It was 8 o clock last night before I finally managed to get to sleep. That was over 30 hours I wake awake and I felt terrible. The only good thing was eventually I was too exhausted to be anxious! I managed to sleep from 8pm until 3.30am so my body obviously needed it.
Today I'm still exhausted, I did manage to get another couple of hours sleep but it hasn't helped lifting the tiredness. I'm a bit anxious about it but I'm assuming yesterday was a bit of a strain physically and mentally and that I'll be fine. I really can't wait to go to bed tonight. I've not done anything today. I'd say that my anxiety is still high - and being made worse by worrying about the sleep situation. Honestly you can't win with anxiety there's always something to worry about, although I have has a headache and been feeling sick all day and yet I'm not worrying about - weird! Really hoping I'll be feeling a lot better by tomorrow.
Friday 29 April 2011
Thursday 28 April 2011
So I did survive that anxiety episode thankfully and nothing bad did happen apart from me feeling a bit silly now and panicking because I haven't slept. I was feeling quite relieved yesterday as I had received a letter with an appointment with a psychologist through the nhs. I thought that I would have had to wait around 6 months for an appointment but I was only referred 5 weeks ago and the appointment is in 2 weeks time. Hopefully this will help. The last I saw a psychologist was in 2008 but I was in a bad place then and struggled to even walk from the car to the building so I'm hoping it will be more effective this time.
Wednesday 27 April 2011
Currently
Lying on the kitchen floor criPpled with anxiety. I'm scared to stand up cause I'm so dizzy and weak. I'm in the house on my own and I have nobOdy I can call. I'm terrified I'm gOing to die. This is hell. Writing this on my Phone Praying that the distractiOn will ease the anxiety. I really wish I had someone I could talk to I'm rubbish at distracting myself and I'm scared something is going to happen to me and there will be noone here to help. I'm so tired but can't sleep for the anxiety. My stomach has been Playing up again and I've convinced myself that I have cancer even though it's highly unlikely at 24. I've been googling a lot lately which really should be proof that my anxiety has increased. Why the hell do I listen to google rather than my doctor anyway?! I tried to make a list earlier of evidence to prove that it was anxiety but I was too anxious to even do that. The positiOn I'm lying in on the floor is making the tension worse too. I really need this to pass.
Monday 18 April 2011
A good day at last!
Today I woke up feeling quite positive, not sure why but I'm definitely not complaining! A good day was long overdue. It feels like I've been living in the huge bubble full of fear, anxiety and just gloom and doom in general for the last few months. So today I'm feeling relieved and really confident that everything will be ok and the bad days will get less and less again. Well here's hoping anyway!
I have been trying to analyse what's caused this increase in anxiety and I can't find anything except I've had problems with money. I hate talking about money and in particular about receiving benefits but I'm really angry and confused about how they work the whole system.
Up until last August I had been receiving incapacity benefit but I failed to attend one of the medicals that you have to go to whilst claiming incapacity benefit. My doctor faxed a letter to the relevant people explaining that due to my condition I couldn't travel to get there. She also made a request for a home visit which was rejected. So I was taken off that benefit - I am currently waiting on an appeal against that decision although who knows how long that will take. So in November I was told to apply for income support by an adviser so that's what I done but then in February I received a letter saying I wasn't entitled to income support and that it was being stopped. So I was then told to apply for for Employment and Support allowance which I did. However, there's now problems with that too. I received a letter on Saturday saying that they wouldn't pay me that benefit. So today I phoned to see why and they told me that I have to go to the medical before they will pay me any money.
The big problem is that the place where the medical is held is 22 miles from my house and would take roughly 35 mins to get to in a car. Now that is impossible for me to get to. If I could bloody travel I wouldn't be claiming benefits but yet nobody seems to be able to understand this. Not being able to leave my house is my disability! And there's no compromise. I've had numerous faxes, medical lines and requests made for a home visit by my doctor but none of it matters. If I want any help I need to get to the medical. It's so frustrating! I would LOVE to be capable of working even if it was the crappiest job in the world, it would mean I was able to live a 'normal' life but the reality is that at the moment I'm not and I need financial help. At the moment I'm lucky enough to have family to rely on but I feel terrible for it and I'm only borrowing money if i'm desperate i.e. for food and bills. Even though I know i'll never starve or not be able to pay a bill I still find myself worrying. What if nothing gets sorted and I don't get any money... I have a house to keep ... what will I do? etc. Frankly it's stress that I don't need! This has been going on for about 8 months on and off and is the only thing I can think of that's increased my anxiety.
Anyway enough of the rant! I actually was going to write about the benefit situation before but every time I tried to write it I got stressed and anxious but today I'm feeling ok about it. I'm still angry but I will cope and it will get sorted. I'm actually just relieved that my anxiety has been reduced a bit. So to make the most of it I went a run in the car with my Mum and I even went into a shop on my own! Luckily it was quiet so I was only in for a couple of minutes but still I done it and it's something I wouldn't have done this time last week so there's definitely an improvement! I was feeling quite good after that and even took the dog a walk - now I don't walk the dog that far from my house I tend to just walk up and down the street although it is a long street but I do have my restrictions about how far I will go but the distance I walk now is a lot further than when we first got him. I did get a bit panicky whilst on the walk - I met a neighbour who stopped for a chat. I get a bit panicky when having a one-on-one conversation in general so when I'm outdoors my anxiety is magnified. However, I did manage to chat (whilst feeling a bit wobbly with the dog pulling me - great combo!) for at least 10 minutes and then she had to go. I then finished the walk and went home feeling rather good to be honest.
I have been trying to analyse what's caused this increase in anxiety and I can't find anything except I've had problems with money. I hate talking about money and in particular about receiving benefits but I'm really angry and confused about how they work the whole system.
Up until last August I had been receiving incapacity benefit but I failed to attend one of the medicals that you have to go to whilst claiming incapacity benefit. My doctor faxed a letter to the relevant people explaining that due to my condition I couldn't travel to get there. She also made a request for a home visit which was rejected. So I was taken off that benefit - I am currently waiting on an appeal against that decision although who knows how long that will take. So in November I was told to apply for income support by an adviser so that's what I done but then in February I received a letter saying I wasn't entitled to income support and that it was being stopped. So I was then told to apply for for Employment and Support allowance which I did. However, there's now problems with that too. I received a letter on Saturday saying that they wouldn't pay me that benefit. So today I phoned to see why and they told me that I have to go to the medical before they will pay me any money.
The big problem is that the place where the medical is held is 22 miles from my house and would take roughly 35 mins to get to in a car. Now that is impossible for me to get to. If I could bloody travel I wouldn't be claiming benefits but yet nobody seems to be able to understand this. Not being able to leave my house is my disability! And there's no compromise. I've had numerous faxes, medical lines and requests made for a home visit by my doctor but none of it matters. If I want any help I need to get to the medical. It's so frustrating! I would LOVE to be capable of working even if it was the crappiest job in the world, it would mean I was able to live a 'normal' life but the reality is that at the moment I'm not and I need financial help. At the moment I'm lucky enough to have family to rely on but I feel terrible for it and I'm only borrowing money if i'm desperate i.e. for food and bills. Even though I know i'll never starve or not be able to pay a bill I still find myself worrying. What if nothing gets sorted and I don't get any money... I have a house to keep ... what will I do? etc. Frankly it's stress that I don't need! This has been going on for about 8 months on and off and is the only thing I can think of that's increased my anxiety.
Anyway enough of the rant! I actually was going to write about the benefit situation before but every time I tried to write it I got stressed and anxious but today I'm feeling ok about it. I'm still angry but I will cope and it will get sorted. I'm actually just relieved that my anxiety has been reduced a bit. So to make the most of it I went a run in the car with my Mum and I even went into a shop on my own! Luckily it was quiet so I was only in for a couple of minutes but still I done it and it's something I wouldn't have done this time last week so there's definitely an improvement! I was feeling quite good after that and even took the dog a walk - now I don't walk the dog that far from my house I tend to just walk up and down the street although it is a long street but I do have my restrictions about how far I will go but the distance I walk now is a lot further than when we first got him. I did get a bit panicky whilst on the walk - I met a neighbour who stopped for a chat. I get a bit panicky when having a one-on-one conversation in general so when I'm outdoors my anxiety is magnified. However, I did manage to chat (whilst feeling a bit wobbly with the dog pulling me - great combo!) for at least 10 minutes and then she had to go. I then finished the walk and went home feeling rather good to be honest.
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Free CBT online Course - Panic Center
I recently had a chat with my doctor about treatment for panic and agoraphobia etc, and he suggested looking at some online courses which can help just now while my anxiety is as bad and because there's a huge waiting list for any kind of treatment. The one that was suggested was living life to the full which I had completed a few years ago. So anyway I decided to have a look about online and see what else was available and I came across the Panic Center which I like the look of. I haven't had a proper look about but I have signed up and completed the questionnaire - I really hate doing those! - I was quite surprised by the results.
The results show that I show symptoms of the following:
So basically I show symptoms in all areas! Not sure if that makes me feel worse or not! So after receiving your results back - which are more detailed that that - you are taken to your customized programme to begin. You must read Session 1: Understanding Panic but after that you can chose which sections you want to read.
Here's what my programme looks like:
When I'm anxious I have to say my ability to read isn't all that great but I'm going to persevere. I need my anxiety to significantly reduce, I'm really not coping at all and I do want to start the medication but I constantly think I'm going to die for no reason whatsoever and I know that if I take the medication while I'm this bad I will make myself stop taking it. I just want to be able to get through the day without this constant fear!
Monday 4 April 2011
Things have gotten worse
I started to write a post last week all about how bad things have got but then I realised that the whole point of this blog was to focus on the positive things I achieve and not to focus on the bad, so I decided that I wouldn't publish that post. To be honest I've wrote enough negative things on here already and the internet is full of negative stories and I certainly don't want to add to it.
I know I'm not giving a full account of coping with my anxiety and agoraphobia but things are so difficult right now and I don't want to provoke anxious thoughts etc in anyone else because I have absolutely nothing positive to say at the moment! Although I know this is just a 'blip' and that it will pass - it always does! - I just hope it's soon!
I know I'm not giving a full account of coping with my anxiety and agoraphobia but things are so difficult right now and I don't want to provoke anxious thoughts etc in anyone else because I have absolutely nothing positive to say at the moment! Although I know this is just a 'blip' and that it will pass - it always does! - I just hope it's soon!
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