The other night I wrote my blog post and I was feeling happy, content and positive with everything I had achieved... a few hours after writing it my anxiety came back with a bang! I had a huge panic attack and I have a no idea why. After the panic attack fizzled out I was extrememly anxious, to the point that I couldn't relax at all. I went to bed and couldn't sleep... there was no escape. Yesterday, was spent feeling pretty much the same.
Late last night I did start to feel better and my anxiety died down considerably and again my positive thinking was back. I decided that today I had to go out again. There were a million things I needed to get from the supermarket and I decided that I was going to go and actually do it myself rather than rely on internet shopping. I got everything ready; clothes, bag and even my shoes, so it was a case of shower and out the door so that I didn't have time to think too much into everything.
Today I woke up feeling a bit anxious but not enough to stop me from going to do the shopping. My Mum came and picked me up and we set off. I realised for the first time I don't get anxious in the car anymore. A few months ago I felt horrendous anxiety when I was in the car, I felt like I was being suffocated and my stomach would drop all the time. Today was the first time I noticed that I have no anxiety whatsoever which is great. We arrived at the supermarket and I noticed the car park was extremely busy. I started to get anxious and doubted my ability to go in... 'What If I freak out?'.
After feeling that I didn't have a choice and thinking that I really needed to at least try, we went in. It wasn't too bad I did feel a bit panicky but only briefly. I was able to keep it under control and I never got the point where I thought 'I need to leave... NOW' so I started to feel good. I was happy with myself. I was among people and getting all the shopping I needed. A bit like a 'normal' person I suppose! Even the checkouts weren't a challenge. I felt so happy with myself, until I was leaving the supermarket.
Years ago before my life became completely restricted by my agoraphobia, I used to be able to go out with my friends. I guess they were like 'safe people'. I trusted them and they knew about my panic attacks so I felt reasonably comfortable going out with them. Anyway, on one of these nights out a met a guy who I instantly knew I liked and we got talking. We talked for hours and at the end of the night he asked me out for a drink. I said no. I really wanted to go but I didn't want to explain my anxiety. I was embarrassed. He wasn't one of my 'safe people'. I knew I would panic and the fear of panicking was greater than my desire to go. Anyway, we kept in touch on facebook and I started to become more and more attracted to him. Eventually though we stopped talking but I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. About a year ago I found out through facebook that he had a girlfriend. When I found out I actually felt sick. I have no idea why I felt this way. It's not like anything happened between us. I basically turned him down, as far as he was aware I wasn't interested. Anyway, tonight when I was leaving the supermarket he and his girlfriend were standing there looking happy and laughing. Any good feeling's I had about what I had just done were gone. It wasn't good enough. I want to be normal, I want to be happy. I want someone to love me. It was bizarre though as last night I found myself thinking about them and how it was good that they wouldn't go to any of the places that I go to and then today to actually see them. What are the odds of that happening?
What I can't understand though is what it was about him that makes me feel so strongly towards him. I've met other guys since but none of them have came close to what I felt for him. I wish I could get over it because It's never going to happen, I had my chance and I blew it. I don't know how to get over it. I've never felt like this before. I don't know how I deal with it. I've been trying for 2 years now! I feel terrible right now and I don't want to feel like this. I want to move on and I want to meet someone who feels the same about me as I do them.
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