Last Friday (Christmas eve) was a huge deal for me, for once I was actually able to be like a 'normal' person!
I had booked myself into a hairdressers for a haircut and I knew that as the appointment was the day before Christmas it would be really busy, but I kept telling myself that I would cope and if the worst happened then my Mum would be with me - I think I've mentioned previously that my Mum is my 'safe person'. However, the day before the appointment my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to go to the hair appointment with me as she had too many errands to run. So I was faced with the decision to cancel the appointment or go on my own, with my Mum dropping me off and picking me up. It was a tough decision, I wanted to go to the appointment and have my hair done but at the same time I didn't want to go to the appointment on my own and freak out. In the end I decided to keep the appointment. If I was ever going to overcome this I had to face up to my fears and put myself into situations that are difficult.
When I went to bed that night though I wasn't feeling quite as brave as I had been earlier. I lay tossing and turning most of the night worrying about what would happen the next day 'Would I panic and not be able to cope?'...'Would I make an idiot of myself?'...'would people think I'm mad?'...'What If I had one of those dizzy turns? I couldn't cope with that' etc. These were the kind of thoughts I was having and by the time morning came I was feeling defeated already...I had already gave up. I got ready and went to my parents house to talk it over with my Mum & Dad. I explained how bad I was feeling, at this point the physical symptoms had kicked in...the racing heart...the weak legs...flashes of hot and cold...the light-headedness and the general feeling of utter terror. I can always count on my Mum & Dad to do the rational thinking for me when that part of my brain appears to have deserted me. For every irrational thought I had, they were able to give me a perfectly rational one back. 'Of course I was going to be feeling anxious, I was going to be putting myself into a new situation. This was something that I hadn't done in many years. If I didn't feel like this there would be something wrong with me'. So after my pep talk from them I was feeling more at ease with the challenge that was facing me and I got into the car. I decided to take things a step at a time, If I wasn't comfortable going into the salon when I arrived I wouldn't go in but I had to at least attempt it.
Arriving at the salon and going in and sitting in the waiting room is a bit of a blur to be honest, I think I was running on the adrenaline and trying to get in before I could change my mind.
The salon was really busy and my anxious head was getting the better of me again and I started to think I couldn't do it again. I got out my phone to text my mum. Partly out of distraction and partly so I knew that I could contact her if the worse was to happen. The only problem was that I was so tense that I couldn't move my fingers properly to type which sent me into further panic. Luckily I was called to get my hair washed at this point, which distracted me slightly.
Then came the general chit chat (which also causes me to panic) 'You going out anywhere nice tonight?' 'ehhh....not really' - there's not really any way to say your agoraphobic without things getting awkward or if there is I haven't discovered it yet. So I usually feel awkward in any social situation because I feel like a complete waste of space. Which people usually assume I am. I don't work, I don't go out, I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I don't do anything...I don't feel I fit in and I definitely feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. And is it just me or are people asking more questions about your private life these days? Sometimes I feel like I'm under interrogation. Can we not just chat about the weather?
So far I had managed to handle things and being taken over to the chair and getting a head and shoulder massage definitely helped me to relax a little more! Now I just had to get the cut and have it dried then I could leave. I was fine throughout the actual cutting and when I the hair dryer was switched on I felt a wave of relief...It was almost over and I could leave. The relief was short lived though. It felt like out of the blue came a huge wave of panic came over me and suddenly I really didn't think I could cope any more and I didn't know what to do. I could feel tears coming and I was trying my hardest not to cry. I got my phone out again but I didn't know what to do. My fingers were stiff again and I didn't want the stylist to see what I was texting either. I thought about ringing my Mum's phone and not speaking - She'd know what was happening and come and get me. I did manage to get a grip of myself and calm myself down a little. Five minutes later my Mum walked through the door and I was finished.
I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to be leaving somewhere. The important thing for me to remember though is that I did it. It was something that I would have never contemplated doing on my own. I've proved to myself that I can survive doing things on my own. I am an adult I don't need to be looked after, If I panic I will cope and It will pass in the end. Will it be easier next time? No, I don't think It will. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but at least now I have some experience behind me and I know what to expect next time.
Thursday 30 December 2010
Sunday 5 December 2010
Struggling
For the last 2 weeks everything seems to have went downhill and I don't know why. Not knowing why is probably the most frustrating part, if I don't know what's caused it, how the hell am I supposed to fix it?! My anxiety has been really out of control and I have been feeling awful. I've been having a lot of dizzy spells - which I'm thinking could be related to tension? I'm not sure. My 'anxious brain' is telling me something more sinister but I'm trying to shut those thoughts out, life is hard enough without that!
My sleeping pattern is also out of control. I'm up all night and sleeping all day. It's dark when I go to bed and still dark when I get up! - so that's also making me feel like crap (thinking I may need a sad lamp) and to top it off the UK has been pretty much brought to a standstill with the winter weather we've been having. I was unable to get out the house for a week because it was that bad! When I did manage, I went to the supermarket, as I needed food, but I had to leave after 10 minutes as I had a panic attack. I was really disappointed as I haven't actually had a proper full-blown panic attack in public for about 7 months. I've been anxious and had the wobbly legs etc but never got to the point where I couldn't cope and leave. So this has left me disheartened. I refuse to give up though. There's no way I succumb to another setback, I refuse to do it.
The next night I went with my Mum to get paint and to go to a few other shops, again, I had a panic attack. This time I didn't leave but it was a struggle to force myself to stay. My legs were like jelly and my heart was racing. All I could think was that I was going to collapse; eventually it got so bad that I had to sit on the floor and pretend to be looking at wallpaper. Then the dizziness started and I thought I was going to be stuck there and that even if I wanted to leave I couldn't. Needless to say by the time I went to the next shop my anxiety was off the scale and I just wanted to get home. This was made worse by the fact that it was -8c outside and we practically ice skated to the next shop - not great when your feeling dizzy and off balance! My Mum actually had a dizzy turn and we had to leave. It's amazing how quickly my anxiety reduced when I became concerned about my Mum. Instead of thinking about me collapsing or fainting I thought about my Mum and also (selfishly) what would I do if she collapsed? Fortunately she didn't!
I did have a positive experience yesterday though. I needed to go shopping for food (again), this time though my Mum refused to take me to the supermarket I usually go to as she doesn't buy anything from that supermarket. The selection is rubbish but it's usually empty and I feel quite comfortable when shopping there. So the only one she was going to was the the one which is always busy; that I've had more panic attacks than I can remember in and the one I always meet people I know that to be honest I don't want to meet. Nobody except a few close people know anything about my anxiety or agoraphobia. I don't like people knowing about it. In the beginning I tried to explain it but nobody understood and I was called 'lazy', 'weird' an 'attention seeker'...all the usual crap. So I'm a closeted agoraphobic! When I meet people I know I panic when they ask me what I'm up to now. I have no idea what to say, I have nothing going on in my life at all! So for this reason I hate meeting people.
Anyway, If it hadn't been necessary for me to go and get some shopping I wouldn't have went but I needed to go and, I did. I started off feeling really anxious but the longer I spent inside the store the more my anxiety reduced which I didn't expect to happen. I even made it through the checkout without the usual dizziness and shaky legs.
Yesterdays events have lifted my mood considerably but I'm anxious about the effect winter is going to have on me and how it will affect my anxiety. I don't seem to get the same opportunity to get out in winter and to be honest I don't want to go out anyway. I'm never able to enjoy Christmas any more cause my anxiety is usually too bad and I feel i'm making everyone else miserable because I don't want to be around anyone. I feel sorry for myself. I get jealous of all the party photos the are put up on facebook over the festive period. Winter just seems to be a really negative time for me and every year I'm determined to fight it and stay positive but when It comes to it I can't cope and I don't know what to do.
My sleeping pattern is also out of control. I'm up all night and sleeping all day. It's dark when I go to bed and still dark when I get up! - so that's also making me feel like crap (thinking I may need a sad lamp) and to top it off the UK has been pretty much brought to a standstill with the winter weather we've been having. I was unable to get out the house for a week because it was that bad! When I did manage, I went to the supermarket, as I needed food, but I had to leave after 10 minutes as I had a panic attack. I was really disappointed as I haven't actually had a proper full-blown panic attack in public for about 7 months. I've been anxious and had the wobbly legs etc but never got to the point where I couldn't cope and leave. So this has left me disheartened. I refuse to give up though. There's no way I succumb to another setback, I refuse to do it.
The next night I went with my Mum to get paint and to go to a few other shops, again, I had a panic attack. This time I didn't leave but it was a struggle to force myself to stay. My legs were like jelly and my heart was racing. All I could think was that I was going to collapse; eventually it got so bad that I had to sit on the floor and pretend to be looking at wallpaper. Then the dizziness started and I thought I was going to be stuck there and that even if I wanted to leave I couldn't. Needless to say by the time I went to the next shop my anxiety was off the scale and I just wanted to get home. This was made worse by the fact that it was -8c outside and we practically ice skated to the next shop - not great when your feeling dizzy and off balance! My Mum actually had a dizzy turn and we had to leave. It's amazing how quickly my anxiety reduced when I became concerned about my Mum. Instead of thinking about me collapsing or fainting I thought about my Mum and also (selfishly) what would I do if she collapsed? Fortunately she didn't!
I did have a positive experience yesterday though. I needed to go shopping for food (again), this time though my Mum refused to take me to the supermarket I usually go to as she doesn't buy anything from that supermarket. The selection is rubbish but it's usually empty and I feel quite comfortable when shopping there. So the only one she was going to was the the one which is always busy; that I've had more panic attacks than I can remember in and the one I always meet people I know that to be honest I don't want to meet. Nobody except a few close people know anything about my anxiety or agoraphobia. I don't like people knowing about it. In the beginning I tried to explain it but nobody understood and I was called 'lazy', 'weird' an 'attention seeker'...all the usual crap. So I'm a closeted agoraphobic! When I meet people I know I panic when they ask me what I'm up to now. I have no idea what to say, I have nothing going on in my life at all! So for this reason I hate meeting people.
Anyway, If it hadn't been necessary for me to go and get some shopping I wouldn't have went but I needed to go and, I did. I started off feeling really anxious but the longer I spent inside the store the more my anxiety reduced which I didn't expect to happen. I even made it through the checkout without the usual dizziness and shaky legs.
Yesterdays events have lifted my mood considerably but I'm anxious about the effect winter is going to have on me and how it will affect my anxiety. I don't seem to get the same opportunity to get out in winter and to be honest I don't want to go out anyway. I'm never able to enjoy Christmas any more cause my anxiety is usually too bad and I feel i'm making everyone else miserable because I don't want to be around anyone. I feel sorry for myself. I get jealous of all the party photos the are put up on facebook over the festive period. Winter just seems to be a really negative time for me and every year I'm determined to fight it and stay positive but when It comes to it I can't cope and I don't know what to do.
Thursday 28 October 2010
When my general anxiety is low...
...I love to read. I've always been a big reader but when I started to suffer badly with anxiety, reading became near impossible. Trying to read when I'm anxious is a complete waste of time. I can't concentrate for checking how I'm feeling every few seconds and in fact concentrating on anything at all is a difficult task. All my thinking is about anxiety which is why when I'm having 'good days' I make the most of it. It's really annoying though when I've started a book and then a bad day comes...kinda wastes the flow of the story.
So while I'm feeling ok and will be able to concentrate I'm starting my new book which is 'Down and Out in Paris and London' by George Orwell, I've been wanting to read this for ages and managed to get it on amazon last week. Here's hoping it doesn't disappoint!
So while I'm feeling ok and will be able to concentrate I'm starting my new book which is 'Down and Out in Paris and London' by George Orwell, I've been wanting to read this for ages and managed to get it on amazon last week. Here's hoping it doesn't disappoint!
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Occupational Therapy
Yesterday was quite a good day for me. I managed to get out for a couple of hours despite feeling absolutely shattered and it was relatively panic free.
I got up and got organised as I had the occupational therapist coming out to see me. I started occupational therapy almost 2 years ago and had weekly sessions up until about March/April this year. It was my fault that the sessions came to an end - to be completely honest, it got too hard and I panicked. I felt that absolutely everything and everyone in my life were associated with agoraphobia, which may sound strange considering my life is hugely restricted by it but it just started feeling really suffocating and I needed a break, and I felt things were going to fast and that I had no control. I had also read a book by Rhonda Byrne called 'The Secret' and she basically advises you to live your life as if you had what you want and it will happen. So my mind processed this as - 'if I wasn't agoraphobic, I wouldn't be receiving treatment for it' - silly I know but it did kind of work for the first 6 weeks!
After speaking with a welfare rights officer last week she advised me that my best hope in overcoming agoraphobia was to go back to the occupational therapist. I believe in occupational therapy 100% and it is really effective, some of the things I have achieved through it have been amazing but it is hard and it requires you to put 100% in. It's not a quick fix and it will take time and that's where I have a problem. I lose interest in things and become disheartened when things don't happen overnight but this is something I need to work to work on accepting. When I have a bad day I just need to get on with it and not pick up the phone and cancel the session. Avoidance is not the answer! - ha.
Honestly, if you are recently diagnosed with agoraphobia I would say this would be the best route to go down, obviously i'm not a doctor but I would base this on experience, I believe that had I been referred to OT when I first became agoraphobic I wouldn't be in this position. It took 5 years, 3 psychologists and a counsellor before I was referred and it was only down to the last psychologist I saw, not my doctor, the psychologist decided that there was nothing they could do for me, even though my doctor kept referring me back to them, and she referred me to OT.
Even if like me you've been agoraphobic for a while I definitely think it's still effective, it just takes a bit longer and after years off those fearful thoughts it may be a bit harder. So if you haven't heard of this definitely see doctor and see what options are available. I don't have a clue why I wasn't offered this to begin with.
I drifted off a bit there! So basically I've decided that I want to work with the OT to get back to work. I kind of feel that I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what I'm capable of. I don't have any friends any more, they tend to drift away when you don't got out lol, and the only person I go out with is my mum and I find that ok most of the time. I often wonder if I had friends to go out with, if I would go out or even just want to go out more. So with the OT's help we've came up with a plan to see about me doing some voluntary work or part time work to see how I cope. She'll work on finding me placements and obviously explain to potential employers about my 'condition'.
I am aware that this may seem crazy, maybe it is, after all I can't go out my house on my own so how the hell am I going to be able to hold down a job? I don't know how either but I won't know how I'll cope in a situation until I try. As I said in the previous post, I don't have anything to lose any more and the worst thing that can happen is I leave the job (if I'm lucky enough to get one) and pull my goals back a bit. That's the bonus of working with the OT, they support me so that I don't push myself too far and have a set back.
If you continue to read my blog you can probably expect crazy ideas. I have a tendency to do things on a whim or with the hope that 'by that time I'll be better' and put myself situations that are difficult and provoke a lot of anxiety but I'm still here to tell the tale!
So appointment with OT is on Monday morning and I have to go there on my own...lovely :)
After all that I had a to go for some shopping. My mum takes me to a shop that isn't that busy and you can park outside it. This makes me less anxious, I hate walking outside and need to park as close to the building as I can get. So the shop wasn't busy and I spent about 40 mins inside it which was great, this was definitely a 'good day'. I have days when I can go to this shop and the situation is exactly the same and yet I still have to leave. In fact today was so good I even suggested we went to another shop which we did but only spent 10 mins inside, but this was nothing to do with anxiety :D
After getting everything I needed we went to visit family which again I was fine with and we stayed there for an hour. This is when the anxiety kicked in. I started to become really aware of the sensations in my body and my 'anxious head' came to life. I'm not sure what triggered it at all, we were just talking and I seemed to become aware of it happening. I did manage to keep it under control and nobody noticed that I was becoming anxious. I did have a strong urge to leave but I didn't. I stayed for about 20 mins after I first felt anxious but the anxiety didn't go away. The positive thing to focus on though is I DIDN'T LEAVE!!
Overall this was a pretty eventful day for me (lol) but I was absolutely exhausted when I got home and had a splitting sore head. It's amazing how a short period of tension can have such an effect on your body.
I got up and got organised as I had the occupational therapist coming out to see me. I started occupational therapy almost 2 years ago and had weekly sessions up until about March/April this year. It was my fault that the sessions came to an end - to be completely honest, it got too hard and I panicked. I felt that absolutely everything and everyone in my life were associated with agoraphobia, which may sound strange considering my life is hugely restricted by it but it just started feeling really suffocating and I needed a break, and I felt things were going to fast and that I had no control. I had also read a book by Rhonda Byrne called 'The Secret' and she basically advises you to live your life as if you had what you want and it will happen. So my mind processed this as - 'if I wasn't agoraphobic, I wouldn't be receiving treatment for it' - silly I know but it did kind of work for the first 6 weeks!
After speaking with a welfare rights officer last week she advised me that my best hope in overcoming agoraphobia was to go back to the occupational therapist. I believe in occupational therapy 100% and it is really effective, some of the things I have achieved through it have been amazing but it is hard and it requires you to put 100% in. It's not a quick fix and it will take time and that's where I have a problem. I lose interest in things and become disheartened when things don't happen overnight but this is something I need to work to work on accepting. When I have a bad day I just need to get on with it and not pick up the phone and cancel the session. Avoidance is not the answer! - ha.
Honestly, if you are recently diagnosed with agoraphobia I would say this would be the best route to go down, obviously i'm not a doctor but I would base this on experience, I believe that had I been referred to OT when I first became agoraphobic I wouldn't be in this position. It took 5 years, 3 psychologists and a counsellor before I was referred and it was only down to the last psychologist I saw, not my doctor, the psychologist decided that there was nothing they could do for me, even though my doctor kept referring me back to them, and she referred me to OT.
Even if like me you've been agoraphobic for a while I definitely think it's still effective, it just takes a bit longer and after years off those fearful thoughts it may be a bit harder. So if you haven't heard of this definitely see doctor and see what options are available. I don't have a clue why I wasn't offered this to begin with.
I drifted off a bit there! So basically I've decided that I want to work with the OT to get back to work. I kind of feel that I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what I'm capable of. I don't have any friends any more, they tend to drift away when you don't got out lol, and the only person I go out with is my mum and I find that ok most of the time. I often wonder if I had friends to go out with, if I would go out or even just want to go out more. So with the OT's help we've came up with a plan to see about me doing some voluntary work or part time work to see how I cope. She'll work on finding me placements and obviously explain to potential employers about my 'condition'.
I am aware that this may seem crazy, maybe it is, after all I can't go out my house on my own so how the hell am I going to be able to hold down a job? I don't know how either but I won't know how I'll cope in a situation until I try. As I said in the previous post, I don't have anything to lose any more and the worst thing that can happen is I leave the job (if I'm lucky enough to get one) and pull my goals back a bit. That's the bonus of working with the OT, they support me so that I don't push myself too far and have a set back.
If you continue to read my blog you can probably expect crazy ideas. I have a tendency to do things on a whim or with the hope that 'by that time I'll be better' and put myself situations that are difficult and provoke a lot of anxiety but I'm still here to tell the tale!
So appointment with OT is on Monday morning and I have to go there on my own...lovely :)
After all that I had a to go for some shopping. My mum takes me to a shop that isn't that busy and you can park outside it. This makes me less anxious, I hate walking outside and need to park as close to the building as I can get. So the shop wasn't busy and I spent about 40 mins inside it which was great, this was definitely a 'good day'. I have days when I can go to this shop and the situation is exactly the same and yet I still have to leave. In fact today was so good I even suggested we went to another shop which we did but only spent 10 mins inside, but this was nothing to do with anxiety :D
After getting everything I needed we went to visit family which again I was fine with and we stayed there for an hour. This is when the anxiety kicked in. I started to become really aware of the sensations in my body and my 'anxious head' came to life. I'm not sure what triggered it at all, we were just talking and I seemed to become aware of it happening. I did manage to keep it under control and nobody noticed that I was becoming anxious. I did have a strong urge to leave but I didn't. I stayed for about 20 mins after I first felt anxious but the anxiety didn't go away. The positive thing to focus on though is I DIDN'T LEAVE!!
Overall this was a pretty eventful day for me (lol) but I was absolutely exhausted when I got home and had a splitting sore head. It's amazing how a short period of tension can have such an effect on your body.
Saturday 23 October 2010
The beginning!
I'm a 23 year old woman and have suffered from panic attacks for 10 years now and I've also suffered on and off with agoraphobia. I say on and off, I've never really overcome it (yet!) but I've definitely had periods where I've been 'better'.
I've got to a stage in my life where I just feel that I can't do this any more, I feel I've gave in to my fears for far too long and I've missed out on so much in my life, which I'm sure a lot of you can agree with, and i'm just a bit pissed off that I've let myself go this long and feel that now it's time to fight back harder than I ever have done before. I mean I have nothing to lose but so much to gain.
I believe that agoraphobia can be overcame...which is a good start I suppose! This is the whole reason for starting this blogis that when I look back at things that I have achieved while being agoraphobic I wished that I had wrote it down to look back on, because there are some things that I think of now and I'm amazed that I managed it, for example, 2 years after I first became agoraphobic, I was going through a 'good phase' and managed to go on holiday (on a plane!), something I couldn't even dream of doing now. I have no idea how that happened. I'm hoping that with this blog I can keep a record of future achievements. Another major point for this blog is that I tend to find that when people with anxiety or agoraphobia are having good periods they don't tend to write about it or write that often and when you're looking for hope that one day it will end, there's nothing there. Personally this leaves me disheartened and makes it seems that no one have ever overcome agoraphobia, which I don't believe to be true.
I'm hoping that this will be the beginning of the journey to overcoming agoraphobia and getting my life back and I hope you'll benefit from reading about the good and bad experiences I go through on the way.
I've got to a stage in my life where I just feel that I can't do this any more, I feel I've gave in to my fears for far too long and I've missed out on so much in my life, which I'm sure a lot of you can agree with, and i'm just a bit pissed off that I've let myself go this long and feel that now it's time to fight back harder than I ever have done before. I mean I have nothing to lose but so much to gain.
I believe that agoraphobia can be overcame...which is a good start I suppose! This is the whole reason for starting this blogis that when I look back at things that I have achieved while being agoraphobic I wished that I had wrote it down to look back on, because there are some things that I think of now and I'm amazed that I managed it, for example, 2 years after I first became agoraphobic, I was going through a 'good phase' and managed to go on holiday (on a plane!), something I couldn't even dream of doing now. I have no idea how that happened. I'm hoping that with this blog I can keep a record of future achievements. Another major point for this blog is that I tend to find that when people with anxiety or agoraphobia are having good periods they don't tend to write about it or write that often and when you're looking for hope that one day it will end, there's nothing there. Personally this leaves me disheartened and makes it seems that no one have ever overcome agoraphobia, which I don't believe to be true.
I'm hoping that this will be the beginning of the journey to overcoming agoraphobia and getting my life back and I hope you'll benefit from reading about the good and bad experiences I go through on the way.
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