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Monday 28 November 2011

Paul McKenna...

"The key programmes of human behaviour are habit and imagination, and they are far more powerful than logic and willpower will ever be"

Sunday 27 November 2011

Health Anxiety creeping back up!

My health anxiety, in general, is still pretty high but I had lost my fear of having a heart problem. Well I hadn't lost the fear completely... more that it wasn't consuming me all the time. I was still attempting to get on the exercise bike, I'd still walk places and not be as panicked that I would collapse and die. The last couple of days though, I've noticed the fear coming back, I haven't gone anywhere near the exercise bike, mopping the floor yesterday almost brought on a full blown panic attack because my heart was racing and for the last couple of days I've been checking my resting heart rate regularly - something I haven't done in months. I've always had a fast heart rate, even before I was diagnosed with anxiety my doctor sent me for an ECG to make sure there wasn't anything wrong. The ECG was normal and I had another one about 2 years ago and again that was normal. I always worry that I have some kind of heart problem that the ECG missed but my doctor seems to think that my fast heart rate and palpitations are down to anxiety. I don't know how reliable ECG's are or what they can detect but I always worry they're not picking something up.

It always worries me that something serious will go unnoticed since my doctor seems to put everything down to anxiety. I wouldn't mind so much if I was constantly going to get things checked out or always going to A&E, but I don't. I know that I suffer health anxiety and anxiety in general so I only go when I have 'real' symptoms or if something has been worrying me for a long time.

I really hope my heart fear simmers back down as it always stops my progress. I eventually get too terrified to go out in case I collapse and die. Coping with it on my own is going to be quite difficult since I'm not having therapy at the moment. I'm actually quite pissed off with that too. I haven't received a letter confirming if I went back on the waiting list or how long the waiting list is. I've heard absolutely nothing which is quite shocking as I'm supposed to be a priority case. I don't even know who I contact to ask if I was put on a waiting list since it wasn't through my doctor. I really wish I had the money to pay to go private, I'm seriously losing all faith in the NHS, they seem to think it's a case of one size fits all. When you don't react in the way you're expected to, you're not trying hard enough and wasting their time. Surely if they had a true understanding of psychological problems they would understand just how hard to even get up, get dressed & actually attend the appointment is. Out of 5 psychologists I've attended, I've only had one  who truly understood what I was going through and he helped me immensely. I went from not being able to leave my room to being able to go shopping within 6 weeks. A year after that I went on holiday abroad. I then lived another year virtually panic free. So I know that the right therapist can help you to manage your anxiety but it seems getting the right therapist is a challenge in itself.

Saturday 26 November 2011

really good tips for coping with anxiety

Would really recommend checking it out :) http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_tips.html

Not doing enough

I spend hours and hours researching anxiety on the internet looking for a 'cure' or that magic vital piece of information that I might have missed that will suddenly make fall into place, I research books, then buy them and only read part of them. I download hypnosis & relaxation MP3's which I listen to for a while then start to forget about listening to them. I get myself into a routine of going to bed early and getting up early which eventually I fall out of and end up back to up all night and sleeping all day. I go on the exercise bike and think "I'll do this every day' and then I do it a couple of times that week and then don't get on it for weeks. I started an open university course with great intentions - Studying without having to leave the house - win, win situation, but I didn't stick to that either. Why is it that I can't stick to things. Everything feels like a huge effort all the time. I'm full of great intentions one day and I begin to think 'I can do this' then the next day I have no motivation at all to do anything. Then once I've not done it that day I don't continue the next, and so on.

Why do I do this? I really, really do want to get better but from my actions you would think that I don't. Why then can I not find the motivation within me to just do these things. Some days when I feel like hell I make myself clean my house from top to bottom. No matter how anxious, how unmotivated I am, I make myself do it. The reason I do this? because I know that eventually I will feel better. I know that I may feel fed up since cleaning is my least favourite thing in the world to do but I feel slightly 'normal' after it and I feel like I have accomplished something. So knowing this as well why do I not just push myself? Force myself to go to bed early, take 10 mins to relax... these are things I know that if I stick to them they will help me in the long run. I can't can't seem to push myself to do them. If there aren't immediate results I lose interest. I still wait for that day where I wake up and I'm magically better deep down though I know that's never going to happen. The only way I can get better is to face up to things I fear, push myself to develop new habits. Everything takes time but I feel that time is something I'm running out of.

Currently, I'm sitting with another box of sertraline (the last one's went in the bin) and wondering if they are the answer. Will the give me some energy to fight my anxiety? Will they ease it? Will they lift the fog that I constantly feel I'm in? I have so many questions and very little answers about how these could possibly help me. Everyone tells me 'Everyone's different' and not knowing what to expect fills me with doubt. Is there any point going down this route if they're not going to help me. Then on the other hand what if they do help me? I've tried everything else, maybe these are the right answer for me. There's a large part of me that is curious about what effects sertraline could have on my anxiety, this site has some pretty positive reviews of sertraline and I wish I could find the courage to take them.

Friday 25 November 2011

The person I am

When I was younger I always felt that I had to live up to certain expectations. I had to be good & do as I was told, I had to be smart, I wasn't allowed to be angry or even moody there were a million things that I eventually felt that I had to be 'perfect'. I was terrified of getting into trouble or letting people down. If I ever did any of these things I would become extremely embarrassed about getting told off. My parents aren't bad people at all they just wanted the best for me and tried to impose guidelines which would ensue that I would be the best person I could be. I guess I took it too literally. I would do anything to avoid being told off. I would try and say the right thing and do anything to please them. I really didn't want to let them down. If I was told off I kept my mouth shut and never answered back. I think I felt that something catastrophic would happen if I did. Even now I still try to please people. I wouldn't dream of doing anything to intentionally upset people which often backfires on me as I regularly get the piss taken out of me and it hurts.

I never feel I can truly be myself. I think people will dislike or be disappointed in me if I am. People's approval means a lot to me. If someone doesn't like me or falls out with me I always assume it's my fault and again I feel ashamed. I used to buy books which I thought  I should be reading rather than buying the trashy ones that I really wanted to read. I always thought I have to be intelligent, be nice to people and always do the right thing - that's all that mattered. People would always approve of that. The thing is that's not who I want to be anymore. I want to be me. I want to live my life and make mistakes and not feel ashamed for it or continually berate myself for doing so. I want to be wreckless on the odd occasion and not worry about what the consequences may be or what people might think. I'm so fed up of worrying and trying to control every single aspect of my life, which is ironic as I've never felt so out of control as I do know.

It's also ironic that I spent most of my childhood trying to be perfect and behave the way I was supposed to for panic to come along and make everyone more disappointed in me than they would have been if I hadn't done as I was told etc. I never finished high school, never went to uni, don't have a job, friends, no relationship, I start things then never finish them, I can't be relied upon to do things... I could go on but I think you get the jist. I guess I'm coming to realise that you try to be perfect but there's no such thing. Life isn't perfect and obstacles get in the way all the time. I need to learn that it's ok to be the person that I want to be not the person that everyone else wants me to be. It hasn't made me happy. What's the worst that can happen? Would my family stop loving me? I highly doubt it. I want to let go of always wanting everyone's approval. I want to be able to stand up for myself and not get upset by every little thing that happens.

Ironically, I spent a lot of my childhood listening to this album and particularly this song:


It's ok to make mistakes and it's ok for life not to go the way I expected. I am who am and I can't be anyone else.

My fear of dying

This probably a pretty morbid post and I apologise in advance but I do feel this is important for me to write as this is now my main fear and is currently the catalyst for my anxiety and panic. I would give anything to go back to the time when my worst fear during a panic attack was my fear of fainting. In no way am I dismissing a fear of fainting because it was still terrifying but my fear of death never goes away, even when the panic is done.

Before I had panic attacks I always had a fear of death, I suppose most people do, but I rarely thought about. Now though my fear of death is really intense and I think about it all the time, and I really do mean all the time! It never leaves my mind. Even when I feel 'ok' I still think I could die at any minute. Any symptom I get, I start to think 'am I going to die'. I've tried to speak to counsellors and psychologists about it but it's always dismissed as normal. Yeah, I agree, having a fear of death is normal but my fear stops me from living life. Everything I'm afraid to do is because I'm afraid I might die while doing it. I've lost count of the number of times I've read or heard about young, healthy people collapsing and dying and then I start to think why would I be any different - I mean I even feel like I'm dying majority of the time. Walking round the supermarket, my usual thought is 'I could collapse and die here' - and I don't even necessarily have any anxiety or panic symptoms at this point.

I know that one day I'll die and if I think too much into this I can make myself physically sick. Not knowing when that day will come is what makes me anxious. Will I be old, will I be young? I've always thought I'll live till an old age but I always think 'what if?' I suppose I fear it because it's out of my control. The only thing that could have possibly caused this is my panic attacks. I've never lost anyone close to me, which makes me extremely lucky and is something I thank God for every day.

I feel that unless I get this fear under control I'm never going to overcome any of my problems. I pick up on every symptom within my body and I fear them, thinking they may be something that could kill me. If I get a rash I immediately go into a panic attack - I think I have meningitis. A swollen gland - I think I have cancer. If I don't sleep one night I even think this will kill me.

I don't know how I overcome this. Usually I go with the 'face your fear' programme but how do you face a fear of dying? Every time I've overcame my anxiety & agoraphobia it's come back and I believe that this is the reason why. So you would think if I could get this under control my anxiety would go, except I don't know how I overcome my fear of dying.

Apologies if this is too morbid or anxiety-provoking for you but I felt I had to write it.

L x

Thursday 24 November 2011

Why can things not just stay good?

The other night I wrote my blog post and I was feeling happy, content and positive with everything I had achieved... a few hours after writing it my anxiety came back with a bang! I had a huge panic attack and I have a no idea why. After the panic attack fizzled out I was extrememly anxious, to the point that I couldn't relax at all. I went to bed and couldn't sleep... there was no escape. Yesterday, was spent feeling pretty much the same.

Late last night I did start to feel better and my anxiety died down considerably and again my positive thinking was back. I decided that today I had to go out again. There were a million things I needed to get from the supermarket and I decided that I was going to go and actually do it myself rather than rely on internet shopping. I got everything ready; clothes, bag and even my shoes, so it was a case of shower and out the door so that I didn't have time to think too much into everything.

Today I woke up feeling a bit anxious but not enough to stop me from going to do the shopping. My Mum came and picked me up and we set off. I realised for the first time I don't get anxious in the car anymore. A few months ago I felt horrendous anxiety when I was in the car, I felt like I was being suffocated and my stomach would drop all the time. Today was the first time I noticed that I have no anxiety whatsoever which is great. We arrived at the supermarket and I noticed the car park was extremely busy. I started to get anxious and doubted my ability to go in... 'What If I freak out?'.

After feeling that I didn't have a choice and thinking that I really needed to at least try, we went in. It wasn't too bad I did feel a bit panicky but only briefly. I was able to keep it under control and I never got the point where I thought 'I need to leave... NOW' so I started to feel good. I was happy with myself. I was among people and getting all the shopping I needed. A bit like a 'normal' person I suppose!  Even the checkouts weren't a challenge. I felt so happy with myself, until I was leaving the supermarket.

Years ago before my life became completely restricted by my agoraphobia, I used to be able to go out with my friends. I guess they were like 'safe people'. I trusted them and they knew about my panic attacks so I felt reasonably comfortable going out with them. Anyway, on one of these nights out a met a guy who I instantly knew I liked and we got talking. We talked for hours and at the end of the night he asked me out for a drink. I said no. I really wanted to go but I  didn't want to explain my anxiety. I was embarrassed. He wasn't one of my 'safe people'. I knew I would panic and the fear of panicking was greater than my desire to go. Anyway, we kept in touch on facebook and I started to become more and more attracted to him. Eventually though we stopped talking but I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. About a year ago I found out through facebook that he had a girlfriend. When I found out I actually felt sick. I have no idea why I felt this way. It's not like anything happened between us. I basically turned him down, as far as he was aware I wasn't interested. Anyway, tonight when I was leaving the supermarket he and his girlfriend were standing there looking happy and laughing. Any good feeling's I had about what I had just done were gone. It wasn't good enough. I want to be normal, I want to be happy. I want someone to love me. It was bizarre though as last night I found myself thinking about them and how it was good that they wouldn't go to any of the places that I go to and then today to actually see them. What are the odds of that happening?

What I can't understand though is what it was about him that makes me feel so strongly towards him. I've met other guys since but none of  them have came close to what I felt for him. I wish I could get over it because It's never going to happen, I had my chance and I blew it. I don't know how to get over it. I've never felt like this before. I don't know how I deal with it. I've been trying for 2 years now! I feel terrible right now and I don't want to feel like this. I want to move on and I want to meet someone who feels the same about me as I do them.

Tuesday 22 November 2011

Out on my own

Last week was an amazing week for me, probably the best I've had in a LONG time. Anxiety didn't seem to be present much, or if it was I didn't notice, think about it or try to analyse every little detail to find out what was causing it. There were things I wanted to do and I was going to do them regardless of 'how I was feeling'. Usually I won't book appointments in advance or arrange things with people as I always want to wait and 'see how I feel' or I find that I feel under pressure and get overly anxious days beforehand so bad that I don't sleep, can't relax at all and usually end up not doing what I had planned. Last week, however, I was on a mission. 

I had been wanting to go for a massage for ages, as months of anxiety and tension was giving me pain in my neck and shoulders and I wanted to see if a massage would relieve it a bit. I noticed a deal on groupon for a salon in my area offering a massage, facial & nails done for a third of the price and I really wanted the massage so I bought the deal. The initial appointment I booked I had to cancel on the day as I was so anxious about it, there was no way I could go. I was so disappointed and angry at myself for letting anxiety win again so I arranged the appointment for the next week. I was determined I was going, there was no way anxiety was stopping me but then came another obstacle; nobody would be available to give me a lift to the appointment, my only option was to get a taxi and go on my own. 'Fine' I told myself ' that's what I'll do' my anxiety was telling me a different story though... 'You can't do it, you haven't went anywhere on your own for years... you'll have the worst panic attack ever... just cancel it and lose the money... you'll feel safe if you don't' These thoughts were constantly in my head. I remembered something my therapist told me to try. She told me not to try and block the thoughts out cause that won't work, but accept them & take them for what they are. They're only thoughts, they aren't rigid facts. I give all my 'scary' thoughts way to much credit. I have a million fleeting thoughts a day and unless they are 'scary' I'm able to pretty much dismiss them. I feel I need to hold onto the scary ones. I guess I feel that if I hold onto them I'll be keeping myself safe because I don't want anything bad to happen and I fear that if I dismiss it something bad will happen to me. I've gave these thoughts control for far too long and it's pretty much wrecked my life. I can't do it anymore. If a 'normal' person went to go outside and thought 'If I go out there something might happen... I might die' They'd be thinking WTF? and then get on with what they were intending on doing. If it happens to me I think 'That's right something could happen. I don't want to go out... at least if I stay here I'll feel better and then if anything did happen nobody would be able to see me'. Then I try to analyse everything that's just happened and it goes round and round in circles. It pretty exhausting and It's no wonder I never feel good. I feel like I'm either constantly anxious, scared or battling with myself to be normal. 

So, anyway - I rambled a bit there! - I made my mind up that I was going and not content with that challenge I decided to book a driving lesson for the same day - 'In for a penny, In for a pound' - I could either set myself up for a complete fail or I could keep thinking that I can do it. I didn't really have anything to lose as I've been anxious almost all of the time the last few months, so I was going for it.

The day came and I felt like the worlds biggest idiot. How on earth was I going to manage hours out on my own followed by a driving lesson??! To say I felt ill would have been an understatement! I got dressed and phoned the taxi. Within 15 minutes of phoning the taxi, I was seated in the salon. It was so busy and I hadn't been prepared for it and the panic started to rise all I could think was that I had to leave. I was given forms to fill out which I could hardly fill in as I was shaking so much. After a 40 minute wait I was finally called into the small room for my massage and facial. It was lit by candles, smelt amazing and relaxation music was playing in the background. I began to think I could do this again. I never fully relaxed during the treatment, I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong at one point I was even thinking what if I have an allergic reaction to the products for the facial! I worry about everything! I had explained to the beautician about my panic attacks and when waiting for the face mask to washed off she give me a mini reiki session. I had been wanting to try reiki but had never got round to it. It did make me feel a bit more relaxed but really that was all I experienced, nothing amazing happened. By the time it came to getting my nails done I was quite relaxed which had me feeling pretty confident about my driving lesson a few hours later.

The driving lesson went well, I was a bit panicky at times but I did manage to keep it under control. We stayed local to ease me back in, which helped a lot since I haven't drove in about a year and was a bit rusty. I've had a fair few lessons before but anxiety, panic & agoraphobia have always got in the way and I've had to end them. This time though I determined to stick with it. I shouldn't be too far away from sitting my test and my theory test runs out in 6 months so I need to pass it within that time so I don't need to resit & pay for another theory test. I did have another lesson tonight and I notice a huge improvement in both my anxiety and my driving! which is good. Ironically thought tonight I had a panic attack right before the lesson but ended up feeling calmer than I did last week! I have another booked for next week and I'm hoping it goes just as well as it did tonight. When I came home tonight I was feeling great. It was fantastic to do something 'normal' and because I noticed an improvement from last week my confidence has grown as well. It's fair to say that at the moment I'm feeling pretty good.

Sunday 20 November 2011

New Background...

...new start! :)

It's quite girly I know, but that represents my personality. The black background seemed like too much 'doom and gloom' especially when what I'm writing about is quite depressing anyway. Looking at it makes me feel quite happy and it doesn't scream 'anxiety' or seem too serious; Also the back background and white text was really uncomfortable to read!

Paul McKenna agoraphobia download

I mentioned months ago that I was going to try and upload the Paul McKenna agoraphobia hypnosis and I completely forgot about it. I had a look yesterday for a free file hosting website and hopefully this will work!

If you click here; this should take you to the site.

I'm not sure if you can download from this site or you have to listen to it online... If anyone who tries it could me know, that would be great.

If you would rather buy it for yourself, you can also do so here.

I really am a huge fan of Paul McKenna and own almost all of his books. They do help and I usually notice a difference after listening to the downloads but at the moment I'm having a problem with relaxing long enough to complete them but with some perseverance I'll get there again eventually.

Enjoy!

L x

Tuesday 8 November 2011

Feeling Flat

I've tried the last few weeks to write a post and I usually get half way through and delete it. I can't seem to be able to put what I want to say into words and also I have no motivation whatsoever. For anything. I've suspected that for about the last 11 months I've been a bit depressed. I don't feel suicidal but I do have just about every other symptom. I haven't spoke to anyone about it and when I was given the assessment forms for depression I ticked the boxes that I knew wouldn't class me as being depressed, which is wrong because if your getting help, you always be honest, nothing will ever change or get better if your not open at your sessions. For some reason though I convinced myself that having depression would be the worst thing in the world. I've been there when I was 16 and to be honest I'm scared to go back to that state.

I've never quite felt like this before though, I feel down all the time and I have no hope, which isn't like me. Usually no matter how bad my anxiety is, I always have hope that I will get better and things will be good - That's now gone. I now have no motivation, no enjoyment in anything, I have no energy and everything is a huge effort... It's so bad that I actually have to force myself to go and shower every day! I spend all day wanting to go to bed and sleep to get break from it all. I can't be bothered to cook so I'm eating crap all the time and gaining weight, which is making me feel even more down. Even when I'm not anxious I feel terrible. I feel flat - that's the only way I can describe it. I can't seem to cry anymore which is confusing me; It's like I've become numb. I don't know what to do.

I've also been discharged by the psychologist I was seeing for missing an appointment which made me feel even worse. I know that there are huge waiting lists but surely when you have anxiety and agoraphobia they could make some exception to the rules. I attend most of the time, which is a struggle, but if it means getting better then I'll put myself through the anxiety and panic. Sometimes though it's too much, we all have good days and bad days, It's just that my bad days mean not being able to leave my house.

So now I'm back on the waiting list to see someone else and who knows how long I'll have to wait. I'm annoyed about it, we were only just getting to the stage of helping me deal with my anxiety and now I'll have to start all over again. Back over all the shit that's gone on in my life, which I know they have on file, and I've dealt with what when on in my childhood, so I think it's pointless talking about it for 4 sessions I'd rather just deal with my problems now.

While waiting for that I've been working on the anxiety & panic workbook by Edmund J, Bourne which I think is great for anyone with anxiety but there is a lot of reading in it. I'm also reading/listening to Paul McKenna 'I can make you happy'.  I'm also back on the Kalms, which are helping my anxiety a teeny, tiny bit, nothing ground breaking, but better than nothing I suppose! I still have the Sertraline which I still am intending to take (hopefully at some point before the years out!) but am still scared of potential side effects and haven't found a time where I'll have a spare 2weeks where I don't have anything to do so I can curl up in a ball and want to die, which is what I'm expecting to be like - lol!

On a positive note, over the last 6 weeks I managed to have my wisdom tooth removed, which I avoided for the last 2 years as I was terrified about it! But it's done and it wasn't bad at all - I didn't even have any pain! So lesson learned - don't listen to other people's horror stories!I also managed to have my first ever smear test done which I had avoided for 4 years. It actually wasn't as embarrassing as I had anticipated and I didn't even have a panic attack which I though I would have definitely had. I haven't had the results back yet and waiting for results does make me a little anxious but I'm trying not to think about it too much.

I think that's pretty much everything that's happened lately. I'm booked in for a massage tomorrow. I've been having bad pain in my shoulders and neck, which I think is caused by tension so I'm hoping it will help and make me relax a little more. I'm worried that I'll have a panic attack whilst having the massage but I'll survive, I always do!

Hope your all well

L x

Tuesday 1 November 2011

October 2008

Tonight I was clearing out cupboards and I came across a notepad which has coursework from an Open University course I was studying in October 2008. I was just having a look through it and noticed that I had wrote a page about experiencing a panic attack and I thought it was  interesting cause at this point I was having a good phase anxiety wise and in my mind now I always think that during a good phase I don't have panic attacks. Clearly I'm wrong.

"Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time, which I should be thankful for cause some people actually experience this level of anxiety all the time, I honestly couldn't cope with that again! I genuinely thought I was dying. I was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to go and wake my Mum or Dad up or if it really was just a panic attack. I'm scared that if I just ignore the feelings and there is something genuinely wrong with me, I'll die and I don't want to die but at the same time I didn't want to wake my mum or dad up just cause I was having a panic attack. I'm 21 years old now, I should be more independent. 


It's all so confusing. I really don't understand agoraphobia or panic disorder at all! I mean I know what the symptoms, what the common thoughts are and most importantly I know before I enter any anxiety provoking situation, exactly how I'm going to feel. So why the hell does it still scare the shit out of me? Why can't I accept it for what it is? Why do I still hide away inside whenever possible? I should be able to accept the sensations and accept that nothing will happen. It's so frustrating, I have times when I think 'I'm going out and I'll just put up with the feelings even if I really do feel like I'm dying' but then I get scared and don't do it." 


My thoughts and feelings now are pretty much the same as they were then except now I'm anxious all the time, having lots of panic attacks and constantly think I'm dying. Back then I was only anxious about going out. I don't understand what caused my anxiety to get worse. I'm still as confused now as I was then.