I had a post all written out last week but then my iPhone decided to die on me and the blogger app doesn't save your posts, which is a little frustrating. I still haven't managed to get my laptop fixed and I'm so lost without it but tonight I've managed to borrow one and I thought I'd do an update on the medication so far and blog about my AMAZING week - Yep, it was so good that 'amazing' deserves to be in cap lock ;)
Today I took my 38th sertraline tablet (honestly, I'm not counting or anything!), still on the 25mg as I'm about to run out and can't get an appointment to see my GP for a new prescription for 2 weeks!! I'm trying not to worry too much about that, I'm sure something will get sorted. I never thought I'd say the day though where I'd panic about my antidepressants running out! Side effect wise there's nothing going on. The excessive sleepiness has died down as have the crazy dreams! My anxiety has reduced a lot. I still have anxious moments throughout the day but nowhere near as bad as I was having. The constant sense of doom has left me, I don't feel so hopeless any more and I'm no longer hiding in the bathroom when around other people. I haven't taken a valium/diazepam in a week and haven't had a full blown panic attack in a week either! All amazing... but it get's better :)
A while ago I blogged about starting having driving lessons again. I was determined that I was going to do something 'normal'; something that would challenge my anxiety & agoraphobia and something that would get me out the house. For the most part I managed to stick to a driving lesson once a week, I think I had to cancel about 5 lessons due to my anxiety. The lessons were difficult. I found that I panicked a lot and I absolutely dreaded them all week but I was determined I was going to see something through. I give up on everything due to anxiety and it destroys what little confidence you have left and I was adamant I was going to make myself do this.
In March I was told that I was ready to put in for my driving test, so I did. Once I booked it I panicked. 'How on earth was I going to be able to go on a driving test?' - I spent majority of my lessons in a constant state of panic, I would be going into a car with a complete stranger for 40 minutes and how was I going to cope under test conditions? - In a way this was a good thing for me because it pushed me to give the medication a shot. I knew it was dodgy, 6 weeks wasn't a long time and I wasn't even starting on the right dose but luckily about 5 days before my test my anxiety died down. I'm not sure if it was the sertraline, hypnosis, or all the other stuff I was doing but something reduced my anxiety.
On the day of the test I hadn't slept in 26hrs and I was feeling ill. There was no way I was going to cope. I ended up taking a valium 4 hours before my test which did stop me from panicking. Anyway long story short. I coped with my anxiety, got myself together and passed my driving test first time. I was too exhausted by the end of it to feel anything but seeing my family proud of me was an amazing thing to see and a memory I will cherish. Most of the time I feel like a failure and I feel like my family see me as one too so it was nice to have done something to make them proud of me. After a good 14 hour sleep I did feel pretty proud of myself too!
It's been a week since I passed my test and it's been amazing. It's honestly one of the greatest things i've done. I've been out every night when the roads are quiet and driving about on my own for about 20 mins. I was terrified to go too far the first few nights. I was terrified I'd panic and wouldn't get home again. About 3 nights ago I set myself a challenge. I wanted to get to a quiet supermarket which is about 2 miles away from my house. The first night I drove half way there and came home. The second night I drove all the way there and went into the car park but didn't go inside. I was feeling pretty calm and even decided to drive the long way home! Last night I needed dinner and a few other bits and I decided that I was going to go in and get everything I needed. I was more anxious doing this but it wasn't horrendous or anything like I imagined. I was a little sweaty, had jelly legs and my heart was racing but I coped and I got myself home in one piece! And due to my soaring confidence levels I decided I was going to try the busy supermarket 2 miles in the other direction on the busier roads and again I managed it! I was way more panicky going to this supermarket but I done it and 'nothing bad' happened!
I have amazed myself with what I've managed the last few days, I would've never believed I could have done it and my confidence is sky high. I'm looking forward to going out now and see what else I can do that I've been telling myself that I can't. Until last night I hadn't went anywhere on my own in 8 years! It's just an amazing feeling and I felt so independent which I haven't done in so long. I don't feel like I have to depend on anyone for a change. I feel like I can go and do things for myself. Next weekend I have a challenge of driving 5 miles from my home on my own to pick up relatives and instead of thinking there's no way I can do it or absolutely dreading it, I'm excited to see if I can do it and I'm welcoming the challenge.
It's amazing what positive thinking and a confidence boost can do :)
Hope you're all well xx
P.S. On the day of my driving test I also got an appointment through to see a psychologist again, must have been my lucky day! ha! So hopefully the combination of the meds, therapy and my new found confidence will keep me (kind of) anxiety free!
