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Thursday 17 March 2011

Depression?

Just a quick post today. I'm starting to wonder if I might actually be suffering from depression. I've been really down lately and have no energy at all. I'm back home today and have been trying to get back on top of the housework. Everywhere needs cleaned but I can't seem to get the energy to do it. I do a bit then just want to stop. I can't be bothered at all, and it's definitely not me just being lazy! All day i've felt like I need something to boost my mood but I don't know what. I hate feeling this way, i'm not used to it and i don't know how to handle it.

I've always been up and down with my anxiety but never this bad and when i always got down i just told myself that it was normal to feel that way in the circumstance i am in but now I am no interest in anything and can't see the positive or rational in anything.

Wednesday 16 March 2011

Fear and stomach problems?

The last couple of days have been horrible! The night I wrote the post about picking up my prescription I didn't get a wink of sleep. I went to bed after writing the post and my anxiety was off the scale. Being on my own really wasn't helping, I keep thinking 'What if something happens to me? There's nobody here to help me.' obviously if something awful really was happening I could phone someone but I would probably feel guilty for phoning someone in the middle of the night, dying or not!

By the time morning came it was really getting unbearable, I just really wanted to get some sleep and to not have to think. But I couldn't shut my thoughts off for 2 seconds let alone enough time to fall asleep. I spent the whole day in my bed. I felt stuck and really dizzy. The thought of getting up made me feel worse and I envisioned everything to spin and for it all to be out of control. Eventually at 8 that night my Mum came to see me and saw the state I was in and I ended up managing to go to hers and stay.  That must have calmed me because by 10 I was out cold!

Another symptom I've been having, which is new, is really bad stomach problems. Around about before Christmas I was suffering on and off with bouts of nausea. Which at times were quite bad and then in January I noticed that every time I eat it felt like my food was just sitting in my stomach and not digesting. I wasn't really worried about this at all but the last few days it's been awful. I suffered from heartburn for 2 days solid and my stomach has been in agony. The heartburn has gone now thankfully! but my stomach still feels a bit iffy. I'm not really sure what's happening, it's getting to the stage that I'm starting to get a bit anxious about eating because I don't want to trigger the heartburn or have that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I'm also wondering if it's related to my anxiety that i'm having just now but i'm also wondering if this could be a catalyst to the anxiety i'm having? I don't know, my head feels a mess too right now!

Just now I'm still at my Mum's. I went home for a little while earlier today and my anxiety was quite bad, I kept thinking 'The last time I was here I was really anxious, What if it happens again?' So I need to get a grip on that. I can't be scared to stay in my own house!

The fear I've been experiencing is unbelievable. I keep thinking I'm going to die and I don't feel safe anywhere. I don't want people to be near me but I don't want to be alone. I keep envisioning myself getting really dizzy and ambulances coming and me being rushed to hospital. Then I tell myself it's ok, it's just anxiety - it'll pass. Then I start to worry '...but what if it's not anxiety? What if it's something real this time?' and it just keeps going round in circles! I'm constantly putting myself through hell and I do worry the effect it's having on me psychically and mentally. I just can't remember how I break the circle!

Sunday 13 March 2011

I Finally Picked Up The Prescription...


... now all I have to do is find the courage to take them! I kind of decided yesterday that I was going to start today by taking a quarter! Laughable I know but I thought If I done that I would be less anxious about taking them and I wouldn't suffer any side effects. When It came time to take it today though I couldn't do it. Another reason I wanted to take a quarter of the tablet is I read in 'The anxiety and phobia workbook' by Edmund J. Bourne that to minimize side effects you should start off on a low dose of the meds and increase over time, for Zoloft (sertraline) he recommended 10mg and you would get this by quartering it. He also goes on to say that you should gradually increase up to a tablet a day over a period of several weeks. I wish I could stop being so bloody stupid and just take it!! I feel so bad at the moment but I don't want to feel worse and my fear is that taking the meds will send my anxiety even more out of control than it already is.


I was doing well with the Paul McKenna Mp3 but the last 2 nights I haven't done it. I can;t even blame anxiety for not listening I just couldn't be bothered I was in a bit of a downer and it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I went out yesterday but it was horrible, I didn't feel anxious when I got up so I suggested going out for a while to see if it would reduce my anxiety. I kind of wish I hadn't bothered, after 10 mins in the car I was really anxious and wanted to go home. I didn't though. We got into the supermarket and I couldn't cope. I had to stand at the clothes section which was relatively quiet and then after 15 minutes I had to leave. I did go to another shop after that just so I felt I wasn't giving in but that was a nightmare too. I felt so drained and so tired even though I had a good nights sleep. All I could think was a few weeks ago, this was so easy easy for me to do. How can it have got so bad so fast?

Saturday 5 March 2011

Paul McKenna - First Listen

Just listened to the mp3 for the first time and I do feel calmer and I was able to listen all the way through so I'm off to a positive start!

I'm feeling a lot more positive too, think it may be because I was able to listen all the way through without constantly fighting waves of panic and fidgeting. I also just read this post, which is fabulous! The first person I've heard about overcoming their agoraphobia, without selling their product! (lol). So positivity is the way forward! Thinking positive is really difficult for me, I tend to see things in black and white and to be honest I mostly find the negative in everything!

Paul McKenna

A while ago I bought an agoraphobia mind programming technique from the Paul McKenna website and It did help me quite a lot and usually anytime I'm feeling a bit anxious I have a listen to it and usually takes the edge of the anxiety. Lately, however, because my anxiety is so severe I can't even relax enough to listen to 2 mins of the mp3 let alone 23 mins (and that's only part 2!) but tonight I'm going to persevere and listen to it all the way through and do it every night for weeks, as suggested and see if there has been any progress or change in my anxiety.

It asks you to make a note of the strength of you phobia - I'd say on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm definitely at a 10 at the moment. I'm avoiding everything, not sleeping and have an overwhelming amount of anxiety all the time for no reason. It's horrendous, I actually forgot how bad it is to feel like this!

I will try and find a way to put the mp3 up for anyone who would like to give it a go.

Fingers crossed I start to see an improvement soon!

Thursday 3 March 2011

How Did I Let Myself Get Like This Again?

I'm lying in bed and I can feel like a huge ball of nervous energy in my stomach, I can feel it moving up through my arms and down through my legs. It's horrible. My heart is racing, my jaw clenched tight and I'm all tensed up.I can't lie still, I feel the need to move about. I'm also feeling slightly nauseas. I just wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep but I can't switch my brain off. I feel weak. It feels like it's going to keep getting worse until it gets out of control. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. I'm not used to feeling like this anymore. I do still get anxious but not like this. I don't know how to cope with this anymore, I'm trying to listen to relaxation but i'm too anxious. It's not working. This is the second night in a row I've felt like this.  I really do empathize with anyone who feels like this all the time. I forgot how horrendous it is and I feel lonelier than ever right now.

I'm scared, I don't want to go back to this. This would be a huge set back to go back to this all the time.