mad
• I worry that I'll fail at everything in life - and then question if I'm keeping my anxiety subconsciously as a way of not failing?!
• I'm scared of living but terrified of dying
• I hate the person I am
• I hate that I have no goals any more
• I feel sad that I'm on my own all the time and I'm really lonely 
• I feel like nobody likes me 

This is pretty much what my head's like 24 hours a day. Not a pleasant way of thinking!

Panic attack thought record

Came across one of these from my psychology sessions last year and it's a classic example of how bad my health anxiety really is.

Situation


Keep getting a clear liquid pouring out of my nose. It feels like a nosebleed. I googled it and results showed I had a brain leak which could lead to serious problems. I am alone in the house.

Physical Symptoms

• Clear stuff pouring out of nose
• feeling hot & cold alternately 
• nauseous
• weak
• headache
• can't stand
• breathing out of control
• dizzy
• tension all over body

Emotions

Fear  - 100%

Panic - 100%

Unhelpful thoughts or images

• I'm dying 
• I need to go to hospital/see a doctor
• There's no one here to help me
• I don't want to die on my own
• My Mum and I had an argument and she won't answer the phone to me - there's no one else I can call

Response to thought

• There are a number of conditions that could cause symptoms such as this - google always shows the worst.
• If I really needed help I could call NHS 24 or an ambulance

Outcome

• I'm going to make an appointment to go and have it checked 
• I'm not going to google
• Try to focus on my response to thought answers and not focus so much on the unhelpful thoughts or images
• Fear - 75%
• Panic 55%

I did go to the doctor about this after it happened a few more times and I was diagnosed with chronic sinus infection & a post nasal drip. I haven't had much bother with either since starting a nasal spray. Just shows though how something that would be trivial to majority of the population can get me into such a state.

What I want

• To be healthy
• To be happy
• My family to be healthy and happy
• To be 'normal'
• To feel loved
• To have a boyfriend
• To have friends
• To have a job
• To travel
• To not be worried about my health/dying 24/7
• To be positive
• To accept who I am
• To not feel anxious/scared/worried
• To feel carefree
• To feel motivated
• To not feel lonely
• To not feel like the worlds biggest reject
• To exercise
• To make an effort with my appearance
• To go to uni and get a degree
• To eventually get married and have a family
• To be able to drive
• To be like everyone else

Surely I'm not asking for much?! :)

My health anxiety

While reading through my diary I found something I had written a few months ago. I think I must have been trying to understand my health anxiety or reassuring myself that I was suffering anxiety, I'm not entirely sure. I thought I'd share it anyway.

2002 - began feeling lightheaded a lot of the time and became afraid that I would faint. Being a 14 year old girl I thought it was probably anaemia as I had problematic periods since they began. Started taking iron tablets but when it didn't go away I went to my doctor. Was sent to have blood tests, which came back normal and doctor diagnosed panic disorder. Disagreed with diagnosis of panic disorder as I didn't feel 'panicked' about anything.

Couple of months later - doctor became concerned by my fast heart rate and wanted to have it checked out. Sent for an ECG but nothing came up and no more tests were required. Became concerned that I had a heart problem that wasn't picked up. I still always have a racing heart and have now developed heart palpitations. Have since had another ECG, which was normal again.

2003 - began having migraines a lot and doctor sent my for a brain scan as I had also been feeling lightheaded and nauseous. Results took a long time to come back and the wait made me anxious. Scan came back fine and I was diagnosed with migraines. Accepted this diagnosis for a while but then by the end of 2003 and for most of 2004 I became convinced that i had a brain tumour and then thought I was going to die from a brain haemorrhage after a family member died from one. Don't really worry about this much any more.

2008-2011 - became concerned that I had diabetes. Began to watch what I ate and bought a blood glucose monitor. Doctor sent me for tests. Results showed that I ha slightly low blood sugar levels but nothing to be concerned about. Still kind of worry about this as I often have symptoms of diabetes.

2011-2012 - been experiencing rectal bleeding throughout this period along with a change in bowel movements, digestive symptoms etc. Had a rectal examination, stomach examination & stool sample given. Nothing showed up and blood tests were normal. Still haven't found out what's wrong and currently waiting on an appointment for a sigmoidoscopy. Obviously in my head I'm worried I have cancer.

These are big worries that I've had over the years that have consumed a lot of my thoughts. It doesn't include all the nights I've spent worrying I have meningitis, swine flu, etc... You name it and I've probably been convinced I've had it!

Always look on the bright side of life

I'm currently without my laptop & had an overwhelming urge to blog. Luckily, tonight I discovered that there is now a blogger app! :)

I had big plans about starting 2012 feeling really positive and working hard to overcome my problems but I think it was too much pressure because my anxiety increased. So now I'm just focusing on how I can implement small positive changes into my life. Small changes which hopefully will make a big difference.

The first one is starting a gratitude diary/journal. I used to do this when I was attending psychology sessions but I suppose I done it because it was homework rather than I done it because it helped so I never really benefited from it.

The plan is: at the end of each night I'm going to list 5 things from each day which I'm grateful for and at the end of the week, I will blog the top 5 things.

According to Dr Martin seligman, the founder of the positive psychology movement, writing down things which are good in your life each week, will enable you to feel happier & less depressed. So here's hoping!

This weeks 5 things I'm grateful for are:

1. My house - I moan all the time about the effort it takes to do everything in the house and never having the money to decorate or fix things but I do always manage and eventually I get the money to do the things I want. It's a great distraction too since there's always something that needs doing. I love my house, it really is beginning to feel homely & safe.

2. My family - I often take them for granted - as we all do - but I couldn't Cope without them and they help me in so many different ways. I may moan about them & they may piss me off a lot but I really do love them so much!

3. My health - I often doubt my health & often assume the worst or constantly think there's something serious wrong with me - all part of anxiety I suppose - but the fact is I'm young and I am healthy!

4. Anxiety free days - life seems a million times easier, I get so much done & I feel I can accomplish anything! I see the positive side of things and I believe I can get better. These days are the best!

5. My ability to learn - I've made huge progress with my driving and have now been told that if I can get my anxiety under control I will pass my test with no problems. I now believe in myself and my driving ability and have proved to myself that with willpower I can learn new things. Things that seemed so difficult in the beginning I can eventually do without even giving it a second thought.