On reflection 2012 turned out to be one of the best years I've had in a long time! I'm a little sad to see it end if I'm honest. Things started out with me at rock bottom.
I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic. There was this constant feeling of doom, like something bad was going to happen... I genuinely believed that I was about to die for the first 2 or 3 months of 2012. I had been having rectal bleeding for 8 months constantly and no doctor would take me seriously as I had health anxiety and i convinced myself that i had cancer.
Eventually after a visit to A&E I was finally referred for a sigmoidoscopy although I still had to wait another4 months for the procedure to be carried out and then another 6 weeks afterwards to receive the results. An absolute horrific amount of time to wait for a 'normal' person to wait but for someone with health anxiety this was a million times worse. In my mind I had cancer and all I could think was 'its been left too long... It'll have spread... I'm going to die...' I can even put into words how terrified I was.
Eventually in the middle of march I received the results in the post. I was diagnosed with a suspected Inflammatory bowel disease - ulcerative colitis. Not great, but not cancer - I was so relieved. That I could handle. At this point though I finally realised I had a problem.
I put my mind and body through absolute hell waiting for that diagnosis. How I never had a complete breakdown, I will never know. Getting the diagnosis and it wasn't cancer made something click within me. I needed medication for my anxiety. I was unwell and I had exhausted every other method of dealing with anxiety with limited results.
Medication, in particular antidepressants is what I fear the most in my anxiety, well apart from dying. I'm afraid of side effects, becoming dependent on them, long term effects of taking them etc. but things were just too bad at this point that I had no other choice than to try. I was worried that if I didn't I'd end up killing myself.
It wasn't easy starting them but hands down its been the best thing I've ever done and I regret putting it off for so long. If I had persevered with the medication route when I was first prescribed them at 16 my life could have been so different now (for the better). However, there's no point in what ifs. I've made huge progress in 2012 and I never dreamed that most of it could happen. I certainly never, ever thought I'd be an advocate of medication.
I thought I'd do a quick summary of the positive things that happened in 2012!
1. Eventually found out the cause of bleeding was ulcerative colitis - NOT cancer!
2. Accepted that I needed medication, sought help and was prescribed 50mg sertraline.
3. I passed my driving test first time!
4. I went on holiday for a week, travelling 3 hours from home and coped brilliantly. In a few months I went from not being able to leave my home to driving about a different town on my own!
5. There's been a huge reduction in my what if... Thoughts. I don't tend to think about the worst that will happen any more. If I want to do something, most of the time I do it without thinking "what if this happens".
6. I went for a job interview and it was a success.
7. I've driven to different towns and cities a significant distance from where my home is with only mild anxiety.
8. I can now go to supermarkets and shopping centres and be anxiety/panic free majority of the time!
9. I went on a date, in a public place as well! Lol.
10. I can now go anywhere I want and on my own too with very little anxiety. I no longer require a 'safe person' to be with me.
11. I have also overcome my phobia of exercise. I no longer believe my heart with give up when I exercise.
12. My sleep has improved significantly and I have rarely had a night where I can't sleep at all.
13. I look for any excuse to go out and challenge myself. I enjoy going out again. It's no longer something I fear or dread.
14. In general in much more happier and much less anxious. I still have the odd down day and the odd day with a significant amount of anxiety but its nowhere near as bad and I can cope and accept it now.
I hope that 2013 sees me continue to grow and build on my achievements from this year and that I can continue to manage the anxiety effectively. There's so much I want to do and I hope I can work my way towards these goals.
I wish you all a happy new year and hope that 2013 brings you all great things!
L x
